Today (yesterday now), Barstool Sports announced they're looking to add more talent.
Normally at 3:19 in the afternoon the school day has been over for four minutes and I've already been in my car for three and half, but today I was sort of busy.
I don't want to get too in depth to my sister's personal life on my blog, but today was the first of like three ceremonies for her. I'm incredibly happy for her, but COVID and my crazy family drama has my anxiety/depression at all time highs so I was a little cranky knowing valuable time where I could be working on getting my dream job was being wasted spending time with my family celebrating my sister's marriage.
Wasted was a joke. If you read this handsome girl, sorry I was sorta poopy.
I didn't get home until after 10, then hit a major roadblock right as I was getting ready to submit what I spilled my guts into on a google form.
Because I'm an open book, I figured I'd share the experience with you before I get about five hours of sleep to prepare for another day regretting every decision that led me to being a longterm substitute teacher in PrXXidXXXe.
That's right, I didn't black out my email that they asked for twice in four lines, baby. Feel free to pass that along to anybody who can help ya boi. I know Newport and Kingston aren't major cities, but as you'll see below, I think they could play for Barstool.
After those five sections they asked for social/blog/portfolio and I gave them this:
I've been running a blog called dozonlife.com since February 2016. I cover sports, music, pop culture, major news, weird internet stories, poking fun at myself, real life advice and everything in between. #HireDozo Manifesto
On March 7th, 2020 just days before COVID shut the planet down I ate 43 Burgers in honor of El Pres' potential challenge so he wouldn't have to put his movie star physique at risk and to bring attention to my blog/brand. #43Burgers
On April 30th, 2020 I appeared and basically co-hosted KFC Radio's "Social Distancing: The Game Show" since my opponent's computer wasn't working super great. While I didn't win, I think I made a good impression with KFC and Feits. I had them either laughing or in pure shock/disgust the entire show. Top 10 Losers Who Won in the Long Run
My twitter and IG are both @dozonlife. My twitter only has anywhere from 80-90 followers, but some of the best singers in the world haven't sold an album. My time will come. I deleted my original twitter that I started in 2009 when I was a junior in high school because I was an idiot high schooler whose brain hadn't fully developed and wanted to start fresh before I made it big to avoid any controversy.
While I was in college (University of Rhode Island) I created and ran @URIprobs by myself and grew the brand to approximately 6,000 twitter followers at its peak. Gun to my head idk the exact peak, but I've lost over 1,000 followers since it was truly active from 2012-2014; my second senior year forced me to basically become a teacher and stop being a college student which hurt my feel/voice of campus life. During @URIprobs' heyday I had a pulse on the entire campus and a rivalry with another account @AtleastIgotoURI that I hated because I'm from Narragansett, RI (town directly next to URI and where most off campus housing is) and resented going to what felt like extended high school and thought their content was corny AF. I made fun of URI, while still showing love to Rhody Hoops and crushing pitchers at Charlie O's (RIPIP). I was able to do all this while staying basically unknown. Only my close friends and girls that I tried to impress at bars/parties knew I was the man behind the account, so basically nobody knew.
The Substitutes Bathroom Dilemma
Today Was a Good Day For the #HireDozo Movement
This Scene From Get Him to the Greek is the 2012 Washington Redskins Coaching Staff of Movie Scenes
Next was "Why should we pick you?/ What makes you unique" and here's what I had to say.
You should pick me because I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it. I just want to get my foot in the door and I know I will thrive. I just need a chance. There is nothing I want more in this life than to work for Barstool Sports. That's why I ate 43 Burgers. That's why I blog. That's why I get up every morning, because I know that someday my time will come. It's not a matter of if, but when. I know someday I will be a Barstool employee or a dead guy who dedicated his life to trying. I will never give up. BSS is the greatest media company in the world and I just want to help it get even bigger. If someone offered me a chance to spin a roulette wheel where red got me hired by Barstool, black killed me and green made me formally apologize to John Henry for choosing saving 75 bucks over keeping Mookie Betts; I wouldn't hesitate to spin.
I have years of experience running a successful Viceroy styled twitter account. I actually applied to the Viceroy Program in early 2017 and had a phone interview with Tex. I didn't get the job (obviously) but that's just because as you know, his judgment is clearly off. I have emails and his phone number to prove it.
Newport is the most beautiful place in Rhode Island, full of tourism, history and is the home to Salve Regina University. Kingston is the home of the University of Rhode Island. While neither are major cities, both play to the Barstool audience.
I've actually been meaning to send in a formal sample to Coley since he became EIC, but keep second guessing myself because of how much this company means to me. I get so in my head about wanting it to be perfect because blogging at Barstool Sports is literally all I want in life that I still haven't sent it out. Sort of like Chidi from the Good Place. Despite hearing constantly from bloggers/personalities/podcasts that one of the best ways to get hired is to be persistent and always send stuff in, while I'm persistent in tweeting #HireDozo, I know I need to stop being such a pussy and just send some blogs in.
Oh and I was called out of the audience of the Rosie O'Donnell Show when I was five years old.
Thank you for taking the time to review my application. Regardless of what happens with this position I know that someday I will be employed by Barstool Sports. I hope you can be the one to discover this diamond in the rough to get credit for bringing me into the Pirate Ship. Peace and love.
More to come later this afternoon, but I need to clear the pipes and pass TFO. Goodnight!