Oh, what a difference a year makes. Last week 4, TML hit to go 3-0. This year we're just trying to inch and claw our way to the first win of the season. Don't panic yet. Last year TML went 6-10, but at a truly incredible, holy shit, maybe this guy is on to something, +47 units. It's the biggest season ever, and we're just getting more data every week; there's plenty of time. We all know the teaser game is an all-or-nothing game, and cause I want it all or nothing at all, there's nowhere left to fall. We can only go up! I'm sick of this 5-3 (0-1) bull shit, but it's not like I've been going 1-7 like my season year. We've been creeping towards a win at 5-3, 6-2, 5-3 the first three weeks. Today's the day we eat a W like Jameis!
And since I'm a feminist and it's hard to decipher whose the aggressor here.
Let's dive into the picks!
Atlanta Falcons +8 (teased from +2) vs. Washington Football Team
The Football Team's defense has to be one of, if not the biggest disappointment of the season to this point. Against a you really never know what you're gonna get Atlanta Falcons this could be the perfect get right game, but the Falcons really showed me something last week with their comeback against the Giants. As they return home for the first time since a blow-out week 1 loss to the Eagles, I think the Falcons at the very least keep it close against a struggling WFT.
Detroit Lions +9 (teased from +3) vs. Chicago Bears
The Detroit Lions are 0-3, but they are not a sorry 0-3 like the New York Jets. No, these Lions were on the wrong side of horse shit officiating (we're not gonna talk about how they let the Ravens convert a 4th & 19) that allowed the Ravens to attempt a 66 yard game winner. They hung around with the Packers until late and in week one when they were down 28, they showed a ton of heart, fighting back to only lose by 8.
The Chicago Bears are an absolute dumpster fire and the fact that they're a three point favorite against anybody blows my mind. I guess it's just because the say home field is worth three points. If the Bears (Justin Fields) somehow win this game do you really think it's gonna be two-score win? With Matt Nagy? Shit, just saying that name makes me wanna sprinkle Lions ML.
UNDER 57.5 (teased from 51.5) in Cleveland Browns @ Minnesota Vikings
I haaaate taking unders, but with two teams that have great running games, I'm hoping they slow the game down. Kirk Cousins has looked great this year, it'd be a real shame if he had a couple 7 minute drives that ended with an interception.
New Orleans Saints -1 (teased from -7) vs. New York Giants
The Saints haven't played a real home game yet. Back at the Superdome for the first time since their playoff loss to the Bucs, those fans are gonna be going wild. The Giants fucking suck; this game could get ugly at times, but the Saints and Jameis win this game. Don't forget the last time he threw a pass in the Dome (in a game that counts), he threw a 50+ yard touchdown. That totally matters today!
Kansas City Chiefs -1 (teased from -7) @ Philadelphia Eagles
Andy's first trip to Philly since 2013, a win he can become the first coach in NFL history to with 100 games with two franchises. This same teaser leg cost me last week, but the Eagles are not the Chargers. They fucking stink out loud. There's no way the Chiefs lose three straight. Give me KC -1!
Seattle Seahawks +8.5 (teased from +2.5) @ San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers are coming off a heartbreaking SNF football loss, but I think the whole Jimmy G. vs. Trey Lance situation will start dividing the locker room. Seattle is desperate after two straight losses where they blew a double-digit lead. The 49ers might not be the best matchup for a team in a spot like that, but Russell Wilson 15-4 vs. the 49ers and is 6-2 against Kyle Shanahan's 49ers. The 49ers could easily win this game, but the Seahawks keep it close.
Baltimore Ravens +7 (teased from +1) @ Denver Broncos
In a matchup of my original pick for the AFC's seven seed vs. my official pick for the AFC's seven seed, I'm going with my original choice. I love what the Broncos have done this season; they're 3-0 against teams that are a combined 0-9. Hey, you can only play who's on the schedule, and they've taken care of business to this point. This is purely a playing the numbers, using a teaser the way it's supposed be used play. If I can get Lamar Jackson at +7 against a potentially fraudulent opponent, I have to take it.
OVER 39 (teased from 45) in Steelers @ Packers
This is the first Aaron Rodgers vs. Ben Roethlisberger matchup since Super Bowl XLV. In the decades since, the Steelers offense has devolved into a putrid Joe Namath, live and die with the 25-yard pass offense. Aaron Rodgers is still Aaron Rodgers.
Everybody is writing the Steelers off here, and I really want to as well, but Mike Tomlin is a great underdog coach. I heard a stat regarding that on PMT this week, but I gotta get these picks out and don't have the time to search for it. Just know he has an excellent record as a dog as Steelers HC. Let's say 12-6 ATS (not officially). I know I picked the total here, and 39 is simply too low with the Packers offense. I think we can get a 27-17 type score to cash TML.