Top 10 Fake Songs of All Time
If someone offered me a chance to spin a roulette wheel where red got me hired by Barstool, black killed me and green made me formally apologize to John Henry for choosing saving 75 bucks over keeping Mookie Betts; I wouldn't hesitate to spin. It'd make for great content!
I don't say that to scare you, I say it to show you how much the blogging game means to me and how much I want to write for Barstool Sports. I've already showed I'm willing to sabotage my physique for the content game. I'd gladly take a less than 50-50 shot at my dream job with death, or even worse, formally apologizing to John Henry (Clay Frick) for picking profits over product on the line.
Despite what I just typed, sometimes after a long day of hating my life as the covid police at lunch duty in between being a nomadic-sub in a petri dish, I'm just too exhausted to be creative and need to decompress. With grades due at midnight and ya boi waiting until the last minute to finish "grading" lessons that I pay $33 a month for; tonight was one of those nights.
Then I got to thinking "Dozo, what happens when you're interviewing sometime in the next 6-600 weeks and the good folks at Barstool Sports are looking at the internet archives and see that you said NOTHING formally on DOL about a topic that went viral today; a topic that might as well have tagged @dozonlife in the tweet since it's so tailor made for you?"
That's when I knew it was time to open up the ole laptop and get to work. If there's one thing I love more than music, it's fake music from tv and film. I knew I had to give my two cents to my maaaaybe eight readers; even though I already gave an answer on twitter dot come to my nearly 100 followers.
Now I'll be the first to admit my depth of knowledge with mainstream TV and Movies could be better. The first R rated movie I ever saw in theaters was Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo. Your Top 10 list could very well be 10 different songs from mine. Hell, mine could be too in the next 24 hours. I can't even remember what I fake taught to kids who don't speak the same language as me eight hours ago. This Top 10 List is more of the WatchMojo variety top 10; where if I look back in a few days and think "how the hell did I forget ___________?" I can always release a follow up blog "ANOTHER Top 10 Fake Songs of All Time".
But until then, as of well past 10 pm on November 23rd, 2020 here's the DOL Top 10 Fake Songs of All Time. This really could just be a list dedicated to the work of Fred Armisen and Bill Hader, so I limited to only two songs from Documentary Now! Enjoy!
Honorable Mention: "My World is Over" Diane Dane (That Thing You Do)
Absolute shame there's no video to accompany this fake classic from the Playtone Galaxy of Stars. Sorry Del Paxton, but this is the only non-Wonder song from That Thing You Do! worth paying homage. I know every word.
10. "Ring Around The Rosie" Jackie Q (Get Him To The Greek)
In a movie full of fantastic music, I could've easily picked "Furry Walls", "The Clap", even "African Child", but you're gonna get those from your mom and pop blogs. In the eyes (or ears) of Ole Dozo the title of funniest/best/most worthy of this list song from Get Him To The Greek is talking about Jackie Q's asssss hole.
9. "Sweet Victory" Bikini Bottom Superband (Spongebob Squarepants)
"Nostalgia, its delicate, but potent"- Don Draper.
When I watched the Spongebob Squarepants pilot live as a young boy who only knew pilots as the people who flew airplanes, I would've never guessed it'd still be on television as I approach 30 years old (12.5 months; gross). Like most middle schoolers of the early-mid 2000's, I was OBSESSED with Spongebob. In the days before Youtube finding this episode on TV was a real treat. My mom probably has a VHS tape of this song in a storage unit somewhere.
8. "3 Small Words" Josie & The Pussycats"
I saw this movie in theaters when pop punk hadn't even hit its peak yet. Josie & The Pussycats still holds a special place in my heart to this day; I almost watched it on HBOMax this weekend, but ultimately went with the Social Dilemma on Netflix (lots to still unpack there) because I felt like ruining my night. I referenced this song back when COVID was just a baby back in March and ended up listening to the Josie soundtrack ("Pretend To Be Nice" is fantastic too) enough that it'll register on my Apple Music 2020 Replay.
7. "Rock Got No Reason" School of Rock (School of Rock)
I JUST watched this within the last week at my grandmas, so it's somewhat fresh in my mind, but it would've made the cut regardless. You can talk about how "great" Lebron James is until you're blue in the face, but look at this cast for a second. Most don't even have wikipedia pages!
What kid other than Miranda Cosgrove accomplished anything of note (pun somewhat intended) after SOR? Jack Black dragged this cast of nobody child actors to the highest grossing musical comedy of all time (until 2015) and a stint on Broad-way **Gil Faizon voice**. Whenever I see that ass hole dad who bought his son a guitar, but refused to let him play ROCK and the almost problematic trope of an Asian father share that moment of "maybe, I'll accept my son for who he his?" a tear rolls down my cheek like that definitely problematic Indian from the 70's.
6. "Day Man" From the Stage Adaptation of Nightman Cometh (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
One of the best episodes from one of the best shows of the last 20 years. What more needs to be said? How about?
"DiD yOu KnOw ChArLie AnD tHe WaItReSs ArE mArRiEd iN rEaL lIFe?"
5. "Holiday Party (I Did a Little Cocaine Tonight)" Co-op The Musical (Documentary Now)
In one of the few (possibly only??) episodes of Documentary Now! that features neither Armisen or Hader, Co-op the Musical is one of the most John Mulaney concepts of all time and IMO one of the best episodes of this entire series. I had a span this summer while I was ub**in where I'd listen every song from this episode multiple times a night. Christmas Tips is a must listen, but this round (thank you elementary school music class) should've won an Emmy. Speaking of School on Rock on Broad-way, that dude with the sideburns played Dewey Finn.
4. "Dracula's Lament" Peter Bretter (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
It's getting kind of hard to believe I'm ever gonna be #HireDdozo, but when I finally stop being such a living-in-my-yeaaad-anxiety-boi and email Coley we will all have a good laugh and reminisce on the struggle to get to my ultimate goal.
3. "Catalina Breeze" The Blue Jean Committee (Documentary Now!)
Thank God for Sausage School or else we would've never gotten this taste of California straight out of Chicago. In this season one episode of Doc Now! that parodies The Eagles, we are introduced to the Blue Jean Committee and get to bear witness to not only 20ish cameos from LEGIT musicians like Kenny Loggins and HAIM, but fake music that is hashtag actually good. It's shame they had to play that Meat is Murder festival (spoiler alert) and break up at their peak. Fred Armisen is a genius and even though he wasn't a super good husband to Peggy, he'll always be one of my favorite SNL alum. Fun fact: Bill Hader can actually play the bass!
2. "PoP! Goes My Heart" PoP! (Music and Lyrics)
I am not so secretly huge fan of 80's new wave and this 2007 rom com. When it comes to music from movies "Pop! Goes My Heart" will get stuck in your head like gold and siilllllver.
1. "That Thing You Do!" The Wonders (That Thing You Do)
Obviously, I'm going to pick the greatest fictional rock band of all time. I LOVE That Thing You Do! and fundamentally don't believe the Wonders were actually one hit wonders because the music is just too good. "Dance With Me Tonight", "Little Wild One" and "Only in My Dreams" are all great, but this song is so good that it charted in the Top 40 (peaked at #24). Did that technically make it real? I'm not sure, but it's now 11:23 PM pre-proofreading and I have to be up in less than eight hours to tell the urban youth to please pull up their mask while constantly prefacing it with "I'm not trying to break your balls, buuuut" when in reality I'd tell any student, at any school the same in the midst of a pandemic that only seems to be getting worse :)
What's your favorite fake song? Mix in a comment below.
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