Thursday's Episode of #DozVsTheDozen Was Its Best Yet, and Since Literally Only 3 People Saw it, You Can See What You Missed Right Here #HireDozo

​Despite what my actions may cause you to believe, I don't like to complain and be so negative, but I'm at a breaking point. What's the point of running a blog about yourself and the world around you if you can't get a little real?

All I want to do with my life is write for Barstool. That's why I sabotaged months of hard work doing #43Burgers. 

I know for a fact that I have what it takes; I'm a knowledgable (despite my sub-zero gambling cold streaks) sports fan with a solid awareness of pop culture that can make people laugh.  I have a weird brain that would fit like a glove at BSS. 

I write for DOL almost every day after work. Of course, I'd like to do more in my free time when I get home to help achieve my dream, but recently (like since my first day 5 years ago) the stress teaching causes me is like an atomic bomb to my creativity. I know people work more physically demanding jobs, but the constant shit storm I deal with is killing me faster than my eating habits. I can feel the years coming off my life. 

Every day when I'm at work, I'm like, "I just want to get out of here and write." Then by the time I get home after all the garbage that happens throughout the day, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. All I want to do is nothing and just decompress. That makes me hate myself for not having (to steal a line from baseball) my "best stuff." Believe me; I'm sick and tired of being miserable and not feeling like myself.  Some of my friends told me I'm still funny and it means the world to me, but I just don't feel it at all anymore and that terrifies me. I've put on well over 100 pounds since lockdown and have completely lost myself. I'm fucking broken. I try my best to fight through, but it causes this vicious cycle of self-hate and doubt. Like today, I am completely drained and just wanna relax, but I know that's not going to get me out of this situation. I should just "keep grinding" and write...even if I'm not there mentally and my craft suffers because of it.

In case you've joined recently, I've been running Dozonlife since February of 2016. Despite subpar grammar and reading comprehension, I've always enjoyed writing. In college, I took a stab at blogging a few times, but it wasn't until early 2016, a year after I graduated and was still "just delivering pizza," that this blog called "The Diehard Diaries" reached out to me to write about the Patriots. That's when I began to take my craft seriously and think about it as a potential career again. (After wasting five years lying to myself that I wanted to teach---I wanted to coach football because I love the game and wanted to chase the ring I never won as a "key loss" offensive lineman.) When I wrote for Diehard Diaries, I wanted to write about topics besides the Patriots, but they wouldn't let me, and that's when the light bulb went off that I should start my own blog. 

Ever since high school, I've wanted to be a sports writer. I didn't care if it was traditional journalism, blogging, or another outlet; I just knew I wanted to write about something I have a passion for. During my Senior Project, I wrote about my high school's various teams for a defunct website called "scoutRI.com," but in true slacker, high school Doz fashion, I didn't do any of the required mentoring. I met with my mentor maybe twice in person, and he just forged all my hours. I don't know if I can retroactively lose my high school diploma, but I do regret not taking full advantage of the opportunity (although, in my defense, my mentor wasn't exactly dying to teach me the skills I wanted to learn). 

When it was time to go to college, I wanted to major in journalism, but my dad, who I thought was paying for my school, essentially said I wasn't allowed to because newspapers were dying. Since I didn't realize how much of my education I paid via student loans, I didn't fight for my freedom to follow my passion. Now over a decade later, I'm stuck teaching in a failing school district, slowly dying by the day, getting next to no fulfillment from my life. I'd love to quit, but I have no other skills, nowhere to turn and have lived the last 5+ years with Barstool as my only way out. With officially one month left of my 20s, I can't help but get upset about wasted time and potential.

Regardless of whether or not I ever reach my goal of writing for Barstool, running this website has undoubtedly made me a better man. So despite a microscopic following, I don't consider this blog a waste. This outlet has forced me to grow up and look a lot of my flaws in the mirror. I think, scratch that, KNOW that writing has made me a more understanding and knowledgeable person. As much as I miss my life in 2016 and being 24 years old, even that "late" in life, I had a lot of growing up to do, and I'd like to think that writing has helped me evolve and mature.

Despite how shitty and unlivable life feels right now, I fucking fight through and go after my dream (despite almost no recognition or support). I need more energy to truly chase it which is why I'm trying to get my health in order (again). Unfortunately, blogging isn't my full-time job. I've kept this job that I hate for years because it helps me pay my bills and have insurance that I never use since I'm terrified of going to the doctor. Plus, it gives me the flexibility to write. What I've been trying to say over the last 900ish words is that I'm never giving up despite how dark shit might get. In this era where there's this fake emphasis on mental health (I'll believe it when I see it IRL), I want to be transparent about the shit I'm dealing with (I haven't even scratched the surface). Like I know I should write tonight, but I just don't have it in me right now. For a million reasons, I feel defeated. There are reasons why I don't make as much content as I'd like to; there are things holding me back from truly going full-send. I don't want to bombard Barstool with applications until they're like, "okay, we'll give you an interview." I genuinely don't want to be annoying, but I'm getting to a point where I think it's worth a shot. It's gotta be better than whatever I'm currently doing.

I'm well aware that I don't have much of a following and that I'll do 40+ minute live streams without a single person popping in, but episodes like #DozVsTheDozen XVIII are why I still do this. I had so much fun during that match. Maybe I'm just sucking my own dick here, but I think #DVTD XVIII showcased a little bit of what I could bring to The Dozen and Barstool in general.  I want to be a part of the Barstool team more than anything I've ever wanted in my entire life. Do I wish I had the love and support of more people? Of course, but that can all change in the blink of an eye. Brandon Walker was doing Facebook Lives with like 16 people in them two years ago. Sorry for the word vomit, but I had a rough day/year at work and just needed to vent. Thanks for reading all of this; I hope you enjoy the video! #HireDozo