Ya boi is currently on February break, which means I'm at war with myself between relaxing and refreshing from the horror that is teaching in the Creative Capital or grinding towards my Barstool dreams. #HireDozo
I want to work for Barstool more than anything in the entire world. I know I would thrive in that environment and be an ideal piece for the pirate ship, but spoiler alert, my "mentals" are not in the most ideal spot rn. There's a reason I don't put my face out there like I used to. I'm ashamed of who I've become (physically) since Covid rocked all our lives. I'm going to a doctor next month to try and get shit in order, but I need to chill and reset from getting coins and markers thrown at me, and asked 84 times in 48 minutes whether or not I've eaten ass (obviously I have).
If I'm at home and I'm not writing, I'm probably playing Madden with music or some video (I've been on a Family Guy compilation bender) going on my laptop. #multitasking. I've been playing this game for over 20 years, and it's something that genuinely brings me joy. I played in a Madden league during early Covid. I love football and the competition of trying to beat a stranger in an attempt to feel good about myself for a few minutes. There's legit strategy that comes into play and as a football guy, I medium-key get off on trying to outsmart my opponent. I used to play with a custom playbook, but I wish you could design your own plays. That's an update that's definitely possible, but EA has zero interest in improving the product since they have no competitors in the market.
It's Wednesday night, and I've only written four blogs so far this week, but played probably three dozen games of Madden while catching up with Ozark and rewatching Ted Lasso as a palate cleanser, but it got me thinking. There are some fucking scumbags on the Madden servers. Write about that!
Much like Deborah Welton, I'm a work in progress. I know I'm not perfect, but I try to live the hashtag good guy mantra as much as possible. I'm open to constructive criticism. I always appreciate constructive criticism about my life performance; I thrive on it. I've played tens, if not hundreds of thousands of online Madden games in my life and have come across some truly despicable behavior. I'm not talking about using slurs or obviously scuzzy behavior; I'm talking about poor player etiquette. As a man of the people, here's some help from your friend Ole Dozo to avoid being an online Madden scumbag. Inspired from the Notorious B.I.G.'s 10 Crack Commandments, here are the DOL 10 Madden Commandments.
The 10 Madden Commandments
1. Have your Depth Chart ready to go.
It's not 1999, bro/girl bro/they/them bro, the game has advanced a liiittle. Adjust your players in the depth chart before entering the lobby looking for an opponent. It's super annoying when somebody pauses immediately after the opening kickoff to change their slot receiver. Take care of it beforehand. I don't care if you're bringing back an injured star; it's a fucking video game. Just do it before the game starts!
2. Play your game.
It's a video game. It's supposed to be fun. I'm not some loser saying you shouldn't go for two, attempt onside kicks, or go for it on 4th down. If you wanna go for it on 4th and 27, that's your right. I LOVE going for two after scoring a touchdown that puts me up seven points in an attempt to go up two scores. It's a smart move that more teams should embrace, especially in the 4th quarter.
3. Don't use the accelerated clock in non-necessary situations.
Online Madden games are only five-minute quarters. If you run the ball three times and complete a couple of passes, you can easily kill an entire quarter on one drive. I have ZERO issues with draining the clock in a two-minute goal-line situation or trying to put a game away in the FOURTH quarter, but if you're running an accelerated clock from the jump to try to limit possessions like the 1990 Giants against the Bills in Super Bowl XXV, you're a fucking loser.
4. Respect the Friendly Quit.
I'm not saying respect the friendly quit if someone is down big in the 4th quarter and trying to avoid a loss on their record, fuck that. Make them quit for real, but if you're matched up with someone using the same team (it's ridiculous that Madden still does this) and someone requests an immediate "friendly quit" so nobody gets a loss, do the right thing and accept. The same goes for if the uniforms fuck up and you're both wearing white (which happens against the Cowboys all the time) or similar colors. There are way too many douchebags that will deny it, so they get a free win if you end up quitting because playing against the same team or uniform is flat-out not fun. If you're that desperate to boost your record, you should slit your throat with the Madden disc.
5. Don't quit when there's less than a minute left.
If you're down 28-3 in the 3rd quarter and wanna call it a game, go for it; no complaints here. I love making my opponent quit. What I can't stand (and admittedly, I've done it a handful of times) is when someone quits a game with like 20 seconds left because they're butt hurt they got stopped on their final drive. When someone quits, you lose access to stats and replays, and some people are interested in seeing how they performed on 3rd downs or how many different receivers had a reception. If you made it that far, suck it up and let the game officially end so your opponent can check the stats.
6. Use an accelerated clock if you're kneeling it out late.
Madden might be a video game, but it's still football. If you've got the game won and don't want to risk a turnover, I have no issue kneeling out the final two minutes. This sort of ties in with #3 and #5, but if you're gonna kneel it out, you have to run an accelerated clock. Time is valuable, and if you're up four points with 1:24 left and your opponent is out of timeouts, put them out of their misery and run an accelerated clock so we can bang these kneel-downs out in like 27 seconds of real-time. I can understand violating #5 if some douche bag takes two minutes to kneel out a victory.
7. Don't use the Kansas City Chiefs.
It takes zero skill to bomb it to Tyreek Hill with Patrick Mahomes. The game makes it nearly impossible to defend. Anybody who's played more than three games in their career can go off with a 99 QB-WR combo. I have negative respect for folks that play this way. Win 200+ games with Mac Jones, then talk to me.
8. If you're playing with a microphone, don't have music blaring in the background.
I have a headset but seldom use it because I have zero interest in mucking it up with my competitors and usually have something playing in the background. I'm not some maniac who exposes strangers to whatever I've got going on. I'm sure they don't want to listen to me hate-watch a WatchMojo countdown. Unfortunately, I've come across multiple people who use a microphone in Madden with music or conversations in the background, and it is a straight-up scumbag move. It's the video game equivalent of playing music on your phone in public without headphones. Yes, I know I can mute my tv (which I usually do), but sometimes you wanna hear what Charles Davis has to say. Actually, don't say shit if your opponent isn't talking too. You sound like a crazy person having a conversation with yourself.
9. Don't "ask Madden."
Be your own person. Call your plays.
10. Thou Shall Not Kill
That's just solid advice regardless of what you believe. It's just a game, friendo. Nobody needs to die tonight.
Speaking of the B.I.G. man upstairs and football, check out my spirit week shirt from my senior year of high school.
We lost 45-0 on homecoming the next day lolol, but I was STILL a key loss!