Top 5 Most Likely Suspects To Steal Brady's Jersey According to His Suspect Board
By now most people know Tom Brady's jersey was stolen sometime after Super Bowl LI. It's supposedly worth 500K. Not a bad payday, only problem is that if you try to sell it you're probaaaaably going to get arrested for theft. Talk about your classic tough spot.
Well today Tommy showed us he's been doing some investigating as he's trying to get his jersey back. When it comes to Brady's social media game I feel like a kid that knows Santa isn't real (spoiler alert) but still wants to believe. Like I really, reaaaaaally want to believe he's the one behind it, but I know my man has a team doing most of the work.
Regardless of who's behind his Facebook & instagram as a blogger and more importantly as a huge supporter of all things Tom Brady the least I could do is try to help narrow down the suspects.
I give you the Top 5 most likely culprits (according the evidence Brady gave us)
Least Likely: Jaws (Honorable Mention)
I really don't want to start off by getting into semantics, but I mean the odds of Jaws being the perp seem very unlikely. I haven't seen any of the movies but I'm going to assume Jaws doesn't get killed in any of them.
Let's say Jaws was 10 years old in 1975 when the world was introduced to him. That would mean he's 52 years old today. Although according to my research (google) Great White Sharks can live up to 70 years. (Thought it would be way less than that, my original guess was 30) Even if Jaws WAS still alive I feel like he'd be a little too old to be stealing jerseys. Jaws is like an old killer in prison who's days of crime are way behind him. At 52 in shark years you're too busy teaching your grandkids about how to eat surfers and not get caught by Chinese fishermen.
If it was who stole Terry Bradshaw's or Roger Staubach's Super Bowl jersey then maybe Jaws would truly be in the running. But between his advanced age, and the unlikely hood of being able to sneak into a locker room without getting noticed since he's a fucking shark seems unlikely. Hard to believe that Jaws did it.
Honorable Mention: Lady Gaga
It's no secret the NFL treats the Super Bowl halftime performers poorly. They've tried to get performers TO PAY to perform at the Super Bowl because of the exposer if gives. I think Gaga could be trying to get back at the NFL for probably underpaying her to perform. I've been very vocal in my rediscovered love for Gaga but she's a fucking weirdo and a wild card.
She went from singing about taking rides on disco sticks to doing shows with Tony Bennett. You never know what you're gonna get with Gaga, and that adds to her sexiness. I could totally see Lady Gaga being a closet clepto a la Winona Ryder. I don't think Gaga did it but it wouldn't shock me. I could totally see her trying to do it just to do it. Nothing Lady Gaga could ever do would shock me.
#5 O'Doyle Family
I'm preeeetty sure the entire family died in a fire-y inferno in Billy Madison, but if they did survive the wreckage they are probably pretty fucked up. I'd imagine a lot of broken bones and burns. Medical bills are expensive. What better way to pay them then to wait twenty years and steal a jersey? They clearly have means to commit the crime since they have a history of theft. Said medical expenses could be the motive, but it's tough to believe those ass holes could ever afford to get into the Super Bowl in the first place.
Since they're probably dead, I can't put them higher than #5.
#4 Crab People
You'd be an absolute fool to rule out the Crab People. They're the fucking Crab People. What more do I need to say? You can't sleep on them. Plus they can take the form of anybody, making it very easy to sneak in and steal a jersey then never be seen again.
They probably put on the Brady jersey and then turned into him and walked right out of the locker room. Talk about the perfect crime.
#3 Julian Edelman
I feel like people forget that Edelman has been on the Patriots since 2009 since it took until 2013 for him to become a full time WR in their offense, but he's been underpaid and under appreciated for a very long time. He's played 8 seasons in the NFL.
Also as much as I love him, Edelman is low key not a great guy. He got in trouble in 2011 for grabbing a chick's box at a club before Trump said it was cool. He's had his trouble with the law, (charges were dropped) it wouldn't shock me to find out he was the one who stole the jersey. (Means)
Jules isn't starving, but he also is not nearly as rich as you would expect. 500K to Julian Edelman is still a ton of fucking money. There's your motive. Given how close Tom and Julian are he totally could've been around him in the locker room postgame so theres your opportunity. Little 11th grade forensics vocab for ya!
#2 Prison Mike
Past Criminal Record: Check (stole, robbed AND kidnapped the President's son)
Unlike the rest of the suspects, Prison Mike has actually gone to Prison so you know he could strike again. We know prison was awful, between the gruel sandwiches, gruel sandwiches and hair eating. Now that Prison Mike is apparently free he's gotta be able to survive and not go back. You really think a guy who kidnapped the President's son is worried about getting caught stealing Tom Brady's jersey? It's like a serial killer being worried about jay walking.
This is a man who's seen it all. Never been caught (ever though he went to prison). He'll do whatever he has to to survive. Don't drop the soap. Very high chance that Prison Mike stole Brady's jersey.
#1 Creepy Brady
I don't believe any of the accusations against Tom Brady. I think people want to assassinate his character because he's so perfect and is such a great winner and overall American.
Maybe I've been blinded by the Super Bowl rings and his stunning good looks.
Maybe Brady is the bad guy people have been trying to say he is?
While I don't believe Brady would ever create an elaborate plan to get sympathy after all he's gone through the last year, I'm also not putting it past him. My man did leave his pregnant girlfriend and deny me an autograph when I asked politely as an 11 year old. His exact response was "no thanks" when I asked if he'd sign my jersey when he was feet away from at training camp...
It'd be an absolutely great villain move by Brady to stage the whole thing, part of me almost wants that to be what happened. Imagine that?
So that's who I think is most likely to have stolen the jersey given the evidence. Who do you think did it?
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