Thanks to hard-work, a strict diet and osteotomes, Tom Brady has aged like a fine wine throughout the course of his NFL career. Just look at him at Media Day for Super Bowl XXXVI (2002) vs Virtual Media Day for Super Bowl LV (2021). Dude went from looking like Vince Vaughn at 24 to Brad Pitt at 43.
Brady's about to play in his 10th Super Bowl and if he wins this game he'll personally have more rings than any other franchise in the history of the National Football League. There's literally millions of other ridiculous stats like that about this man and his success, but that may be my favorite (potential) Brady trivia nugget.
Even though I was actively rooting against the Buccaneers all season (unless I had money on them; they were a weekly favorite in #TML) because of my personal feelings regarding the second worst divorce I've ever personally experienced; I've been able to take a step back and appreciate how great the GOAT truly is. Given the way the playoffs worked out I am rooting for the Bucs to win this game. It's a good thing my twitter following is currently microscopic, otherwise I could be a dead man.
I've mentioned it ad nauseam over five years of DOL blogs, but I've loved this man for the vast majority of my time on this planet. He became the Patriots starting QB when I was in 4th grade and left when I was 28. Brady is responsible for more positive memories in my lifetime than almost any other person to ever live. I've studied his career like Galileo studied sciences. I can list of more information about Tom Brady than any topic I/my dad/the federal government paid for me to study in college. I've seen every look this man has sported the last twenty years. I was talking about how I thought he got hair-plugs before you even took Tom out of your Top 8 on Myspace. I was going out of my way to say I'd let him fuck me out of respect (even though he'd have zero interest) when Osama Bin Laden was still at large. This guy denied me an autograph at Training Camp in '03 or '04, which shaped my fears of rejection and ridicule to this very day and I still had his back through multiple cheating scandals and one of the most disappointing episodes of SNL until it truly fell off during the major cast upheavals from 2012-13 to 2013-14.
That's why it fucking sucks so much to see him not only playing incredibly well in year one in Tampa, but looking FANTASTIC while doing so. Isn't that always the worst part of a breakup? When you're looking like a bag of shit, eating peanut butter with a spoon in the middle of night; while your former lover is out there getting hotter and absolutely crushing it. Luckily, I've never personally experienced that, but ya know? Gotta try to be relatable to the reader...
Most people have been in agreement for years that TB12 is a TB10, but there's always been an Achilles' Heel to his look; his hair....ESPECIALLY at Super Bowls. Brady has saved some of his lamest cuts for the biggest stage. Tom's had model good looks with cop-level bad hair for the lion's share of the last three decades.
Just look at these crimes against handsomeness Brady used to rock as if he wasn't chiseled by the Gods of Himalayan Pink Salt and plastic surgeons who aren't even posted on Yelp for Plebs like you or me. It's like putting a bumper sticker on a sports car. It's insulting. I know some of these were taken after games, but he wasn't looking much better before kickoff. Brace yourself.
I'm serious when I say this....what the fuck is that bro? Honestly. I get it, he's got bigger things to worry about than his flow or lack there of, but when you get plugs, you'd think you'd wanna sport something a little better than this.
Believe me, I'm well aware that Tom's changed his looks over the years, but at the end of the day this Caesary/over-grown Buzzcut has always been his default haircut. When Brady's hair isn't super long its always looking like a choppy mess with absolutely no style. It's like he tried to get a buzzcut with scissors. Does he use a #12 buzzer attachment? How does he even describe that cut to a barber? "Just make it just long enough on the top so I can't do anything, but not short enough where you'd call it a buzz." Maybe I'm just super out of the knowing the names of hairstyles game, but seriously what on God's green earth was Brady doing with his hair for like 11 of the last 19 years?
Then he moves into the swamp of America's anal wart...Tampa, Florida and all of sudden has more volume than the amps in Spinal Tap? WTF?!
I'm even willing to give you that his current cut would be optimal at about a 1/4 inch shorter, but this is a massive improvement from anything we've recently seen in Foxboro. At least there's a little something you can grab onto or style. No more of that sad caesar bs. I'm dead serious when I say Brady's hair may have never looked better and this is coming from someone on the record saying 2010 Brady was the best. I gasped when I saw this tweet today.
I'm still putting the pieces of my heart back together and even I'm enough of a professional to tip my cap and say Brady is looking like a fucking snack with this Florida hair. Not only is Tom Brady out here living his best life, showing the world that he's the best to ever do it, bringing the lowly Tampa Bay Buccaneers to the Super Bowl, but he's doing it looking better than he ever did winning a Super Bowl in New England. Pain like you read about, but what else can you say besides this dude is the fucking GOAT and that I miss you, miss youuuu.