Last year, I watched the HBO classic series The Sopranos for the first time. I was in high school when it ended, so I knew about the whole controversial ending situation, but outside of the theme song (which my dad had a cassette tape of that I must've heard 1000+ times), I knew almost nothing about the series
As a Portuguese/Irish American, there are plenty of cultural differences I was ignorant to as well. I had no idea how important ziti is, but the one that shocked me the most was how according to big bad Mafiosos, eating pussy was for lack of a more enlightened term "gay," and I don't mean gay in the way that everybody used to use gay to mean dumb. I mean gay as homosexual and weak (which is also outdated, Carl Nassib would kick your ass!). It's crazy to think about how performing a sexual act on the opposite sex could be perceived that way. It literally makes no sense, especially by a group that makes out with the cheeks of the same sex to show "respect."
Luckily, society has evolved over the last 20 or so years. There are gay mafia members now (if only Vito were 15 years younger). Not only is it no longer considered "gay" or weak to go down on a consenting woman, but it's encouraged! There are boxes of feminist anthems about the very subject. In fact, eating pussy is no longer enough. Nowadays, if you want to please a woman, you're expected to eat the booty like groceries, which I'm sure would've made Tony's head explode like one of Ralph's whowas.
This whole discussion got me thinking, "which NFL QBs eat ass?" They're not exactly made men, but there are few jobs with more admiration and responsibility in today's society, and our society LOVES to glamorize the mob. As a QB, you're supposed to be a leader of men and do whatever it takes to win, but what about off the field? Are you willing to do everything to please your woman? (when there's an officially open NFL QB, we can change the terminology, but for now, let's not get wrapped up in heteronormativity, k?) Are you willing to get dirty both on and off the field?
I don't know why my weird brain has been fixated on this topic for the last week or so, but this is a blog I've been dying to write. Thanks to my covidcation, I've got the time. We can compare QBs based on boring things like arm strength and pocket presence, but I'm more focused on who's willing to toss a salad instead of a pigskin. Without further ado, here's the official DOL NFL QB Ass Eater Power Rankings (based on Week 13 starters). This power ranking will be tier-based, the later you see the name, the more likely they're down to go down.
No Chance in H-E-Double Hockey Sticks: Carson Wentz, Andy Dalton, Trevor Lawrence, and Kirk Cousins
This is the "sex is only for procreation" crowd, and if some of them are unwilling to get vaccinated to protect their teammates, coaches, and communities, they're likely selfish lovers too. Like, there's no chance on God's green earth that Kirk Cousins has ever made a woman cum. He screams, "YOU LIKE THAT?" after three minutes of missionary.
Too Childish to Eat Ass: Patrick Mahomes
If you put ketchup on your well done steak, you clearly have no taste for the finer things in life.
Tried it Once and Didn't Like It: Baker Mayfield, Mac Jones, Josh Allen, Kyler Murray, and Justin Herbert
Just because you're young doesn't mean you're hip. The only thing these guys want to burry their nose into is the playbook.
Secretly Wants to but His Wife is Against it: Ryan Tannehill
He's been begging for years (even though there's not much to munch on).
Too Painful to Try: Mike Glennon
It's not that Mike Glennon is against eating box #2; it's just physically uncomfortable for him to do so.
Why Would You Eat Ass When You're Packing a Pool Stick?: Teddy Bridgewater
Teddy would eat some booty if he had to, but sadly, nobody's ever asked. Can you really blame them? Instead of "Teddy Two Gloves," we should call him "Teddy Two Foot."
Says He's Down, but Always Finds an Excuse: Aaron Rodgers
He claims he used to do it all the time but then had an ex who didn't like it, so now he's always finding an excuse. "I can't, babe; my pinky toe is killing me." "I swear I will after Rogan," then he falls asleep.
BYU Wildcards: Taysom Hill and Zach Wilson
At first glance, it's easy to write off Taysom Hill and Zach Wilson due to their affiliation with Brigham Young University, but at the same time, the Mormons have always been a crafty bunch. Much like soaking, could anilingus be the perfect loophole?
Willing Participant ONLY if the Favor is Returned: Joe Burrow, Dak Prescott, and Cam Newton
All three were superstars in college that are used to getting treated like royalty, two of the three had all-time seasons that ended with a Heisman and Natty, but these guys are only licking that fatty if you return the favor. It's about power to them; how badly do you want it?
Grinders Willing to do Whatever it Takes to Get the Job Done: Taylor Heinicke, Gardner Minshew, and Tyrod Taylor
These are all guys who know their next start could very well be their last. They're willing to do whatever it takes to stay on the field. They'll get dirty, make the tough plays and sacrifice their body for the good of the team. Plus, did you see how Gardner Minshew hugs his FATHER? This dude likes it rough and weird. Even if these boys aren't about the ass-eating life, they'll pull up their bootstraps and at least give it the ole college try.
Reformed Non-Ass Eaters: These guys used to be against it, but have since changed their tune.
He'd be a fool not to.
Russ is a medium-key prude, but when your wife is famous for singing about "her goodies," it's time to get with the times (even if that song is nearly 18 years old).
Matty Ice has been in Atlanta for like, 15 years at this point. Boston College Matt Ryan didn't even eat pussy, but ATL Matt Ryan slurps ass like it's lean.
Bridget Moynahan-era Brady didn't even know this was an option, but after a dozen years of marriage to Giselle, as long as she hasn't eaten any nightshades in the last 48 hours, Brady's chowing like a Hungry Hungry Hippo.
Certified Ass Eaters:
His name basically translate to "two tongue lover." He was born to eat booty.
He's a duel-threat QB who's not afraid to take chances in and outside of the pocket (or bedroom). Between his time in Florida, "the ville," and now Baltimore, he'll eat anything with a dab of hot sauce on it.
Why do you think he's been wearing eyeliner for his entire career? Gotta counteract the pinkeye!
This dude openly dates porn stars and lives in San Francisco. He's obvi down with a lil' b-hole play.
That concludes the Week 13 NFL QB Booty Eater Power Rankings. Feel free to sound off in the comments if you disagree with anybody's placement! If Davis Mills starts this week, I think we know where he belongs.