Much like Gronk's first retirement in 2019, I've got a little story about questioning his potential retirement, only for its news to drop hours later.
My sleep schedule is more fucked up than Gronk's former TE tandem-mate's brain scans. Sometime this morning between 4-6 am, I went down a rabbit hole of Pro Football Writers of America All-Rookie teams/healthy meals for my latest weight loss journey.
When I was on Gronk's wiki, I noticed it said Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2020-2021, and for a couple of seconds, I was like, "damn, I'm surprised Gronk hasn't made a decision yet." Then not long after I naturally woke up around 1:40 pm-ish; it appears he has!
I mean, in the time it's taken me to embed an IG post, upload a picture and get distracted texting, news already leaked from Gronk's agent that this could be another temporary retirement.
Whether or not he ever plays another down, Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end in NFL history.
Wanksta ass Kelce might end up with better stats when it's all said and done (Gronk still has 35 more TDs), but that's because he doesn't get dirty in the trenches. He hasn't dealt with the wear and tear of being a true tight end like Robby G. No player could ever dominate the line of scrimmage then go out and give you seven catches for 125 yards and a TD like Gronk.
It's such a shame we as a society were robbed of so much peak Gronk. He missed major time in 2012, 2013 and 2016 and was clearly hobbled in Super Bowl XLVI thanks to scumbag Bernard Pollard. Even if you hated the Patriots, you probably loved Gronk. He was a human golden retriever that could spike a football over a house. Despite his size, he could make acrobatic catches that would leave you in awe, and because of his size, he could throw you out of the club in the blink of an eye. The video is gonna be blocked on DOL because the NFL hates fan engagement, but click the link and enjoy.
When Gronk came back with Tampa, it was super bittersweet. I wanted to see Gronk add to his numbers (he's retiring today within striking distance of 10,000 yards and 100 TDs), but watching him and Brady elsewhere fucking sucked. Yes, it was cool to profit off his Super Bowl LIV performance, but watching them together in Tampa fucking sucked. That may be repetitive and poor writing, but it's the truth. It fucking SUCKED.
With Gronk's injury history, career earnings, four rings, and gorgeous girlfriend, I get why he'd walk away from the gridiron (again), but he's one solid season away from 10K yards & 100 regular season TDs. It's a lot easier for me to say this behind a keyboard, but wouldn't you want to come back for one more season with TB12 to try and reach those milestones? I guess Gronk was so dominant that he doesn't need the counting stats to solidify his legacy. He's in that Ken Griffey Jr. class of studs who put up great numbers that could've been even better had they stayed healthy. Even if it's in a different uniform, I want to see Gronk get there. He's a first-ballot Hall of Famer regardless, and I am a little butt hurt he got banged up and missed the return to Foxboro with Brady THE DAY after I bought tickets for my old man and me. Still, Gronk's given me, millions of Patriots fans, and 7,000 Bucs fans a lifetime of memories. Congrats on a great career 87/69. I'm sure we'll hear from you soon. TBH, I don't love the lack of Patriot acknowledgment in the IG post, but I'm not going down that path again.
P.S.
I took a 10th round flyer on Gronk last year in fantasy and for the first two and a half games of the season it looked like he was back in his 2011 form. Stinks I'm losing a potential keeper for this year, but gun to my head Gronk is gonna end up coming back again this year.
Double P.S.
Since they ended up losing the game, I feel like this performance gets lost in history, but what Gronk did in the final minutes of the 2015 AFC Championship Game was some of the clutchest (most clutch?) football ever.
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Song: Invisible (2003) Artist: Clay Aiken Album: Measure of a Man This song is hashtag creeeeeeeeppppyyy! I was about to give Clay a pass for having to live one of the most blatant lies of the early-mid 2000s, which must've affected his songwriting abilities...BUT IT'S A COVER??? Come on, Clay! It's a catchy tune, I'll give you that, but this is a peeping Tom's anthem.
Yesterday was not a great day for one of my favorite bands, Khruangbin. Well, technically, it's been a rough week, but yesterday, they announced that Iberia and British airlines lost Laura Lee and Mark's guitars!
Luckily, the universe smiled upon them as their axes were returned today.
But on the bright side, while they were worrying about whether or not their guitars would get returned, Khru got some fantastic publicity from 52-year-old goddess Heather Graham's Instagram reel.
Wow!!
âA+ song choice by Felicity Shagwell. "Time (You and I)" was a tremendous selection to accompany her whimsically bouncing around at the beach and a boat (likely yacht). Look how fucking adorable and fun woman is. She's out here living her best life, looking way better than chicks half her age. I'd trade a year off my life for her to cough on me. I don't wanna hear shit about "well yeah, she's rich" because plenty of other celebs look like rooting pumpkins past 50. I reference Heather Graham all the time for good reason. She's fucking Heather Graham. Rollergirl. I've had a crush on her since I was like seven or year years old thanks to Austin Powers. She's, to use a term I hate but am starting to use unironicially, goated. She;s super talented and IMO one the most beautiful women to ever grace this planet. We're all lucky to alive while she is. Every project she's in, is better because of her. She made Anger Management watchable thanks to her Red Sox undies.
She's why season four is the best season of Scrubs.
And the Hangover would've tripled what it made at the box office it she had more scenes.
I've wanted to blog my 50+ still sexy All Stars for a while (but have been too pussy in fears of pushback), but Heather would be front and center with fellow Austin Powers love interest, Elizabeth Hurley.
Fuck it...that blog is coming at some point this summer, but this was far from the first time Heather showed Khruangbin some love online.
But with all the horrors of humanity shoved in our faces every day, sometimes it's nice to focus on the good parts of life, like Heather Graham and Khruangbin. Today just so happens to be the first day of the rest of my life.
It can be easy to get down with the horrors of democratic backsliding and people less talented than you living your Barstool dream, but reels like Heather's help you realize what life is all about----being hot and having fun. I want to travel the world, dance around with beautiful women, and listen to great tunes. Thank you, Heather Graham, for still being a fucking rocket at 52 and inspiring me not to shove Taco Bell down my throat tonight. When my body becomes less gross and I'm eating box again, know your reel had something to do with my bounce back. If you ever want to recreate the opening scene to The Sitter, you know where to find me, @dozonlife.
P.S.
I started watching Hacks last night and while I genuinely enjoy it so far, the opening scene using "Evan Finds the Third Room" definitely didn't hurt. Yes, I love seeing my favorite artists get exposure, YES.
As I start this blog at 4:30 pm on June 20th, 2022, the Golden State Warriors are still celebrating their parade day, which means the once-up 2-1 Boston Celtics did not win the 2022 NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV.
Before today, I hadn't blogged since writing my preview for Game 6 and announcing that I was going to the Garden for the game. I don't need the h8rs thinking I was ducking this topic---Au contraire. I don't get paid for this yet. Your boi had to refuel his checking account somehow, and it was an eventful ass weekend on the roads.
But now it's Monday, I got up at the crack of 3 pm, and I'm ready to write. Obviously, I wish the Boston Celtics won the 2022 NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV. Watching their season come to a crashing halt from the 300 levels, in a seat that cannot contain me, was less than ideal; in the moment, I was pissed. I was pissed they played so poorly. After the first three minutes that gave us the falsest of hopes, that game was torture. It was basically lost in the 2nd quarter, but they just couldn't get over the hump. If we hit a three to cut the lead to 8-10, GSW would bang one to bring it back to 11-14. At the start of the 4th quarter, down 10 with the ball, I was like, alright, this is our chance, and as it's been the theme all playoffs, the C's turned it over.
I might've even told a few friends/acquaintances (my entire fantasy group chat) that I hope some fentanyl ended up in the Warriors celebration coke, but I've since cooled down and returned to my hashtag good guy ways. That was just my dark sense of humor blowing off steam. What? Can't you dream about someone paying the ultimate price for beating your favorite basketball team for like 25 minutes? I'm glad all members of both rosters are still alive as of 4:52 pm. I love basketball. I got into the C's before the Sox. My first Celtics memories are the 2002 ECF run, but I'm not nearly as confident in my abilities writing about it as I am with football or baseball before the Mookie Betts trade. In the seven calendar years I've been running DOL, the Celtics were the last (major) professional Boston sports franchise to make their league's respective championship. For a solid chunk of the season, it didn't even look like they'd make the playoffs, forget the Finals. We have to remember how we got to this point. The 2021 part of the 2021-22 Celtics was gross. I remember being in Boston for a Halloween party and watching them lose to the fucking Wizards whilst sipping a comically large Blue Moon. All they did was blow leads and lose to shitty teams for months. It felt like a wasted season of the two young studs. The C's were not a fun team to watch. Some even wanted to split up the Jays (I NEVER DID!). Then in January, the energy shifted. Instead of blowing leads, they blew teams out. Going from 18-21 to 51-31. I don't need to recap their whole playoff run; you can check out what I've written here on your favorite niche blog.
The Warriors no doubt earned it. All the credit to them for officially winning their 4th title since 2015. They made the shots they needed to and certainly forced SOME of the Celtics turnovers, but it's alright to be butthurt and frustrated. They played a beatable series. I genuinely believe that. The Celtics could've won if they tightened things up and weren't so careless with the rock. A few key stretches made all the difference in this series, and if a couple of shots fall (or don't fall...seriously fuck Jordan Poole), it could be the Celtics having a parade this week.
Tatum had plenty of superstar moments throughout their run, and there's no way they make it this far without him. 0.00% chance. His shoulder is fucked up, but he grew a ton this season. His passing abilities have skyrocketed, he's an elite defender, and I loved seeing what his dad wrote about him.
You can also say that his play cost them this series. Both can be true. I think it's unfair to compare anybody to Lebron, but I mean, this is pretty crazy.
It's not an apples-to-apples comparison. JT's only 24 (age 23 season) and helped lead the Celtics to the Finals. Like, Steph Curry didn't even make the playoffs in his age 23 season. JT's not even close to his prime. Instead of focusing on the fact he "underperformed," celebrate the fact his team got to this point. Even in my biggest fuck Lebron days, I didn't hold his 07 Finals loss against him. Dragging that team to that point was an accomplishment. The 2022 Celtics were a much more well-rounded team than the 2007 Cavs, but the similarities to their numbers with Tatum's trajectory is encouraging.
What wasn't encouraging was the turnover record JT set these playoffs.
But I'm not really here to talk numbers. This blog is more of a rambling reflection of an entertaining playoff run that I know my life desperately needed. I loved this run. It sucks that it's over, but I'm glad I got to cheer them on for a great season in the final minutes of Game 6 when we all knew it was about to end. I wish I had watched more games with friends and family, but I was able to soak in a solid chunk of it with loved ones. I went to two playoff games with my best friend, including Game 6 of the NBA Finals. Again, the game sucked, and it didn't get to be as fun as we'd hoped, but there were moments. When we got up to our seats, I literally breathed it all in and let out a "Dude, we're at the fucking NBA Finals" and got a decent laugh from those around us. Like, that's really fucking cool. I've been pretty lucky with the meaningful games I've seen in person, and while it didn't go the way I wanted, it was an excellent experience for about 22 minutes.
I watched the C's win game 2 vs. Milwaukee with my dad, then watched them win Game 4 of that series at my grandma's with my mom. Both of my divorced parents live in disgusting ass Deathsantisland, so I don't see them a ton, and it was nice to spend that time with them. Friends came to my house and I went to theirs to watch games. It was just great to experience this Finals run with other people after the last couple shitty years. Yeah, it sucks that there's not gonna be a championship Blu-Ray this year, but only one team per season gets that honor, and I'm beating this into the ground, but we went from 18-21 to Game 6 of the NBA Finals. This run was a gift. Yes, the East is loaded, and there are no guarantees in getting back. Still, with this young, under-contract core, a solid rookie head coach, and a front office willing to do whatever it takes to get that elusive Banner 18, it feels like it's coming, eventually. Jaylen Brown was a turnover machine, but he is also turning into a bucket. He was clutch AF all playoffs long (outside of the turnovers). The Jays can get it done if they get a little more help from the rest of the roster. Marcus is Marcus. Robert Williams III showed glimpses of the absolute animal he is in the paint, but a gimpy knee kept him from being his true self. Pritchard and Grant are nice pieces, but they're far too inconsistent. If you told me the Celtics would be in the 2022 NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV in December, I would've never believed you. It's still hard to wrap my head around them going from playing Joe Johnson to the Finals. I know in Boston, things have gotten so championship or bust, especially with how the Celtics handle things. There won't be a 2022 Eastern Conference Champions banner at the Garden, but it was a hell of a season and one I won't ever forget. Losing sucks, but this isn't a team of losers. They showed heart and grit for months. They were written off (including multiple times in the playoffs) and came to the brink of a championship. Of course, the wasted opportunity aspect sucks because this was a winnable series, but the future is bright. We knocked out the last three teams that ended our season and lost to the best shooter of all time. Look at NBA history; teams usually get to the Finals in bunches. The C's are ascending. I can't wait to see how the Jays comeback next season. Go C's.
P.S.
I mean this is almost as impressive as getting every game right.
Song: I Want You Back (1996) Artist: *NYSNC Album: 'N Sync If Talking Heads counts as a woman act for the Rock N' Roll HOF's embarrassingly low lady numbers with one member, then *NSYNC 1000% counts as an LGBTQ+ group even if Lance Bass wasn't out when this banger dropped in 1996. Even Though Golden State Has Already Won the 2022 NBA Championship, the Celtics Can Win Tonight6/16/2022
Despite already being crowned NBA Champions for the 4th time wince 2015, the Golden State Warriors will play the Boston Celtics tonight in Game 6 of the 2022 NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV.
Regardless of the outcome of tonight's exhibition, it'll be the final Celtics' home game of the season, and what a season it's been. Losing stinks, but how about a little perspective? From 18-21 to the NBA Finals. It blows that they've already lost the ship, but what a run. I've sure had a lot of stressful fun throughout!
Technically you could consider this an elimination game; even though the Warriors closed it out 3-2, and in three elimination games these playoffs, that's where Tatum's played his best ball.
Unfortunately, he and the Celtics have not played great ball over the last two games. There were definitely stretches of solid play, but they melted like the polar ice caps in clutch time. After holding a 2-1 series lead, they imploded Friday night with one of the worst offensive stretches in NBA history.
Then Monday night in Game 5, they fought back after a rough start and took the lead in the 3rd quarter, only letting a miracle shot turn into a spiral of despair.
But here we are, it's Game 6, at the Garden. I reaaaaally want to go and give the boys in green (well, probably white tonight) my support. People forget that the Celtics are 3-0 in playoff games with Ole Dozo in the house and 2-0 this season when I take up one and a half seats.
It's pretty simple and has been beaten into our heads with a led pipe, but the name of the game for the Boston Celtics is turnovers. If they commit 16 or less, they're almost unbeatable, but when it goes above that threshold, they're the Washington Generals.
BREAKING NEWS:
LFG!!!!! I'M NOT A JINX GUY, BUT THE WARRIORS MAY HAVE JINXED THEMSELVES BY BANNING FAKE KLAY FOR LIFE (#badvibes). I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER AND GET MY BROWS DID SO MY 4-BILL ASS LOOKS PRESENTABLE IN PERSON TO BLEED GREEN. WE AREN'T DEAD YET, JUST GOTTA WIN 2 GAMES IN A ROW, OR FROM A MICRO-POV, WIN TONIGHT, WORRY ABOUT SUNDAY ON SUNDAY. LET'S GO CELTICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S NOT OVER! BLEED GREEN!!!!!!
Song: Fast Car (1988) Artist: Tracy Chapman Album: Tracy Chapman I wrote this blog at 1:54 am to save time for a big game day and just learned some incredible backstory about this classic track thanks to the most reliable source known to man. S/O whoever lost Stevie Wonder's synth disc, giving Tracy Chapman a massive, worldwide audience at a Free Mandela Concert for his 70th birthday. I'm cropping this wiki citation with a little extra to show some love to Silvio. Fuck yes, Sil! And fuck you, Elon Musk! I obvi had to use her performance at Freedomfest for the blog.
In April, I wrote a blog about how John Hinckley Jr, the guy who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981, is pursuing a career in the arts. Today, he was officially granted his full release from supervision, but it came with some bad news (for him).
Hinckley was scheduled to perform at Market Hotel in Brooklyn on July 8th, but due to the whole he tried to kill the President of the United States thing, they've changed their tune. Today, Market Hotel posted this message on Instagram to explain their decision.
I'm not like a John Hinckley Jr. fan or anything. I'm not upset with their decision, and apart from needing something to blog before I head over to my grandma's for a fam night, I really couldn't give less of a fuck about this guy. I said in the last blog he doesn't have the name recognition of a successful assassin like Sirhan Sirhan or Jack Ruby, which I feel like I need to correct. I don't think Jack Ruby counts as an assassin since he killed Lee Harvey Oswalt, who was not a political figure, although assassin just means killer...I'm getting it mixed up with assassination. Sirhan Sirhan assassinated Bobby Kennedy; Lee Harvey Oswalt got shot by Jack Ruby on live TV. Big difference, but anyway, I get where Market Hotel is coming from.
I'm all for revamping the criminal justice system. The goal should be to help people recover and reintroduce them to society, not just lock them in a box (obviously depending on the crime; let rapists and murderers rot away, idc). Hinckley was proven insane and paid his time. But he only got this opportunity because he tried to snipe Reagan. It's not like he's some incredible talent. Anybody with a brain and soul that wasn't profiting from his horrors knows Reagan was a terrible person who sold weapons to Iraq and Iran, fucked over the middle class, mistreated black people, and turned a blind eye to AIDS as millions died, but that doesn't mean you can kill him (I have to say that). It'd be one thing if Hinckley did what he did, paid his time, pursued a musical career, then created a hit album or even single, but this was one big publicity stunt, and the potential risks weren't worth it. Market Hotel basically spelled that out in the post. I mean, it worked. It got people talking about this little venue. You never saw me blogging about Market Hotel until this story broke. I agree that this guy performing doesn't really do any real damage, but in our current gun-driven, multiple mass shootings a week culture, it's pretty easy to understand why the plug was pulled before he ever got on stage. You can't give Hinckley this platform, even if it is just a little room in Brooklyn. Congrats on your freedom, though. Song: Hell Bent for Leather (1978) Artist: Judas Priest Album: Killing Machine
It's been established that I'm not a jinx guy. I don't believe in them. They aren't real. As a sportsman and hashtag good guy, I've already congratulated the Warriors on their well deserved NBA championship.
That being said, much like the Celtics riding too close to the sun with their All About 18 banner shirts before Game 4 of the 2022 NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV, it'd be a real shame if the Warriors jinxed themselves with these all-time bad vibes.
If you're an online person, you've likely heard of fake Klay Thompson. It's pretty self-explanatory; he's a dude that sorta looks like Klay Thompson if you have cataracts. His likeness went viral during one of the Warriors' four recent NBA title runs.
So fake Klay Thompson, aka real Dawson Hurley, bares a somewhat vague resemblance to Klay Thompson. He's basically a walking meme. Of course, he's a content creator...HOLY SHIT, FAKE KLAY HAS OVER 8 MILLION YOUTUBE SUBS, but his whole schtick is harmless. I don't blame him at all for trying to capitalize on this. Clearly, it's paid off so far. The dude has 8.24 (R.I.P. Black Mamba) MILLION youtube subscribers.
Before Game 5 of the 2022 NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV, fake Klay pulled a fast one, getting by security and air-balling a few lay-ups before someone realized he's not actually Klay Thompson. This video breaks down the whole ordeal if you feel like burning 15 minutes.
But I've got you with the easy to digest One Minute Man clip. Ole Dozo is a company man. VIVA!
Look, what fake Klay Thompson did was technically illegal (I guess?), but at the same time, it's not like he butter-knifed his way into the arena a la Henry Lockwood. This dude literally went through security like Mohamed Atta. He walked into the stadium IN UNIFORM, which nobody except Hacksaw Reynolds does (way too niche of a reference for my own good; check out the 1981 San Francisco 49ers America's Game on Youtube). This blunder is on the Golden State Warriors for having U.S. Capitol level security, not fake Klay Thompson for getting by a few dummies that stink at their job/were in on the prank and this whole thing is one big stunt.
How is Fake Klay getting a harsher punishment than insurrectionists?
I'm with you, BigDaws.
The Warriors didn't check for a ticket, credential, or pre-approved authorization from Chase Center. This is on them. Straight up and down. I think the whole lifetime ban part might be clickbait since the letter says indefinitely. Either way, this seems a bit much. They're using Fake Klay to send a message to other NBA lookalikes not to get any ideas. Talk about overkill. You're banning him from the fucking G-league. That's excessive AF. You shouldn't be turning away any fans from that. Again, I'm not a jinx guy, but the Chicago Cubs can tell you a little something about the aftershocks of banning a diehard fan.
Again, I'm not a jinx guy. There's no way that the Warriors overreacting from being had and embarrassed online backfires. This has nothing to do with what happens on the court, just like ejecting William Sianis and his goat named Murphy had nothing to do with the Cubs title drought. When the Warriors hold their parade hopefully the hatchet will be buried and fake Klay can enjoy their 4th championship since 2015 with the rest of Dub Nation.
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