This isn't exactly breaking news, but my beloved University of Rhode Island is usually a little behind the times, so no harm, no foul. Last week URI announced a new secondary logo.
Yes, it is true. I am the man behind the ultra-successful Twitter account @URIprobs, which had over 6,000 followers at its peak. #HireDozo. It's easy to assume I hate all things URI, especially when I recently shit on their new AAU jerseys, but in reality, I love my university. I had some of the best times of my life at URI. I just want more out of my university. I expect better. I want a center court scoreboard.
I know what you're thinking. Dozie, how can the school that spent over a million dollars to develop the captivating "Think Big. We Do." waste eight months to come up with a logo that looks like a generic Madden 06 create-a-team logo? I'd tell you that's a more than fair question, friendo. My guess is they set this imaginary 8-month timeline, forgot until a week ago and just searched for "Ram logo" on google images. Found one that 5,000+ high schools have been using for over 40 years, made sure the nose looks juuuust enough like a dick for the average person to notice, stole it, changed the colors to our ugly two-tone blue [pick a fucking blue (KEANEY), Rhody] and bam there's your new logo. I don't wanna be too negative; that's genuinely not my swag, I swear. If URI dropped some fire-ass logo, I'd be the first person to soup them up and wouldn't wait nearly a week to bring it up on my lil ole blog. Instead, we have the K-Mart special again. I haaate the dark shadow under the horns. It's too busy and screams "we spent $75 on this." It's good to see URI get with the times and add a secondary logo. The interlocking R-I is boring AF and hideous with the Keaney and Navy Blue. I wish they'd used this as an opportunity for a total rebrand instead of attempting to distract people from how the basketball team has lost six in a row. The 14 team Atlantic 10 Conference already has THREE teams with "Rams" as their mascot; URI, Fordham, and VCU. That's already two too many. We have about as much history as the Houston Texans; this was the perfect chance to switch shit up and come up with something fresh. THAT would be thinking big. You could totally cuck the Washington Commanders with a better name drop. Instead, we took the cheap and ugly way out, which is so out of character for THE University of Rhode Island.
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Song: Elephante (2022) Artist: Pigeons Playing Ping Pong Album: Perspective I saw these guys in 2018 at a beach bar and got kicked out for taking a sliiight nap on the toilet; like that's some sorta crime.
There are straight-up too many streaming options. It's a full-time job to keep up with what's hot in the cord-cutting streets. Like, I loved Ozark but still haven't seen the third season because I haven't found the time. I'm probably setting myself up for spoilers (which I've avoided to this point). Please don't make me regret opening to you for the sake of an introduction.
They're expensive too; $10 here, $13 there adds up quickly, especially if you support DIY content. I pay for multiple apps and have a few passwords from friends and family. If that's what communism is, I don't see the big fuss, but I'm not trying to red scare you; I don't lean that left. I'm just saying I get it; there are a million options out there, and it's hard to keep up both time wise and financially. Plus with so many options sometimes great shows get cancelled all the time. Like I loved GLOW and Santa Clarita Diet and both were cancelled on cliffhangers. I'm sure you read plenty of blogs with recommendations and don't need me telling you what to watch. But in case you're looking for some HBO recommendations, I've got you. Of course there's The Gilded Age, but this blog isn't about period dramas filmed in Newport.
This blog is about comedy programming and today, HBO announced that Southside and How To with John Wilson were picked up for third seasons.
Both are hysterical in their own ways, and I cannot recommend them enough. South Side is full of shit-talking and real-life situational comedy. It started on Comedy Central in 2019 before switching to HBO for season 2 last fall. Southside character driven and jam packed with laughs. Officer Goodnight might be the funniest character on TV.
While "How To with John Wilson" shows one man's documentary-styled, visually-driven tutorials that take you on a rollercoaster of "what the fuck is going on?" moments. Plus, Nathan Fielder produces it, that should be all you need to give it a look.
Alright, I need to focus on the Celtics to make sure they don't lose a game they started on a 28-2 run. Both of these shows are fucking hilarious, and if you have HBOMax, you need to check them out.
In July of 1994, Hootie and the Blowfish released one of the most successful albums of all time, Cracked Rear View. In the album's 3rd single, "Only Wanna Be With You," lead singer Darius Rucker famously said he's such a baby 'cause the Dolphins make him cry, and that wasn't in reference towards the mistreatment of animals. He was talking about the Miami Dolphins of the National Football League!
ICYBUARS95 (In case you've been under a rock since 1995): the Miami Dolphins fucking STINK, but they didn't always stink out loud! From 1970 to 2001, they made the playoffs 21 times. Sure, the once-proud Miami Dolphins haven't been to the Super Bowl since 1984 (1985 if you don't respect the league year) and haven't won it since the days of Larry Csonka, Jim Kiick, Bob Griese, and the "no name defense" when they won back-to-back Lombardis in 1972 & 73, but there wasn't a whole lot to cry about in the early-mid 90s other than wasting Dan Marino's prime. People (myself included) love to shit on the Dallas Cowboys for not getting past the Divisional Round since 1995, but the Miami Dolphins' (who haven't been past the Divisional Round since 1992) futility blows the Cowboys out of the water like their mascot in Ace Ventura. Sure, they'll beat the Pats down in Miami like 1.5 times every three years, but in the grand scheme of the NFL, they're a fucking joke. Their owner allegedly tried to bribe Brian Flores to lose in order to get a better draft pick and the franchise hasn't won a playoff game since 2000. Speaking of 1995, that was the "legendary" Don Shula's final season in Miami. It's also the most recent time the Miami Dolphins finished top 10 in total offense. Not to throw salt in their wound, but the NFL only had 30 teams in 1995.
It can be easy to forget how long ago that was...when I saw that the Bruins are hosting the 2023 Winter Classic at Fenway I was like "wow that's so far away," when it reality it's less than a year away. 1995 was 27 years ago.
In Miami's defense, they finished 8th in the NFL in points scored in 2001, but total offense is measured in yards. Sure it's not everything, but I'd say it's pretty essential. Unless you're Brandon Staley, yards usually turn into points. Yeah, there are outliers; the 2000 Ravens, 2002 Buccaneers, and 2015 Broncos all finished outside the top 10 in total offense (16th, 24th, and 16th respectively), but unless you're boasting an all-time defense, you're gonna have to move the ball to be successful. Just to remind the reader at home, the Miami Dolphins have been to the playoffs twice since 2002.
There are plenty of crazy stats out there; the Arizona Cardinals haven't had a tight end finish a game with over 100 receiving yards since 1989. But seeing that the Miami Dolphins haven't had a top 10 offense since Tupac, Biggie, and Princess Diana were alive, is in a word, wild. When you think about how futile the Miami Dolphins have been since 2002, it's really not that surprising, but anytime you're a dozen years behind the CLEVELAND BROWNS in a stat about sucking, things are not ideal. Mike McDaniel could very well be the guy to turn it around. Selfishly I hope not.
P.S.
The Miami Dolphins' total offense ranks since 1995: 1996: 14th 1997: 11th (wow so close to this stat being slightly less embarrassing) 1998: 16th 1999: 20th 2000: 26th 2001:21st 2002: 15th (first year with 32 teams; this was with Ricky Williams rushing for 1853 yads) 2003: 24th 2004: 29th 2005: 14th 2006: 20th 2007: 28th 2008: 12th (wildcat bull shit) 2009: 17th 2010: 21st 2011: 22nd 2012: 27th 2013: 27th 2014: 14th 2015: 26th 2016: 24th 2017: 25th 2018: 31st 2019: 27th 2020: 22nd 2021: 25th Mean: 21.46 Median: 22 Mode: 14 & 27
Song: Only a Fool Would Say That (1972)
Artist: Steely Dan Album: Can't Buy a Thrill
I've already listened to Can't Buy a Thrill twice today.
P.S.
To anybody who actually keeps up with DOL, I'm sorry I haven't written anything since last Thursday. This might come as a shock to you, but I'm not doing super great mentally right now and haven't had it me....but not writing isn't going to fix anything! The boi is back....even if I'd rather just sleep until the weekend.
Good news, bad news to start us off. Bad news; I still haven't posted #DVTD 39 (where I put up 14 fucking points and still lost because Nightmare SUCKS). It's currently uploading and could be ready by the time I finish this preview, but for now I've broken my word (no way).
The good news is #DozVsTheDozen returns tonight for episode FORTY, and it's not just some run-of-the-mill match. It's All-Star night!!! Teams of four, Team Nick vs. Team Coley.
I'm currently 3-6 (maaafia, Academy Award winners) in 2022 and on a four-match losing streak, but to steal from Jersey Jerry....four matches losing streak...teams of four in the ASG...a win would be my fourth of the calendar year...this could be just what I needed to get my groove back (again, I scored 14 points last match). The signs are there. I already won the Battle for Arizona, so I might just be a big match trivia boi.
Here are the odds for tonight's match.
29.5 is a crazy high total, if these odds were real I'd pound the under all night like Tommy Lee (hashtag timely reference).
What is real, is the fact that we're less than an hour for showtime. I apologize for the late posting. I had a virtual meeting with my shrink at 5 #mentalhealth. #DozVsTheDozen airs LIVE on my Instagram (@dozonlife) at 7:05 PM; that's www.instagram.com/dozonlife. I can't wait to see you in the comment section! #HireDozo
Song: U Got It Bad (2001)
Artist: Usher Album: 8701
Twenty years ago today, the New England Patriots came out as a team (before that, traditionally, every player was announced individually...at least the starters, but I'm pretty sure the entire roster got their moment in the sun..I'm sure that information is readily available if you feel the need to fact check) and won their first of six (and counting) Super Bowls over the 14 point favorite St. Louis Rams.
One day earlier, on February 2nd, 2002, "U Got It Back" was the #1 song in the country for the 3rd week in a row(5 weeks in total).
After playing two seasons under the "Washington Football Team" moniker, today (2/2/22), the Washington Football Team née Washington Redskins née Boston Redskins née Boston Braves officially announced their new name: The Washington Commanders.
I'm not here to talk about how much of a dumpster fire this organization is, regardless of whatever they call themselves.
Or how terrible the new name is. Like truly awful. It almost makes Pelicans and Guardians look good. ALMOST.
I know creativity isn't the NFL's thing...
I'm here to talk about respect (and also sort of shit on how Washington is a dumpster fire). If you've been following my NFL playoff picks (NBD, I've been on Bengals ML the last two weeks), you know that I'm a stickler for the league year. See, the NFL doesn't use basic logic like the NBA or NHL and hyphenate their seasons that cross into two calendar years. Instead, they confuse people by crowning a champion the year after the season/league year but refer to them as the league year champion. I'm a football guy so I respect the league year. Plus, as someone who always starts a new year, new me diet, but struggles balancing it with football season; it's perfect. My new year diet starts when the new LEAGUE year begins. Any failed attempt beforehand doesn't count. It's still 2021 until mid-March. If you're confused, you're not alone.
Let's use the Patriots as an example. Even though they won Super Bowl XXXVI in February 2002, they were champions for the 2001 season. Same with 2003, 2004, 2014, 2016, and 2018 even though they technically won those Super Bowls in 2004, 2005, 2015, 2017, and 2019. The banners at Gillette acknowledge the former. 
I know it's been a while, but Washington has won three Super Bowls; Super Bowl XVII over the Dolphins, Super Bowl XXII over the Broncos, and Super Bowl XXVI over the Bills. Joe Gibbs led the then Redskins to three Super Bowl victories in 10 years with three different quarterbacks, something the league will likely never see again. Those championships were for the 1982, '87, and '91 seasons respectively. Washington also won two pre-Super Bowl championships in 1937 and 1942.
But if you look at the Commanders new shield logo...maybe they should've gone with the Washington Wrong Years?
How do you fuck this up??
I don't know if this is a lack of respect for the league year, trying to stretch shit out to make it look like they've won a ring more recently, or just good ole fashion incompetence? Either way, it's a terrible look for a terrible franchise. You literally lost the 1983 season's Super Bowl....handily (s/o rocket screen). In their defense, they only had two years to develop this rebrand and get their facts straight.
Song: 2 Minutes To Midnight (1984)
Artist: Iron Maiden Album: Powerslave
We inch closer to midnight every day, but in things that truly matter, what a shame that today isn't a Tuesday!
Tonight was a special All-Star Game one-on-one match of The Dozen between Kirk Minihane and Brandon Walker. Since it was all their niche categories and I was at my grandma's, I opted not to compete. I must've gotten 40,000 emails already asking where the show was tonight, but please do not worry. #DozVsTheDozen isn't going anywhere. I've got three of the last four episodes ready for your viewing pleasure to make up for the lack of content. Episode 39 will be up by the time episode 40 airs; I listened like to 3/4 of it on my way home from my gram's. Enjoy! Spoiler Alert: They're all losses. Watch my fuck-ups here! |
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