Former “Naked Gun” star O.J. Simpson is up for parole this week, after serving nine years of a 33-year sentence for kidnapping and robbery (but not, astoundingly, murder). Previous reports have indicated Simpson might have a decent chance at getting out of prison, but a new scoop from the Daily Mail suggests his carnal urges might prevent him from seeing the light of day (not the murdering though, that’s still chill).
According to a prison source, Simpson was caught whacking it in his cell by a female correctional officer in June. The Juice is facing a disciplinary hearing for that infraction, which isn’t scheduled to occur until after this afternoon’s hearing. That could cause problems for Simpson. “While it’s not the most serious charge to be written up for in prison, it’s serious enough that any potential parole date maybe be delayed or his parole denied all together,” said the source. After nine years of reportedly mostly model behavior, it’s astounding that Simpson would risk his freedom just to get his rocks off. At the same time, aside from the first 10 or so years of my life, I’ve never gone nearly a decade without an orgasm, so what do I know? Also astounding that honking off is not allowed in prison — you’d think it might cut down on some of the violence. Working in Simpson’s favor this afternoon will be the testimony of Bruce Fromong, one of his victims in the robbery, who believes Simpson has served his time. The DA who prosecuted the case thinks similarly, telling the New York Post “The guy did a lot of time on a robbery charge, I expect he’ll probably be paroled.” Until then Simpson, you better not let any more juice get loose. Also: Don’t kill anybody. Well I hope the juice was worth the squeeze, O.J! But, seriously, I'm really torn on this one. Because on one hand (get it? This is a story about jerking off!) it's O.J. I don't really have a ton of sympathy for him. Not because he's probably a murderer, but because he's the biggest dummy of all time, and I fucking hate stupid people, dude. The guy had it all: Heisman Trophy, 2000 yard season, a sweet nickname (The Juice), a film career, AND beat a murder charge. Talk about a HOF plaque. Say what you will about the man, but he has lived one full life. It's like a real life Forrest Gump, but instead of his girl dying from AIDS, he killed her in cold blood. O.J. literally got away with murder, which may be a bigger dream than making it to NFL for some. Sure, he was later found legally responsible for the murders and had to pay $33.5 million in damages, but he was free. Free and broke, breaks rich and in jail IMO. He was free, golfing with Peter Griffin (in cartoons), stealing Direct TV, just living life on the outside. Then he decides to steal a bunch of sports memorabilia and ended up in prison for that, could serve up to 33 years. Yeah there were guns involved. But it's crazy, dude somehow beat slicing up his ex wife and her "friend" like some 20 year old Asian kid working his first night at a Hibachi grill, but ended up in prison for trying to steal his old jerseys at a casino. It's like a way more embarrassing version of tax evasion being what brought down Al Capone. But on the other hand (again, jerk off story) I'm a man, and I have empathy for my fellow XX chromies. The dude got caught jerking off, and every dude who has ever been caught playing tug of war with a cyclops knows how embarrassing that can be. Getting caught was literally my biggest fear from ages 12 to honestly still til today. And to add insult to injury, it may lead to him being denied parole. Talk about a costly whack. Say whatever you want about the Juice, but I'm never going to get mad at someone for jerking off in the middle of the night in the privacy of their own home/jail cell. Then again, I'm also torn on the act itself. I'm a big be on your best behavior when you're in trouble guy. That's why I always clean up my room when I know shit's about to go down at home. On one hand (ok this is getting old), he should've been smarter and held off peeling the banana for a couple more days. He was so close! But then again, like the Tame Impala song, 'Cause I'm a Man, I know how it goes as a dude. That sometimes when the urge strikes, there's nothing you can do, sometimes you have to clear the pipes or else something catastrophic could happen. Who am I to tell another man when it's okay to oil the glove? Let's leave it to the people.
P.S. I get it you don't want jail to turn into dudes just beating their dicks 24/7, but considering how violent and fucked up jails are. Maybe a bunch of convicts just chilling in their cells beating their dicks like the victims of the crimes that landed them there in the first place wouldn't be the worst thing. Idk I'm just a wannabe blogger, but I feel like that isn't the worst idea in the world. Like make the penalty for using your jizz as a weapon automatic death sentence if you're worried about things getting out of hand. I think I just fixed the prison system in this country.
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