Our air isn't just full of COVID droplets, there's also plenty of uncertainty floating around! As we all know, yesterday was a crazy day for millions of Americans. There was simply a lot at stake. Nobody knew what to expect; many still don't.
Luckily, the NFL Trade Deadline has come and gone; we can all start moving on with our lives.
Deadline day was super hectic for ya boiii. Like Johnny Cash, I was everywhere, man. It felt like I was ub**ing again with how much time I spent behind the wheel, but it was nice to use my day off from trying-to-not-catch-Covid-in-a-building-built-during-the-Great-Depression to get some errands done.
First, I exercised (my civic duty) and celebrated doing so in the most American way possible.
Since I'm not Don Draper, it was only one drink for me before I operated a motor vehicle back to my place of residence. After grabbing a healthy lunch at Burger King, I dropped my roommate off back at our spot so he could go back to work; hashtag good guy. During our ride back home, I noticed that my gas tank was particularly low. So low in fact, that a light came on to tell me that if I did not address the issue my car would lose its ability to travel.
(Before I go any further I should mention that I lost my wallet on October 25th)
Since I've been slowly, but surely reacquiring items that were lost when I (likely) left my wallet on top of the roof of my car and drove away, I figured NFL Trade Deadline Day would be a great day to replace my BJ membership card and fill up my tank.
Ever since I got a BJ's membership this summer specifically to save money on tires, the TV section has been calling out my name like I'm The fuckn Weeknd. I knew it was only a matter of time before I gave into the temptation and upgraded my TV game to something a little more 2020 as opposed to my refurbished 39 inch Insignia that I got for like $189 at Best Buy two and a half years ago that doesn't even have capability for the AppleTV app.
So I've been to BJ's at least five times the last two months since I moved into my new spot. Every time I'm inside that place I've been about to pull the trigger and cop a new TV. Then I would pussy out and end up getting a 24 pack of socks or a box of 40 Fiber One Brownies so I don't look like a crazy person going into BJ's during a Pandemic to not make a purchase*.
On November 3rd, I made the executive decision that enough was enough. It was finally time to treat myself. The #TooManyLegs Teaser is 4-3, I deserve it. Now is time where I refer to myself in the third person: It was time for Ole Dozo to get a TV that he can see over his ever-growing depression belly to watch 38 minutes of old NFL Films on YouTube before passing out every night.
Now that I've got exactly what I've had my eyes on for months hanging out of my cart (foreshadowing) I feel as if I'm about to conquer the world like a Portuguese Conquistador. I do a quick lap around the store to assert my dominance since I was about to spend a whole $400 on 55 inches of joy. I couldn't wait to get home to set it up in my bedroom and watch NFL Trade Deadline coverage all night; definitely not to see if I can link up onlyfans with the screen mirroring capability advertised on the box.
After spending $403.75 without blinking an eye because of all the hours I spent driving drunk people across Aquidneck Island this summer, I contemplated going to the bathroom, but I didn't wanna bring the TV in with me. I figure I can just hold it until I get home. That was mistake #1.
After the girl working the door checked my receipt for one 55 inch Smart TV, I rolled my new baby out to my car, only to come face to face with the harsh reality that this TV does not fit in my car and never will. Welcome to mistake #2.
I felt like such a moron. I've heard measure twice, cut once my whole life, but in the weeks of deliberation, not once did I account for what my car can or cannot hold. How could I think I'm so smart, yet be so stupid? After years of squeezing people in my back seat I forgot basic logic, that TVs are not as soft and flexible as human flesh. All I was thinking about was potential apps I'd download and whether or not I could go bigger than a double-nickel in my bedroom. I completely forgot to factor in whether or not the TV would fit in a 2007 Pontiac Grand Prix. To add insult to injury, I actually measured my dresser to make sure the TV would fit... But when it came to making the purchase I just said "fuck it, I'm getting this TV today" without thinking about the ramifications of such a sick semi-impulse purchase.
Now I'm trying to get a TV to fit in my back seat and I cannot get the door to close; it's catching on the bottom of the door. I try the trunk, but the TV sticks out even more than in the back seat. I then think "ayy maybe if I move the passenger seat up I'll be able to fit it in at an angle and be on my way". That didn't work either.
At this point I'm out of options with my own car, so I called up my grandma to see if she's free so I can fit it in her much larger car. She happily obliged, but was about 35 minutes away from me and that's not factoring in her getting lost on the way. At this point it's a waiting game and I'm caught in a real pickle here. I could sit in the drivers seat with the TV outside of my car, but what if a bandit came and snatched it up? Even if I had the window down (which would defeat the purpose of going in my car to stay warm) and my left arm draped over it, at that angle it would be no match for a thief. They'd be 200 feet away before my fat ass waddled out of the car. At this point I decided it would be best to remain outside of my car protecting my newest asset. Because I'm in the #content game I figured I could turn this situation into a positive.
Dozo's AMA recap:
Fast forward to my g-ma showing up an hour later. I load the TV up in her back seat, but I still have to get gas, which of course was the main reason I went to BJ's in the first place. After offering to fill up my Grandma's tank for helping me out (hashtag good guy) it was time to go back home.
The moral of the story is this; if you're going to semi-impulse buy something, make sure it fits in whatever apparatus brought you to said location and always put your drug paraphernalia before you leave the house because you never know when you're Grandma is going to make impromptu visit after doing you a massive favor.
Because of that, I'll never forget what happened on November 3rd, 2020.
*I have only bought something once during the five previous trips to BJ's where I didn't pull the trigger on buying the TV; two memory foam pillows for $30 which was a great deal.