As previously stated on DOL in 2016, I absolutely love Halloween. What's not to love about playing dressing up and enjoying some (eye) candy? While most of that old blog makes me cringe (we get it dude, you've drank before) worse than Human Centipede, some parts certainly still hold up four years later. For starters, it's still my favorite holiday since there's no family or present obligations; halloween is strictly about having fun and while it may be a controversial stance, I am pro-fun. As a self-proclaimed creative person, I love seeing the ideas people come up with, the creativity behind DIY costumes and pretending to be somebody else to avoid the reality that is existence for a few hours.
In any normal year, Halloween falling on a Saturday would kick more ass than Wimp Lo, but as we know 2020 has been anything but normal. Many cities have already banned trick or treating this year because of COVID and with cases rising in many states (including Rhode Island) it may be a better call to just watch Hocus Pocus for the 93rd time instead of going to a basement banger. Of course I'd love to go to some Halloween parties this year, but COVID, not the fact that I haven't been invited to any will likely keep me on the sidelines for the third straight year (and 4th time since 2015 because I was hashtag good brother and visited my sister in college with my divorced parents during Halloweekend 2k15; despite being pregnant at the time).
Just typing that sentence about missing now four of the last six Halloweens killed a little piece of me. I'm only 28 years old and am now fully embracing that I'm "still young" because that's what everybody who's over 40 has been telling me since I was 26 and thought my life was over because I hadn't found a career yet lolol. Not celebrating Halloween is the ultimate old soul move. I fucking hate that I've been lame the last two Halloweens because of work and that the streak will continue this year. I realistically only have like 15 Halloweens left before my heart gives out like the rubber band behind a single staple on a mask, so once COVID is finally over I hope that I never miss Halloween again.
Since I'm being responsible and staying on the sidelines this year purely because of COVID and NOT because I haven't been invited to a single Halloween Party, I decided to switch up the content and reminisce about some past costumes of mine, instead of focusing on the lack of Halloween spirit this year. Since I'd never lie to you (unless I had to, I'll do what I got to) I am going to give a completely unbiased power rankings of my Halloween Costumes from 2008-2017. I take pride in my authenticity and making fun of myself so lets both praise and bash my previous costumes.
Honorable Mention #1: Naughty Nurse Nikki (2008)
Truth be told, I do not know if that's the actual name of this costume, but that's what the caption on Facebook said, so let's just roll with it. Since I only wore this in a Party City and never actually for Halloween itself, it's ineligible for the Power Rankings, but I look too fucking hot with my glowing olive skin and bursting seems to omit this classic.
Honorable Mention #2: The Ghost of Fantasy Football Past (2019)
I know I said I haven't partaken in Halloween the last two years, but I genuinely forgot about this since I try to flush out traumatic experiences and this was just a semi-troll in between Ub** rides last year. I already spent far too much time on those intro paragraphs to switch it up now. Luckily, blog research (looking through my camera roll) joggled my brain.
Before getting kicked out of my fantasy league for good by an unloyalty, dictator commissioner while his group of lackeys (who I thought were my friends) stood idly by, I was kicked out for a week around Halloween for calling out collusion. Said commish had a pre-game that weekend and didn't tell me about it, so you best believe when I had a ride that brought me in that general direction I stopped at Big Lots, bought a blanket, scissors and off-brand sharpie to make the Ghost of Fantasy Past to talk passive aggressive shit to those fake fucks. Honorable mention because I legit wore this costume for 10 minutes before going back to work like a man!
Yes, I was paying homage to Big Cat here, let's look at the actual list.
An Unbiased Power Ranking of Ole Dozo's Halloween Costumes (2008-2017)
#12. Construction Worker (2016)
I mean yeah, I look fucking awesome here, like one of the Village People if they were Bears, but that doesn't take away from the fact that construction is a culture is not a costume. I gotta be better going forward.
#11. Fred Flintstone (2013)
The night I was Fred Flintstone will always hold a special place in my heart because it was the same night that the 2013 Red Sox won the World Series AND I won a handle of fireball at a Charlie O's (R.I.P.I.P.) costume party that I crushed that Saturday with a couple buddies at the parade. All that being said I cannot for the life of me remember why the fuck I was Fred Flintstone in 2013. Shit was almost as random as a 2007 scene chick. If I was with a Wilma or even a Barney it'd be higher, but solo Fred Flintstone is low key sadder than American Murder: The Family Next Store. Points lost for wearing a Sox hat instead of my wig, although if memory serves me right I tried to do both and still lived and died with the Sox at the time.
#10. Action Bronson (2016)
While the costume itself was fucking siiiick, like I totally knocked it out of the park with the exception of being too skinny at the time to be a convincing Action Bronson...but like Tahani on the Good Place, I lose points for my motivation.
Simping was definitely not part of our daily lexicon back in 2016 (or hopefully ever), but it certainly is now, ESPECIALLY if you're a 23 year old fuckboi who thinks being nice to girls is simping. Trust tree: I 1000% was simping when I was Action Bronson for Halloween because I did it with the sole purpose of impressing this chick I fell in love with on tinder two years prior who loved Mr. Wonderful. The story ends with me never even hugging her (but we did go on two dates) why you gotta do me like thaaaat?
#9. Barack Obama (2008)
My junior year of high school, one of my boys and I were Obama and McCain for the party of my high school. Super relevant costume at the time, so major points for that, even if it was one of the more popular duo costumes that fall. All things considered this was a hashtag bad idea. Nothing to do with politics (I voted for Barry in 2012), but everything to do with wearing a mask and suit as a 16 year old getting shit-faced in my buddy's basement. I had to beg my dad for a half hour to wear his suit and then had to be super careful all night to not spill Bud Light (we didn't fuck around) on it. Major points lost for a lack of comfort and unneeded stress about not ruining my dad's suit.
#8. Barstool Big Cat (2016)
Again points lost for simping. I am humongous Big Cat fan. He's my favorite personality at my future employer and one of my personal heroes, but this costume was put together solely in hopes of catching a retweet and/or IG like. I went to the Mews alone like Stephen Glansberg too which is never good. Between the American Eagle sweatshirt that I turned into a vest, transforming a Braves hat to the Cubs and being too big of a pussy to shave to the skin with just a mustache (and weak one at that); major points lost for being a hack. You might recognize that shirt.
#7. Three Hole Punch Jim (2014)
This photo is what inspired the girl I'm talking about in the Action Bronson section to message me first on tinder. Now I think you get why I fell so hard. Gotta remember that I thought liking the Office was a personalty trait until like maaaaybe two years ago. As for the costume, super last minute and easy which isn't always the worst thing, even though I'm sure I'll shit on that very topic at some point in this blog if I haven't already.
#6. Bob Ross (2017)
Not to be confused with Jerry Garcia, I was Bob Ross at a dead-celebrity themed costume party in 2017. Idc if your stonefaced or in stitches, this one's kind of for me because everytime I see that Justin Guarini hair and Hagrid beard I lose it. This may be a tad higher than it deserves since I basically just wore a wig and beard with my Casual Friday look, but who doesn't love Bob Ross? Yes, I googled "Harry Potter beard guy" to successfully make that reference a sentence ago.
#5. Fat Mac From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2017)
I should be on Inkmasters. Even though It's Always Sunny has been on since 2005 and has a huge following; this costume may have been too niche for my own good. I don't remember too many people paying me compliments for my craftsmanship with both the tattoos and t-shirt. Apparently I was drinking platinums instead of Rum Ham that night so who's to say what actually went down (other than me on the Ocean Mist floor)? Glad to see I got a few miles out of that fake beard in 2017.
#4. Lil Wayne (2010)
I didn't even need to put 2010 in the heading because the Four Loko is a dead giveaway. As someone trying to make a living on the internet I am so fucking happy I didn't use blackface as a dumb ass 18 year old. Nobody gives a shit if your brain wasn't fully developed. Dozie F. Baby and the F is for fupa. Freshmen 50 hit me hard. #lifelongstruggle.
#3. Russell Brand (2012)
I know I already used the word random in this post, but this is genuinely the most random costume I've ever done so it's super high for originality. Let me know the next time you see a random Russell Brand, not one of his characters for Halloween because it'll likely be the second time after me. I wish I could remember why I chose to be Russell Brand in 2012, but I'm going to just say it's because Get Him to the Greek is legitimately one of my favorite movies of all time. Almost positive my dad spray painted that hat gray for me. Instagram pics from 2012 might as well be daguerreotypes.
2. Miss Behavin' (2009)
Not to be confused with Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy's hit song, when I was a senior in HS I got to express my overtly feminine side as Miss Behavin'. You know I enjoy expressing my fluidity and it was fantastic to use Halloween as an excuse to do just that. I could've got dicked down that night if I really wanted to, I mean look at those legs in those fishnets. If Femboy Hooters was a thing a decade earlier I'd be at least a bar manager by now.
#1. Tobias Funke (2014)
I'm afraid I just blue myself, but this is my unbiased favorite costume ever and no I'm not fucking Violet from Willy Wanka.
Let's just get the back-patting out of the way; I deserve soooo much credit for cutting the thumb off the bodysuit so I could use my phone. Bravo, Dozo. What a brain in that head!
I went to Bon Vue and/or Chucks this night and when I told you NOBODY knew who I was, NOBODY knew who I was. Which is fine, that's how I liked it during my URI days.
While face-paint in a crowded college bar when you're already husky AF might not be the best move, I have to again pat myself on the back for thinking a little outside the box and not being like everybody else who was a super senior in college by dressing up as a supporting character's alas from a show that was cancelled in 2006.
That concludes an unbiased power rankings of every costume I've since 2008. Well actually, I sorta told a white lie because I used that prison outfit for a regular criminal costume the night before with my then girlfriend, but since I have to pretend that part of my life never happened it will not be included. I just didn't want to lie to the loyal readers because that's not what a hashtag good guy does. Also, I'm pretty sure I was a redneck in 2011, but there's somehow no photos of that. Oh well! What's your favorite costume you've ever been for Halloween? #HireDozo