To Whom It May Concern,
If you're a returning reader, this is the moment you've been waiting for on pins and needles for four years. If this is your first time reading DOL, you sure picked the perfect moment to jump in. So sit back, relax, and prepare to be overshared to by a 27 year old deadbeat finally deciding to go for it as the stars align!
For as long as I can remember, I have felt like I wasn't cut out for "normal life". I have "here for a good time, not a long time" written all over me. I felt like I just wasn't meant to be "another guy". Not trying to suck my own dick here, but for lack of a better word... I was special. That I had more to offer and give people.
I can vividly remember being terrified in high school thinking about having to pick what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. My ever-growing fear of becoming "an adult" grew like a baby inside me that was going to have to be dealt with one way or another. I wanted to go into journalism to write about sports. That's what I did my senior project on, but my dad would not support that as "newspapers are dying" which to his credit, was true even in 2009.
Since I love sports and was obsessed with being a high school football player to the point where winning a state championship mattered more to me than even getting into college so I decided to go to school to be a history teacher....where I could become a football coach and chase that illusive state championship.
But God damnit, I almost pulled it off as a kid. I had a actual chance to make it. Better than most in fact. The stars aligned in 1997 when I was 5 years old on a trip to New York City with my mom to go to a Rosie O'Donnell Show taping.
We got there super early to get the best seats possible and ended up in the second row. Obviously since I was 5 the memories aren't crystal clear but I can remember finding snacks under the seat and thinking that was the coolest thing ever. 4 hour trip totally worth it.
As the show got closer to taping I kept doing what I always did as a kid; talk. I didn't really start talking until I was 3 (yikes) but boy did I try to make up for lost time.
I've heard this story from my mom at least 2,000 times, so I know exactly what happens next.
We got there wicked early not only to get good seats but to try and see if I could read the guest list and do the little intro to her show. If you ever watched you know what I'm talking about. Since I was 5 they said no (totally understandable).
As the show was getting closer to filming the producer told the audience to be stop talking. Being 5 years old, I did not oblige. The producer came up to my mom and said if I didn't stop talking they'd kick us out. Imagine that shit? My mom wanted to go to this taping of the the fucking Rosie O'Donnell Show so bad she requested tickets 8 months prior, took the train into NYC at the ass crack of dawn to get in line HOURS before the taping on a school day to get the best seats possible and I was going to throw it all away before Rosie even got on stage. As the show began, my mom did the same thing that millions of mothers have done before to save themselves and their baby. She covered my mouth with both hands to shut me up. Rosie saw.
After that, the name Ryan Mxxxxxx was HOT. Did you watch? I was electric and have been over two decades. Who else has the balls to tell the most famous joke in the history of jokes on national tv?
I was EVERYWHERE!
In a "holy shit I just discovered who I am moment" maybe this is why I'm so fucking obsessed with one-hit wonders...
Unfortunately, the whole acting thing didn't quite work out. I was too young for one role I auditioned for and late for another (thanks Mom). All I had left was some Koosh-Balls, a VHS tape and crazy story of the time I met Rosie. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that I wasn't a child-star because I would have definitely done all the real gateway drugs much too soon. (joe-bidens-archaic-stance-that-weed-is-a-gateway-drug-is-detrimental-to-society-as-we-know-it.html)
As a child of divorce, naturally childhood wasn't awesome. I moved a lot in middle school. My middle school experience was like the Wendy's 4 for $4. Four years, four different schools. As a kid who had to make new friends a lot I seamlessly transitioned into the role of class clown. Being a chubby kid who stumbled on his words, I soon learned the power of self-depreciation. During this time I also gained the ability to totally disregard my true feelings on things just to make friends and be liked. Word of advice never fucking do this.
Nowadays when you don't have a lot of friends the internet can try to fill that void, but in the late 90's and early 2000's TV was still king, baby. Boy oh boy did I watch a lot of TV and movies. Almost exclusively comedies. I love to laugh. Probably to escape the harsh reality that is life lol. I was raised by SNL and Chris Farley was my God. Tommy Boy is the first real adult comedy I can ever remember watching as a kid and 1000% influenced the man I am today.
Eventually I decide this constant moving shit is not for me. I want to have a normal high school existence. So in 8th grade I moved back with my dad full time. This was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I'll tell you why at the interview.
OHhhhHHHh,,, VERY important backstory for everybody who's made it this far and in efforts to not waste our time recapping high school,I will tell you one quick story that is without a doubt the most important moment in me becoming the man I am today. The story of the origination of the nickname Dozah.
The year is 2006, you and I were in the process of winning Time Person of the Year. I was only a freshmen in high school at the time, so it's much more impressive that I won. Technically at this point in the story I was not even a freshmen because high school had not yet started, but double sessions for football had.
I love being the age I am because it gives me a great historical perspective. I was young, but just old enough to remember the 90's and life before technology took over the world. I remember 9/11 and the days afterwards and I also went to high school when football was still football. The dying days of the pre-concussion protocol football. It was at that very training camp where the Dozah name was born. I hate admitted the name is self-proclaimed but it's been 13 years and has just stuck with me. It's time to embrace it. Me and my buddy Matty were talking about football and high school starting. Obviously this was a big time in our lives. So we needed nicknames. I took that into my own hands and said "I'll be the bulldozer that makes holes for you and you'll be...."
I need to make sure you understand this...not the, "da" you'll be "da cah"
you'll be "da cah" that drives through the holes. "
I know it's hard to believe but only one of those nicknames stuck. Now in my 20's as someone who frequently passes out in public the nickname has taken on an entirely new meaning.
Fast forward to 2010. I am a freshmen at the University of Rhode Island living in Barlow Hall ready to start college and make a name for myself.
There are two paths.
To the left we can actually try during class, branch out and meet new people. Maybe join a frat? Really do the whole college thing up!
To the right we can totally embrace going to college 10 minutes away from home, steal your best friend's girlfriend a month into college. (all-time scumbag move by me, but I've been paying the karmic price ever since). Have a girlfriend the first two years of school while everybody is making new friends and having fun. Then when you break up two years later everybody your age already has their crew... leaving you in a very awkward transitional phase. She's the first thing that comes to your mind when thinking about college to this very day, making it difficult to differentiate experiences and focus on just them.
Guess which way I went?!
p.s. I still love you.
is that a joke? who knows!?
Well luckily despite all the stuff I just said, I genuinely enjoyed college. For all intents and purposes I was a loser in school, a nobody, just another face in the crowd but I had fun. I wasn't "Dozah" the class clown that the entire school knew, that was on prom court (NBD) and a key loss from the powerhouse 2009 NHS Mariners.
While I was in college "learning how to be a teacher" I spent most of my time writing papers and tweeting; the later a habit I gained in high school. I was very early to twitter. April 26th, 2009 to be precise. We used it in high school as an IM substitute since everything else was blocked. Since I started tweeting as a junior in high school I made the difficult decision to kill my first twitter account in July. I am almost 28 years old and nowhere close to the man I was 5 years ago, forget 10. I had the foresight to delete it before I blew up. Josh Hader could've learned a thing or two from this teacher.
So living in the town over I resented going to URI, I hated how it felt like extended-high school, that I felt like I was forced to go there because of convenience and in-state tuition. Granted a lot of this was my own fault, but at this point I was really bitter. I hated how URI sports were a fucking joke and how the culture of the school was dominated by hardo geek life kids from the tri-state area. It was safe to say I was a hater and in my hater ways I created the monster that is @URIprobs.
What started with this tweet:
turned into an empire that at it's peaked had over 5,000 followers. I always used to pull a Job Bluth and say over 6,000 but I honestly do not remember the peak.
I'm sure that information is available somewhere. Gun to my head I don't think I ever got to 6K.
Through purely word of mouth and twitter interactions I was able to organically grow @URIprobs. As I type this sentence even as a basically inactive account it has over 4,500 followers. Pretty impressive considering the size of URI's campus and the overall quality if you ask me. I did this all as just another face in the clouds. A nobody, a loser. Complaining and making shitty commentary on URI life as a guy who truly never experienced it. There's been many times where I considered using that account as a jumping off point for DOL but it kinda felt like cheating to me, plus I know my audiences were not entirely the same demo.
While I was on my own personal twitter account I starting interacting with Barstool personalities. At this time Barstool was still run out of a dentist office in Milton. There were under 20 bloggers. It's fucking incredible where it's gotten to from when even I started reading and I know I was late to the party. I was aware of Barstool in early college when I had a GF, but it really became a big part of my life once I was single in 2013. I read it constantly. It was exactly what I was all about; sports, girls, busting balls, making people laugh, calling out people for their hypocrisies and bullshit. I was hooked from the jump. Big Cat quickly became my favorite. (Dave, I still love you)
After the Spurs won the NBA Finals in 2014 and Pres said something about Pop not celebrating.
This was the highlight of my day on May 17th, 2015 (shouldn't have gotten my hair cut 2 weeks before graduation...that neck!) (a-year-ago-today-i-graduated-college-a-timeline-of-may-17-2015.html)
Just guys being (juice) dudes.
When KFC followed me this was the "holy shit" moment. I was shocked he never unfollowed me tbh. I figured I must've got muted. Then this happened.
The whole KFC following me thing definitely fucked with me. Why me? I'm pretty sure it was only because I was a premium KFC Radio member at the time but then I started getting in my own head. Does this dude know who I am? Has he ever read DOL? I knew the answer was likely no to both but as a conspiracy guy I always was shocked that Kevin stayed following me. I'll always appreciate that. I was the biggest KFC guy when I first got into Barstool. His Home Alone blogs are on my Mount Rushmore. Not anti-KFC, I just don't listen to KFC radio as much since Big Cat left. There's only so much content one guy can consume! I rooted for the Mets HARD in 2015. Making it into a KFC blog is by far my favorite personal moment as a barstool fan (stoolie).
I reeeeaaaallly loved Big Cat Saves Detroit
I still feel like the door isn't completely closed on the Frambulance, especially after this.
Defending Rhody to Wonton Don
Loved checking my mentions this day.
Happy Birthday Dozo.
Who the fuck was I dropping microaggression?
PFT may be the smartest writer on internet right now. I would to talk conspiracies with this guy.
Don't think I forgot about John Henry! Although I hope he forgot the time I ran into him at Dockside in 2017.
Backstory: I'm a HUGE unbuttoned shirt guy. The drunker I get, the less buttons I have. There have been many an completely unbuttoned night in the drinking days of ole dozo. Well because I think nothing is off limits in comedy I didn't think this was a big deal... but it was perceived as racist or at the very least racial when I complemented a black gentlemen Feits was with for having his shirt significantly unbuttoned too. If anything I was trying to soup him up. I mean it's fucking true that a lot of black dudes love to rock the all the way buttoned shirt. I was just pumped to see a brother rocking the chest flow. IMO all the way buttoned is a dumb look regardless of race, creed or gender.
but perfectly on brand with Dozo things got very awkward. That same night I drunkenly talked shop with Benny Freeman aka Young Pageviews and he had to have been one of the nicest, most down to earth guys I've ever met. Talked to him about DOL and everything, we face timed Tex (I'll get to my history with him soon). Beatiful evening...oh yeah here's the Feits tweets.
I'm on twitter too. I know sometimes the like/favorite button can be out of pity. We've all done it. I'm an emotional guy, but I can handle it. Although I would fully embrace my role as the Dick Vermeil of Barstool.
But those aren't even all the interactions we've had. Didn't feel the need to saturate this blog 80+ pics of Big Cat liking my shitty jokes. My point is statistically speaking a few of those made barstool employees laugh. They had to. There's too many to be all pity. Ie.... I'm funny and a good fucking writer. I have encyclopedic knowledge of useless sports and music facts that would be entirely useful as a Barstool Blogger and am full of ideas. I applied for a Viceroy job in 2017 and interviewed with Tex over the phone. Didn't get it, but we all know his judgment. You all must have thousands of people asking you for jobs daily. I am the first one to admit my flaws, but I'm confident that I'm a good writer and be an asset to BSS. Maybe not in with punctuation or grammar at times but I people are always telling me how good I am. I have "a way with words" Professor Pearson at URI probably disagrees, but what does that guy know about things that aren't the Renaissance or Game of Thrones?
I born to work for this company. I've been writing on DOL since 2016. Started with a post inspired by my blogging icon (dozo-the-dentist.html). I just want an opportunity to interview. #hiredozo is just an easier hashtag. I know Barstool is an incredibly hard job to get, but at the same time it can be the easiest. It's all about the opportunity and timing. Some people run fast and have funny nicknames and get a chance. I'm hoping my story and content I've created over the years is enough for me. I have hundreds of blogs and have my greatest hits I'd love to share. With Barstool in home state and my recent long-term subbing assignment coming to it seemed like the perfect chance to finally go for it. I wanted to write more but this already long enough and I'm going to #RNR with my boys tonight. Ideally I'll run into someone tonight. Look for a 6 foot tall thicccc dude with gorgeous hair and communist Lebron shirt.
Let me leave you with this, to paraphrase the greatest college football player of all time; Tim Tebow. (and the original black-listed kneeler)
If given a chance you will never see anybody in the entire company blog as hard as I will blog and you will never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody and you will never see someone as appreciative and grateful of everyday they have at Barstool Sports as ole dozo. God Bless.
Thank you for taking time to read this,
Ryan "Doz" Mxxxxx