As you may know, the Big Fundamental called it a career last month. Unlike Kobe, Jeter or David Ortiz he just quietly announced his retirement after his final season. No big tour, no gifts, no coverage really. Just walked into the sunset after a solid 19th season where the Spurs won like 65 games.
Well now it appears Timmy D may need to find something to do to fill his time now that he is not blocking and "altering" opponent shots. Yes apparently the 5 time NBA champion may but looking for a new job now that he's updated his resume. This part of his LinkedIn page went semi-viral yesterday. Let's take a look.
Just so perfect, I don't even know where to begin. Can't say I rebounded.... let's say I grabbed AND secured rebounds, on not just the offensive end, but defensive as well. You know like how we all write our resumes?
What I love about this is it just shows it doesn't matter who you are, you can be a future HOF power forward or a 24 year old part time pizza man, we all use ridiculous language on resumes to make our accomplishments, or past job requirements look more impressive than they actually are.
On my resume it says I "engaged in complex discussions of lesson planning with fellow teachers" when in reality I just sat there and listened to the real teachers gossip about what kids they thought were gay. (that's what they call "a joke" in the biz, they weren't gossiping about who may be gay, they were gossiping about who is pregnant)
It just makes me feel better about myself to see that EVERYBODY, regardless of their field is doing the same thing. Resumes are a joke. It's all fabrications of our accomplishments, where we use words that you literally only use in a resume. Instead of just saying I set picks for 19 years, Timmy says one of the responsibilities he had was "screening and rolling from all relevant directions. Well thank God he cleared that up, wouldn't wanna be setting screens from irrelevant directions.
"Spearheading late game scoring comebacks." Am I an idiot for not even knowing what spearheading means? I know I don't have the best vocabulary but there is no way normal people use that in everyday life. I'd bet my life Tim Duncan opened up the thesaurus to find that one. Had to make this perfect and find the perfect word. And yes I truly mean opened up, Tim Duncan is the kind of guy that 100% still uses the book form of dictionaries, encyclopedias and thesauruses. No chance Timmy is a wikipedia guy.
I love the (and excelled) after saying he played for the Spurs for 19 seasons too. You averaged 19 and 11 and won 5 fucking championships. Talk about your classic undersell. It's like when someone who graduated from Harvard doesn't wanna say they went to Harvard to sound pretentious, instead they'll just say I went to school "up north" or "outside Boston" when in reality it makes you sound like a bigger douche. Timmy doesn't come off that way because you can tell it's genuine AF. But Timmy, it's okay, you don't have to sell yourself short. Yes you were boring....I mean fundamentally sound on the basketball court, but you saying you played (and excelled) at basketball is like saying the sun is (sort of) hot.
Whatever Tim Duncan does next, just know he can provide references upon request. Would love to see some manager at a sporting goods store call up Greg Popovic to talk about Tim Duncan's work ethic and "Socratic" locker room dialogue.
P.S. I hate that on my mac it didn't auto correct to "résumé" I had to find that on google and copy and paste it. Sure I could go in correct every occurrence of resume to résumé but then I wouldn't have the P.S.
Double P.S. You can totally tell when I started typing again after the copy and paste because the font is way different now. I think I'll keep it.