It's been three weeks since his initial workout, but TIGHT END Tim Tebow has officially signed a deal with the Jacksonville Jaguars.
No pic? Seriously?
Even after NFL Insiders confirmed this deal was imminent, there's been plenty of time to speculate what's going on.
Why are the Jaguars doing this? Can Tebow actually make this transition at 33 years old? Is this going to cause a divide in the locker room? What's the holdup? Did something fall through? Is there a power struggle amongst the coaches in Jacksonville? Are the Jags just trying to trade Gardner Minshew first so #15 is available? Is this just a long con for Tebow to get his revenge on his Friar Tuck cut on Trevor Lawerence's "cool" youth pastor flow?
I know that Tebow is a polarizing figure, and there's plenty of people who think this move is a publicity stunt/marketing scheme/disgusting display of privilege but let's just take a deep breath for a second.
Obviously, there is a significant marketing factor with Tebow being a quasi-king in J-ville, but how often do people have to be told: "this is a business" before it finally sets in? Most teams are just trying to make money and if they make the playoffs every couple years that's just gravy. Tebow is literally the 90th man on the roster; the Jags had 89 players before today. He's gonna put asses in the seats for a franchise that was 27th in attendance in 2019, help sell gear and be a positive media distraction. It's a brilliant move by the Jaguars. Let everybody worry about Tebow while Trevor Lawrence develops. Take the focus off of him while everybody is debating the ethics of a coach signing a player who helped him become the legend he is in northern Florida. If you're going to die on the hill that this is taking a roster spot from someone "more deserving," I guess my shitty blog can't change your mind, but let me ask you something. Is this your first day on planet earth? Do you not know how the job market and basically all of life works? Connections matter.
When you're nice to people and have good relationships, they're more likely to help you out. That's why people who are more successful than me go to lame-ass networking events; they work. Don't get mad at Tebow because he's like a son to Urban and also knows where he hid all the bodies (metaphorically with a 15% chance of literalness) at UF.
Tebow's the 90th guy on the roster on a team that went 1-15 last year. It's not like the 2014 Patriots cut Gronk to make room for Tebow. Obviously, his connections with Urban Meyer and Jacksonville, in general, got him to this point, but I mean, look at the dude.
He might not be able to play TE, but he sure looks like he can. That boi is thicccc and already making connections with his teammates. I know Tim will be 34 this year, but he doesn't have the football milage of a 34-year-old TE. He's like an old car with a brand new engine. Yes, a former QB trying to block defensive ends will be interesting, but I don't think the Jaguars are planning on using Tebow in the jumbo set. He will be a move tight end/Taysom Hill-type/cut before the season starts.
Look at it this way; if this doesn't work out, you're never going to have to deal with Tim Tebow, the football player again. This is the end of the road one way or another. He either proves everybody wrong or gets cut and goes back to cutting dicks in the Philippines. The way I see it, this has the potential to be an incredible comeback story that everybody should be able to root for. How can you hate a dude who puts on proms for special needs kids? What a dick!? Put any other name on that jersey, and it's something everybody can get behind. Only three other players in NFL history have been out of the league over nine seasons and returned to the league.
People told Tebow to switch to Tight End in the fucking 2000s; maybe he was a bit obtuse holding onto his dreams but again, that's his right, and this man did win a playoff game. Now is his last chance as he's on the cusp of it being too late to try. If I were in his shoes, I'd want to see if I could pull it off. Just relax, this is another storyline for the BIGGEST season ever.
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Song: Missed the Boat (2007) Artist: Modest Mouse Album: We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
Kwity Paye telling his mom on live TV that she's now retired was easily the highlight of draft night. While we're still months away from Kwity making his NFL debut, he's already turning heads with his work ethic and intensity during his brief time with the Colts to this point.
If you know anything about Kwity's story, you know he's not someone who's going to be satisfied with just making it to the league, not after all he's gone through. He's going to be a stud, and I wish the Pats took him at 15. IDFW the Colts, but I will be rooting for Kwity every time he takes the field. If he weren't rocking #51, I'd CONSIDER getting his jersey.
With the Colts defense in need of an improvement in their pass rush, finishing 14th in the league (upper middle of the pack) in sacks, many expect Kwity to be an instant starter/impact player. All I know is he's already garnering praise from one of the NFL's best linebackers. All compliments are not created equal. When someone with Darius Leonard's resume is showing you love, you know it means something.
P.S.
As soon as I read that quote, I instantly thought of one of the greatest coaching rants of all-time. WE NEED MORE DOGS
Except for a quarantine special last year, NBC's Parks and Rec(reation) has been off the air since 2015, but thanks to streaming, memes, and internet culture in general, the show has lived on and garnered a cult following. I am a huge Parks and Rec guy; I had a Ron Swanson shirt back in 2013, NBD. Jean Ralphio might be the funniest minor character in TV history. Back when #TML was 3-0, I got some serious miles from Chris Traeger saying literally. (Please remember that the Too Many Legs Teaser of the Week was +48 units in 2020 #HireDozo)
One of the marquee parts of the series was Pawnee, Indiana's own Mouse Rat (formerly known as Teddy Bear Suicide, God Hates Figs, Two Doors Down, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Threeskin, Just the Tip, and Fiveskin). Led by guitarist/singer Andy Dwyer, the band had its ups and downs (like when Andy *literally* lived in a pit), but when they performed "5,000 Candles in the Wind" at the Li'l Sebastian Memorial, they became Pawnee legends.
Today, Mouse Rat announced they're releasing a real-life album with songs and everything on August 27th. Mouse Rat is "re-releasing" its 2011 album The Awesome Album for the first time in honor of the 10th anniversary of Li'l Sebastian's passing. For those having difficulty switching back from real life and the Pawnee universe, the Season 3 finale that featured Li'l Sebastian's death and memorial service aired 10 years ago today.
Give us the good news, Perd!
Brought to you by Dualtone and Entertainment 720, The Awesome Album will feature the band's signature hit "5,000 Candles in the Wind", in addition to "Sex Hair", "The Pit" and 12 more songs with appearances from Duke Silver on multiple tracks.
Here's the complete track listing: 01. "5,000 Candles In The Wind (Bye Bye Li'l Sebastian)" 02. "The Pit" 03. "Sex Hair" 04. "Catch Your Dream" (Feat. Duke Silver) 05. "Two Birds Holding Hands" 06. "Ann Song" 07. "The Way You Look Tonight" 08. "Menace Ball" 09. "Remember" 10. "I Get A Kick Out Of You" 11. "Lovely Tonight" 12. "I've Got You Under My Skin" 13. "I Only Have Eyes For You" 14. "Pickled Ginger" (Performed By Land Ho!) 15. "Cold Water" (Performed By Land Ho!'s Scott Tanner w/ Dick Silver)
As a lover of fake bands and songs, I might have to actually buy this album IRL. I'm not a vinyl guy, but I appreciate those who resort to using inferior technology to support the arts. I'm just more of a "have access to every song ever" with my phone and Blutooth speaker kind of guy, but to each their own. I know you're better than me. With colorful special additions like "Flush With Cash" green, "Cherry Gergich" and Duke Silver, I might have to bite the bullet and cop a physical record. Plus I think it'd be hilarious for my first ever vinyl to be from a fake band.
P.S.
To end this blog in super niche, true DOL fashion, did anybody else ever get serious Fred Mascherino vibes from Burly? He was like a midwestern, meat-eating version of the former Taking Back Sunday guitarist. I've got a bad feeling about this phenomenal reference going over everybody's head! #ProveMeWrong by sounding off in the comments with support! Song: Battle of Who Could Care Less (Live) Artist: Ben Folds Five Album: Whatever and Ever, Amen (1997) I'm almost positive this has been a SOD before, but after six calendar years of blogging, there's bound to be a repeat or five. This and "Song For the Dumped" are two of my all-time favorite scream-along-in-the-car songs. Who needs a guitar to rock? Rhode Island's Own Liz Beisel is Going to Swim From Point Judith to Block Island to #BlockCancer5/18/2021
I don't know Liz Beisel personally, but being a Rhode Islander from the next town over, I know plenty of people who do. I do have a minor connection with her! Back in the summer of 2008, when she was busy making her Olympic debut at just 15 years old, I washed dishes with her brother on Saturday nights (not during her swims, obvi)! As a high schooler in southern Rhode Island at the time, her name was EVERYWHERE. Everybody knew her story. A 15-year-old North Kingstown student competing in the Olympics was THE story of the summer after the Celtics winning it all.
Beisel swam at the University of Florida, making the U.S. Olympic Swim Team in 2012 and again in 2016 as team captain, winning two medals in the process. While it's basically scrubbed from her Wikipedia page (a huge accomplishment for anybody from Rhode Island), Liz appeared on season 39 of Survivor, published a book, and now is going to attempt to swim from Point Judith to Block Island on August 30th to raise money for Swim Across America, a non-profit dedicated to funding cancer research, and clinical trials. Her goal is currently $25,000, but I know with the help of my massive readership base, she can cruise past that.
CAUSE: Swim Across America is a national non-profit that runs swimming-related events throughout the country to support cancer research at the most highly recognized hospitals and institutions. To date, $100 million has been granted nationwide over the last 35 years and more than 100 Olympians have participated in SAA events.
THE SWIM: On August 30, 2021, Elizabeth Beisel (with the help of her incredible support staff) will attempt to be the first woman to swim the 20km (12.4 mile) route from Pt. Judith, RI to Block Island, RI. Elizabeth will adhere to Marathon Swimmers Federation rules throughout the entirety of her swim. The swim will be nonstop and unassisted.My name is Elizabeth Beisel and I am a swimmer. I have competed for the United States in the 2008, 2012, and 2016 Olympic Games and have won a couple Olympic medals, but my swimming career and accomplishments pale in comparison as to why I'm here today. On Christmas Day 2020, my family received the news that someone we love dearly was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. While this news was shocking, our family has been nothing but hopeful that our loved one will beat this, no matter how hard the fight. After a few weeks of fully processing the diagnosis and researching the disease itself, I quickly realized what my family was going through was sadly all too common. According to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime, meaning at some point the vast majority of us will face cancer in some way, shape, or form. While reading these staggering statistics, I felt the overwhelming need to help anyone and everyone battling this dreadful disease. I figured with my swimming platform (albeit small, but mighty!) the most impactful way I could help would be through a charity swim. I chose to swim from Pt. Judith to Block Island, something that I've wanted to do since I was a little girl. I named the swim "Block Cancer" and teamed up with Swim Across America. 100% of funds raised will be donated to cancer research and clinical trials. Welcome to Block Cancer. Thank you for joining the fight.
THE CAUSE: Swim Across America is a national non-profit that runs swimming-related events throughout the country to support cancer research at the most highly recognized hospitals and institutions. To date, $100 million has been granted nationwide over the last 35 years and more than 100 Olympians have participated in SAA events.
THE SWIM: On August 30, 2021, Elizabeth Beisel (with the help of her incredible support staff) will attempt to be the first woman to swim the 20km (12.4 mile) route from Pt. Judith, RI to Block Island, RI. Elizabeth will adhere to Marathon Swimmers Federation rules throughout the entirety of her swim. The swim will be nonstop and unassisted
Talk about a perfectly cute but practical hashtag, what a play on words! I don't know much about swimming, but I do know it's super fucking hard. I've never gotten past a doggy paddle. In an Ironman, the swim is "only 2.4 miles". Add another 10 (12.4 total), and you've got the distance between Pt. Judy and the Block. By comparison, the English Channel, perhaps the most famous non-pool swim, is about 21 miles.
Everybody has been affected by cancer in one way or another. I'm proud to say my grandmother is 2-0 against various bouts of the pre-COVID "Big C." Unfortunately, not all stories are as happy as that, I have too many friends who've lost parents to this cruel disease. I have multiple family members currently battling with not excellent prognoses, but the point is we've all been impacted by cancer.
I feel like, especially during COVID, people have sort of forgotten there's other diseases and health issues out there that still need help. As of today, Smallpox is the only ever entirely eradicated disease, so every cent helps in the fight for a cure. I unequivocally support this cause and all anti-cancer foundations (a pretty brave stance, I know). Whenever I eventually cut my gorgeous, silky hair, it will be used to make a wig for something going through Chemo (hashtag good guy). Until then, this is too good of a cause and too fire of a design to not support!
If you're interested in donating or buying any of the merch to help support this cause, please visit swimacrossamerica.com to #BlockCancer. Best of luck, Liz! You've got Ole Dozo's support!
P.S.
As is tradition. With the success and buzz created by the 8-9 play-in game during the COVID bubble (which feels like three weeks ago), the NBA decided to expand the playoffs with a play-in tournament this year on a trial basis for the 7-10 seeds in each conference. These graphics will do a much better job of explaining how said tourney works, even though that basically says it all. If the Celtics win tonight, they're the 7 seed and face Brooklyn in a best of 7 series in the first round that will, at best, end in a gentleman's sweep. If they lose to the Wizards, they play the winner of Pacers vs. Hornets for the 8 seed on Thursday. If they lose that game, they're all the way out—no playoffs for the C's. I'm rooting for the Celtics to win the NBA Championship in the same way that I'm rooting for Heather Graham to ask me out (you can have your celebrity crushes, I'll have mine). Of course, I'd want to see it happen, but I'm not holding my breath and letting it ruin my day, should it not. (She's 51 years old!!!)
Once Jaylen Brown went down, those microscopic glimmers of hope that the Js and company would "figure it out" went out the window. This probably isn't the best take for an aspiring sports blogger to have, but I just don't care about this team. I'm ready for it to be over so I can stop feeling guilty about watching about 1.5 games per week. It's been an incredibly frustrating season. They'll beat the Suns, then lose to the Thunder. No Heart like 21 Savage & Metro Boomin. At 29 years old with a full-time job and like eight streaming subscriptions, I have other options to fill my night. It's been clear all year that something is wrong with the Celtics, and IMO that something is health. Like the other Final Four teams from the bubble, the C's haven't been healthy all year. Jaylen, Jayson, Kemba, Marcus Smart, and Robert Williams III have all been "healthy" at the same time for, I believe, eight games and went 7-1 in them, but I saw that on Twitter sometime in the last one to eight weeks so don't take that information as Gospel. The way I'd see it, theoretically, the Celtics best path to the NBA Finals would be Philly, then the winner of Knicks/Hawks, which would not be possible with a win tonight. So as a fan, I want that. Plus, should the Celtics lose to the Wizards, then they're only one more loss away from not making the playoffs at all. I would not be entirely against that. Maybe that's the wake-up call Danny needs? Get the Js some real help because this current version of the C's doesn't deserve a spot in the playoffs. I'm being the bigger person admitting it'd be better to see Russell Westbrook put up five triple-doubles in a 4-1 series loss than watch Jayson Tatum play hero ball trying to carry the Celtics intramural roster. Like COVID has shown us, sometimes it's just best to wash your hands of a situation, and I'm ready to wash my hands of this season. Get Jaylen healthy and comeback reloaded next year. Just try not to dwell on the fact that the 2020 Bubble was the C's best chance at getting in the NBA Finals. Oh, and I just don't want to play Brooklyn and deal with people saying they won the Paul Pierce trade when that is factually untrue. Signing superstars doesn't negate that!
Song: Say Hello 2 Heaven (1991)
Artist: Temple of the Dog Album: Temple of the Dog
R.I.P. Chris Cornell.
Four years ago, one of rock's greatest voices died by suicide in Detroit after a Soundgarden show. While Chris Cornell's lasting legacy should be so much more than how he died, it's crucial to reflect on what happened that night. We'll never know exactly what was going on in his head that evening, but as someone who fights the fight every day, I can completely understand how someone gets to that point. Depression doesn't discriminate, as Dave Chappelle so elegantly explained in Sticks and Stones. As society continues to progress and attempt to destigmatize mental health issues to help save lives, I think it's important to remember Chris's final tweet.
There was no reason to expect that less than five hours later, he'd be dead after that. You never know what someone is truly dealing with and that no amount of money can change that. This was one most talented musicians of his generation; he was rich, handsome, with a loving family, but he couldn't take the pain anymore.
It's an absolute shame that he got to point, but Chris' music and impact on an entire generation of musicians and fans will live on forever. R.I.P.
Mean Girls has had a stranglehold on October 3rd references since 2004, but thanks to the 2021 NFL schedule, that's about to change. Similar to Tom Brady highjacking St. Patrick's Day to break the hearts of five and a half states to announce he was leaving the Patriots, now when someone says, "It's October 3rd," the date will forever be synonymous with Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski returning to Gillette Stadium. Sorry, Aaron Samuels.
Not only will the greatest QB-TE combo of all time come back to Gillette Stadium for Week 4's Sunday Night Football game, but there's a solid chance Brady surpasses Drew Brees for the all-time passing yardage record that night.
It's already being hyped as the game of the year. Brady and Gronk vs. Belichick.
*Belichick to Brady during the postgame meet and greet*
Credit to the NFL for factoring in Brady's potential record-setting night and getting this game played early in the year in case either team is already out of contention by November. Don't forget that all 22 starters are returning in Tampa. You gotta wonder if they'll get complacent, having just won the Super Bowl.
With the Buccaneers likely not returning to Gillette until 2029 (unless they somehow match up with the Pats under the new 17th game formula), it's safe to assume this is the last time Brady and Gronk will ever play in Foxboro. Because of this and the obvious historical ramifications, 300 level ticket prices already have a comma. 100 level tickets are rivaling Super Bowl prices.
While I profited off of their success in the Super Bowl, ending an 0-26 cold streak in the process, I was certainly not rooting for them last season. That doesn't mean I don't still have a ton of love for Brady and Gronk. They'll always be my guys. It just kills me to see them playing in Tampa, but I've talked about going to this game since people realized the Bucs were coming to Foxboro last year. I want to pay my respect to two of my favorite athletes of all time.
Not to brag during trying times, but between ub**, my "real" job, the success of #TML, and a couple stimmies, I've been able to save up more money than I've ever had in my life. Nothing crazy, I couldn't buy a car or afford to live without roommates, but I can buy a 30 rack without stressing about it being $3 less at the liquor store that's four minutes further away than the one up the street. I could easily pull the trigger and buy tickets to this once-in-a-lifetime type of game, but I can't help but think of the risk in buying tickets to this game so far in advance. The only reason these tickets are so expensive is because of the return of Brady and Gronk, so what happens if they go down? It's not like SeatGeek or Stubhub is going to give you a refund. You're stuck spending a mortgage payment watching Blaine Gabbert throw to Cam Brate. No, thank you! But if you wait even longer, the prices are only gonna go up. Look, I'm not trying to bring bad vibes into the mix, but let's not act like there isn't a 20ish % chance that either misses this game. I'm not rooting for them to go down and don't anticipate it happening, but Rob Gronkowski isn't Cal Ripken. Last year was just the second time in his career he started every game. Tom Brady is going to be 44 years old this season. People used to die of old age at 44, like 130 years ago. While Tom's clearly proven Max Kellerman wrong, in a way, the cliff is always there. If it does ever happen that doesn't make him right, it's like predicting that someone will die someday. Kellerman gave the cliff speech in 2016! Brady's won three more Super Bowls since then, but the possibility is always there. All I'm saying is it would be a shame if something happened that ruined this matchup. Of course, I don't want it to happen, especially when I'm leaning towards going full send and buying tickets, but I can't help but laugh at the idea of this monumental game that the NFL is banking on having Super Bowl like viewership getting ruined by a sprained ankle or spoiled avocado. Song: I Wish (1976) Artist: Stevie Wonder Album: Songs in the Key of Life Happy 71st Birthday to Lil Stevie Wonder! |
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