What I Learned In Las Vegas
Last weekend I went to Las Vegas for a dear friend of mine's bachelor party/ away for training for my other job depending on who you are reading this. Should you be in the latter this blog is purely a parody. I'll ask that you stop here.
Okay. Let's proceed.
Of the few flaws I have, I'd say not being well traveled is one of the biggest. It's really sad so many places on this planet haven't gotten to experience the doz man. In case you were wondering; my venmo is indeed open. I've lived in Rhode Island nearly my entire life, with a 2 year stint in lovely Jacksonville, Florida mixed in during middle school, and of course I lived in Nashville, TN for 45 minutes late last year. **insert audience sad groan sound here**
I went to Le Montréal with a few of the same people I went to Vegas with in June of 2012. I went on a cruise my senior year of HS in 2010, but spent most of the trip in the bathroom because I wasn't as into Dave Matthews Band back then as I am now, I did in fact drink the water.
Before last weekend the farthest west I had ever been was Milwaukee, Wisconsin when I visited a friend my freshmen year of college at Marquette. Besides the tension from going with a friend who's girlfriend I had just started sleeping with, eventually dated, then ruined my life, it was a great trip.
After spending four and a half days in Vegas/ training for National Grid I learned a few things. As a former/future educator I feel like it is my duty, as the great unrecognized blogger that I am to teach you, my loyal readers a thing or two about going to Las Vegas. Whether you've been to sin city or not, please heed/take headed of my knowledge to better enjoy your next trip out West. Although the list is numbered, these are in no particular order, just wanted it to be easier for you to add up all the things you learned from what I learned about Las Vegas/ NG training.
1. Have Your License Ready Because You're Going To Get ID'd For EVERYTHING
As a 26 year old I can't stand getting ID'D. It's such a fucking hassle, brother/sister.
I'm over getting ID'd for at least the next 10 years. Then when it happens I'll officially be in the "I'm flattered they think I'm this young" territory. Until then, fucking stop.
Getting ID'd was cool at first when I was 21. I could stick it to the bartender/liquor store employee that I am in fact of age. Now it's just one more thing to do, and if there's one thing I hate doing; it's things. I'm huge with a beard. If you think I'm under 21 that means you think I was born in 1997 or later. You really think my fat ass was born after Biggie got shot? Nah dude. I can vaguely remember watching Princess Diana car crash coverage so yeah I think I can get a bud light without you busting my balls to see my ID.
Part of me understands why they do it, mainly to cover their ass with kids trying to drink and gamble, which is cool, but it is just excessive AF. Any time I got a drink, I was ID'd. Literally every time. If fitbits counted how many times you reached for your wallet I would've hit the 10,000 step mark. I drank and paid for it nearly every time NBD. If you're watching someone gamble and not even partaking on the fun like a small baller it doesn't matter...still getting ID'd. If I had donated to any of the multiple bums I saw I would bet they'd ask me for ID too. I would suggest getting one of those cases that they give NFL season ticket holders to just put your license in to save time.
2. Locals Get To Do Shit For Cheaper
I feel like I didn't word that correctly, but after two years on the blog that shouldn't surprise you. This one isn't necessarily the funniest thing in the world, just something I found interesting and kind of nice of Las Vegas. At many locations in the heart of Vegas they have local rates for Nevada residents. I thought that was a nice gesture because they very easily could be like no fuck you we're gonna charge you $23 for a $15 burger too, but they don't. Claps for you Las Vegas. Worked out real well for us because we hung out with a couple dudes from Gansett who live in Vegas now.
3. Make Sure You Bring Comfortable Shoes
I fucked up, I took Emaka Ofakor and only brought one pair of sneakers (vans). Boy, oh boy did my feet pay the price. I went shopping and got some new gear for the trip, including the aforementioned vans. Big mistake by ole dozo. They weren't even that stylish and made my feet scream like Chester Bennington (RIPIP). Unless you're lucky enough to acquire a rascal scooter you're gonna be doing a lot of walking in Vegas. Do your dogs a favor and bring shoes that don't make you wish you were a dead guy, like Chester. I cannot stress enough the importance of wearing comfortable shoes while you're out exploring.
4. In-N-Out Burger is Totally Worth The Hype
I didn't take a lot of pictures of my trip, but one I did was the standard In-N-Out plate pic. I'm sure I'll instagram someday. I wrote about the best fast food back in 2016 apparently-today-is-nationalfastfoodday-im-here-to-get-the-debate-started-on-best-and-worst-fast-food-joints.html and did not include In-N-Out simply because I've never had it. If I were to update the list I think it'd earn the top spot. It did not disappoint. Animal Style fries strengthen my faith in the Lord. Plus it was relatively cheap for being in Vegas, so I bet had I been to a regular In-N-Out I bet it would've been even cheaper. Even though it's a small baller move, I'm never mad about saving money.
5. The West Coast Time Zone Fucking SUCKS
Between late nights from being there for a bachelor party, and waking up early to watch/gamble on college hoops sleep was not exactly a priority for the first few days. At first I thought I could just survive not sleeping for five days, but come Friday afternoon I was ready to take a 4 hour nap, which I did. Slept through the entire St. Bonnies game which made losing multiple bets on the game easier to swallow. The West Coast time zone just fucked everything up for me. You don't go out-out until like midnight, then when college basketball starts at 9 am you'll be lucky to get 3 hours of sleep since you need to get to the book early enough to get your bets in. I personally hated it, plus when they have the start times for the remaining games during the day in the corner of the screen you need to do math which is not something I signed up for. Idk about other people, but personally I felt like a real piece of shit being out after 4 am and thinking about how people back home are at work right now. Then when you go home you lose three hours. Not ideal!
6. I am NOT a Strip Club Guy
I knew this long before I went out west but this trip just solidified it for me. I am not a strip club guy. I love titties don't get me wrong, but I'm such a pussy that I can't even enjoy being there. Instead of just enjoying myself, staring at naked women I just can't help but think about how this girl got into her current predicament and it bums me out. Who didn't love you enough? What can I say I'm a romantic? I actually brought up how fucked up these girls live's must be and it really put a damper on the evening. I'm sorry, fellas!
Plus have you ever seen a vagina by itself? Not for me.
7. There is Nothing More Awkward Than Being in the Front Row of a Strip Club When People Aren't Tipping
One night at the titty bar a bunch of us had front row seats! Well let me tell you, you better have the ones flying like you're a Wright Brother or else you're going to be having a really uncomfortable time. My rule of thumb for tipping was whenever the girl did a cool acrobatic move on the pole, or removed an article of clothing I felt obligated to pay my respect in the form of $1 bills.
Well at one point there was a girl up and I don't want to be crass but she was fugly. She must've been hired on an equal opportunity basis because was not even in the same ball park as the other chicks. Not only that but her pole moves were disappointing to say the least. Maybe her dad owned the club? Who am I kidding she doesn't know her father, she's a stripper! I could deal with a gross girl who could do some cool flips and stuff, but this girl was just sad. Stay in school!
She was not getting much love from me and my friends . As a former delivery driver, I felt guilty. I used to work for tips so I know how it goes. I haaaaaaaaated getting stiffed, and all I did was drive and jam out to some music. You're literally showing me your vagina. Even if it was fowl the least I could do was throw a few ones for the jesture, which I did just because I felt bad. Sure she asks us what was wrong, did she suck (which she did) but that only influenced me a little bit.
8. Being In a Sports Book During the End of a Game Is Incredible
I really am bummed out we didn't get to watch the UMBC upset in a sportsbook, but we did see plenty of games and their spreads come down to the wire. We were in a restaurant outside the book when Seton Hall hit a "meaningless" three pointer to cover and watching the reactions live were priceless. One of the more popular bets on the weekend were "first 15" which is simply where you bet on which team will score 15 points first. Those were some of the most exhilarating bets of the weekend even though I'm pretty sure I went like 0-8 on them.
9. I Love Redheads
After winning bets, nothing made me more excited than coming across a redhead, which couldn't happen enough IMO. Ask my friends, I think I said I fucking love red heads 197 times. Boy, I had no idea I was so into redheads until this trip, but they are now my thing. I will not sleep (except at night) until I find a redhead to be mine. They're delightful and rare and I am extremely attracted to them. If you're a ginger and are reading this, sup? They make the baby hummingbird in my pants flip its wings. That's a boner reference for those not following along. I followed a British red head out of my hotel (not in a creepy way, just pure happenstance) and man let me tell you, if I wasn't terrified to approach women I think she could've been the one.
11. Beer cost upwards of $15 at a bar
I knew Vegas was going to be expensive, but jeez man two beers for the price of a 30 rack after you just got a week's worth of my salary on the roulette wheel? Brutal.
12. Make Sure To Take Pictures
I didn't wanna get my balls busted by my friends for taking pics, and also didn't wanna be on my phone the whole time but I literally have zero pictures from the trip. We have one group photo. If you saw my snap/insta story you saw essentially every photo I took while in Vegas. One day we'll all be dead and have no phones to remember our trip to Vegas. How sad?
13. Don't Break Bro Code
Leave a Reply.