I hate to be like Trish the Dish and have all my summer blogs start with an apology for not writing enough, but I genuinely miss getting behind the keyboard!
I've been pretty busy between work (get well soon 'scape), a few events with my friends, battling depression lol, and feeding my grandmother's cats while she's visiting Deathsantisland.
So last Thursday, I went to a KFC Radio live show in East Providence with my buddy Sean. If you're unfamiliar with KFCR, it's Barstool's oldest podcast and a bastion of the old internet. During my two senior years of college, I listened to every episode and had the specific KFC Radio app that you paid a buck a month for.
Admittedly, my listening plummeted once Big Cat left to start PMT, but I love Feits and KFC. I still catch a bunch of their clips on Youtube and throw likes on social in good faith. A few weeks ago, I saw an ad for their live show for a reasonable price and scooped up two tickets to check it out. Of course, I've always got #HireDozo on my brain's front burner, but I went intending to have fun. It would've been nice to get a little face time with KFC and Feits and reminisce of the time I basically hosted their Pandemic Game Show, but once the live show ended, the venue emptied super quickly. We were by an exit, so we kind of just went with the crowd. Then once outside, we ran into another buddy's ex-gf and got sucked up in catching up, and sort of missed our chance to connect. I'm mad at myself for not hanging around and grabbing a quick selfie with the KFCR boys where my eyes are closed, but I HATE myself for being too big a pussy to shout out an answer that ended up being right and would've been huge for the Dozo brand.
Growing up, I had no qualms shouting things out at the wrong moment. My high school had a big problem with people shouting shit out during assemblies and I was one of the worst offenders, but even though I was a solid student, I was terrified to answer questions in class (even though I usually knew them). I didn't want to be wrong and look stupid. I did the same thing in college. I can probably count the times I talked on my own volition in class at URI on one hand. Anxiety and age have crippled my shout-out game, but no instance hurt me more than the one this blog is about.
So at podcast live shows, things are usually a little looser than in the regular internet setting. The boys let it fly. In the first 10ish minutes, KFC and Feits told a story about the night before when they were at Dave and Busters in Time Square for hours. Feits was talking about all the points on his Powercard and how he wanted to give it to a kid, but he needed to pick "the right" kid. In classic KFCR fashion, he and KFC were emphatically telling this story, and Feits said he was dipping his toe into, and before he finished the sentence, KFC was like, "I'll give you $500 if you can guess what Feits will say" or something along those lines. I told Sean he was talking about pedophilia. It made perfect sense for the joke based on the setup. He was talking about scouting the best kid to give his Powercard to. TBH, it wasn't that hard to crack; I'm sure I wasn't the only person who thought it, even though nobody said it (maybe it was just me, I do have a great untapped weird brain). It couldn't possibly be anything else. Sean said to yell it out, but I mean, I was fucking terrified. If there's one thing I lack, its confidence and even though I was like 88% sure, that's a word you don't just throw around willy-nilly. Some people don't even think you should joke about it! Can you believe that? In the 12% chance, I was wrong; I was setting myself up to get at the very least some intense dirty looks and judgment from people I'd love to be DOL readers. I didn't wanna be the morbidly obese guy screaming "pedophilia." It wasn't a good look for the boi. I literally spent 15 minutes explaining this story to my shrink earlier this week about whether or not I made the right choice. Of course, as a therapist, she was saying shit about how not saying that showed growth blah, blah, blah. For a normal person sure, but I'm trying to work for Barstool. Apart from stopping fascism and finding a cool, pretty wife, it's legit all I want in my life. I was born to work for Barstool Sports and this was a chance I should've fucking taken. I can't stop thinking about how that night plays out if I shout it out and get that holy shit reaction from KFC and Feits. Maybe they would've recognized me from Quarantine: The Game Show? They could've called me up on stage a la my Rosie O'Donnell appearance in 1997. Or, at the very least, it could've joggled their brains and been like, "oh shit, this dude is hilarious and great at telling where stories are going. We should totally save his life and give him a job at Barstool. He's been running a blog since 2016 and created @URIprobs which had over 6,000 followers at its peak which is no small accomplishment, especially in 2013-14." Could that have finally been my big break? I don't know, but I am furious at myself for being somewhat responsible and not shouting out "pedophile" in a room of a few hundred people. I can't fucking win, bro. Why am I wasting my life trying to be a hashtag good guy and make a difference in this fucked up world? That isn't getting clicks. Maybe I should've not given a fuck and yelled out one of the top 3 worst things a person can be. Of course, now it's a lot easier to be like "dude, you should've just said it," but like my days as a middle, high school and college student, I was terrified of being wrong and what comes with it. If you're reading this, KFC, Feits, or anybody else at Barstool, Ole Dozo is a perfect fit, and my anxiety will magically disappear once I'm hired. I'll go back to the days of having no on-deck circle in my brain like it's 2009! #HireDozo
P.S.
I am very worried about all my "how do you spell pedophilia?" google searches putting me on a list.
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