Dozie's Brain Dump: July 10th, 2023

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It feels great to be back behind the keys again, and I mean that in both a literal and metaphorical sense. One of the primary reasons this is my first blog day since June is the state of my once-known as "tin foil back." I'm just happy I'm currently sitting without wanting to cut off the lower 60% of my body. I'm currently comfortable, which is a major win compared to writhing in pain on your grandma's floor trying to find a position where you don't want to eat a bowl of bullets for breakfast. I was flopping around like the fish in the "Epic" video for days.

**that's** how you comeback from a two-week break with a timely reference, Dozie!?!!

Recently, I discovered my hips are misaligned, and I've got a touch of the scoliosis. hashtag not ideal! The pain was like a 14/10 for over two weeks but finally has subsided to a much more manageable 3/10. I went to the gym tonight for the first time in July and have a lot of shit on my mind, so I figured this is the perfect time to drop my 2nd Dozie's Brain Dump. 

Between busy times on the Ubah streets, my mom being in town, and back pain that would've killed a weaker man, I haven't had a chance to blog since I hyped up a potential hashtag bad guy's perfect game, and this blog will serve as a sorta catch-up/vent situation.

During my Saturday night ubin, I drove a guy I went to middle school with then had a class with at URI, and he brought up how crazy it is we'll be 32 this year, and I was on-fucking-board. I'm not a small-talk guy, and I am always down to talk about the concept of time.

It's weird because I'm definitely not old (even though my body is breaking down), but I'm certainly not young. Sure, I'm still in the "it'd be a tragedy if I suddenly died" range, but I'm also 31 years old. What do I have to show for it besides thousands of fantastic underappreciated blogs, zero romantic prospects, and enough fat to save a small village?

I've been out of the classroom for like 16 months now, and while I've gotten by with ubah as my only way to make money..I'm getting to a point in my life where I fucking need more. It's that simple. I'm not giving up on my dreams by any means, but I can't keep pushing off being a real adult until I have the perfect job. Like, sure, I know it's not good to compare yourself to others and that everybody has way more drama/baggage going on than you realize, but I'm so fucking unhappy with where I am in my life. If you told me when I was 18 that I'd go to college for *five* years to be an uber driver (which didn't even exist at the time) I probably would've called you a bunch of words I've axed from my vocabulary because my brain has fully developed and I'm a much better person now. 

Plus, this Ubah season's been terrible so far. Last year, I cleared over a G a week for like three months straight (minus when my car was in the shop). Now I'm stressing the tf out about money for the first time in years, and I don't love that. Life just gets more and more expensive. I leave the house for 30 minutes and spend $40 without even trying. I built up a solid nest egg between teaching and massive ubah summers but slowly drained that, living as a full-time driver for over a year.

I'm only like five paragraphs (ik it's more) in and I'm already like what am I even doing? Does anybody give a fuck? Why do I do this? I've been running DOL since 2016 and have made money on three blogs. I never started DOL to be a business, it's my sample and passion project, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I've wasted the last seven years. Even as I type that, I know I haven't. Regardless of whatever happens with my writing/personality career, I am undoubtedly a better man. I've learned and grown in countless ways from all the reflection and thought that comes with writing. Okay, I'll admit it... a small part of why I was away from the keys (like 5%) for so long was to see how long it'd take for someone to be like, "damn Dozie, why haven't you written in so long?" it would've been nice to be missed, but we're just gonna blame the 4th of July. Everybody was locked in on that. I'm sure if my hiatus had extended another week, the "where's dozo-s?" would've been coming in by the truckload.

This song is nearly a perfect summary of how I feel and where I currently am in life

Also...it's fucking crazy I can't find a live version of this on Youtube? Does Tame not play it live??? It's low key my favorite song on The Slow Rush.

Full disclosure, I am a bit baked rn, but that's not different from most of the time I'm writing. I'm just in a weird spot, loyal DOL reader. My confidence is below sea level. I feel like I'm getting left behind in life and that I don't matter....oh, and my body's breaking down because I eat my feelings and feel way too much. I'm not trying to be all woe is me, emo shit; I'm just speaking from my heart. I've had a challenging time adjusting to the post-Covid world. I feel like my limited people skills are gone, and everybody has outgrown wanting me in their life. I know part of it is just aging, but it bums me out that I rarely do things irl with people. All my text threads are group chats. I feel so disconnected from everybody. So many people in my life are settling down and having families. People have legit jobs and real money. I have way too much to offer the world to waste away with no social or professional life. I know priorities change with age, but it just hurts to lose people you care so much about. I get in my own head about it cause I know a lot of these relationships will pick up right where we left off when I see them again, but with all the technology we have now, it's crazy to go so long without interaction with people who were such major parts of my life not too long ago.

The one person who undoubtedly believes in my blogging abilities is my mom. She keeps telling me send in samples. I know I need to stop being such a pussy and send in some blogs before it's too late because, despite all the self-doubt, I know I have the talent to make it...I'm just not in a great spot mentally or physically. It sucks because I want to respect the people in my life whose actions affect me in catastrophic ways and not address them by name or title, but I wanna get it out so badly.

I am rattling the shit out of myself right now, dude. I just want to be happy. Can a dude just be creative and make things that people enjoy? My things are words and situations. Nothing makes me feel as good as getting people laughing. Sure, I get the fellas going when we chill, but seeing friends like once every 75 days just isn't cutting it. I wish I weren't so scared to reach out to people...I have tried...fuck...what am I even saying right now? I'm not sure if I will post this, but then again, I can write basically anything, and nobody will care. Okay, that might not be entirely true, but it sure feels like that..a lot. 

I'm sitting here at my desk with Steely Dan's "Show Biz Kids" stuck in my head, questioning the point of any of this. The horrors of humanity are wearing me down like a cheap flip-flop. I'm sooo sick of being alone in all senses. I'm even more sick of all the self-sabotage I subject myself to. Yeah, I still feel good rn after my first workout in like 10 days, but I'm so frustrated with myself that I'm in this situation. I think back to the half-dozen times I've had significant weight losses, and why couldn't any of them stick? I was right fucking there, man. I'll believe until the day I die that if the panny never happened, I wouldn't of gained the 150 lbs I packed on in the 2020s. I'm terrified that something will happen to me, and people will be sad for 40 minutes, then I'll be forgotten like billions of others. In a way, that can help me not get so worked up about stuff, but on the other hand...it makes it even worse. I hope I don't sound crazy right now, but I feel like this blog is probably leaning that way.

I just re-read everything up to now and tweaked a few things and guess that's a good point to stop. Brain dump over.