I didn't blog yesterday because I got out of bed at like 3:50 pm after a brief wake-up at 9 am to take a leak, then again at 11:58 am when my original alarm went off. I was like, "what's a little longer?" Before you know it, it's nearly 4 pm, and the Patriots ruined the Colts yet again.
I'm not really working right now (which will get addressed later in this blog), and my sleep schedule has been in complete disarray since March when I stopped teaching and only worsened from Ubin late all summer (minus when my car was in the shop). I felt like a piece of shit for wasting essentially an entire day sleeping instead of writing or applying for jobs, so I was like, dude, you gotta at least go to the gym.
It's no secret that I've put on a significant amount of weight since the shutdown in 2020. It's fucking wild that it's been almost three years at this point, but time hasn't been real since March 2020.
I love writing, even if I don't know all the grammar rules or how to grow an audience. I appreciate every read my blogs get because I know reading can be a drag. Yes, it's a vital skill for existence that all people should maintain. Still, I get that with billions of different content options, there are other mediums that are easier to grasp people's attention or grow an audience. Do I wish my friends were more supportive? Of course. But I get that there might not be time to keep up with the inner workings of a niche-ass blog. My friend sent me a "humans of NY" IG post that had like a three-paragraph description, and it felt like he was trying to punish me, so I get why someone might not take the time to read My Top 15 Unappreciated Jonestown Tweets (Bangers) even if it is in fact, a banger.
Despite low follower numbers, I am confident I am qualified to write for Barstool Sports. I believe in myself and know my weird-brain would be a perfect fit. Barstool is the reason dozonlife.com exists, and there's nothing I want more in this life than to be a part of the pirate ship. I cannot picture myself doing anything else. I wholeheartedly believe I would thrive if given an opportunity, but I also have accepted that it might never happen. I've applied for the mass-hiring things and like Barstool Idol, but I'm so in my head. I'm like too nervous to send in my samples because I'm worried about being annoying or the potential heartbreak of being told no when I've invested legitimately over 20% of my life to this. I know this needs to change if I'm ever going to make it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
It's just that my confidence has been in the toilet for three years now and, honestly, the vast majority of my life. I know that's what's holding me back, and I'm trying to break out of those chains. Like most living people I have anxiety and depression, but I'm taking stuff to help (and it has!--at least with the anxiety).
I've started making TikToks for TML (don't ask how it's going this year....okay, we're 0-9, -9U, but I go like 6-2 every week, which should account for something, but does not in the teaser game), but I am ashamed to put my face out there and frankly myself entirely because of how out of control things have gotten the last few years. All this ramble is super-intertwined, and I know that my weight issues impact it all. If I get in better shape, it's not going to magically solve all my problems, but it will undoubtedly make me feel better about myself in all facets of life.
In 2019, I did the optifast shakes (again) and lost 70ish pounds from July 2019-November 2019. I had finally gotten my swag back. After a ROUGH go of it post-Nashville, I really let myself go. I dug out of that hole in 2019, but deep down I was always worried about regaining the weight I'd lost because that's been a horrible habit of mine. I've had significant weight losses in 2009, 2012, 2016, and 2019, only to lose the battle and end up fatter. I'm currently the biggest I've ever been, and it fucking sucks. I'm well aware that I'm the one who puts food into my mouth, but I'm an emotional guy (many say too emotional), and I eat my fucking feelings. Spoiler alert: the last three years have been brutal for me (as well as billions of others), and I've completely lost myself from eating the pain away. I had given up, but I'm not letting that be my story. I have to change. I will change.
I don't know what would've happened to me if Covid didn't happen, I just know I was in a GREAT spot mentally and physically in early 2020 pre-the world ending. I really thought that #43Burgers was gonna get my foot in the door at BSS.
It's so pathetic to say, but maybe getting it out will help...food is like a drug for me. I don't want to call it sexual, but I like almost get off on stuffing myself to the brink of popping. I don't know what it is, but I'll let get into a trance and just shovel food down my throat with no regard for human life like Lebron's dunk against the Celtics in the 2008 ECF semi-finals (a series he'd lose). With food as my drug, it's not like being an alcoholic or junky where yeah, technically, you don't need that to survive. With food, you have to eat, but the way I do is just not sustainable for a long life, which despite my frequent sui jokes and talks of the early checkout, I'd prefer. I want to be around for as long as possible, but I get down, bad and it's easy to lose hope. Whether it be from the fucked up stuff in the world politically, socially, and economically, super messy family dynamics, dissolving friendships, loneliness, or hating my job & my body, I cannot stop. I equate it to my own version of cutting. It's like a pain I can control, and almost a passive suicide for someone who deep down doesn't wanna die, but also doesn't want to live this way anymore, so I'm gonna go out enjoying something I love (super shitty, unhealthy food).
Like I said, super late start to my day yesterday; by the time I fully woke up, rubbed one out, fucked around on my phone, it was like 7 pm. So I drove to Planet Fitness and talked to the camera for a shade over a half hour in a ramble not too dissimilar for this (in what will eventually be the start of my weight loss video series) about how out of control things have gotten in my life; I'm ready to make a change.
I only did 20 minutes of cardio and a couple machines, but it's a start and better than zero minutes. I went again today and will again tomorrow. I have to make that a part of my life again; I can't wish to be healthier. There has to be action.
I just want to use my voice to entertain and inform people and try to make the earth a little better than how it was when I was born. Regardless of what happens with Barstool, writing and this website have helped me grow as a person more than my 2.75 URI GPA having ass could ever put into words. I don't want to be divisive, but I'm gonna stand up for what I believe in without regard for what people think (that's probably the only part of life I can do that with). Writing, reading, watching, and experiencing life and everything in it has helped me become a man I'm proud to be. I look back at who I was in the early days of DOL with shame and have constant fear about stupid shit I said before my brain was fully developed trying to make people laugh coming back to haunt me, but there's nothing I can do about the past. All I can do is move forward, which I'm trying to do now by improving my health.
I'm sorry I haven't written more and that this might not flow super well, but I just wanted to get some feelings out and write something tonight (Go Celtics). As I type this sentence, this is my 347th blog of the year, and with all the time I've had since being put on administrative leave for freaking out on a class that was trying to make me snap (I'm only human!), I used this time for good. I wrote 35 blogs in March, 40 in April, 50 in May and 47 in June. Then peak ub** season started, and I had to dedicate my time to the roads to save as much money as possible. I want to create more, and I know that with weight loss, my energy will improve, which will help with my creativity. I just want to write, entertain and hopefully make people happy.
I'm sure plenty of people don't fuck with me and want me to fail. It is what it is, but nothing will stop me (except my own brain to this point, lol). I know I could work harder, but given everything I've dealt with, I'm resilient and keep fighting. I grind. You should see the number of miles I've put on the 'scape with Ubin.
It might've seemed like I'd given up because, for a while, I did. But I know people care about me even if I don't get the validation I crave. Phones work both ways, and I'm responsible for relationships dissolving too. Not to make excuses, but when you're feeling like how I've felt, it's hard to reach out to people. It's not that I don't care, I just get all in my head about what to say, so I say nothing. I'm ashamed of what I've become. It bums me out that so many friendships have faded because I still love and care about these people. It could be getting older and busier. I don't know. I have just been spit-balling here, letting my fingers and brain do what they do.
When it comes to the future of DOL, I'm still around and have no plans on stopping. I need to make more time for creating, but I also need to believe in myself and send samples out there. I could write the best blog of all time, but it doesn't matter if four people see it. I'd love to be rich, but I really just want to have a comfortable life where blogging/creating is my career. Sure, not every blog is a home run, but I have plenty of bangers. My depth of knowledge is bananas. And I have the voice (in writing) to make it in this game. I genuinely believe that. Did I not mention yet that I created @URIprobs?
I've said it a million times, but I've known I wasn't cut out for the "normal" world since I was on Rosie when I was five years old.
I'd rather fail chasing my dreams than settle for some mediocre life doing a job that doesn't matter (although I would like to find a better job until that day comes, so if you know anybody hiring former teachers HMU). Alright, I'm done---no more blogs for tonight. I'm gonna watch election coverage through my fingers, but if you made it through this blog, thank you for reading it. I'm posting after 10 pm, so IDK how many views this will end up getting, but it felt good to let some steam out. I have to keep moving forward, and I'm proud to say this week, I started that. If you're struggling, you can do it too. It just takes that first step forward. #HireDozo