I’m a big “personal relationship with God” guy, over organized religion guy. Sure, I am more intellectually advanced than most; I realize that in the event there actually is a God, I don’t need a middle-man diddler, hiding behind a cage judging me, picking an arbitrary number of Hail Marys out of an 11 year old’s back pocket to “absolve me”.
Not everybody is so lucky.
Every year millions of basic bitches give up things like chocolate, fast food or booze for Lent.
My 3rd biggest complaint with the Catholics is their lack of creativity. Variety is the spice of life and Catholics have been giving up the same, like 18 things for centuries. (Giving up Hulu in 2020 is the same thing as giving up radio in 1925)
Growing up in New England, it’s a v Catholic area. I was exposed to this corporation at a young age. I have some legit knowledge on the topic; despite the tone of this satirical blog. My dad’s side of the family is aggressively Catholic, as are some of my friends. I was baptized. So for years I have heard people talking about all the revenue generators for the Church they had to do after school. As we’ve gotten older it has shifted to basically just Lent and going to Church the big three nights of the year.
Despite my many qualms with the Catholic Church, I respect people’s right to believe what they want (almost always). I am not here to divide, I am here to help! Do you really wanna be like every other jerk-off giving up bacon or do you wanna do something unique for once in your lame ass life?
You can give up pizza for the 4th year in a row or you can switch it up and actually try to improve as a human-being. Here’s the 2020 DOL Top 10 Outside the Box Lent Sacrifices (in no particular order)
If you’ve been on an online dating application in the last seven years you’ve likely been on both sides at least once.
You start talking to someone for a few days, sometimes even weeks. You’ve exchanged snaps and might’ve even seen some titty, but have not met IRL yet.
You start to get that combination of excitement and anxiety as you learn about each other. Wow you’re both fans of the office, pizza and wanting to die. What are the odds?! The probability of falling into some box/dick in the near future is elevated 😎
Then out of the blue, you can’t get a reply. For some reason interest has been lost; more than likely this person has matched with someone more appealing. For years we have just left people wondering what they did wrong?
My solution is to abolish ghosting. At least for a 40 day trial period. Communication is key for success in all avenues of life. That includes uncomfortable conversations. Taking two seconds to message your match that you’ve lost interest because you matched with someone hotter or ex DM’d you back is the ultimate sign of maturity.
Playing “The Box” by Roddy Ricch
Higio Montoya wanted to kill the six fingered man less than I want this song to die.
“Really, Doz? You just said these were going to be outside the box” 🙄
Hear me out. I’m not a monster. I’m not trying to ruin sleep routines here. I get it.
I’m not saying stop streaming all together. That’s insane. I wouldn’t say give up pooping for Lent. I’m talking full on 5+ episode binges. (3 is NOT a binge wtf)
You can take 40 days off from 6 hour couch sessions/switch between Hulu, Prime, Disney+, HBO and AppleTV to loophole tf out of this.
Just try to keep it to under 160 minutes per binge; go plant a tree or something.
Talking Under Your Breath
This is something a lot of us do; myself included. I personally use it as a buffer to say something without really saying something it due to a lack of confidence! Sounds off why you do it in the comments!
Use Lent to stop being such a little bitch and say that shit w/ yaaa chest! Tell that coworker they fucking suck, let your significant other know that outfit does make them look fat. Don’t hide behind mumbling under your breath passive aggressively for the next 40 days.
Saying It’s Okay to Be Fat
Accepting obese people for being them is not the fucking same as accepting alphabet people for being them. I’m not saying it’s okay to be a douche bag and slap food out of fatty’s hands, but this whole “be you, self love” stuff has gone too far IMO.
Look, I’m fat. I know how much it sucks. I’m always uncomfortable, my dick barely works and more than two flights of stairs is out of the question entirely. I’ve struggled with weight nearly my entire life. The fact that Adele faced backlash for losing weight is asinine. Over the course of DOL I’ve ranged from from 376 to 256 to 336 to 266 to 296 etc. I should move to Toronto.
I’ve tried everything to get this under control, but at the end of the day I love food and hate exercising. Ipso facto, I’m the owner of a one (1) hanging gut.
Yes, I have a lot to offer both emotionally and physically (Above average intellect, A+ flow, etc.) but being this heavy is not appealing to most women. I can’t say I blame them because I don’t wanna be lifting and separating a fupa during cunnilingus in attempts to finally find the elusive clitoris.
Be nice to fat people and treat them like people, but do not encourage or accept obesity as okay. It’s not. Try to help! Go for jogs with your fat friends during these 40 days.
Shopping on Amazon
Believe me, I’ve had prime since 2011. I understand how incredible it is to order a trinket for $5.96 and get it in like 43 hours.
I’m not going to act like I know the entire ins and outs of the business (or any business), but the fact these mother fuckers pay ZERO taxes and contribute millions of pounds of waste in their packaging a year rubs me the wrong way. Not enough to cancel my subscription and go back to stores full time, but for 40 days it wouldn’t kill you to stimulate the local economy.
Being Racist/Homophobic/overall shitty
I hate things for no reason all the time. I say I hate foods that I assume I wouldn’t like, but have actually never tried. I realize how stupid that is but I’m going to continue to do it. Me “hating” Mussels is simply an educated guess.
As I’ve matured I’ve stopped doing this with some things, like music or tv shows, but still have room for improvement.
Generalizing is easy and fun. It can also be dangerous. If you hate people for something they cannot control, use Lent to try and make a friend that doesn’t look or think like you. Might I suggest the Daryl David episode of Rogan? That shit legit made me cry it was so powerful.
P.s. This doesn’t mean “racist” or “homophobic” jokes should be written off entirely. True equality is everybody being fair game for laughs. Just because you find something funny doesn’t mean you don’t support equality. (To be continued)
Not Washing Your Hands After Every Bathroom Use
They say cleanliness is next to Godliness and there’s a 0.00% chance you’ve washed your hands after 100% of your bathroom trips the last 40 days. Even if you’re a male who pees sitting down for both the comfort and convenience, and doesn’t touch their peen throughout the entire process; you still should be washing your hands.
Fishing For Likes
Much like the last election, the tragic death of Kobe and GiGi Bryant, among with 7 other souls broke some brains.
How could this happen? Why? All completely valid questions. I was legitimately shook up for days after the crash. Like millions of other people it still breaks my heart thinking about it.
Unfortunately, this tragedy has turned into a pissing contest for clout at times on social media. People are trying to almost brag about how sad they are. Like why the fuck does David Cox (URI basketball coach) need to photoshop URI uniforms on two dead people with zero affiliation to the university?? I‘ll hang up and listen.
In a way all of social media is fishing for likes, but there are levels to this shit. Thirst trapping and exploiting a tragedy for clout are not the same.
Stealing shine for likes is ass too.
Ruining People’s Lives Because You Disagree With Their Sense of Humor
I personally think guys like Brian Reagan and Jeff Dunham are hacks. Obviously they have huge followings and fans that support them. We live in a free country (allegedly), people have that right to consume that content.
If someone enjoys dark, edgy, boundary pushing comedy they should be allow to consume that without having their character assassinated.
Are all people who like true crime serial killers?
Just because someone can find the humor in “racist” or “homophobic” jokes doesn’t make them a bad person. Also just because a joke addresses race or sexuality doesn’t automatically make it x-ist or x-phobic. We need nuance. I 100% agree some words should not be used anymore, but again it’s comedy. Lighten the fuck up.
Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it shouldn’t exist.
There’s a chance this blog could get me in trouble. I made some jokes that certainly will offend, but tough shit. They’re JOKES. Enjoy your 40 days without cheese, Happy Lent.