Previous Dozie's Brain Dumps:
April 24th, 2023
July 10th, 2023
August 9th, 2023
October 10th, 2023
February 29th, 2024
March 11th, 2024 
April 10th, 2024
May 1st, 2024
Halloween 2024

As my much-needed five-day reprieve from work approaches it end, I lay on my bed with SNF on mute in the background, freshly showered, feeling like I owe it to myself and the people to write after claiming there was a 51% chance I would in my latest #everydaydoz post.

The time away from school/work was solidly enjoyable despite my anguish with myself lolol. I caught up on sleep, ate wayyyy too much cornbread, bro'd out a lil bit, and watched MY Rhody Rams win their first D-1AA playoff game in nearly 40 years, but I still feel awful.

Of course, there's the obvious. I was dumb enough to believe that the majority of Americans would do the right thing and not elect a convicted felon (34 times over) who's been not-so-subtly soft-launching fascism. Like, fuck me for actually getting my hopes up and wanting what's best for everybody, not just the ruling class. Apparently, attempted coups are not a deal breaker in every swing state, but that's not why I'm here. I didn't want to write this blog to bitch about how fucking stupid our country is (by design) and how terrified I am for the future. Yes, the after-effects of a surely on the up and up election with NO oligarchical (both home and abroad) interference certainly impacts my daily state of mind, but that's not why Dozie's here.

Things seem to be going well in my personal life. I got a promotion and am no longer a long-term sub. Your boi is just a straight-up history teacher. It's far from an ideal situation, but I am doing all I can to make the best of it and try to positively impact my students' lives. I also got into a car accident (that was not my fault) going back to work as a straight-up history teacher after lunch a couple of weeks ago, and I should be getting a nice little settlement. Hashtag blessing in disguise...still, I'm the furthest thing from at peace.

I've got about an hour before I start my wind-down process, and I have written about 8 blogs since May...why the fuck am I here? It's because I miss writing (especially "real" blogs..hopefully, I'll drop a non-brain dump soon). I have to get this shit out of my system, or I'm gonna explode. Idc who sees it (that's not true); I just have to let my brain dump without structured thoughts. Even if I no longer view my life as a failure if I never write for Barstool (which is a great and healthy thing), writing is still essential to who I am. I love writing. I should've been writing more this year, but I've been emotionally and physically exhausted and couldn't "work" during my free time. That was reserved for sleeping and playing 45+ seasons of Madden franchises to avoid facing reality. I keep thinking that maaaybe if I finally wrote something that broke through and convinced people to follow the path I have of realizing how fucked up (by design) everything is and that people actually have power if we come together (I know I'm really getting my run-on sentence swag going on rn, but bear with me...I've written like 8 blogs since May) then maybe things would be different.

Then I think about how fucking egotistical it is (which is funny to me because most of the time I have absolutely no confidence in anything I do) that I could've made a difference, but Jeez, that's all I fucking want to do with my life, and it feels like I'm not. I can hear my therapist's voice telling me that's not true, but it doesn't change that I'm losing hope and man, do I fucking hate myself more than usual for being such a fucking scared little boy. I ate my feelings way too much this weekend because I'm afraid to go after it and truly live the life I want. I'm so fucking scared of getting hurt. Idk how much more hurt I can take in this life. I'm not even 33 for two more weeks, but I am worn down with life and I've had a privileged-ass life. IDK how others do it. How am I supposed to do this for another 40 years? I've done what I can to adapt. I've accepted that I'm not a priority in people's lives anymore. Fuck, maybe I never was, and it just took me this long to see it, but when the hell am I gonna be enough? I just want to be enough for people, and I have done soooo much to improve myself, but it's not enough. I really feel like I shouldn't post this now, but I've spent so much time writing I feel like I have to...idk. Man, I need to reassess the future of DOL and what I want to do creatively while navigating alone in a dying empire in late-stage capitalism. There's one person I wanted to reach out to all five-day weekend but never worked up the courage. I'm so torn on what to do and really don't wanna even bring her up on DOL out of respect for her, so I'm gonna stop but fuckkkkkk, has this been weighing on me, which is ironic because it's also what high key motivates me to keep going with #everydaydoz. I know I'm enough, but my brain loves to tell me otherwise. Fortunately, we don't have the time to go into that tonight.

Oh, and Barmore just held soooo fucking hard on the Colts' two-point conversion attempt; that was some bull shit.

I guess it's fiiiine because of draft position, but it was still ass to lose like that. I'm sorry if this blog was ass. I've only written like 8 since May.

Previous Dozie's Brain Dumps:
April 24th, 2023
July 10th, 2023
August 9th, 2023
October 10th, 2023
February 29th, 2024
March 11th, 2024 
April 10th, 2024
May 1st, 2024

Long time, no write. Full disclosure, your dude had five Jack & diets tn and am on my sad boi swag after getting quasi-dumped by the latest fly in my web.

TBH, I'm not stressing too much. It just sucks to hear that when every chick I meet is like, "You're so great, but I don't wanna ever see you ever again!" Would've been nice to make out a little tonight, but my heart's been focused elsewhere since late February. Nothing else matters until that is resolved, and I've been terrified to make a move. My indecision is eating me alive, but I don't know what to do. There have been plenty of signals that make me think there could still be something there, but I'm also trying to move on. I've tried to move on, like I didn't give another chick the time of day until July. Still, I would give anything for another chance to hang out with this incredible woman, and I genuinely believe we have what it takes to make it (even after only hanging out twice). She's taken up the bulk of my brain's real estate this year. I'm so torn on how to handle this situation and probably shouldn't be writing about it rn, especially while safely buzzed at home, but fuck it. I miss her so fucking much and hate myself for being too scared to truly go for it (in fear of how it'll affect me going forward).

I can't hold it anymore like my pee on a road trip. I'm not ashamed to say I love and miss her more than I've ever missed anything. If I had 10 minutes to live, I'd want to spend them with her. Who knows if she'll see this...nobody reads DOL, and I've abandoned my Barstool dreams, so what is the point...at this point? IDK. I still love writing and always will, but it feels like a waste, even though I know it's not. I'm just so worn down by how fucked up humanity is and am fucking TERRIFIED of what's gonna happen next week. I have a terrible feeling that Kamala is gonna win the popular vote but lose the antiquated AF electoral college, and then we're all stuck living in the Gilead. Should that happen, I want OUT. By any means necessary.

Am I even gonna post this? Like who actually cares? I could write the most profound blog in the history of humanity and at max, like 28 people would see it. Fuck...I don't wanna be on my Debbie Downer swag, but I'm just being honest and ya boi is hurt-TING. That's one of the biggest reasons I've barely written the last few months...that, and I'm so focused on my #everydaydoz swag. Today was 214 straight *fire emoji*.

At least I'm looking good-to-better.

I'm doing countless things I desperately wanted to over the last few years, yet it's still not enough. Your dude is unhappy AF. I feel so alone and like life has passed me by. My self-worth is so jaded, and I'm so over living in a country where like 49% of the population is too stupid (by design) to understand who's truly at fault for all of the ills of society.

Also...fuck the Yankees. Sucks2suck and FUCK John Henry FOREVER.

I am soooo over the MAGA pearl-clutching. They're literally supporting a fascist regime, but cry when the left fights back.

The balls on these fascists to cry about "rhetoric" when they say shit like this....

This race really is good vs. evil. Kamala isn't perfect, but the new right is full-fledged fascist. Oohhh how far America's Mayor has fallen!

Bret, you are 100,000% garbage.

On the bright side, I'm a full-ass real teacher now...no more long-term subbing, which is another reason I haven't blogged much lately. All my free time is dedicated to the gym, sleep, and going OFF against the computer in Madden to feel good for a few minutes a night. Don't get it twisted; I'd still happily write for Barstool, but that is no longer the end-all, be-all dream of my life like it was for the last 8ish years. 

I just want a just country (and planet) for all. I refuse to accept the horrors of humanity and know there is a possibility of something better. I guess this is it for my drunken brain dump. I'll talk to you in December.

Surprise! The boi is back...just in time to get an official October 2024 blog out. Sorry for the lack of writing this year...it'll come up in the next post.

Alan Shawn Feinstein was more than a man. Like Del's Lemonade and Autocrat Coffee Syrup, he was a Rhode Island institution. If you attended public school in the Ocean State, you've likely crossed his path in your middle school auditorium as a Feinstein Juniahh Scholah (Junior Scholar for non-Rhode Islanders). He encouraged generations of Rhode Islanders to do good deeds. Countless benefitted from his philanthropic investments and dedication to education. 

When I initially saw the news on IG that he passed on the 7th, I was like, how did I miss this? I thought it was just Insta's typical trash algi. I even busted my friends' balls for not being on their A-game in breaking celebrity deaths, but it appears the news was made public today by his daughter and CEO of the Feinstein Foundation,  Leila.

In a world where evil is everywhere, and public education is under attack by extremists, we need more people like Alan Shawn Feinstein. The man's heart was in the right place. He wanted a better world for ALL and believed there was no such thing as "too small" of a good deed. Did he want his name on anything he was involved with? You bet your ass he did, but there are far worse offenses than wanting credit for feeding the hungry and funding public education. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little credit. That's what being a hashtag good guy is all about, and Alan Shawn Feinstein was an OG hashtag good guy. He made the most of his 93 years. I'm sure his family (seen and introduced in an iconic Rhody commercial) is grieving, but I hope they can find peace in knowing how much positivity their dad/grandpa/uncle/etc., Mr. Alan Shawn Feinstein was responsible for. Thank YOU, sir, for all YOUR good deeds. See ya later, Alligator.​

Damon Alborn is a genius.

Sorry I haven't blogged in over two months (we'll get to that l8r in a future Dozie's Brain Dump), but much like the Pats, the boi is back!!

HOLY SHIT!!!! What an ugly, grind-it-out, statement win for the new ball coach and six-time Super Bowl champion New England Patriots! Sure, the Bengals are banged up, and there's some serious Ja'Marr Chase contract drama in the Queen City, but that doesn't change the fact that the Patriots are undefeated in the post-Belichick era. Congratulations, Coach Mayo!

What a fool I am for not believing in my guys (I texted my dad we'd be lucky to stay within 14 before the game lolol). Yeah, I hit a nice little SGP, but that Pats ML hit sure would've been a nice payout and feather in the ole proverbial gambling cap.

There's a winning culture in this organization. It sure does feel nice to have a Super Bowl champion QB behind center again.

Jacoby didn't light the world on fire by any means, but he didn't turn the ball over either, and had some biiiig boiii scrambles in key spots.

For the first time in the history of DOL (I'm ashamed), I didn't post an NFL preview blog since I only got this much done and may have the blogging yips.

Perhaps I was wrong about the Pats going 4-12-1? I will gladly admit (once again) that I was extremely wrong about Kyle Duggar. He is very much a real person and one of the best safeties in the NFL. 23 had himself a fuckin' day!

This angle does the play waaayyy more justice. What a punch!

There are still a handful of Patriots with Super Bowl rings on this roster and one of them made arguably the biggest play of the day. 

Alright, I had to get something out but right now #everydaydoz has been my #1 priority and I gotta go get to 161 before PF closes. That said, I am a little mad at myself for not peppering the Pats ML. To be fair, I thought they had no chance. The Dozo Mush lives on.


P.S.

Thank you, Travis Etienne. There's no way I hit that bet without you.

It's impossible to tell this story without diving into my long history of weight struggles and binge eating. I don't want to make this blog gratuitously long (in textbook DOL fashion), and I also don't feel like writing/working right after my most intense workout yet, so admittedly, this is a quasi-rush job (it took 3ish hrs). I'm gonna TRY to not get too emotional or in-depth because this isn't a finish line, but don't get me wrong; I am super proud of myself for sticking to this unintentional bit that will probably save my life. Your kindness and support has fueled me these last three months.
​​
Here's the TL;DR timeline of my life going into April 2024 when #everydaydoz began.

December 1991: I entered the world in Newport, RI, at just seven pounds, 15 ounces.

Fall 2001: Declared too fat to play pop warner football. This the first time I can remember "trying" to lose weight.

Idk, exactly when...like 5th or 6th grade...which was the 2002-03 range: Hit two hundo lbs for the first time.

August 2006: Started my high school football career (I was a key returner going into my senior year and a key loss after I graduated in the local paper). As an offensive lineman, being fat helped!

August 2017: Move from Narragansett to Nashville to start my first legit teaching job (three weeks into the school year). At this point I had kept off essentially all the weight I lost in 2016 and was THRIVING socially.
​
October 2017: I quit my job as an 8th grade social studies teacher in Nashville for a multitude of reasons. It was a shotgun move and a total disaster. I wanted to come back pretty much after my first day teaching. #everydaydoz has lasted significantly longer than I did in Nashville. This failed move realllly fucked me up and completed wrecked my recently improved self-confidence for years.

July 2019: By this point, I had gained about 2/3s of the weight and re-enrolled in the Optifast program.

December 2020: Finish my 2nd stint with Optifast. I got to 266 after starting at 338.

March 7th, 2020: Eat #43burgers in a publicity stunt in an attempt to get hired by Barstool. The following week, the world shut down due to a global pandemic. Between the isolation, stress, financial struggles, the emotional toll of the Pani unmasking all of the horrors of society, and some family beef...the weight I had just lost started to creep back.

June 2022: Hit my highest documented weight (426.6 lbs).

November 2022: I started working out again and documenting the process. I recorded a brief video before every workout. I kept it up consistently until September 2023, when I moved to the other side of town. This move triggered a re-gain of most of my progress throughout this timeframe.
​
December 2023: Weigh in at 394 at sleep apnea appointment...oh yeah, I totally forgot to mention that part...I got so fat that I stopped breathing at night. I wasn't diagnosed until May 2023, but I wouldn't be surprised if I had it for at least the year before...maybe even longer.

April 4th, 2024: After realizing I had worked out every day in April (beast), here's the first official mention of potentially working out every day, as a bit.

April 6th, 2024: The hashtag "everydaydoz" is used for the first time.

April 30th, 2024: I completed the original goal of the bit (worked out every day in April).

May 15th, 2024: 45 day milestone post.

May 20th, 2024: 50 day milestone post (yeeesh...those eyes).

May 31st, 2024: The two month mark.

June 9th, 2024: 70 day milestone post.

June 19th, 2024: 80 day milestone post.

June 29th, 2024: 90 day milestone post (I did not intentionally wear this shirt both days).

Today (July 9th, 2024) marks 100 straight days of exercise. I didn't set out to do this, it just happened, but man am I grateful that it did. I knew I needed to make a change, but didn't know what I was gonna do. This whole bit was to hold myself accountable and as of typing this, I still haven't stopped. No days off like 2010 Wale. Obviously, people need to rest, but I am hooked on this feeling and wanna get this weight off ASAP as possible.

​Throughout #edd, I've usually checked in with blurbs on my IG story, but for day one hundo, I wanted to get back to my roots tonight and write a blog because obviously this is a major part of my life/story/journey/blah, blah, blah, but also bc I want to inspire others.

​Believe me, I know how easy it is to get worn down and just give up. I still battle those thoughts. Until like 40 days in, I felt like I looked the same in every pic and was kind of embarrassed that I was living out the Alex Jones meme in real time.

But eventually, I noticed I was getting less fat. If I can do this. You can too. No excuses. I kept living throughout this lifestyle change. I went to Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, a musical festival, worked multiple jobs, visited family a ton, and battled many thoughts of taking the early checkout...no matter what happened on a particular day, I had to work out. There were only two close calls of the streak ending because of oversleeping. It's crazy, but I genuinely enjoy exercising now. I promise you, you can change too.

As happy as I am to make it 100 straight days and LOVE all the support/encouragement/love, I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I cannot afford to get complacent. As someone who's lost significant amounts of weight multiple times, I'm terrified of re-gaining. Ironically, the fact that I'm going slower than I would like is for the best. I'm making gradual and sustainable life changes "the right way." 

I asked my Dr. about Ozempic, and my Dad even brought it up, too...while it was appealing, the price is just not possible for me, and it feels too good to be true. Who knows, maybe I'll end up getting on something down the line...but for now, I really enjoying working out. Eating healthy not so much, and I need help with that...but overall, I'm pretty content with how things are going. I know I'm losing weight while still enjoying life. I've done drastic diets before, and it just leads to cheating.

My weight has held me back literally and figuratively, which has fucked up my confidence and self-worth. I'm trying to rewire those parts of my brain, but it takes a while to update 32 years of negativity. It's a major reason I haven't written as much in 2024. I love DOL, but I went kind of all in focusing on saving my life.

Even now, I'm ashamed of this blog because I'm rusty and still not going as deep as I can emotionally (granted a lot of it is on the IG stories I shared) and have said "I" way too many fucking times. I haven't dove into the real reasons why I binge and all the emotional shit that went into me getting up to 426.6, but again...this isn't the finish line. I'm not satisfied, and I guess we can leave some meat on the bone for later. Of course, if anybody actually wants to talk or needs someone to help them with their shit, I am here.

I just want to be happy and make it in this fucked up world. I am so scared of what's happening in America and just ate my feelings to deal with it. I'm fighting back because I am worth it, and so are you. We can't just give up. No matter the battle you're facing, you can overcome it (or, at the very least, try to improve your situation). For a while, I thought my weight was why I couldn't find love, and while I still think that's a significant factor, I've learned that the way I treat myself because of my weight plays a central role in why I'm currently at risk of dying alone. It's such a cliche, but you really do have to love yourself first before you're ready to love someone else.

​In closing, thank you for reading this and sorry if it sucks and that I'm not skinnier yet lol. Thank you to anyone and everybody who's liked a story, messaged me, or even said something nice IRL (that means in real life, Grandma). I'm nowhere near the finish line, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the ride getting there. I love you all. Stop Project 2025.

P.S.

Since there's no "before" pic from April 1st, here's a comparison of me in January.

It's a start, and we're nowhere close to the end.

Double P.S.

Seriously, thank you sooo fucking much to everybody that's given the boi some love throughout this journey. A major reason why I ballooned up to 426.6 was because I felt worthless and that nobody cared about me. I know it sounds so fucking woe is me and depressing, but it's the truth. I had basically given up and accepted that I was gonna eat myself to death. You're not supposed to go through life alone. Connection is everything. My size has stopped me from living the life I want and deserve, but I'm taking control once and for all. Thank you for reaching out, whenever you may have. Stop Project 2025.

It's nice to see you again, loyal DOL reader! Ya boi is back for the first time since the C's clinched banner 18. Today's SOD sorta encompasses the two most significant parts of my year to date: my newfound obsession with Blur and today being the 100th DAY of #everydaydoz. You don't know what that is because I've barely blogged in 2024? Don't sweat...I'll get to it all in the next blog. Dozie loves you. Stop Project 2025.

Image Source

C's WIN BANNER 18 BY 18 on 6/17/24!!! (the numbers of the late Bill Russell, Hondo, and Sam Jones) I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR THIS TEAM!!!!!!!!!! LET'S GOOOO!!!!! SUCK OUR COLLECTIVE DICKS, KYRIE!

Crypto PP did it again!!!

Listen to those green bleeders giving the Jays their well-deserved flowers!!! After seven seasons & 107 playoff games together, the Jays are finally NBA CHAMPIONS!!!!

The field goal percentages might've not been super sexy, but these stars played elite defense and combined for 17 assists.

What a father. What a player. What a moment. I COULD CRY!!!

That's a great question, Jayson!

How about that Eastern Conference AND NBA Finals MVP,  Jaylen Brown!?!?!

Marcus may be gone, but his legacy of grit and balls lives on. 

The C's won 80 games this year: 64 in the regular season and 16-3 in the playoffs, highlighted by a 10-game winning streak over three rounds. That is some all-time dominance. The 2023-24 Boston Celtics are NBA champions, and this team has no intentions of slowing down. I'm just so fucking happy for these guys and also exhausted because I couldn't sleep last night. I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. I was at a music festival in NH this weekend and didn't see a second of Game 4, so it was like it never happened. Honestly, I was souped. I wanted the C's to lose and win it at home tonight like they just fuckin' did!!

This is the first Boston title in the post-COVID world, and while my entire worldview and relationship with sports have drastically evolved, the wait is ovahhh!

The C's are the one team that I still have that fire with. Sure we've won in it all in my lifetime, but that was 16 years ago, with plenty of heartbreak in-between. I wanted this ring so badly. After all the close calls, It was their fucking time. I've watched the Jays grow and battle through years of adversity. It's been an absolute delight. It was all worth it for this moment. I'm sorry, the blog rust is real right now, but idgaf.....THE C'S ARE CHAMPS!!! mood:

I haven't published it yet, but I wrote a brain dump at work about my state of mind going into this game. I'm just gonna soak this championship in. It's time to watch all the post-game stuff. I promise I won't have a 3 week break between blogs because I do wanna dive deeper into this incredible season, but here's that brain dump as I left it when the school day ended:

I'm trying to do some writing during my free period so I can nap guilt-free before the gym & Game 5 of the NBA Finals: Presented by YouTubeTV, but I'm struggling to shake the rust off. That's bound to happen when you neglect your craft, but with school ending soon, I hope to find the time to create again.

Every blog I've written in the past threeish months has started with an apology for my lack of content, and I am sorry for that. I hate that this is the current state of DOL, but the reality is that I haven't had the emotional stamina to write. Writing and freedom of expression are everything to me; I just haven't felt up to creating lately. I'm exhausted from existence. Like genuinely, what is the point? I could write the most profound thing ever written, and nobody would see it. I could channel all this ache into something hilarious, and there wouldn't be a single laugh. Billionaires will continue to rape the planet and her population while decent people like me get worn down and broken. I'm struggling to see the point when the worst people humanity has to offer are the ones "climbing the ladder."

It is wild how the C's are on the brink of a championship, and I've barely covered it on DOL. You best believe I've been bleeding/pissing/sweating/crying/puking green this entire playoff run. I was even at the Garden for Game 1 of the ECF, and once 18 is officially clinched, I want my first tattoo to be of Jaylen's game-tying shot.

(PICTURE OF THE SHOT)

The C's have brought me some joy, but it's mostly just relief when they don't lose. TBH, I'm souped they lost Friday. I selfishly wanted them to win at home tonight so I wouldn't miss it (I was at a music festival w/o service...I bought the tickets months ago before the Finals schedule came out). Of course, I'm going to choose the C's because of how it affects others and not just me (hashtag good guy), but if I could pick between the C's winning it all or having her back in my life, I'd choose the latter without hesitation. Nothing matters more in this life than love.

Even as I've been actively improving my life (77 straight days working out and counting), I'm still wicked sad and feel defeated for a multitude of reasons. I'm constantly worried and uneasy about my own BS (like being able to afford to survive) but, more importantly, the world at large. How do more people not care about humanity right now?

If I'm not at school, I'm either sleeping/alone in thought, trying to sleep, doing something to distract my brain from the fears and pain that consume it, or at the gym trying to better myself but counting down the minutes until I can crawl back into my bed. I am pretty bummed out about how I currently don't have plans for the game tonight. I don't want to watch the C's win their first championship since I was 16 alone, but the options are limited when it's a weeknight and you're 32. The few friends I have who are a part of my life are busy/live out of town. It's been years like this, but I still struggle with feeling unwanted, and that world has passed me by. There used to be a time when I stressed out over having to turn down plans in fear of hurting feelings, and now it's like unless I plan something out months in advance, it's almost impossible to spend time with people. As a spontaneous kind of dude, I fucking haaaate it.

That sucks, and it's a minute piece of this equation for why I'm unhappy and terrified. Like, despite the lack of writing lately, I know deep down I'm still fanfuckingtastic at this. I'm just losing my damn mind living in such a cruel, fucked up world. The loneliness does not help, lolol!

Go Celtics. Hopefully, I won't end up watching them win it all alone, like Stephen Glansburg. 

I did Glansburg it, but it's okay though...especially if I end up at the parade. Fingers crossed it's on Juneteenth so I don't have to that the day off cause I am straight up not going if it's on another weekday :/

Every player on this team deserves their love, but that will come at a later date. I'm leave you with this...HOW ABOUT RHODE ISLAND'S OWN, JOE MAZZULLA!?!?

P.S.

If you wanna get your Tom Petty swag on, this is the video for you. Fuck the h8rs!!!!!

Kind of basic, but incredibly accurate. #BLEEDGREEN!!!! Let's fuuuuuckinnngg GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!