Since it's summer, I've been absolutely dominating the ub** streets in beautiful Newport. The entire situation has me torn like Natalie Imbruglia because I know short-term this EZ ubah money is fucking incredible, but long-term, I need to get my career(s) in order, and the job makes that quite difficult.
Driving irregular hours has decimated my sleep schedule and blogging routine. Nearly every meal is fast food. The majority of my pisses are in Arnold Palmer Bottles. How I'm currently living is unsustainable.
The hole is a lot bigger than you'd expect.
I want/need to use summer break to make more content, but I've made more money in three weeks ubin than I do in about two months of teaching (plus I've been high key depressed and questioning the point of everything, lolol). I'm trying to bank as much as possible to put back into content creation/leave education for good/make up for years of spending every cent I ever made. In the past year, I bought myself a new Macbook for blogging and an Adobe membership that admittedly I've been slacking on, but there's still plenty of time. Luckily, today (yesterday at this point, I wrote 95% of this blog Monday) I did write something that generated income for the third time ever, so things are only looking up for Ole Dozo!
It's no secret that my life's mission is to become a Barstool blogger. I'm not cut out for "the real world." I know I've got what it takes. I have the kind of weird brain that thrives at BSS. I've written about that plenty and don't need to retell my pitch here; I'll let a hyperlink do that (although I do need to write an update Manifesto to cover the last year and a half).
So this weekend, my two worlds collided when one of my favorite Barstool personalities, Carl of Barstool Chicago, was in town for a wedding.
I wasn't like on the prowl trying to find Carl. That's super creepy and, more importantly, detrimental to my ubah rating.
My rating has since returned to 4.95 and I won't be taking questions at this time.
After no reply from that inquiry, I honestly wasn't giving it that much thought. I knew Carl was on the same island as me, but I had a job to do and he was not there to meet Ole Dozo. If somehow I ran into Carl or the algorithm put him in my Pontiac, then it was meant to be.
What ended up being my last ride brought to 41 North on Thames St. (which is a one-way if you're unfamiliar). I was going to go up Ann St., next to the artist formally known as Via Via to turn around and who do I see crossing the street with his wife, but Mike "Carl" Sterk himself.
Well, as fate would have it, I just hit my quest (ride incentive bonus) for the weekend (I completed 70 rides over Friday and Saturday). As my own boss, I can technically stop driving whenever I want, but now I was officially comfortable with stopping for the night; FTR, I was planning on staying out since it was a busy Saturday night.
At first, I wasn't 100% sure if it was him because Carl didn't have his mustache, but I was like 94% sure and only had seconds to react. As I rolled down the window, I said to him and Mrs. Carl, "Hey Carl, you gotta look both ways before you cross, brotha." Usually, I would be yelling this at a stranger without the friendly brotha because oblivious pedestrians are the bane of my existence, but I wasn't about to roast one of Chicago's finest couples in downtown Newps.
Carl was clearly a little surprised to get recognized on fucking Thames St. He gave me a greeting that I frankly do not remember because after he said I have great flow, so naturally, the compliment is all I can recall.
Just realizing now there's a typo in that tweet and yes I noticed on in the Biz Markie tweet too :(
At this point, my heart was racing like Danny Ricciardo, and I was not in a clear headspace. I couldn't believe how this happened. Unreal odds. If I had spent 5 more or fewer seconds yelling at pedestrians throughout the day, we might have never crossed paths. I was just driving doing my job and had a brief encounter; some may even call it a meet-cute with the Carls. I was highly considering DMing him to offer $500 and comped drinks to try and pitch him about why Barstool should #HireDozo but in a moment straight out of The Nice Guys, Carl beat me to the punch.
Thank God he did too, because with the gift of retrospect and texting my boys I realize offering that would've been incredible desperate and unbecoming!
So at this point, my heart is beating out of my chest. I was more fired up than a kiln. I was trying to find a place to park in Newport after 10 on a Saturday night which was more unlikely than happening to spot Carl and the Mrs in the first place.
Since I had already accepted my next ride during this whole exchange, I debating taking it but didn't want to miss out on a beer with a Barstool employee, so I had to cancel and put my rating at risk. The only problem was, for the first time in the history of my career, someone on Upper Thames spotted ME out and jumped in my car. This legit never happens. Normally I'm waiting for at least three minutes worrying about being illegally parked. Instead this guy sprinted to my car like he was running to freedom before I had the chance (I was looking for potential parking spots) to cancel. So this bro is in the backseat, and I'm like, "dude, I'm sorry, but I cannot take this ride. I've got a huge opportunity that I cannot miss." Thank fucking God it was some 20 something white bro or I would've had a real life Curb Your Enthusiasm moment. I'm sure he was v confused, but damnit, I'm more than just a driver! I then opened my center counsel, where I keep all my cash tips (until I post this blog). I offered to give the dude $10 for canceling on him while he's in my car because I genuinely felt bad about it (hashtag good guy). He said, don't worry about it, so on the bright side I already saved $510 that night.
I get super lucky and find a parking spot right by Red Parrot; throw on the tan shorts in my trunk to cover my ratty gym shorts so I'm a tad more presentable and walk towards the bar.
I was just at Red Parrot for my dad's birthday dinner on Wednesday, so I know there's an upstairs and downstairs bar. I briefly worried about having to search the place for him, but I see Carl and his lady at the bar and take the Barstool next to a real-life Barstool blogger.
I'm not exactly a conversationalist and am crippled with anxiety, so ya boi's brain was going wild. I felt nerves similar to how I would before meeting a young lady on tinder, except slightly less likely to get some play. I didn't want to seem like a Stan, but I also wanted to take advantage of this unexpected opportunity. I was hoping to let a little of my personality shine!
So I walk up to Carl and the Mrs., and right off the bat, I'm setting the stage for my textbook awkwardness as he puts out a fist for a pound while my hand is prepared for a shake; after a quick fist bump, his wife reached out for a shake. She complimented my shake, then Carl and I shook hands as well.
It was such a whirlwind that I really can't remember that much of the conversation, but Carl was super personal, friendly, and drunk. I didn't wanna be too pushy, so I let him do most of the talking and interjected when appropriate. I didn't even tell him about how I basically co-hosted KFC & Feits COVID show. Here's what I can recall and share from our 40ish minutes together: their trip to R.I., Newport, where I'm from/my story, how he got to Barstool, #43Burgers, The Red Sox trading Mookie Betts and the Cubs upcoming similar fire sale, podcast rankings, inside Barstool stuff, @URIprobs, weird fan interactions, Miller Lite, balancing life between content and being a real human being and how to make a name for yourself at Barstool. I told him about my Wonder Why idea in confidence, and he said that has potential, so if Barstool ends up stealing that, just know Ole Dozo thought of it first.
Two of my best friends were texting me during this whole time, and I really wanted to answer, but I wasn't about to spend whatever time I had with Carl talking to them. The last thing I wanted to do was text the whole time. That's super rude. Since my brain tells me that everybody hates me, the entire time I was worried if I said one wrong sentence that he'd be like, "And for that reason, I'm out!" like it's Shark Tank. I was nervous AF at first. Fun fact: I was to Carl's left on what has to be one of the highest French Onion reviews to date. Yeah I wanted to take a picture of him taking the picture, but again I PLAYED IT COOL.
I really didn't want to overstay my welcome or drink at my normal pace, but I gotta say I think it went pretty well. I had two Miller Lite bottles that I nursed to get as much face time as possible. Carl said he doesn't have much pull (which I feel like was just being a humble mid-west guy, although I trust him) but to send him some of my stuff which I will certainly being doing at some point this week after debating for a couple hours/days what I should send. Please help ya boi out by commenting some of your favorite blogs in the comments.
During our conversation, I felt bad that Carl's wife was sort of out of the loop because they were out here for a wedding, but she said she has plenty of time with him which helped ease my nerves a bit. She was a super nice and beautiful girl; I'm quite happy for the Carls. So down to earth. She took a few pictures of us that will not see the light of day, but I ended up snapping a quick selfie to not display my Vince Wilfork-sized gut.