The 2022 NFL regular season is officially 2/3 complete. It's crazy, I know. December starts in less than four hours on the east coast. The 2020s are basically 30% over, and all I've got to show for it is an extra hundo+ in the scale and a semi-viral TikTok that got removed for a violation of bullying rules even though I was shitting on a fascist Qunt.
Anyways, I love football! The NFL is one of my favorite parts of being alive (even though I've fallen asleep during the witching hour like four times this season). Despite my New England Patriots currently standing on the outside looking in at the playoffs, there's plenty to be excited about (plus, they're still very much alive...for a few more weeks).
ICYMI: Biggest Surprises and Disappointments of the 2022 NFL Season So Far
If the season ended today, which we all know it does not as this is the 2/3 of the season recap blog, the playoffs would look like this:
These teams are technically still alive, but IMO, the Pats and Chargers are the only AFC teams with a chance to crack the AFC's top seven. The Seahawks and Falcons are the only ones with a chance in the NFC, but with the NFC Beast eating itself alive in head-to-head matchups, I think the Seahawks could squeak in (although that Raiders game was a hashtag BAD home loss and they already have a head-to-head L vs. NYG).
Here are some of my thoughts going into the final third of the season. I haven't blogged as much as I would like on the account of less than ideal mental health and I'm sorry, but let's make up for it now with some takes!!!
The Rams Will End the Season as the Worst Defending Super Bowl Champs Since the 1999 Broncos
Flags fly forever. The 2021 Los Angeles Rams will always be Super Bowl LVI champions, but their 2022 follow-up is a bigger disappointment than the last Black Keys album. "Fuck them picks" worked for an all-or-nothing Super Bowl run, buuuuut, the Rams don't have a first-round pick until 3008 and basically every important player on their roster is hurt.
I don't feel bad for Rams fans because Rams fans don't really exist. It's a combination of olds, who lost the Rams in 1995, and youngs, who didn't grow up with this team. LA is not a football city, even though they stole two franchises. The '99 Broncos went 6-10 after Elway retired and Terrell Davis got hurt. LA's remaining schedule isn't that tough on paper, but they'll lose at least three of those games, which would, in the best-case scenario, make them 6-11, which is a worse winning percentage than 6-10.
Jeff Saturday Getting an Interim Head Coaching Job is Not the End of the World
Yo, fuck the Colts, and fuck me for believing in them so much going into the season that I bet $300 on them to win the AFC South at +110. The last two Super Bowl champs were loaded teams that upgraded with a veteran QB, and I really thought the Colts would follow that trend. I peppered them to win the Super Bowl too. It's safe to say those tickets are dead. Whatever, it's only money that I could totally use this time of year, but you miss all the shots you don't take, and I still don't think the Titans are good.
When the Patriots dismantled the Colts 26-3 in week 9, it ended Frank Reich's tenure as Indy's HC, and Jim Irsay decided to replace him with analyst/former Colts center Jeff Saturday.
At the time, it ruffled feathers around the league since Saturday's only coaching experience was at the high school level. With the league's shaky past regarding minority candidates, I understand the outrage over sort of skirting the Rooney Rule, but at the same time, we need to remember that Jim Irsay is a "recovering" junky who once tried to get Colt fans to turn in expired prescriptions for a 2014 season highlights DVD. He's not a good decision guy.
Of course, he hired his friend. The Colts were going nowhere fast, and maybe nobody on the staff was worthy of the interim tag. I should look it up, but I don't care about this franchise and am holding a grudge for them fucking up my future on them winning the South. It's not fair, but the game of life is all about who you know, and this Hall of Very Good center knows the Colts owner. He got an incredible opportunity out of it. Nepotism and favoritism aren't fair, but few things in life are. I liked what Saturday said in his press conference, and he already beat Josh McDaniels, so he's not the worst coach in the league. Plus, he'll probably get fired after the season ends and replaced with a more qualified candidate. Democratic backsliding is a much more pressing issue.
I get the frustration with how he got the job, but it's also a zany story in the middle of the season, and those are always fun.
Dennis Allen Should Be in Jail For Forcing Andy Dalton Upon Us #FreeJameis
Speaking of bad coaches, I picked the Saints to win the NFC South as a contrarian hardo pick back in September. Hand up, that probably won't happen, but excuse me for tryna spice up the gumbo. Look, I know Jameis has his flaws and can be frustrating at times, but the dude has an it factor and a higher ceiling than Andy Dalton. Let's remember the numbers Jameis put up in 2019.
Andy Dalton has zero future with the Saints, and Jameis has shown glimpses of being the guy. Andy Dalton is a nice guy, and I'm glad he's still getting paid, but he's made the Saints unwatchable at times. They just got shut out vs. the Niners. Look at Jameis; he's hurting emotionally. He needs to be out there.
Dennis Allen is a shitty coach and an even shittier person for robbing us of Jameis Winston on Sundays. I don't think I'm overreacting when I say he should be in jail for subjecting us to Andy Dalton when Jameis is good to go. Jameis could've scored two touchdowns last week. It was a very winnable game, and all Andy Dalton did was have cool red hair and not score points. The Saints are basically dead when it comes to the playoffs, so have fun with all these weapons and see if Jameis is the guy for next season because it sure as hell isn't Andy Dalton (who, again, is a nice guy).
Zach Wilson is a Bum
Zero accountability (Pats D made him look like a JV high schooler), and he can't do anything at QB. Congrats on picking him over Justin Fields, Jets!
I'm not a college football guy, I didn't see Zach Wilson play at BYU, but by the simple eye test, I knew he wasn't cut out of the NFL. He screams soft bitch that cannot lead adult men.
Sometimes, you can judge a book by its cover. This dude is a bust and will be out of the league in three years.
The Bills Might Be Fraud-Adjacent
2nd highest scoring offense with the 5th fewest points allowed, yet the Bills have some head-scratching losses. I know they've been injured, but between their inability to conventionally run the ball, Sean McDermott being a fake good coach, and Josh Allen low-key being a turnover machine (11 picks and 9 fumbles--although they weren't all lost), I don't trust this team come playoff time. This isn't my Pats bias, either. I know they went into Arrowhead and won, but I just don't think this team is built for the playoffs. If they lose to the Pats on Thursday, it's time to start smashing the panic button.
The 49ers Are the Scariest Team in Football
They'll only go as far as Jimmy G will take them, but in his past two playoff runs, the Niners made a Super Bowl and should've won the NFC (that dropped INT changed everything). The trio of Deebo, Kittle, and McCaffrey is no hyperbole one of the best WR-TE-RB combos in NFL history. They need a cool nickname. I think SF has battled some injuries, but what team hasn't? In a wide-open NFL, this team could win it all if they can get competent play out of the QB. I love playing with them in Madden. The 49ers are a team nobody in the NFC wants to see come playoff time. The Eagles and Vikings should be terrified of San Francisco, even though Shanahan loves to blow double-digit leads.
Yassified Joe Burrow Could Get It.
Big swing and miss by me not saying "Judith Burrow" in that Saving Silverman Reference, but every year someone uses a girl filter on NFL QBs/coaches, and goes viral. Congrats, Joe Burrow, you make the hottest lady, bro. I think we can all admit that my photoshop is a sexy pic. I won't judge if you end No Nut November with it. Actually, I will just because anybody who partakes in that is a loser. Cum to what you want, though. With bitch ass Zach Wilson's delicate features, you'd think he'd make the hottest chick, but the filters did him dirty (still would).
The Patriots Would be 8-3 with a Real OC.
We should've beaten the Dolphins and Packers. Matt Patricia is crippling Mac's development (he did look nice on Thanksgiving though). Hunter Henry caught it.
At the 1/3 point these were my award winners:
MVP: Josh Allen
OPOY: Nick Chubb
DPOY: Micah Parsons
Comeback Player of the Year: Saquon Barkley
OROY: Chris Olave
DPOY: Sauce Gardner
Coach of the Year: Brian Daboll
Here's the 2/3 point update:
MVP: Patrick Mahomes (he probably won't win because he's judged differently for being so good but he's carrying the Chiefs who've shown they'll be fine without Tyreek)
OPOY: Tyreek Hill (still putting up numbers as much as Idfw him)
DPOY: Micah Parsons
Comeback Player of the Year: Saquon Barkley/Geno Smith if the Seahawks make the playoffs
OROY: Chris Olave
DPOY: Sauce Gardner
Coach of the Year: Brian Daboll
Let's end the blog with some rapid fire takes!
-Ravens will go one and done if they make the playoffs. All they do is blow double-digit leads.
-I no longer think Trevor Lawrence will be a bust.
-The Packers should shut down Aaron Rodgers for the rest of the season and give AJ Dillon more goal line carries.
-I cannot emphasize how bad of a name the Washington Commanders is. I understand why they retired Redskins and have no issues with that, but Commanders fucking sucks. (I love the left hand up song though)
-Kyler Murray isn't a winner.
-If Justin Fields gets some real weapons or more importantly a real line, the Bears could make the playoffs next year.
-The Bucs fucking suck, but if they get into the playoffs you never know.
-The Chargers *should* make the playoffs, but won't because of Brandon Staley. If they do, it'll be because the Jets fell off.
-My Pats will miss the playoffs at 9-8.
-The Texans should be relegated.
-Too Many Legs has two 7-1 weeks this season but is still winless. If I go 0-16 it's retired until next season.