You're Given 4 Years To Train and $50 Million If You Win a Bronze Medal; Which Olympic Sport Are You Competing In?

You have 4 years to train and win a bronze in one of these to win $50 million, which one you think you could do? pic.twitter.com/bzdfUNsEGJ

— Sassbox Grand Supreme (@MissSassbox) August 2, 2021

​As I mentioned earlier today, I haven't paid much attention to the Olympics. I was interested in watching Skateboarding, but I was out ubin when that took place, and by the time I realized what was going on, it was all over.

I suppose I should say I haven't watched much of the Olympics because that's a more accurate statement; Peacock is not on my laundry list of streaming subs. I'm somewhat aware of the big stories, but like Peter Gibbons, I just don't care. I'm not trying to be cool or edgy; I simply don't have the energy to fake care about fake sports in the 2020 Olympics held in 2021. That's as honest as I can be about it without being disrespeeeectfuuuulll *Akon voice*.

As a blogger with a microp̶e̶n̶i̶s̶following, I respect the athletes who have dedicated their lives to niche sports that people sort of care about for a few hours every four years. I'm a big follow your passion guy, but I'm going to have some fun with a "topical" blog.

Every Olympics, there are discussions about the legitimacy of some sports/events. Seemingly everybody on earth thinks they could finish 5th in the Four-Man Bobsled. Of course, there's the age-old debate that if the U.S. forced its top athletes to learn soccer that we'd be a top-tier nation. Frankly, we'll never truly know unless Jeff Bezos wants to finance that fantasy to afford top athletes' salaries. Still, even that would be a little too beneficial to the American public.

I'm currently in the worst shape of my life, but that's only because I'm incredibly unhappy and unsatisfied with every facet of it with the social skills of a staple-remover in the wake of a global pandemic. If you told me I could win $50 milly by simply getting onto any Olympic sport podium, I'm going to stop eating ice cream at 3 am and care again.

Of course, I don't think with four years of non-stop training, I could have a puncher's chance at medaling in anything, but in honor of this tweet I saw seven hours ago and the Olympics, I'll give you my podium of potential answers. 

Bronze: Rugby

I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I was a key returner AND loss for a 1-7 football team in the 3rd division of the smallest state in the country my senior year. Even as I approach a dozen years since my last game, I think transitioning from football to Rugby would be easier than, say, Equestrian Jumping. 

Live look at me preparing for the 2024 Olympics.

I always thought I'd make a great option QB, which is basically 80% of this sport (I have phenomenal option pitch in my bag). I don't know much about Rugby, but I did see Invictus in theaters. If you gave me four years, I could certainly learn the rules to this inferior (to American Football) sport and maaaybe get in good enough shape to be the last guy on the bench. ​

Silver: Handball

I've got a throwing arm that makes Chuck Knoblauch, Johnny Damon and Tim Tebow look like Bob Gibson and Patrick Mahomes, but I'm not training to be one of those dodgeball type handballers. I've got a better chance at sport climbing than fixing nearly 30 years of poor throwing mechanics, but I was a lacrosse goalie in high school. Not a good one, I used my body to make saves more often than my stick/butterfly net/morning spoon, but I stood there terrified getting bukakked by 90+ MPH lax balls (yes they were that fast). Compared the Handball balls that's literally a walk in the park. Plus much like lacrosse, I don't think you're actually expected to make saves, which is ideal.

I lied, I actually think I could do this with the proper training.  

Gold: Shooting

As many national tragedies have shown, you don't have to be athletic to do some severe damage with a firearm. So I already don't have to worry about wasting valuable training time trying to shed a couple hundred pounds to compete. I don't know how long basic training takes, but it sure as fuck isn't four years. I think I could figure out how to hit a target in this time frame. 

Ironically I wasn't allowed to play violent video games growing up, so I don't have much first-person shooter experience, but I was decent at laser tag at my 11th birthday party. Being an American citizen, gun skills are already in my DNA. I've never shot a real gun, but if I picked one up, it'd be like Token picking up a bass guitar. I'm sorry, I'm getting too real, and as we know, it's against the rules to express your beliefs according to the IOC. In reality, I'm a white male, so as the...everything would tell you, I've got a lot of bottled-up rage (oh shit, now I'm making fun of both sides) so I would just channel said rage at the target like I'm Bobby Boucher. 

To any Olympic athletes reading this, I'm sorry if I disrespected the niche sport you dedicated your life to. What sport(s) do you think YOU'D have the best chance to medal in given four years of non-stop training while financially incentivized? Be sure to sound off in the comments!