If You Use a Professional Baby Namer You're an Ass Hole and Likely a Terrible Future Parent4/13/2022 
More money than sense?
Expectant parents are paying upward of $1,500 to a "professional baby namer" who picks the perfect moniker for their child. Taylor A. Humphrey, 33, helped name more than 100 babies in 2020, raking in more than $150,000 from cashed-up couples. Some panicked parents are even turning over an eye-popping $10,000 so that Humphrey can help them settle on an impeccable name for their offspring. "If you look at the most popular baby names, it’s such a telltale sign of our cultural values and our aspirations," Humphrey told The New Yorker in a profile published Monday. The New York businesswoman — who does not have any children — bills herself as a "passionate writer and storyteller" who is “adept at branding, marketing and social media." The NYU grad previously worked as a matchmaker, fund-raiser and event planner. According to her LinkedIn profile, she is also a "reiki practitioner" and has “written two feature-length screenplays, and one TV pilot that explore religion, spirituality, science, futurism and the unconditional, enduring nature [of] love." However, Humphrey said she has always been obsessed with baby names and finally found her true calling when she established her "What’s In a Baby Name" business in 2015. Depending on how much expectant parents pay, Humphrey’s services “range from a phone call and a bespoke name list to a genealogical investigation” with the aim of unearthing old family names, as reported by The New Yorker. Recently, the innovative entrepreneur chose the baby name Parks for a couple who had their first kiss in a town called Parker. Meanwhile, Humphrey also advised an anxious mother who was considering changing her young daughter's name — Isla — because it kept being mispronounced. She was compensated for telling the mom to stick with the Scottish moniker. Humphrey also runs a popular TikTok account, where she often offers free advice. The businesswoman said she is frequently approached by parents who are having their third or fourth child and have apparently run out of names. In a recent video, Humphrey advised a mom who was expecting baby No. 3 and needed a name to flow with those of her two older sons, Emmet and Miller. Humphrey's top picks: Grady, Wilson, Waylon and Fletcher. While some may accuse couples of laziness by siphoning off their baby name decision, Humphrey insisted that the paying parents are simply anxious perfectionists. And if they don’t settle on her suggestions for a first name, she said they often end up as middle names. "Sometimes you see a name like Brave on my list and you think, 'I'm just not going to name my kid Brave,' " Humphrey told The New Yorker. "But it might be worth putting on a maybe list as a thought for a middle name."
As someone who's "taken a different path" in finding a career (#HireDozo), I've always heard shit like "the top jobs in X years don't exist right now" and a bunch of other snappy lines that I cannot recall, but this has to take the cake. I wish I had known about this option while picking my major. Who would've ever guessed professional baby namer is a real job in the year of our lord 2022?
I'm not mad at Taylor A. Humphrey for scamming her way through life with a resume full of fake jobs like match-maker, fund-raiser, and event planner. Do you, girl. Get yours. Con those rich dicks for all they've got. What I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is the fact that people are paying upwards of $10,000 for a stranger to tell them a few names! It's ludicrous. I know money is all relative. There was once a time when I thought $100 was a lot of money. Now it's basically the cost of leaving my house for more than an hour, but 10K is a lot even for those who avoid paying taxes through shell companies. $10,000 can buy you a decent amount of various items. In my lifetime, I've blown more money gambling and getting fatter than I'd ever want to know, but how could someone justify spending five figs on a fucking name?? I use a nickname while blogging, but most of you know my government name is Ryan, which of course, means "little King." It's a solid second-tier popularity boy name. I've usually had another Ryan in most of my classes throughout college, but at least it's not something extra boring like Michael, Matthew, or John. Thank God. Like, did your parents even try? Was there ever a name conversation, or did they just pick the first thing they could think of while being vanilla wallpaper boring? When I was a kid, I wished my name was Blaine cause of the Pokemon character, but I have no qualms with Ryan--especially when most of my friends call me some variation of Doz. 
What I'm getting at is my very divorced parents came up with that name together. Not only am I literally part of each of them, but my name is too. They cared enough about me to make that decision together or, at the very least, by agreeing with my mom.
Now I'm 30, and lots of my friends are starting to pop out their own kids. I'm all for it; I love kids and would like to have some of my own once I'm more stable and in better shape so I can be an active daddy, but I don't think any of them are shelling out actual American currency for name help. You could argue that the kid's parents must genuinely care if they're willing to spend $1,500-$10,000 on a NAME and that if they can toss that out, they're able to provide lots of other lavish expenses. But if I found out my parents spent that kind of money on my name, I'd be fucking heated. You were that uncreative that you had to outsource naming me? Are you fucking kidding me? You might as well of aborted my ass months ago if you can't spend a few nights together reading some baby books or playing some top names of X year Sporcle quizzes to get inspiration. Some issues you can't just throw money at. You gotta figure them out yourselves. Imagine a few years down the road when you want the latest toy for Christmas or to go on a trip for Spring Break, but Mom and Dad weren't too wise when it came to managing their money and are saying they can't afford it. You're basically betting on yourself that you'll never fuck up financially by spending this much on something nobody should spend a cent on. If I knew my parents dropped 10K on my fucking name, you better believe I'd be heated if they denied my requests. There are literally billions of better ways to spend 10K, including burning it. At least you're helping with inflation. This sets up future douchebag kids too. "Really, mom and dad, we can't afford to go see Avengers 28, but you dropped 10K for some former matchmaker to name me Braieyeden? I HATE YOU!" Ya know what? I'm not done with Taylor A. Humphrey after all. How can you be naming so many babies when you don't have kids of your own. Talk about having no skin in the game. Of course, you can just rattle off douchebag names like Harper, Braxton, and whatever the fuck these random sounds are.
When you've never had to deal with the consequences firsthand, you just took the money and ran. How about you raise little Cordelia and Odette for 18 years and see what they have to deal with on the playground before suggesting such ridiculous names?
If you're spending upwards of 10K for some random soft 7 to play around online looking for a hundred-year-old name for your 4th kid, you better have some foundation to fight climate change or world hunger; otherwise, you're a fucking ass hole and likely a terrible parent.
1 Comment
Ayedulf
4/14/2022 03:05:32 am
fuk u Leave a Reply. |
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