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MOORE, OKLAHOMA (KFOR) – An Oklahoma man allegedly defecated in a grocery store freezer Sunday night, and a woman who was shopping accidentally put her hand in it while reaching for groceries that were covering it.
“I pick up a bag of pizza rolls and there’s literally s--,” Shirley Wright-Johnson said in a video of the incident. “Human s—. Excuse my language.” A Sunday trip to a Crest Foods store for Wright-Johnson and her kids turned out to be more than what the mom bargained for. “I was upset, I was disgusted, I feel like I was violated,” she said in an interview with KFOR. Wright-Johnson said she is still trying to comprehend what happened while picking up a bag of pizza rolls in the freezer section. “I grabbed the bag, I felt something smushy on the bag, so I turned it over and there it was,” she said. Moore police said it was human feces. Wright-Johnson said there was another bag of pizza rolls that had been placed on top of it, covering it up. “I was so disgusted I was almost in tears,” she said. Lt. Kyle Johnson with the Moore Police Department said they want to talk to the man seen in the picture below. “That individual was then observed, went to the cooler section where he proceeded to defecate inside one of the coolers before leaving the business,” Johnson said. According to Johnson, the man was also allegedly taking pictures of female customers inside the store. “It’s a little bit disturbing. It’s kind of out there. We don’t see this much,” Johnson said. Wright-Johnson said she immediately alerted employees, cleaned her hands and headed home with her two kids, whom she brought to the store. “I bleached my hand, I disinfected my hand,” she said. “All the way home they still were like, ‘Mom, I can smell it, I can smell it.’ I’m like, ‘I smell it too, baby.'” Even two days later, Wright-Johnson still struggles to voice her frustration with what took place. “You can’t even put it into words,” she said. KFOR reached out to Crest numerous times, but never received a comment. Wright-Johnson said she was offered steaks by someone in the corporate offices to make up for her experience. Moore police are investigating the situation.
I'm in no position to pass judgment of anybody's dietary decisions; I'm a fancy sauce with fries kind of guy. Recently, I saw an error message on my scale (let's just move on), but personally, I'm not a fan of pizza rolls. They're such a stoner cliche and simply don't do it for me, even as a kid. They leave so much more to be desired. I honestly think I'd rather eat fruit (but not vegetables, let's not go overboard). I never want to be in a position where my choices with something are 8th-degree burns on the roof of my mouth or wait three days until they're cool enough to consume (I was about to say "safe," but pizza rolls are never safe to eat regardless of condition).
Now I'm not trying to blame this poor woman, Shirley Wright-Johnson; this shit (pardon the obvious) could've happened to anybody at any grocery store on Earth. She simply had shit luck, but you have to assume this is the final nail in her pizza roll coffin, right? #NeverAgain after raw-dogging some fecal matter, I always say. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume they were for her two kids, so if there's ever an excuse never to repurchase Pizza Rolls, it's "hey, remember when they were covered in human shit?" Bagel Bites are two shelves away and far superior anyways. I know some freaks and weirdos are literally into getting shit on; some are a tad tamer and use a glass table or cellophane wrap (the ole, Glass Bottom Boat). Still, it doesn't matter for most people if you're a man, woman or they, black or white, left or wrong; everybody can agree that human shit out of water is fucking vile. It's a top 5 terrible smell. I've never once seen a poop out of water candle at the Paper Store when I'm buying Christmas gifts for every woman in my family. P.O.O.W. can ruin anything. As someone who drank so much Captain Morgan at a party in 2007 that he shat himself and woke up tied to a hospital bed, I can speak from experience. At the same time, from years of abusing my body with various food, drinks, and drugs, I'm at a point where I can go from all systems go to "this building will self destruct in 30 seconds" in like eight seconds. I have no anal on-deck circle or shame in using any public toilet. I took at least three dumps at Dead and Co. During peak Ub** season, I know tens of available spots to drop heat while I'm on the roads. I need to know, like Marc Anthony, why this dude shit in a fucking freezer. Was he trying to ruin somebody's day? Because in that case, even my libby ass is in favor of capital punishment. Let him fry *Hootie voice*, but if this was just an "OMG, I'm gonna explode this moment" situation, and he just panicked, and just so happened to be in the Frozen Food aisle, I can't talk shit, and frankly, I have buttloads of empathy. I've trusted farts that I shouldn't more times than I can count. Earlier in summer of '07 (which ended with me ruining a party that I wasn't even invited to), back in the days of walking everywhere, I went to Cumbies (s/o the Chill Zone when it first came out....69 cents....you literally couldn't beat it) with two friends in my neighborhood when my internal doomsday countdown went off on the walk back home. I ran down the hill like Walter Payton to my house. You can ask Richie or Paige; they'll back it up. Unfortunately, when I got to my house, I wasn't going to make it up the steps, so I audibled and straight-up pooped on my (dad's) lawn, then used a snow shovel and hose to hide the evidence. What I'm saying is I have plenty of weird poop stories in strange places, so I can almost get it if this were an IBS emergency...but this is simply too fucked up to think this was a malice-less shit. There had to be hate and anger to subject a fellow human to something so vile and disrespectful. With this sort of low-grade terrorism, I don't think capital punishment is an extreme solution. We need to set a precedent and remind the world that the U.S. doesn't fuck around. You can't go pooping in the frozen food section of a "civilized" country and just go on breathing as if nothing happened. Had modern refrigeration existed in the 1700s, our Founding Fathers would've included that in the Constitution. This poop is some of the most disrespectful shit I've ever read in my entire life. You know it must've gotten under that lady's nails if her kids could still smell it after multiple attempts at cleaning, including bleaching. You probably have to consider amputation at that point. But if there is a positive to a story like this, it helps me better understand why the world will probably end during my lifetime. If we're having dudes drop heat on the Totinos, then I think we all can admit it's time to unplug Earth and plug it back in.
P.S.
I bet this guy LOVES Dane Cook. It would explain a lot.
Double P.S.
"KFOR reached out to Crest numerous times, but never received a comment. Wright-Johnson said she was offered steaks by someone in the corporate offices to make up for her experience. Moore police are investigating the situation." Are you fucking kidding me, Crest Market? A couple of shitty steaks are not going to right this wrong. Do you know anything about good PR? At the very least, throw this lady some gift cards so she can make her own Gotttt damn decisions; maybe she doesn't fuck with steak? Honestly, a check for a few grand wouldn't kill you.
Triple P.S.
Seriously, fuck this guy, I wrote my blog this way for comedic effect, but if he was taking secret photos of women in the store, he's clearly a creep. Between that and the dookie, I say let him frryyyyy *Hootie voice*
Actually, rare, QUADRUPLE P.S.
Speaking of poop-related blogs, The Substitute's Bathroom Dilemma is extra-medium key the best blog I've ever written. #HireDozo
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