My Latest Barstool Application
Past application blogs (see how much my writing has improved!):
December 2020 Application
2017 Interview Follow Up
Today marks the official start of 2022. Everybody knows that New Years Resolutions don't start until the first Monday of the year. The weekend was simply overtime for 2021. If you are some lunatic that starts a diet on a Saturday, all I can say is "good 4 u," like I'm Olivia Rodrigo. DSM, baby.
Regardless of when you observe the official start of the new year, I was dreading my return to work where I "teach" in the Creative Capital, but since I'm so used to this roof over my head thing; I had to go back to work, despite it being sulfuric acid to my mental health.
aFriends and family (Trik Turner 2002) will ask me some variation of "why do you stay in a job that you hate?" It's a fair question and one that I'll answer in traditional DOL fashion; candidly.
It's mainly because of my dream to write for Barstool Sports. I guess you could say, "better the devil, you know." Believe it or not, working in statistically one of America's worst school districts has its advantages. I don't have to dress up, or get drug tested. Plus, I can have over two feet of gorgeous flow without anybody saying shit. They're desperate for teachers and need me more than I need them (admittedly, I need the money and benefits they give me). I show up every day, try to block out students treating me like I'm not a human, then get home at a reasonable hour to blog or make #DozVsTheDozen.
If I had a 9-5 or I taught in a better district, I wouldn't have the flexibility that I currently do to chase my dream and work on my craft. I can use boxed lesson plans that require essentially zero prep because my district doesn't even have a fucking curriculum. If anything, I'm going above and beyond by spending my own money to ensure these kids get quality lessons (so I don't have to waste my time planning inferior ones).
Suppose I taught in a district with a curriculum, students who can read within three grade levels of their classes, or a superintendent. In that case, I couldn't "productively slack" the way I do and would likely get forced to volunteer after school as a young teacher with no tenure. I'd have to deal with parents who care about their children's education and stalk their teachers online. I haven't had a parent reach out to me...ever. My current job might drain me creatively and be one of the primary reasons I eat my feelings, but as an anxiety guy, I'd rather tough it out and keep grinding with DOL in my free time than go through the hiring process somewhere else.
Despite what I just said, I don't know how I can do another full year of this shit in the fall. It's my 4th year in the district, and while it has helped me grow as a man and I'm a better person for this experience, it's fucking killing me. I hate having to be an authority figure. I don't want to deal with badly behaved students or enjoy any aspect of teaching other than all the vacations and sometimes, like maybe twice a year, feeling like you made a difference in somebody's life.
Regardless of whether this application is the one that gets me employed by Barstool, I know in my heart of enlarged hearts that I'll get there someday. That's also (+ a crippling fear of rejection that I'm working on getting over this year) why I'm not as aggressive as I should be with applying. I know I should send Coley all the blogs I write every week, but I genuinely don't want to be annoying.
Ever since I got discovered on The Rosie O'Donnell Show when I was five, I've known I was meant for more than a "normal life," and Barstool is the perfect avenue for me to showcase my creativity and weird brain. I fucking love Barstool and what it represents. It's the ultimate job for funny, creative people (something I am).My life will be a failure if I'm never a part of the pirate ship.
In case you forgot, we're all going to die someday, and I don't want to waste any more of my life being unhappy. I want to work for Barstool to use my weird brain for good to make people laugh, think and cry. I want to prove everybody who didn't believe in me wrong, but mainly to enjoy my fucking life. I know I have what it takes; I just need like, six people to believe in me and I'll have confidence again. I'm well aware Barstool isn't some pill that will magically fix 30 years of the fucked up experiences that make up my life but, I'd sure as hell rather stress about whether or not I'm making people laugh, or an interview being good over worrying about getting shot in a public high school that refuses to give me keys.
I know I have a microscopic following, but that's partially on purpose. I've had to take some risks calculated with my current job if I'm stuck teaching, but I made @URIprobs, which had close to 6,000 followers at its peak! I can grow a following.
This has turned into me venting to and getting shit off my chest, but the whole purpose of this blog was to talk about my latest application. I'm not gonna post the personal information part, so let's focus on the content. The first thing they want you to do is tell them what you're interested in covering at Barstool. Here's what I clicked.
The selected topics with numbers had multiple subtopics. I'm not a poker or horse racing guy, but you best believe I love watching the roulette wheel spin, playing against the book in Blackjack because I've never read it and chasing +1000 teasers & live money lines.
For sports I clicked "city specific," NFL, MLB and stats, but won't be including a photo because those optins were too spaced out. I mean, I'm never going to get fully over the Mookie trade, but even with two seasons away from the game I've forgotten more about baseball than most people my age know and I love weird stats!
Years of being babysat by MTV and VH1 have given ample niche and general pop culture knowledge. I have a music podcast idea that Barstool's backing can be bigger than Son of a Boy Dad!
I won't eat Taco Bell lettuce (it's disgusting and pointless), but you best believe I'll eat shit for content!
If Covid didn't cuck me, I would've made a man on the street video at Boston Calling 2020. I want to get into the festival space BAD.
I'd pull poop out of the toilets like Andy Bernard to get my foot in the door, but would prefer these options. Hopefully that doesn't make me look like diva. Of course, I selected history too, gotta put that degree to work! If/when they hire me I'd be automatically be like top 10 most famous URI alums which says a lot more about my University than me (but again, I did create and run @URIProbs, which at its peak had over 6,00 followers). Will Ferrell (as Ron Burgundy) did 10 minutes about on no famous alumni at Funny or Die in '08 at the Ryan Center.
This part really fucked me up. It's something my shrink has asked me and I have a hard time putting into words.
I'd like to think my works speaks for itself, but here's what I put on the record:
I'm an authentic, passionate, caring, funny, and intelligent person who's worked terrible jobs and would genuinely appreciate every day as a Barstool employee. I'd do anything for this company. I've wanted to write for Barstool since I became a fan in 2012-13, but once the Chernin deal happened, that's when it seemed like a legitimate career choice. I love this company more than most of my family; in fact, my relationship with my dad has taken a hit from my pursuit of a writing career. I want to show him and everybody else who's doubted me that I was right all these years and that they should've believed in me.
I've had a couple of close calls. In 2017 I had multiple phone interviews regarding a Viceroy manager position due to my success with @URIprobs (which at its peak had basically 7,000 followers). I essentially co-hosted an episode of KFC Radio's Social Distancing the Gameshow because my competitor's mic wasn't working. This summer, I ran into Carl in Newport, and he said he'd look at some of my blogs, but he was pretty drunk and might not remember me, but I blogged the whole ordeal.
I work hard, balancing a full-time teaching job, ubering, and running my blog in my spare time. I've run my blog, dozonlife.com, since 2016, and in 2021 I wrote 414 blogs, averaging about eight a week while teaching and ubering to make ends meet. I have the personality and weird brain (full of useless knowledge that would be anything but useless as a barstool blogger) that thrives at this company. I think I'd be a lightning rod where some people would love me and some would hate me, which would be great for what Barstool is all about. If given the opportunity, I'd do whatever it takes to succeed at the greatest website on earth. In 2019, I wrote the #HireDozo Manifesto, which does a fantastic job of answering this question and tells my whole story up to then.
It's only January 3rd, but 2022 WILL be the year of the Dozah regardless of whether this is the application that gets me hired or not. I'm done being a pussy who's afraid to go for it... I can't live scared anymore! I'm going to start sending Coley writing samples, and if I don't, you have permission to open hand slap me.
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