I turn 32 next month, and my younger sister just had her first kid (s/o Ro) about two months ago, so the external pressure to reproduce is a tad elevated. It's not that I wouldn't love to have children someday; I'm just much more worried about simply getting some and our country not becoming a fascist theocracy.

Also, I'm nowhere close to ready for fatherhood. Despite my size, I'm internally like 26. I had an ubah passenger during Halloweekend that thought I was in college. Maybe if I met a smart, silly, sexy pop-punk princess in herlate 20s/early 30s that can afford raising a kid, then sure, I'd be down for tryna make a lil Dozo, but until then, I'm focusing on saving the world one Instagram story at a time.

Besides, I recently discovered some information about newborn babies, and it's one of the most mind-blowing things I've ever heard. I cannot wrap my head around it. I don't know how I went nearly 32 years without learning this information. Okay, here it goes. Did you know newborn babies can't drink fucking water? Yes, WATER…you know…that one thing necessary to sustain all life. Yeah, these sleepy poop machines can't even have a lil bit of Poland Springs without "dying" until they're like six months old. Unreal. But zygotes are people. Gottttt it! No cap you're not viable until you can drink water without there being a serious risk of it KILLING YOU.

I'm no scientist, but I guess I can grasp the whole "their bodies simply aren't developed enough to handle water" thing, but that just still seems so fucking stupid. Can these newborns be any more helpless? Is this why the infant mortality rate until, let's call it 1920, was like 48%?? How can you be alive and not be able to drink water????? I've taken multiple sips of water in the time it's taken me to write these three paragraphs, and honestly, I could use another one. Of course, I am not the ideal human specimen to use as an example for leading a healthy lifestyle, but it's kind of wild to think I've had enough water in the past five minutes to kill multiple babies.

I'd like to assume this information is common knowledge for parents and caretakers of infants, but I've met an alarmingly high number of Americans who thought Rhode Island was part of New York so you can't be too sure. It's astonishing how uninformed the general population is. There are plenty of stupid people with children. Just look at any school board meeting in a red state. Moms for Liberty, more like Qunts for Fascism. 

If you're like me and were curious as to why water is as dangerous around a baby as Casey Anthony, apparently, it has to do with regulating sodium levels. 

Source: Hackensack Meridian Health

• Water would fill them up. Babies have tiny stomachs, so everything that they consume needs to be nourishing. Water would fill their stomach without calories or nutrients, crowding out essential nutrition.
• Babies may be at risk of water intoxication. When young babies drink water, it dilutes the levels of sodium in their blood. This dip in sodium may cause drowsiness, confusion or seizures.
• Babies already get enough water. They don't drink plain water, but breast milk and baby formula are mostly water. These beverages contain the nutrients that growing babies need to develop properly.

I hope this doesn't turn out to be some blog where all of my loyal readers are like…really Dozie? You didn't know this? 

I mean, why would I? I don't have any kids and am a water ambassador. I love water. I literally cannot live without it. I've known about the "soft spot" and not to shake the baby since I was like eight years old after one of my cousins was born. How did I know that and hold onto it ever since, but not know that babies can't drink water? I cannot emphasize enough how irrationally upset this makes me. Babies being unable to drink water is about as much of a mind-fuck as the sun being 93 MILLION miles away but too much exposure to it can kill you. Unless you use a lot of this cream. Like wtf, dude?

As blown-away I am by the fact, I'm just as shocked that I didn't know. Maybe I'm crazy (keep your answer to yourself), but learning this information has *21 Savage voice* really fucked me up. What other essential keys to life do I not know? This ordeal opened up a new stream of self-doubt that I didn't know existed. Is DMB's "Don't Drink The Water" actually a children's song?

I never thought DOL would be passing out baby survival tips, but a lot has changed since I started this publication in 2016.

​I'm super infatuated with this whole babies can't drink water thing, and it caused me to do a little more research. According to the same source that explained why babies don't fuck with h2o, here's how much they can handle once that day when they can finally wet their whistle comes. 

Once your baby is six months old, it's okay for them to have some water. But it's important to limit how much water they drink.
The American Academy of Pediatrics' daily water recommendations are:

• For babies six to 12 months: ½ to 1 cup (4 to 8 ounces)
• For babies 12 to 24 months: 1 to 4 cups (8 to 32 ounces)

These recommendations are for total daily intake, not for intake at one sitting. Start by giving 6-month-old babies 2 ounces of water at a sitting.
It's okay if your baby doesn't drink 2 ounces of water at a time. Some babies prefer a few sips of water here and there throughout the day.

So, today's lesson is simple. If you see a baby under six months old, do not give them any water. Even if they look thirsty. It's essentially the same thing as giving them gasoline. Nothing in life makes sense. Just be nice to people and don't even fuckin' think about giving a four-month old some water.

I'm blogging during my free period with my phone as a mobile hotspot, hoooorayyyy!!! #HireDozo

Also, I fucking love Paramore, this album and Hayley Williams. After Pearl Jam, P-more is right up there atop my bucket list of bands/artists (that actually still together) that I neeeeed to see live before my life ends someday, likely prematurely lol jk pov.

P.S.

Here's my impromptu top 5 bucket list of bands/artists I need to see live.

1. Pearl Jam
2. Paramore
3. St. Vincent
4. Thundercat
5. Olivia Rodrigo (fr lol, i fucking love her)

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Since Elon Twitter is fucking ASS and doesn't fully show long tweets when they're embed...

The 2023 Patriots have been as disappointing as biting into a cookie thinking it's chocolate chip, and it's actually oatmeal raisin, except the oatmeal is terrible line play, awful receivers, and subpar quarterbacking. At least the raisins are little pieces of rat shit!

I knew I was being a homer when I joked about "there being a path to 10 wins" this season (and while that is still technically possible), but I did not see fucking 2-7, the worst point differential in the AFC, and worst of all "un-Patriot-like" football coming. This season has been as enjoyable as a teethy BJ. Yeah, there are moments when you're like, this might turn around and not be that terrible, but then it goes back to being more painful than pleasure-filled.

I've been a harsh critic of Belichick's drafting abilities since the days of Chad Jackson, but it's been far more misses than hits the last few years. Nobody selected in the 2019 draft is currently on the roster. If the Pats are gonna move on, they should do so well before the draft so whoever is in charge at that point can get their own guys. I don't think the Patriots are dumb enough to fuck that up, but they did get a terrible post-breakup haircut when they debuted the hideous blueberries in 2020 (as if that year wasn't bad enough!).

The media is wrong about the Patriots all the time, so this news could be hashtag fake. 

Didn't news recently leak about Belichick getting a massive extension going into the season? Either way, we're a nouveau riche dynastic franchise. The narratives have drastically altered since TB12 spent three years playing pirate in America's genital wart. We cannot afford to fuck this up. We're not the Carolina Panthers. We're the New England Patriots. Does history mean nothing? Fuck, Bill Belichick has been so important for not only the New England Patriots, but Robert Kraft's net worth that if he killed someone (like Ted Kennedy style, not full-fledged murder) he's earned the right to finish the season.
​ 
It's undoubtedly a different era post-Brady, but as long as Bill Belichick is coaching the New England Patriots, there is 6x Super Bowl champion DNA. Believe me, I'm not thrilled with Bill's inability to adapt, but the season is pretty much over, regardless if we lose in Germany or not. Firing Bill Belichick mid-season is just a disrespectful ass move to arguably one of, if not THE greatest coach in NFL history. At the bare minimum, he deserves the right to finish the season.

It's wild to me to fathom the idea of Belichick coaching elsewhere, especially when Shula's all-time win record is in grasp, but as we've seen repeatedly (primarily via his decisions) that, the NFL is a business. Tough decisions get made all the time. Scummy move staaaay happening in the National Football League. We know this! That doesn't make it okay to toss away a 6x Super Bowl champion like day-old sushi.

I am not a big Dov guy; I'm a DOZ guy. This story could be nothing; I don't think Mr. Kraft would push that button. He cares too much about PR. Even though he's growing tired of Bill's schtick...he is owed the right to finish the year out. I just hate the idea of an ugly ending for this reign of NFL royalty. I could be wrong, but if Belichick was willing to lose a Super Bowl to prove a point, I think all bets are off on how scorched earth he'd go if he got the axe-mid year like a fucking Chip Kelly or Urban Meyer. The sentimental part of me hopes this is just a rumor. I don't want to think of a world where Bill has bad blood like T-Swift with the Pats. I'm sure this is a topic I'll revisit, but as a child of divorce, I don't wanna think about this inevitably messy split anymore tonight. 

P.S.

There's no fucking way that Kraft would give the scuzzy ass LOSER Colts the satisfaction of ending Belichick's Patriot career. I'd like to think he respects the game more than that.

Double P.S.

Just because this tweet sunk to the bottom of the internet ocean like most of my thoughts doesn't mean it's not a great NFL history joke!!

Triple P.S.

I didn't even get into the fact that firing Belichick would be an idiotic football move. Regardless if the game is passing him by or not, there are plenty of franchises that would take Belichick in a heartbeat. Firing him would be super dumb if they could get some draft picks. If Sean Payton was worth a 1st and 2nd, Bill should be at least two 1st and a 3rd.

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I'm a sucker for a good ole fashioned comeback story, and while I was shocked to learn this news via my fantasy league group chat (where, in addition to being the defending champion....I currently sit in 1st place at a respectable 7-2...with 7 straight wins. But it's really nbd. Mahomes and AJ Brown are on a bye this week----this incredible run is gonna come up an end soon...but we're getting off track...well, actually, while I have you here...If I had jus...lol jk) that Martavis Bryant is back in the league. 

While never a star, Bryant had an impressive rookie year in 2014, where he amassed 549 yards and 8 touchdowns on just 26 receptions. Talk about a Cliff Branch-ass stat line!

​He followed that up in 2015 with a career-high 50 grabs and 765 yards in just 10 games and, hands down, his career's signature play in that year's Wild Card melee. When I saw his name earlier today, I immediately looked up this clip.

​In case you forgot, there's a reason why Bryant only played in 10 games during the 2015 regular season: he was suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. He missed the entire 2016 reason for the same "offence." 

I gotta just get this out of my system quickly, but it's absolutely r-word-that-we-don't-say-anymore-unless-we're-Chris Broussard-ed that Bryant (and Josh Gordon and many others) lost prime years of their careers (if not the whole thing) because of that oh so terrible WEED, REEFER, POT, STICKY-ICKY, DEVIL'S LETTUCE. It's not even worth the time going into how hypercritical the NFL is. We all know that. It's just a shame the league hates real grass so much that they care more about smoking some than things like, say, sexual assault.

Fuck, now I'm all butthurt thinking about how Josh Gordon missed the playoffs in 2018. I loved his story that season and wish he got to be a piece of that Super Bowl run. I know he got a ring, but it's just not the same and I'm sure he thinks that too.

Who knows what Bryant still has left in the tank? He hasn't played in the NFL since 2018 but has stayed active in Canada and various other leagues. I just love seeing a story like this. I don't know much about this guy, but I'm rooting for him. I mean, I can go down the street and legally buy enough pot pens to wipe out an entire 1800s Wild West saloon town, but this YOUNG man (he's only five days younger than me) couldn't play in the NFL cause he likes to get high? At least you can use Fanduel or Draftkings or Cesaers or 853,000 other services to bet on the NFL.

For the record, I've been doing my best to wipe out an entire 1800s Wild West saloon town today if you catch my drift, so I apologize that I'm a little more roundabout and soap boxy than usual. 

I mean, Martavis Bryant signed with the Dallas Cowboys, so I understand if, on some level, it's impossible to root for him, but if you are like me and at a point in life and football fandom career where you root for storylines more than allegiances or hacky NFLmemes level wisecracks this just a flat out great story. I only know a little more about his suspension and journey back to the NFL (basically anything I included here), but this news jazzed me tf up-- -Jazz Cabbage. That's another fantastic reefer nickname. I genuinely hope he can hang around for a few years and recoup some of that lost stash. 

I'd love to see Martavis called up to the Cowboys' 53-man roster and make a few grabs that set up a Tony Pollard touchdown or three. Then, after all that hard work, let's get Marty his own tuddy. Then, "Redemption Song" starts blaring across the stadium, and we cut to a commercial about the NFL script.

P.S.

Nobody should still be in jail or barred from like,,,,85% of jobs because they smoke a little sweet cheeba. Blah, blah, blah. If you read DOL you likely agree, and if you don't...the fuck is wrong with you, narc?

​Honestly, as long as you aren't high while on the clock, I think everybody should be able to partake. Frankly, it's actually a performance enhancer for many professions. If everybody smoked weed war would probably still exist (assuming capitalism is in place), but there would be waaaayy less of it.

P.S.

I bought a fake vintage Private Eyes tour t-shirt at a Hall and Oates show in 2021. I hope it fits in 2024!

This little intro is probably textbook Dozie being too hard on himself swag, but I know my shortcomings in understanding the Beatles and their complex yet brief history. When I was born, John Lennon had already been dead longer than The Beatles' run lasted, so it's safe to say they were before my time. But I'm not some hardo that thinks they suck or are overrated; quite the contrary, I know they revolutionized music, influenced countless musicians, and for lack of a better term, changed the world forever.

Dozie's got nothing love and respect for The Beatles, they're just not my first choice (I'd rather listen to Steely Dan, but they, like basically every other group that came out after 1966, were influenced by the Beatles; even though my favorite Steely Dan song "Only a Fool Would Say That" mocks John Lennon's "Imagine") For those curious, my favorite Beatles songs are "Don't Let Me Down," "Help," "Here Comes the Sun," and "Tomorrow Never Knows."

I'm â€‹not here to debate John Lennon's potential hashtag bad guy-ness, whether or not the song itself should've been made, or what John and George would've thought of it. I'm simply here to talk about the song itself and acknowledge the remarkable fact that a "new" Beatles song hit #1 on the "Big 40" (which I guess is a global chart, but based out of England?) in 2023 (the same year that a potential WWIII debuted!).

Sure, John Lennon could've recorded himself mocking the mentally disabled or armpit-farting the alphabet with Paul and Ringo laying down the rhythm section 45 years later, and it would've topped the charts, but it's still pretty incredible...especially with how hot Taylor Swift is rn (I love "Cruel Summer" and don't care who knows it!) that a band half-full of dead guys accomplished this.

So how did we get here? Why is this 1970s demo seeing the light of day? I'm gonna outsource that to another publication. Work smarter, not harder.

via The Ringer: 
"The song, which was written by John Lennon in the late 1970s and demoed on a handheld cassette recorder perched on his piano, was considered for the full-band treatment during the 1995 Beatles Anthology project, when the surviving “Threetles” (Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr) worked with producer Jeff Lynne of Electric Light Orchestra and Traveling Wilburys fame to finish a few of Lennon’s songs."

I'm terrified of AI. Sure, I have fun with CrAIyon, but the technology and its potential harm to society keep me up at night. I hope and want to live in a world where AI is used for good in situations like this (or solving all of life's problems), but it also feels like a fast-forward button to living in 1984.

We currently live in what I like to call the "Toy Story era of AI." Toy Story was, of course, the first fully-computer animated full-length film. At the time, the technology was groundbreaking, and while it still holds up pretty well for rewatches, it is clearly outdated. I'm sure in 10 years, we'll look back at 2023 AI and laugh (if that hasn't been outlawed) at its quality.

We'll probably live to see a day where fully AI artists "perform" at the Las Vegas Sphere and other similar venues, but for now, we still gotta work out some of the kinks, as you'll see in the music video.

I'm no Beatles superfan. I appreciate and respect their music and impact on the art form itself, but this song gets ya boi a little emotional. "Now and Then" is not exactly Johnny Cash's "Hurt" when it comes to the emotions it resonates, but it undeniably has a little bit of an end-your-life vibe to it. You can't help but think about the Beatles ride, Lennon and Harrison's deaths, and the fact that Ringo and Paul are getting up there.

To director Peter Jackson's credit, the video isn't ALL weird, just ever-so-slightly-off animation that makes the John Lennon and George Harrison reanimations look creepy AF (it features them a little too much for my liking...but the archival footage was awesome). Despite the creepiness, I'm a grown fucking man; I can get past it and enjoy the song for what it is. Now, what that "is" may be is different to every set of ears, but I genuinely like it and have listened to it a bunch since it dropped last week. I just have to acknowledge how weird and low-key unnecessary the AI versions of Lennon and Harrison were. It was a little off-putting. Like there are undoubtedly people that watched this video and got the chills or had to straight-up look away. I bet it even caused a few cases of the "Heebie Jeebies."

Despite PJ's acid-trip nightmare of a music video (FTR, I am NOT a LOTR guy), "Now and Then" is a beautiful track and a fitting official goodbye to the Beatles; it might even end up cracking my top 100 most played songs on Apple Music, which would be quite the feat considering it came out in November. 

Buuuuuut, as a nearly 32 year old man, I do feel a lil' weird being super into Olivia Rodrigo's MUSIC (...and face).

Yes, she's super commercially successful, like, children love her shit, but that doesn't mean it's not genuinely good (it has heart & actually connects with multiple generations). MGK could NEVER!

I've loved what we've seen from the new look C's to start the season. Sure, the Knicks game felt a little too familiar (in the worst ways), but Porzingis saved us late.

Last night, the C's scored 155 points (2nd highest in team history) and beat the Pacers by a cool 51. ​

That's all well and good. I had fun watching, but we're the fucking Boston Celtics. Blowing out a shitty Pacers team on November 1st isn't what we're playing for. We know it's all about 18 (even though I hate the Yankee-ness of that slogan). We've gotten so close. There's been so many close calls and heartbreaks. ​I'm trying to enjoy the ride but I'm ready for the playoffs...where the ball truly matters (and it's spring, so it's nice out. Fall's barely started, and I'm already over the cold). It's stressful. Not like playoff stressful, but it's sometimes hard to enjoy the regular season when the expectations are so high. Like the I.T. years and early Jays C's,,,,,those were fun ass years. The 2018 playoff run was a delight. Now, the pressure is on, but it does seem like the Jays are hungrier than ever and ready to take the next step. #cliche. Jrue and Porzingis have been fantastic. You'd like to see such a tall guy be better on the glass, but I mean, woke Dozo can say it...Euro bigs aren't exactly tough. Dare I even say #soft?

But as for the C's new threads...

After leaking some sneak peaks here and there over the past week, the Celtics officially unveiled their 2023-24 City Edition unis today, and they are gorgeous. If I had a better body that could pull off a jersey, I'd cop one.

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That may sound like a biased Boston homer take, but I genuinely mean it. These are wicked aesthetically pleasing and jam-packed with detail (which I LOVE as a history guy).

I have no qualms shitting on one of my teams' unis. I've hated the 2020s Pats uniforms since the instant I saw them. I stopped pouring my heart and soul into the Red Sox because John Henry ruined that wonderful game for me. You can trust me here. These are just straight-up beautiful jerseys. I just wish they said "Celtics" instead of Boston. I know they're the "city edition" jerseys, but there are teams' with their real name or a nickname on them. It doesn't take anything away from these; I just like the uniforms that say "Celtics" better, and it feels like we have too many that say Boston. I wish our road greens still did. These were simple but perfect uniforms.

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The 4-0 Celtics debut these new threads on November 10th in the franchise's first-ever in-season tournament game. I still don't entirely understand how this thing works, but it feels too gimmicky and try-hard from the Association. I'm going to give it a chance, it's just like...who fucking cares? It's just a money grab. We're playing for another banner. All that matters to me this season is staying healthy. Homecourt would be nice, but the C's are high-key trash at home in the playoffs. 

I will gladly admit the in-season tourney courts are sick.

But the NBA needs to bring these floors back! The NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV needs that extra pizzazz!!

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This performance is from last week's SNL and just so happens to be my favorite song on the latest *Christopher Walken voice* Foo FiiiiigHTers' album (I've only heard like 4 songs). I still can't believe Taylor is gone, but I'm glad to see the boys back at it. People forget that I would've seen Foo Fighters, Rage Against the Machine and RHCP live if Boston Calling 2020 wasn't cancelled for some reason I can't remember.

If you don't have Paramount +, either subscribe or find yourself a password like I did because this documentary is phenomenal. I'm definitely going to watch it again.
​
I've been fascinated with Milli Vanilli's story since I first learned about them, thanks to VH1 literally decades ago. I told their story to countless people, but if you somehow don't know who they are...for about two years, they were one of the biggest duos on earth (culminating with the 1990 Grammy for Best New Artist), except they were actually lip-syncing. People weren't super thrilled to learn that little factoid.​

P.S.

Fab can actually kind of sing. I'm glad he's doing well and at peace. It's kind of ironic that he's singing the song that Rob "sang" lead on.