 Greetings, loyal DOL readers; it is I, ya boi Ole Dozo, coming at you live from my bed at 10:13 pm on leap day 2k24. I hate how inactive I've been on the blog lately, but ya boi has been going through it and feeling a little more helpless than usual. I mean, things are definitely looking up. I'm in the extremely early stages of talking to a super cute fellow 32-year-old lefty teacher; been working out consistently and haven't eaten fast food in 2024...I'm actually super proud that I haven't broken yet. My shrink and many others tell me I'm too hard on myself, so I'm gonna blow myself for a sec here. At the time of typing, I'm an hour and 45 minutes away from making it two full months without fast food. I'm usually awful with New Year's resolutions and definitely still need to cut out other things, but I am pumped at this point. Do I miss Taco Bell? Of course, but it's for the best. I don't wanna die and need to be healthy to have the confidence I want to live the life I'd like. I do feel better but also feel like I've been pooping the same. Idk I'm no doctor, but maybe it's similar to the weed tolerance thing when the more you smoke, the longer you're T break needs to be to actually work. It'll probably take years of fast food abstinence to clear out all the Cheesy Gordita Crunches and Wendy's 5 for 5s in my guts (s/o livy rodrigo). With Wendy's tryna introduce fuckin' surge pricing to Baconators, I might never return to one of my favorite redheads (at the very least not until I'm back in the 200s). To quote my favorite person that's also a band, Kevin Parker, "Yes, I'm changing," and like my little nephew teething, it fucking hurts. I'm trying my best to do the so-called "right things" while existing in this hellscape where it feels like nobody is happy or optimistic and the world is literally and metaphorically on fire. I know I'm not the only person out there who feels this way, but it fucking feels like it at times. I feel so alone; it stinks on ice. I get it part of it is "this stage of life," but that's also B.S. I'm worried my friends have outgrown me, and after 8+ years of DOL, I still haven't made the name for myself online I was hoping for. My tweets shouldn't always get zero likes. I don't wanna give up, but it's tough when you're struggling. In my last session, my shrink used this line that has genuinely stuck with me: "You can't pour from an empty cup." That's me. I live in this perpetual cycle of wanting to create but having nothing to give because I'm so in my fucking head and miserable about the state of humanity. I could sleep for the next three months and still be exhausted in every sense of the word. I'm not tryna be a downer, like I want the world be a better place for all. I pray for world peace every night. Gun to my head I am a God guy; I just loathe the Christo-fascist interpretation that is cyanide to our society. Believe what you want but don't force it on others. And that doesn't mean you can use your religion as a shield to be a bigot. Look up the 1946 project. Being gay is natural!!  This is a Brain Dump in every sense of the word; I'm only gonna proofread for spelling and omitted/extra words. I'm just spewin'. I've wanted to write about a lot of stuff in my time away, but I let other things get in the way. Part of it is because I'm getting more and more okay with the prospect of never writing for Barstool and having that "what's the point?" feeling (with many things outside of writing too). Don't get me wrong, I still want to work there. It's a dream of mine, but there's so much more out there and I don't want to limit myself to the potential things that will somehow bring my life everything it's missing. I'm actually pleased to be back in the classroom, but it may be because my current long-term sub gig is the cushiest job I've ever had. I'm in a fucking special ed math class. It's insane that I'm in this position like I'm a history teacher who was out of the classroom for 18 months. I feel guilty AF that these kids aren't getting the education they deserve, but like what am I supposed to do? I was assigned to this position, needed a job, and had to be able to survive. It's not like I do nothing. I'm great with the kids and have built some awesome relationships. I'm gonna miss them when this placement ends, but yooo I'm not a fucking math teacher. The kids are super diverse in terms of function level. I'm not working with like severely handicapped kids. I'm probably more autistic than half of them. But being back in the classroom has me itching to be part of a school community. That's one of the most significant parts of education that appealed to me when I "chose" this path. Back to the loneliness and feeling like I don't matter thing...yeah, it's consuming my whole life. Getting nine likes on my February Dump on IG definitely didn't help. I know caring about that stuff is stupid, but it's like a tangible thing, and ik my fucking friends are on there. Do you not like me? Am I getting shadowbanned for my wOkE stories?? WTF is up? Wow, it's already 11, and since I need to get to bed at a decent hour to be a fake math teacher tomorrow, I'll end this dump here. If you read this, I love you. Go C's. Our "democracy" is at serious risk; please fight for it. P.S. I've been listening to The Beaches all week. This performance is the perfect intro to these fun sexy Canadian rockers. I've watched it twice and counting.
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