After a decade in "retirement," the best uniforms in the storied history of the New England Patriots are BACK, and they look fantastic.
Now, I've never seen Back to the Future or its two sequels, so I can't comment on how well they incorporated that family classic about nearly fucking your mother into this announcement, but boy, are these some sexy digs.
I know the Patriots' current uniforms are inspired by the classic Pat Patriot look, but they're uglier than the cab driver from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. The number font is terrible. All blues should be left for Miles Davis.
These ain't much better, kid, but last year in the Bills game after Christmas, Mac and a few other Patriots (I know Uche had one) wore the late 2010s version of the Patriots color-rush uniforms. They're still not my swag, but these jerseys are significantly better with the 2010s numbers.
But I'm delighted the official news of the Pats are bringing back the red tops came out today (even though we all knew it was coming) because it's a fabulous transition to a blog I've had in my head the last few days.
If you follow me, you know all about my current whip, the 'scape. I don't fw the current color, but I love my new, used car. It still has stickers from the previous owner that I need to remove and replace with stuff that's more me, but I've been waiting for the right moment. In case you already forgot, the Boston Celtics recently went on a lil' run to game six of the NBA Finals, so I was holding out, hoping to buy a 2022 NBA Champs bumper sticker to slap on the 'scape. Unfortunately, two wins are not enough to claim a championship, so I couldn't buy that sticker, for it does not exist.
I haaaate supporting Amazon, but I mean, it's probably the best bet for something like a sticker. I've tried stores and the selections stink. So over the weekend, while I was ubin, I started looking for some new stickers to put on the 'scape. I knew I for sure wanted a Celtics one and a throwback Pat Patriot three-point stance one. I get that the Patriots sucked for the majority of its run, but I love the Pat Patriot look. They're one of the best uniforms in NFL history, IMO. Chargers powder blues are better, but I think the Pats are right up there.
Anyway, I searched "throwback Patriots stickers" on Amazon, and because that word has been hijacked by the far-right, some non-football-related stickers came up. As terrifying as the fact that some people think hating minorities, science, the truth, and trying to whitewash history makes you a Patriot, that's not the case. A true Patriot should be critical of the problems in their country and want to fix them. You can love something and be critical of it. Like, I love being an American, but we have a significant gun problem that must be addressed; our health care system is a fucking joke, and it's absolute bull shit that potholes even exist.
I worry that someday, my favorite football team will have to change its name because of the word's negative connotation, thanks to wannabe fascists. A Patriot supports their country but doesn't break into the Capitol to overthrow a fair and free election or say blue lives matter in response to legit racism. This isn't Avatar; there are no blue lives, but you already knew that if you have a functioning brain. This blog's already getting a little fluffy, so let's dive into the
Top 10 Worst "Patriots" Stickers on Amazon
#10. "I Did That"
Do I love how high gas prices are right now? Of course not. I'm not some scumbag big oil douchebag exec that's gouging the fuck out of people to make up for lost profits from Covid. But if you have even an 80 IQ, you likely know that the President doesn't set gas prices, and the only reason prices were so low in early 2020 is because of the pandemic. These maga morons live in a fantasy world where gas was $1.28 in 2018. IT WASN'T. All Republicans have done during the Biden administration is block any progress in Congress so they can campaign on "what a failure sleepy Joe is." I don't fucking simp for Biden. I'd love a 54-year-old President instead, but when the choice is between two old fucks and one wants to be a dictator, I'm going with the sleepy head. If you want to blame anybody for gas prices, look at the GQP.
#9. United Brands of America
Don't worry; the whole list isn't political. I just don't understand what kind of Darren Rovell squid would want this sticker on their car, laptop, or water bottle or how this comes up when you search "Patriots sticker." Supporting Wal-Mart or FedEx is the furthest thing from "being a Patriot."
#8. "Foxtrot Juliet Bravo"
I love the irony of all these "fuck your feelings" people being too big of pussies to just say Fuck Biden. It's aggressive AF when you do see those stickers or flags in the rusted bed of a 17-year-old F150, but I can at least respect that over the "Let's Go Brandon" garbage. You're a fucking pussy if you say that. This sticker just gives me Bloodhound Gang vibes. Plus, it's dull and ugly. I just wanna know why these people hate Biden so much. Is it because Trump let 5,000 Taliban prisoners go? Or because Trump fucked up the economy by giving the ultra-rich tax cuts?
I've wasted too much valuable time trying to figure out how this campy ass sticker got mixed up in these parts. Is this from a right-wing meme that I don't know? I love corndogs; they're superior. Actually, I should probably say "better" than traditional hot dogs in this context, but who the fuck is buying this??? Who is this for?
#6. Skeleton Lady Liberty and a Weapon of War
For a group that hates transpeople, it's wild to see them remove all femininity from Lady Liberty to forcibly transition her to a quasi-Iron Maiden album cover in the name of Patriotism.
#5. "Trump Girl"
The conflicting fonts look worse than Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene. What does it exactly mean to be a Trump Girl? You don't want autonomy over your body? You wish we could go back to the days when you couldn't get into credit card debt because you weren't allowed to have one? Thank God these stickers didn't exist while Bush was in the Whitehouse.
#4. "My Dog is a Democrat. He Waits Around All Day And Expects Me to Feed Him"
I don't find this sticker offensive; I find it dangerous. Not because of the context, but how poorly it's fucking designed. There's way too much going on on the bottom line; it's like you're getting an eye exam. Fifty-two characters are far too many for one line of text on a bumper sticker, and this is coming from someone who once wrote 2000 words on That Thing You Do. Someone's gonna crash trying to decipher this. Best case scenario, someone realizes they need glasses.
#3. "If This Flag Offends You I'll Help You Pack"
Nothing says "it's a free country," like saying get out if you disagree with me. Plus, this is a bigger lie than that the election was "stolen," and reads like a 2011 meme. Helping people move sucks. I hope the next person I help move is my future kid into college. I'd love to see someone who bought this get called on their bull shit. You better have moving blankets and boxes ready to go, you fucking liars.
#2. "If You Dont Like Police Next Time Your In Trouble Call a Crackhead"
This sticker inspired the whole blog. I mean, it's maganificent. It blew me away at first glance. Of course there's the almost too on the nose misusage of "your," but it's just such right wing nonsense. What a fucking leap. Your only options are cops or crackheads?? I'm just trying to wrap my head around the type of person who would see this and un-ironically buy it. I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous this statement is in the name of Patriotism...mainly because I every time I see it I hear in my head the Stephen A. "WHO WAS ON CRACK!" voice. Go Rams.
#1. "Peace, Love, Trump"
Even his biggest Kool-Aid drinkers have to admit this sticker is fucking nuts. Peace, love, and Trump go together like arms, legs, and wood chippers. Which makes sense cause a wood chipper is more peaceful than that rambling moron. This sticker was actually part of a 50 pack, but deserves its own spot on the blog. Peace, Love, and Trump make about as much sense as water, bathtub, and toaster oven. Even Donald would tell you to your face that he's not a peace guy. The only peace he likes is a piece of that pussy without your consent.
That concludes the top 10 list. Search "Patriots stickers" on Amazon if you don't believe me. Go NEW ENGLAND Patriots. I can't wait to see those unis on the gridiron this fall!