It's true, after not even 90 days away in Tennessee I am already back in Rhode Island. Like the carpetbaggers before me, I headed south with hopes of exploiting it for my own personal gain. Instead I am back in Rhody before Halloween. Things obviously did not go as planned; but that's life. Unexpected shit happens all the time. It's not like I left thinking, I'm gonna be back before the World Series starts. Nobody wakes up in the morning and is like "I'm gonna get in a car accident today" but unfortunately shit like that happen everyday.
Nobody wants to experience failure, either.
Failure is interesting in the sense that it can be interpreted in many ways depending who you ask. To some kids a report card full of B's means they're grounded for a month, in another household that may me cause for a celebration. Thomas Edison once said (according to National Treasure) that when asked about his "failures" in making a light bulb, that he didn't fail, he found 2000 ways not to make a light bulb. I've been teetering back and forth with that same topic: failure. In ways I do feel like a failure and it makes me sad. Mainly because I just wanted this job to work out to make my parents happy, and so I could start being a real adult making okay money. I feel like I let them, and the people who believed in me down. But believe me, even though I hated it there at this school/hellhole and wanted to quit pretty much from day one, I didn't want to have to quit, it just got to the point mentality and emotionally that something had to give. I really wish it could've worked out, I think Nashville is a wicked fun city and would've love to have gotten to experience it more, but there was just no way I could have stayed.
I know there will be people who are like "you should've just toughed it out, you pussy!" but they never spent a day at GMMP so they honestly can kick rocks. At the same time, while the job didn't work out, I don't consider the experience as a whole a failure. I met some incredible people while in Tennessee, gained a lot of knowledge and learned many lessons that I wouldn't have had I not tried life down there. At least I had the balls to try, a lot of people I know have never left RI. It's like when Belichick went for it on 4th and 2 against the Colts.
While I was gone for such a short amount of time you may have not have even noticed I was gone, I was. There's leftovers that have been left in fridges longer than I lasted in Tennessee.
Simply put why I'm back: The school I was teaching at was a living hell. I cannot stress that enough. I started two weeks into the year because it's such a rough-school that they couldn't get the position filled. I honestly believe I only got the job because I have the necessary degrees and am alive. Turnover there was v high. There was a teacher last year who quit after 1 day, and another teacher put in her two week notice the day before I did. So I wasn't exactly the first person who couldn't handle that place.
The school had a 1/10 rating online, and I think it got that one because there was no zero option. Getting subs there was next to impossible because of that, they simply don't want to go there. For subs it's just not worth it with the shit you have to deal with. There were days when a fellow 8th grade teacher didn't have a sub so they'd just divide there classes and throw them into the other three classes, so instead of having 22 kids running wild in your classroom, you'd have 30.
From the jump I felt waaaaaaaay behind the 8-ball. The administration didn't really do anything to help me get acclimated as a new teacher. My classroom didn't have desks, half the lights didn't work. I had to request to get a copy of the textbook multiple times. You'd think they'd be like here this is what you'll need to teach, but that never happened. They didn't tell me the curriculum either, so I had no idea wtf I was supposed to be doing for the first two weeks. That aspect of teaching is kind of important. It's hard to teach when you don't know what you're supposed to be teaching.
I will say the other teachers in the building were quite helpful, but that's just because they knew how things worked at GMMP. Little things like having to pay for your own copies, or having kids threaten to "end you", stuff like that.
While I could give the entire sob-story, I'm not going to do that, what I will say about this experience is that it taught me a ton about myself, what really matters in life and how to be a better person. One of my biggest takeaways is to be a lot less judgmental. In the past I've been so quick to judge others. Part of if it is from living in a small-ass town where that's basically all there is to do, and part is just from me being an ass-hole. I'm doing my best to fix the latter. For example, I knew people and had friends that went away to different colleges for a semester, or 9 days, then came home, so of course that becomes a topic of discussions. "Did you hear X is already back from Y?" Shit like that. I was one of the biggest haters around. But now I get how fucking hard it is to drop everything you've ever known and start somewhere new. Until you truly know what a person was going through you really have no right to say shit about it. I'm sure people will judge me for resigning 7 weeks in, that people will call me names for letting the a bunch of 8th grade punks get the best of me, but I don't care. If you're a person worth having in my life you'll take the time to understand where I'm coming from.
As for being back in Rhode Island, it's not what I anticipated, but it's where I am now and am going to try to make the best of it. I wish my friends were more excited about me being back but whatever, you get older and people have their own lives, I get that, just feels good to be wanted I guess. I'm gonna try to write more, although I've gotten discouraged lately from lack of readers, and feeling like it's a hopeless dream. I do love blogging and when I'm at my best know I'm good enough to make it, it just seems like such an uphill battle. I just want to have a decent job and live a normal life. I'm gonna be 26 and feel like such a piece of shit with where I am currently in life. I know it could be a hell of a lot worse, but given what I expect out of myself I'm not happy. I wish I could go back and do a bunch of things differently, but that's impossible so I just gotta make the best of now. I guess that's it for this blog, yes I'm back, and while my mom has done incredible things to get me a part time job with benefits since I'm turning 26 in less than two months it's not enough... Soooooo if anybody has any leads for placing hiring soon or can help me get a full time job that hires soon to be 26 year-olds with two degrees and 7 weeks of teaching experience do not hesitate to come my way!
Seriously, I'll do pretty much anything as long as it's full time w/ bennies and a livable wage.