The Fact That Babies Can't Drink Water Has Waterfront Real Estate in My Brain

I turn 32 next month, and my younger sister just had her first kid (s/o Ro) about two months ago, so the external pressure to reproduce is a tad elevated. It's not that I wouldn't love to have children someday; I'm just much more worried about simply getting some and our country not becoming a fascist theocracy.

Also, I'm nowhere close to ready for fatherhood. Despite my size, I'm internally like 26. I had an ubah passenger during Halloweekend that thought I was in college. Maybe if I met a smart, silly, sexy pop-punk princess in herlate 20s/early 30s that can afford raising a kid, then sure, I'd be down for tryna make a lil Dozo, but until then, I'm focusing on saving the world one Instagram story at a time.

Besides, I recently discovered some information about newborn babies, and it's one of the most mind-blowing things I've ever heard. I cannot wrap my head around it. I don't know how I went nearly 32 years without learning this information. Okay, here it goes. Did you know newborn babies can't drink fucking water? Yes, WATER…you know…that one thing necessary to sustain all life. Yeah, these sleepy poop machines can't even have a lil bit of Poland Springs without "dying" until they're like six months old. Unreal. But zygotes are people. Gottttt it! No cap you're not viable until you can drink water without there being a serious risk of it KILLING YOU.

I'm no scientist, but I guess I can grasp the whole "their bodies simply aren't developed enough to handle water" thing, but that just still seems so fucking stupid. Can these newborns be any more helpless? Is this why the infant mortality rate until, let's call it 1920, was like 48%?? How can you be alive and not be able to drink water????? I've taken multiple sips of water in the time it's taken me to write these three paragraphs, and honestly, I could use another one. Of course, I am not the ideal human specimen to use as an example for leading a healthy lifestyle, but it's kind of wild to think I've had enough water in the past five minutes to kill multiple babies.

I'd like to assume this information is common knowledge for parents and caretakers of infants, but I've met an alarmingly high number of Americans who thought Rhode Island was part of New York so you can't be too sure. It's astonishing how uninformed the general population is. There are plenty of stupid people with children. Just look at any school board meeting in a red state. Moms for Liberty, more like Qunts for Fascism. 

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If you're like me and were curious as to why water is as dangerous around a baby as Casey Anthony, apparently, it has to do with regulating sodium levels. 

Source: Hackensack Meridian Health

• Water would fill them up. Babies have tiny stomachs, so everything that they consume needs to be nourishing. Water would fill their stomach without calories or nutrients, crowding out essential nutrition.
• Babies may be at risk of water intoxication. When young babies drink water, it dilutes the levels of sodium in their blood. This dip in sodium may cause drowsiness, confusion or seizures.
• Babies already get enough water. They don't drink plain water, but breast milk and baby formula are mostly water. These beverages contain the nutrients that growing babies need to develop properly.

I hope this doesn't turn out to be some blog where all of my loyal readers are like…really Dozie? You didn't know this? 

I mean, why would I? I don't have any kids and am a water ambassador. I love water. I literally cannot live without it. I've known about the "soft spot" and not to shake the baby since I was like eight years old after one of my cousins was born. How did I know that and hold onto it ever since, but not know that babies can't drink water? I cannot emphasize enough how irrationally upset this makes me. Babies being unable to drink water is about as much of a mind-fuck as the sun being 93 MILLION miles away but too much exposure to it can kill you. Unless you use a lot of this cream. Like wtf, dude?

As blown-away I am by the fact, I'm just as shocked that I didn't know. Maybe I'm crazy (keep your answer to yourself), but learning this information has *21 Savage voice* really fucked me up. What other essential keys to life do I not know? This ordeal opened up a new stream of self-doubt that I didn't know existed. Is DMB's "Don't Drink The Water" actually a children's song?

I never thought DOL would be passing out baby survival tips, but a lot has changed since I started this publication in 2016.

​I'm super infatuated with this whole babies can't drink water thing, and it caused me to do a little more research. According to the same source that explained why babies don't fuck with h2o, here's how much they can handle once that day when they can finally wet their whistle comes. 

Once your baby is six months old, it's okay for them to have some water. But it's important to limit how much water they drink.
The American Academy of Pediatrics' daily water recommendations are:

• For babies six to 12 months: ½ to 1 cup (4 to 8 ounces)
• For babies 12 to 24 months: 1 to 4 cups (8 to 32 ounces)

These recommendations are for total daily intake, not for intake at one sitting. Start by giving 6-month-old babies 2 ounces of water at a sitting.
It's okay if your baby doesn't drink 2 ounces of water at a time. Some babies prefer a few sips of water here and there throughout the day.

So, today's lesson is simple. If you see a baby under six months old, do not give them any water. Even if they look thirsty. It's essentially the same thing as giving them gasoline. Nothing in life makes sense. Just be nice to people and don't even fuckin' think about giving a four-month old some water.