With the election coming up in a few months, and seemingly two horrible candidates I figured I'd throw my hat in the ring. Now as a 24 year old, I am in ineligible to run for President. Yes, I do remember a few things from school. I could not run until 2028, so until then I just have to get my ideas out there so in 12 years ole dozo can TRULY make America great again. Here is what I'd do if elected President. I was gonna divide my ideas into sections, but it's just gonna be of a shoot from the hip situation.
Life Starts at 10 AM
This is for all my fellow night owls out there. Waking up early sucks, and if elected, I'll give Americans the right to sleep in! A major reason I haven't fully dove into teaching yet, aside from trying to make it blogging is the fact that I'll have to start waking up at like 5:30 am. It's basically a deal breaker. Being up that early is disgusting. Should've thought long and hard about that when I decided to be a teacher. While obviously we need some people awake early, but with me as President 9-5 is now 10-5. Just work harder in the condensed work day in exchange for a little more sleep. I think we're starting off great.
I'm not gonna lie. I do not know how this is possible, but with 12 years until I am eligible to become President I'm sure we could fine a way to get rid of traffic. My team will work diligently to fix this.
Employers Cannot Fire You Because of Social Media
Newest amendment. Job protection from social media. Just because you said "fuck" on the internet doesn't make you a bad employee. Let people have their lives outside of work. Sometimes people (me) get drunk and tweet some embarrassing stuff. Just let those people (me) live. As long as you aren't bashing your employer/coworkers, posting kidding porn or pro ISIS stuff then who cares?
Make The Black Keys My Personal Presidential Band
Kind of like how late night talk shows have their own house band. The Black Keys would be mind. I just love these guys. I'm keeping the Black Keys on retainer. Also can expose the entire nation to their great tunes. Win-win for everybody. They can still live their lives and everything, but when the President wants to hear El Camino he's gonna get to listen to it live.
No More "Safe Spaces"
Stop being a pussy. Obviously we shouldn't be racist or homophobic but at the same time you need to be able to deal with adversity in life. There are no safe spaces in the real world. College students are a fucking embarrassment now.
No More Welfare
Listen, despite hating Hillary I still consider myself pretty liberal, but welfare is gonzo if I'm President.
Well, maybe I should call it welfare reform instead of the elimination entirely. I do understand the need for people who truly need it when hard times come. The big problem though is that people abuse welfare. I hate that. The idea of helping people who don't want to help themselves is stupid to me. Wasted government money on people who don't want to better themselves. Use that money on something more productive (I'll get to that soon) You shouldn't just get money if you are doing nothing to deserve it. It's not the countries responsibility to give out hand outs. It's your parents. The only people who should be giving out money to people who don't deserve it are parents. Unemployment and disability are still okay in my book, but you shouldn't be allowed to be on welfare for years at a time which I'm pretty sure people do. Welfare, in the words of Kenny Powers "you're fucking out!"
Better Health Care For All
Another real policy thing that I don't know how to improve but I'm pretty sure they have universal health care in Canada and the good half of Europe, let's just call them up real quick to figure out the details.
It's 2016 everybody smokes weed. Legalize it, regulate it, monetize it. I'm almost positive Colorado uses a big chunk of the taxing on it for schools. If not they should, with me as President the entire country will. Also any people in jail for minor drug charges are getting released. Not worth it to waste government money imprisoning minor drug offenses.
Legalize Sports Gambling
I know we don't want sports to get corrupted through gambling but let's be honest...sports are already corrupt, ever heard of Roger Goodell? I'll say it again, legalize it, regulate it, and monetize it. That may be my slogan for things I want legalized. Screw your morals, lets make some money!
Pro Tip: If and when sports gambling is fully legalized, do not bet your entire bank roll on one game. Not worth it. Fuck the Colts.
It's the worlds oldest profession. Now listen, I don't want hookers out on the streets in your family neighborhoods either. But I don't have a problem with bringing back brothels. Again, legalize it, regulate it, and monetize it. If a grown man (or woman) wants to pay for a little strange they should be allowed to.
Pardon Tom Brady and The Patriots for "Deflategate"
Patriots got railroaded for being the best team of the last 15 years and haters want to bring them down. Even if what happened is true it is not cheating. Ball Violations are like a $25,000 fine. The punishments did not fit the crime. It's like the death penalty for J-walking. In 2028 I will make sure the good names of both Tom Brady and the New England Patriots organization as a whole are cleared. I can't wait to win the Super Bowl this year.
No More Black Olives
Black olives are fucking gross. Do not want them in my country. If this is a deal breaker for you then leave the USA baby. This is just as much a test of Patriotism, as it is me vocalizing my distaste for olives. If you rather eat nasty black olives than live in America we don't want you. Olive oil however is cool. You can stay.
Make It Harder To Get Guns
You should have to pass a background test, mental evaluation and some more tests that I don't even know about to get a gun. I'm not anti-gun, I'm anti mass shooting and anything I can do to have less dead Americans, I President Dozo will do it.
Day After the Super Bowl Is a National Holiday
This is one of my biggest sticking points. This is a MUST. The day after the Super Bowl is one of the worst days of the year, no more football, you are most likely very full and hungover, and feel awful. We need this day off. Just to restart. If Columbus gets a day off than America's real national sport deserves one too.
Also a little wrinkle I'd like to throw in... Similarly with how we register to vote and align with our political party, you can too register who your favorite team is legally. This is to avoid people taking advantage of the law I'm about to put in place. If your favorite team loses the Super Bowl you get Tuesday off too. Give people some time to grieve. Like when a family member dies. I know I surely could've used a whole month off after the Patriots went 18-1.
No More Hair Rules in the Military
Can't lie I'm a big hair guy. I think this is a stupid rule in our military. I get why it's in place but if I was President you could have flow and be a solider. They already don't really enforce this rule during combat. I mean look in American Sniper they all have beards and shit. Also I think if this rule went into place more people would sign up. I'm too fat to be in the military but if I could have a bucket of flow and chill in the Navy I'd be down. If you wanna protect this country it shouldn't matter what you look like as long as you do a good job. Hair can be part of your strength just ask Samson.
Conversely I think I shouldn't have to cut my hair to get a normal job. If it's clean and looks good (which my hair always does) there shouldn't be an issue.
Yankees have to get rid of their no long hair or facial hair rule too.
Harsher Death Penalty
If you purposely kill anybody with malice then you're dead. I do not want murders in my country. A little extreme but I think if enforced correctly it could help prevent more murders. Also if you killed children, however you killed them is how you're getting killed. Also no more lethal injection either, firing squad is back baby.
Make College Football Playoff 8 Teams
Just makes sense to make it more than 4 teams. 5 Power Conference champs get automatic big, then 3 wild card teams.
Use Chunk of Newly Legalized Things $ (Listed Earlier) to Improve Schools and Pay Teachers Better
Regardless if I teach a day in my life or not, I have the greatest respect for teachers. I think they should be compensated much better considering what they have to put up with and how important their job is. I also want to update textbooks and technology in schools, especially inner city ones that do not have the resources. With all the money coming in from legalized weed, sports gambling and hookers, I think to help ease people into the fact that all those things are legal now it would be great to use a chunk of that to help make schools better nationwide. Also with more money put into schools hopefully it would help students improve and make our next generation better.
Merge Both Dakotas and Make Puerto Rico a State
I like how we have 50 states. It's a nice big, round number. The fact that there used to 38 states at one point bothers me. I don't know why I want Puerto Rico as a state, but I think a lot of people do so whatever I'll make you guys happy. ''m the people's President after all. In order to do this however we need to eliminate a state. I don't want current states to leave (although if Connecticut or New Jersey did, so be it) so like when the Astros moved from the NL to AL to make each league have 15 teams we need the Dakotas to step up to the plate and become one state so we can stay at 50. This is also good because now I'll be able to say which state has Mount Rushmore. It's Dakota. No more guessing for ole dozo.
Deport The Kardashians
I don't care where you go but you gotta go somewhere else. Can't stand them or the fact that they are famous. Real shame.
Make The Office Comeback for One Season WITH MICHAEL SCOTT
I just want an update of how everybody is doing. I miss them all so much. How are Michael and Holly doing in Colorado? How are Jim and Pam in Austin? Is Creed still in Jail? How weird is Dwight and Angela's son?
These are questions that need answers and I get it they all have their own careers now, but I don't think anybody would be upset with 22 more episodes of the Office like 10 years in the future.
I could go on forever, but that's it for now. I still have 12 years to get my platform down. Hopefully we'll have no more black olives and the day after the Super Bowl off by then.