On Friday, February 26th, 2021, dozonlife.com turned five years old and in perfect DOL fashion; I did nothing to recognize that fact. Maybe it's because I genuinely didn't know the exact DOL B-day and just wanted to relax after work on Friday? Maybe it's because of my own unhappiness? Idk, but we're not diving into that in paragraph #1 (but we will)!
Despite having so few followers that I could invite them all to a hypothetical wedding (not mine,,, I'm fat & alone; FUCK I'm supposed to stop doing this..) and not break COVID protocols, after all these blogs I've written since February 26th, 2016, there's one that to this day still gets clicks every. single. week. I don't have it promoted, I haven't really referenced it much over the years, but it still gets "sizable" clicks on the DOL scale.
It's called Jonah Hill Fattest Movie Performance Power Rankings (my next blog after this further breaks down how the views for the Super Bowl logo blog went up so much) and is exactly what you'd expect; a blog breaking down Jonah Hill's acting roles from least-fat to fattest.
That was one of the first 10 or so blogs I wrote (you can tell by the quality) on DOL and, in many ways, was one of the ideas that inspired me to start this website finally. At 24, I thought that topic was hilarious. I worked in a kitchen at the time, and conversations like Jonah Hill's fattest roles were just par for the course in a room full of 20-something pizza guys trying to make the shift go quicker.
So I find it super ironic that on the 5th anniversary of the first DOL post, the subject of one of my most "popular" blogs, Jonah Hill, posted this to his Instagram about his battle with acceptance, loving himself and his body after over 15 years in the public's eye.
Reading that post in bed Friday night was my eureka moment for why my rinky-dink, nothing blog still gets views on a five-year-old post; it's because people are fucking obsessed with Jonah Hill and his struggles with obesity, to the point where even I'm feeling the trickle-down. The dude can't even be shirtless to dry his body, which is one of the most common and effective ways to dry oneself without the tabloids making it a thing. I know he's rich, so most people will have zero empathy, but that's gotta fucking suck.
Now, I've hated the body positivity movement for years because I've battled obesity my entire life; I know how much it sucks and makes life less enjoyable. I don't like breathing like I just fought 12 rounds after going up 12 steps. I fundamentally disagree with the idea that it's "okay to be fat", but maybe I was wrong with my interpretation of what body positivity actually is?
I think it's kind of like the whole "defund the police" stance (yep, we're going there) that's been brought to the forefront of public consciousness with all the racial injustices of the last 1-400 years in this country
When I heard that last summer, I was like, "ahhh Idk about that one" because while I do wholeheartedly agree America's police need major reform, I don't think society can work without some sort of law enforcement. When you hear that term, it's easy to assume people mean completely defund the police, but I quickly learned that "defund the police" doesn't mean take the entire police budgets away or completely abolish law enforcement; it's about reallocating resources, which is something I am 100% on board with. So in that same sense of being incorrect with what "defund the police" meant, was I completely wrong with my interpretation of what it actually means to be body positive?
I think back on my life and struggles with my weight. Was I lashing out at the body positivity movement because I was unhappy as who I was, and it pissed me off to see other fats so happy? Was I jealous that other fat people were in loving relationships with non-fats? Was I envious of fat people who were commercially successful? Was I angry with myself for knowing what I was doing was wrong but not being able to stop myself from shoveling food down my throat? Was I becoming the Candice Owens of fat people? Because I have started to change my stance on the topic, and I can thank Jonah for that. You should love yourself no matter what you currently look like; I agree with that in theory; I just struggle to practice it in reality.
Yes, it's bad to be morbidly obese, but you should love yourself no matter your size, and that's something I (and millions of other people) haven't been able to do. Whether I'm 230, 370, or 420 pounds doesn't change how good a person I am or how much I matter, but to me, that's exactly what it means. I'm a textbook fat guy who uses self-deprecating comedy as a weapon to take power away from others; it's how you survive four middle schools in four years. Now, after a couple of years of therapy, I've seen how much it's manifested into my depression and lack of self-worth. It's one of my major reasons I haven't put out as much content the last year. I hate how I can't control my binge eating and feel like a worthless piece of shit for not controlling it. I tried to use my "ability" to my advantage last year on March 7th with the #43Burger challenge, which ironically was four years to the day after writing the Jonah Hill blog.
After seeing that post, I'm jealous of Jonah Hill. Not because of the Oscar nominations, bank account or celebrity status, but because he is happy in his own shoes being him (but also the other stuff). It's taken him 37 years to get there. I cannot say that I'm there yet, but I hope it doesn't take me that long; I'm sure a lot of other fat people are still feeling that way too, but maybe he'll inspire a couple of 12-year-olds not to be weighed down by their wet t-shirt in a body of water? I mean, that post got me to really reconsider how I thought about the topic of body positivity. The message of love and not being afraid to live your life is something all people should get behind. I can remember being one of the kids with his shirt on at the beach or in the pool, so I completely get where he's coming from.
I still can't wrap my head around someone as famous as Jonah Hill was wearing a shirt in the water, but when I think about how millions of other people or I have talked about him in the past, it doesn't take Freud to figure out why he felt that way. I wrote that blog five years ago partly because I understood how hard it is to maintain a healthy weight, and that was BEFORE I lost 120 lbs, gained back 80, lost 70, then gained 90.
I give Jonah all the credit in the world for sticking it to the tabloids and finding his inner happiness regardless of what his outer shell currently looks like. Dead ass, good for him. I'm happy to consider myself a fan of his.
Despite everything I just wrote, like what Jonah said, this isn't a "feel bad for me post." Like him, I'm trying to use my platform (albeit microscopic compared to him) to tell others it's okay to be you, that you should love yourself no matter what (unless you're a violent criminal or Yankee fan), and to admit that my train of thought had been off the tracks. Sorry, Lizzo!