Signing Someone Up For Emails to Organizations they Don't FW (fuck with) Should Be a FEDERAL CRIME

​Last week I was banned from the Playstation Network for three days because I told someone who was spamming my inbox after beating me with the Kansas City Chiefs (something that takes literally zero skill when you just bomb it with Pat Mahomes to Tyreek Hill)​ to kill themself.

Should I have done it? No, of course not, but when someone sends eight messages in a row, talking shit, challenging your manhood, it can be enough to make you revert to the gaming ways of your youth. Like Pierre Bouvier said so passionately atop a roof in 2003, "I'm sorry, I can't be perfect."

Plus, as someone who hasn't gone a day without considering the early check-out since learning what it was, I thought I'd have some protection in this situation. Apparently not in the eyes of Sony.

Since I was logged out of the PSN and put in an online-gaming timeout for 72 hours, I had plenty of time to think about what I had done; how to remedy this situation to play more online Madden and feel good about myself for about 45 seconds after a win (NBD, I'm 60 games over .500). Do I create a new PSN account? Do I use this time productively? (NOPE) Should I just flex and buy a PS5? Ultimately, I played a fantasy draft franchise mode and went 19-0 on All-Madden with the Patriots, who were lead by a two-headed QB-monster in Russell Wilson and Taysom Hill (Russell threw 70 TD and Taysom threw 30; 39 of which were caught by Julio Jones).

When it came time to log back into my account, I was in quite a predicament. Since my PSN password wasn't auto-saved like on a phone or laptop where all it needs to do is scan my face or fingerprint, I didn't know what it was. Resetting it was going to be an adventure in itself. I made the mistake of using my college email to create my PSN account. See, I graduated college in 2015 and bought my PS4 as a present to myself when Am*zon came out with a PS4+Madden 16 bundle. This is my long-winded way of saying my PSN password that I forgot was linked to an email account whose password I also forgot.

After emailing and calling the URI tech help desk (something I was absolutely dreading), I was able to regain access to my college email account and was re-reminded of a "prank" a friend of a friend (someone who I do not consider "my guy!!") pulled on me in 2013. This guy signed me up for email lists of pretty much everything that early-2013 Dozo hated; The New York Jets, Baltimore Ravens (remember this was just months after they beat the Patriots at Gillette in an AFFCG that I attended with my dad as my Christmas present), Miami Heat, Justin Bieber, and One Direction. There were probably more, but that's all I can remember eight years later.

Now, I'm not a fucking idiot (at least not in this situation). I know you can unsubscribe from an email list, but sometimes those mailing lists are like Fabulous' celibate attitude; they don't give a fuck about your unsubscribing wishes. Apparently, in the six years since I graduated, the Baltimore Ravens had reached out to yours truly thousands of times despite unsubscribing, or so I thought.

Now is this prank sort of funny? Well, despite what too woke censorship wants to tell you, comedy is in the eye of the beholder. What cannot be debated is the invasiveness of said prank. These groups that I couldn't stand had my data! For my last two years of college, I was bombarded by teams and musicians I thoroughly despised at the time. I'm not going to say it, but if somebody else wants to say my email was gang-r-worded, I'm not going to correct them. None of these groups had my consent!​

I've heard that Cybersecurity is one of the fastest-growing fields in this country, and I'm worried that it's far too easy for someone else to fall victim to this not-so victimless crime. All you need to do is add an email address, and bam, you're on an email list. I'm not suggesting it, but you, too, could hypothetically do this to someone else. 

People shit on emails like "[email protected]," "[email protected]," or [email protected], but at least those aren't super easy to guess. 

If you know someone's full name and job (or just put @gmail.com), you can probably guess their email. I don't want to make regular folks have to jump through more hoops to prove they're them, and sure, we all know our devices are spying on our every move, and they could easily be able to realize if the right person is signing someone up or not, but this is the U.S. of A. baby! We love throwing people in jail to exploit their incarcerated labor. That's why I'm suggesting if you do what was done to me and sign someone up for an emailing list that they do not want, or to take it one step further, sign up ANYBODY for an emailing list (that's something they can handle themselves) it should be an automatic 5-years in federal prison. That is the only way to make people take Cybersecurity seriously. Ole Dozo getting Bieber emails won't be so funny when you're someone's baby, baby, baby oooh, like baby, baby, baby nooo, like baby, baby, baby oooh tossin' salads in federal prison.