Eating 43 burgers has never been a goal of mine. I usually tap out at five and even that’s with PEDs.
Whenever I get McDonald’s; which is rare, I’m a Taco Bell man... I usually get some combination of McChickens with no lettuce and McDoubles with only mayo and ketchup (deconstructed fancy sauce). I almost never get fries, but cookies are always in play.
If none of this makes ANY sense to you at this point...please watch this.
One of my future bosses, Dave “El Pres” Portnoy is turning 43 on the 22nd. Somehow the challenge of eating 43 McDonald’s HAMburgers in 12 hours in honor of the occasion came up. The whole backstory is here.
After reading/listening; a light bulb went off. This could be my chance to get discovered by the company I have made it my life’s mission to work for. As a binge boi that copes with food, I can CRUSH and have plenty of experience of eating to the point of pain. Just last night I had four packets of minute rice and I’m supposed to be a liquid diet right now. ?
I’ve always explained to people unfamiliar with Barstool that it’s the hardest and easiest job to get of all time. You never know when an opportunity is going to present itself. Some people worked their ass off for years putting in the time building a following big enough to get discovered, some just have a stupid nickname and get a chance from that. There is no rhyme or reason; which is why I’ll never give up.
Do I want to do this challenge? Of course not. I’ve spent a majority of the last nine months trying to get my life back in order after putting on 80 of the 120 pounds I lost in 2016. I’m almost positive my body will reject this much pink slime, but guess what? That’s what I’m willing to do. I really don’t want to “teach” kids any more and am out of options. 28 year olds with a resume of subbing, Uber driving and cutting off people’s electricity aren’t exactly the most desirable candidates for “normal” jobs. Besides, a normal job is the last thing I want. A desperate parent will do anything to save their baby and writing/being who I truly want to be is mine
I make dark jokes a lot and will continue to, but when I say I would rather be dead than give up my dream of writing for Barstool I’m serious as a heart attack (which may happen during this).
Here’s a chance to put my money where my mouth is (literally and figuratively!) I really think if I post this to social media and show my potential spectrum charisma and eating skills that may be what lifts me from the status of internet Pleb. In the wake of a zillion beers the timing seems right.
The way I see it there aren’t a lot of possible outcomes. I either do it and get recognition for it; do it and nothing happens; try and fail; or die. Once you put it like that it doesn’t seem that bad. 25% chance I’m writing for Barstool come March Madness.
According to the internet, 43 McDonalds hamburgers (250 x 43) is about 11,000 calories. Let’s not even worry about fat or cholesterol rn. I’ve had nights where I got to 7 or 8k without even breaking a belt loop. (Almost) worst case I, eat 12 burgers and if nothing happens (internet wise) and abort mission like I’m 17 with full ride to an Ivy League school (15 years ago...now they’d probably give your baby a scholarship too)
Am I crazy? Probably. Am I driven? You bet your ass. If given the opportunity to write for Barstool I will pour my entire enlarged heart into work and producing content. I am talented enough and don’t need to go down this rant rn but basically if gaining 10 lbs that I’m gonna gain regardless could possibly get me the job of my dreams I say order up.
My plan is to attempt this mission Saturday, unless something with Barstool happens beforehand. I am going to be making some more content tonight and the rest of this week but as of now I’m saying 70/30 I give this a shot Saturday. Please vote and say whether or not you think I should try on multiple internet platforms using the hashtag #HireDozo