It's been a LONG time since my last uber chronicles the-uber-chronicles-volume-1.html but alas I have returned.
If Indiana Jones can go 19 years between movies, I can go a few (6) months between volumes of the uber chronicles. There's been a few attempts at a second volume but they just didn't have what it takes for whatever reason to get posted. Just not a ton of great stories plus I haven't been Ubering a ton lately, so there's not a lot of material. Frankly it isn't really worth it financially to uber unless it's surging, and it doesn't surge a ton around here. However Saturday that was not case as I out on the mean streets during the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Newport.
Let's relive that day with the most notable rides of the day. Think only the riders find uber weird and uncomfortable? Think again.
PSA: Shut The Damn Door
This happens whenever I drive people to Bon Vue and happened again Saturday, at least twice that I can remember. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil, knowing theres so many inconsiderate people around.
PSA if you ever are in an uber, make sure to shut the door when you get out of the car. People (95% of the time girls) will get out of my car and just leave their door wide open. So to all those scumbags, shut the fucking door when you get out of my car!
I don't know what is with these people?
Is it a drunk thing?
I don't know if I can take that as a solid excuse because in all my years of being a drunk ass hole I've at least had to decency to shut doors when I get out of the car.
Is it just a stupid entitled brat thing?
I think we've all seen how shitty millennials can be, especially college aged ones. Were they too busy protesting shit they know nothing about to not learn about common courtesy?
When you get out of car you're supposed so shut the door, plain and simple. You got an uber sweetheart, not a limo. Spend a little more cash if that's what you're expecting.
I don't understand how someone could get out of a car and not have the wherewithal to have common sense and shut the door when they get out.
Half Hour Ride In Complete Silence
At around 10:15 am I have a request to pick up someone in Middletown. I figured it was just more people wanting to go to the parade/bar scene, since that made up 95% of my rides Saturday.
It was not.
No instead when I got to the destination I was alarmed to see an at least 500 pound black lady wearing no green standing outside waiting for me. Figured out pretty quickly she wasn't going to Thames St. Instead, I was being taken off track to North Kingstown. Normally that would piss me off, but while uber was surging I didn't care. I'll take you as for as you wanna go when my profits are multiplying.
I was shocked to see someone waiting outside for me. While I appreciate this lady being ready to go instead of the usual ass holes that make me wait 10 minutes, this was a savage move. Who waits outside in 15 degree weather for an uber? It literally blows my mind. The cold was the biggest reason why I ultimately opted not to go to the parade to drink. The word savage gets tossed around a little too freely nowadays, but that is truly savage to wait outside in 15 degree weather when you don't have to.
Also I don't need to hear it from people about me mentioned how big this lady was. She was YUUGE and it's important detail for the story. Plus I'm allowed to talk shit about fat people since I am one, similarly to have black people are allowed to use the n word. You can say whatever you want about your own kind. I don't make up the rules I just live by them.
So she gets in and I give my little "do you need a iPhone charger, water or care what the radio station is?" speech. After that it's all up to them. Normally my big rule of thumb when Ubering is that I let the rider decide if we're gonna talk or not. I really couldn't care either way, but for longer rides like this it's usually better to have some sort of dialogue going.
Well this lady didn't even think that, or even answer any of those questions. Nope, not a word from her except thanks at the end of the ride. Just a half hour of silence while I listened to Tame Impala's Currents for the 40th time. (She didn't answer about music) It was so uncomfortable, just two interracial fatties in complete silence listening to psychedelic rock. What an image.
It was very odd but I felt like I had to keep it going. While 15 minutes of silence was uncomfortable, you kinda have to just keep it going, we both had already committed to not talking.
Plus know what's even more uncomfortable?
Acknowledging the situation about how weird sitting in complete silence for a half hour is.
I just powered through and tried to get this lady to here destination as soon as possible. I felt so uncomfortable the entire time, but every second we didn't speak, it was just another second closer to her getting out of my car.
Still don't understand why she was waiting outside in 15 degree weather, and I'll never know. Maybe I should've said something...
History Buff Totally Shows Me Up
I picked up these people from the hotel across from Newport Grand at 9:29 AM.
It's 3 guys and a girl who all went to Salve and are back in town for the parade. After I give my textbook "charger, radio, water" speech they keep on talking as drunken people tend to do. I tried to bow out and just let them talk to each other.
This is where
The girl in the back was talking about how she's a teacher and by instinct I was like "oh that's cool I teach too". Which is half true since I'm a substitute teacher.
I did not think this entirely through, because by doing that I opened up the enviable next question from someone when you tell them you teach which is of course "what do you teach?"
I then backed off and with my tail between my legs had to be like "well I'm just a sub". Sure, I could lie and say I'm a history teacher or something else, but I really don't like lying, even to strangers who are gonna be in my car for 12 minutes.
When I lie I like to make it count by doing it to people I care about.
So I tell them I'm just a sub, but I'm certified in history (which is true). This is where the guy in the front seat thinks my uber just turned into cash cab and he's Ben Bailey. The dude just starts peppering me with history questions.
First he goes what do you think about the IRA?
I go bro I straight up don't know what that is. I actually do know it's the Irish Republican Army, but after that my knowledge on the topic basically ends (although I have seen Peaky Blinders) So in order to avoid sounding like a complete idiot I just said I didn't know. I don't know what would've been better.
Then he goes how about the Spanish Armada? Which was random AF. At least I get the IRA question during the St. Patrick's Day Parade but like dude why are you doing this to me right now? Again, it's like 9:30 on a Saturday morning. I really don't want to talk history right now. He starts asking me what I think about that? I had nothing to tell him. I felt like a complete idiot.
Asking me out of the blue about history is like asking a comedian on the street to tell you a joke. It's not the right setting. It's an uneasy, uncomfortable situation. Except ideally a comedian is usually funny. I honestly don't know shit about history. I have the few random things I'm in to, but for the most part when I'm teaching I just look up everything the night before.
I was getting so mad, like it's the St Patrick's Day Parade bro, and I'm a fucking loser uber driver, why don't you worry a little more about drinking and a little less about making the uber driver look like an idiot? I hope that guy got arrested Saturday.
Near Break Up
I have given hundreds of uber rides in my day, but none quiet like this.
It first started by me picking up a (at the time) couple from an apartment near O'Briens. After waiting for a few minutes, combined with a long day of ubering I had to use the bathroom. I had been thinking about stopping for about an hour, but given how much of a shit show Newport was at the time I didn't really know what to do. I didn't want to piss outside and risk a ticket.
Luckily when I parked I saw some porter potties in the Bank of America parking lot right by the apartment. So after an internal discussion, I made an executive decision to make a break for it and go pee before I pissed my pants. I took the keys out of my car, turned on my flashers and ran to the potter john.
After I finished peeing I ran back to my jeep and saw the people getting into my car. Talk about horrible timing. I thought this was very strange since I was not in my car. Like you're just going to go into a strange car with no driver? Did these people not have parents growing up? I tried to make light of the situation but they were not having it as the fighting between these two must've already started inside.
I do my speech, they say the radio is fine and I'm on my way to their destination in Middletown.
The first thing this girl says is "I'm not going to take a backseat to your sister" so right away I knew I was in for some juicy shit between these two. You never hear "I'm not going to take a backseat to your sister" and have a regular conversation take place afterwards. Shit was about to go down.
I was already buckled in my car, but had I not been, I would've strapped in metaphorically for the ride these two were going to take me on.
They were whisper fighting and also spent a lot time not talking so it was hard to get all the details but I did make out these exchanges during our time together:
Her: "Oh I'm not funny? Less than 24 hours ago you were laughing up a storm at everything I said."
Him: Blank stare out the window
Her: "You need to stop drinking so much" (you can't say that on Parade Day even if it's true IMO)
Him: Blank stare at me
Him: "Can you just stop?"
Her: "No I'm not going to stop, we both know where this is going"
Her: "This just isn't working, I think we both know that"
Him: "Babe how can you say that?"
I don't know exactly why they're breaking up but from the looks of it this guy was lucky. That lady was the worst and anybody would says "I'm not gonna take a back seat to your sister" can come back next Tuesday if you catch my drift. What a messed up thing to say.
I honestly am pissed at these people. Not for putting me in the incredibly uncomfortable situation of driving them around during the midsts of a break up, but for doing it in the rudest way possible.
If you're gonna have this fight in an uber you need to go all in. No pussyfooting around trying to stay discreet when you said "I'm not going to take a backseat to your sister" pretty loudly within the first two minutes of the ride. You need to think about the driver in this situation. Maybe they have a blog they're trying to get off the ground and want you use you for content, but instead you gave me like 2.5 lines and some awkward silence. That ain't cutting it. That isn't gonna get me out of my dad's basement and into Brooklyn writing for Barstool. If you're gonna break up with your boyfriend in MY car at least let me get something out of it!
How fucking dare you be so selfish? You basically gave me the blogging version of just the tip. You can't give me a little bit and then take it away. I'd rather have nothing from the jump. To get in this fight and then not let me at least know how it ends and give my readers a little more insight is criminal.
Luckily as an Uber driver I do have the address they ended up at, soooooooo if anybody wants to knock on some doors and get some answers I'm game.
That pretty much wraps up this volume of the Uber Chronicles. I feel bad they kind of suck but I spent time writing it, I'd rather post it then just eat another blog. Thanks for reading guys.