Whenever I think local TV ads with NFL players, Matt Light & Fagan Door is always first to come to mind. So perfectly shitty in the most endearing way.
Let the record show that I started this blog at 10:40 pm after already going into bed for the night. I was actually trying to do the right thing and go to bed at decent hour (before 1 AM) to have enough energy to burn the candle at both ends; teaching the inner city youth Modern World History I & II over Chromebooks in a dilapidated building by day and learning Adobe Creative Cloud while balancing blogging by night; which means I was watching NFL Films videos on Youtube to pass out like normal, when I came upon this video that was so awesome I just had to blog it and kill all my pass-out momentum. In a much more valuable than an extra hour or two of sleep sort of way, it's good I am writing this because the blog never sleeps. #HireDozo
What I'm trying to say is even when I try to bang out a quick two paragrapher, it turns into War and Peace.....in this case because I procrastinated/let my head get the best of me. If I had posted my blog that I've mentioned before that is still in the chamber (because it's like 70% done) about my nightly habit of passing out to NFL related content on Youtube that is chock full o' Christmas references that are frankly staying in when it eventually sees the light of day, you would've known that I loveeeee NFL Films and fall asleep to an episode of America's Game almost every night. Phew! What a sentence/paragraph.
Even though I know I shouldn't give into the machine, when Youtube suggested NFL Films Presents: When NFL Players & Hilarious Local Commercials Collide Ft. Phil Swift!, I just had to click. That is right up my alley. While it's not John Facenda, Phil Swift is fine Billy Mays (R.I.P.) substitute and you know how much love Mad Men. We've got Roger Sterling with significantly worse hair giving actual valuable insight into what goes into these commercials during this seven minutes in niche sports heaven.
Excuse me for what I'm about to say if you're not intro great analogies that cover (nearly) the entire human sexuality spectrum, but this video had me feening for more like a chick or bottom who just got railed really nice, but unfortunately the gentleman or transgirl came too soon (no judgments on DOL, not only men have penis' & I think with those four terms I covered almost all possible scenarios).
6:59 was simply not enough time to dedicate to kitschy local ads featuring both NFL superstars and guys that only the local fans love/know exist. I could've watched a full hour of local ads with 3rd receivers and punters. Maybe I was just super high (likely) but this video got me so happy thinking about how much football means to people, community, the local economy, society and nostalgia in general. That Wes Welker Bob's Furniture commercial brought me way back like the toupee he might've needed if not for Robert Leonard. I just had to share it with my fantastic readers. If you love license free football jerseys and small businesses this is the video for you. (You don't be able to watch the video on DOL, the video will direct you to Youtube)
That America's Game blog will come soon. Possibly tomorrow? As for the video, I could talk about every ad for another 45 minutes, but I really do need to go to bed and find a way to not ramble in blogs that don't need to be longer than Manute Bol for no reason. For the record, Marshawn carrying a toilet is the most beast mode shit I've ever seen ayyyyyy.
Back when #TooManyLegs had literally never lost, I wanted to flip some of my winnings into something productive towards my #HireDozo pursuits.
I don't consider myself a super tech savvy guy. Maybe back in 2010 when I was fresh out of high school, but when Photo Story is like the 4th most recent computer thing you've learned, there's a serious issue.
This is something I've wanted to address for a while, but some programs can be pretty pricy/I'm a huge say something and never follow through guy, but I'm trying to change that this year. I'm done doing the same things over and over and expecting different results (if you only there was a term for that). I gotta switch it up!
Not to brag during a pandemic when people are struggling like the kid who inspired ta-ta-ta-today, Junior!, but between saving a good chunk of my ub** money from the summer, the success of #TML and my current job, I'm not struggling financially for the first time since I taught in Nashville for two (2) months. I can swing a few hundred bucks to learn some skills that I believe will make me a much more sexier Barstool candidate/have another creative outlet, but at the same time I didn't wanna just be blowin money fast like I'm Rick Ross at the first thing I see. Unlike my semi-impulse buy of a TV on election day, I needed to do some research; not just best bang for my buck, but which programs would be smartest to invest in.
Two and half months later because you know how work, life and a crippling mental disorder (lolz) can go, I reached out to Super Producer BC aka Brendan Clancy for some advice in what to be too afraid to ask my dad for for Christmas. Brendan's brand is basically helping people get their content get off the ground, so I figured he was the right man to ask. Plus he followed me on twitter and IG during #43Burgers, and is involved with KFC Radio (whose Game Show I appeared on) so he's one of the handful of Barstool people who know I'm a living, breathing human who's dying for an opportunity. Maybe he'd appreciate my initiative?
Since anxiety's runnin through my big vein like cocaine ran through Rick Ross', but I'm also polite and didn't want to ghost someone who gave me career advice; after deliberating for 25 minutes, this was my big follow up to Super Producer BC.
29 days after that interaction, I finally decided to stop making excuses and invest in myself. Today, I purchased a year membership of the Adobe Creative Cloud.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that a major reason why it me so long to make the move is the intimidation factor. There's soooooo much stuff in this program and I may have self-doubted my capabilities for this ole doz to learn some new tricks, but like my shrink says I need to stop being so hard on myself. I got a fucking 1080 on my SATS and was a "key loss" on a 1-7 football team in 2nd smallest division in the smallest state in this country. I can do anything I set my mind to! It's okay that it's going to take some time to master these apps. Do you think Tim Gunn "made it work" the first time he designed whatever he designs? Do you think Adam Vinatieri made a 50 yarder the first time he ever attempted a field goal? Do you think when Jimi Hendrix first picked up a guitar he could play the National Anthem with his teeth? Of course fucking not. But practice makes perfect and I fucked around with tutorials for a couple hours before I wrote this blog. My time will come, just give me a little. I am planing on debuting my first photoshopped pictures on my instagram this Friday. Be on the look out at @dozonlife. If you don't see anything please talk shit to me on the internet!
My first stab at Photoshop was removing the Bud heavy bottle from a photo of my Halloween Costume in 2014 incase my employer sees! God forbid a then 22 year old redshirt senior have a cold one.
If you are a tech savvy person and want to give me some pointers, I will gladly give you some of my ub** money for your services; once you've proven to me in a two hour free trial period that you're a worthy instructor.
As long as he avoids a Darren Sharper like rap sheet, once eligible, Tom Brady will be a first ballot Hall of Famer after he retires from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (still so fucking gross to type that) in the next 2-6 years. Even if he doesn’t, he’d still have Peter King’s vote, but in all seriousness, there’s always been questions about how many of his Patriot teammates will join Brady in Canton someday.
If the Steel Certain Steelers were playing under the era of the salary cap they would’ve had to make tough decisions between keeping Jack Ham or Jack Lambert; Lynn Swann or John Stallworth; Mean Joe Greene or L.C. Greenwood (Hall of very good player); etc and wouldn’t have had 10 HOFers on a single Super Bowl team and likely wouldn’t have won 4 Super Bowls in 6 years.
Whenever you look back at the great dynasties of the 60’s-80’s or even stand alone champs like the 1969 Kansas Chiefs, those teams were littered with bronze busts. Teams had upwards of 10 Hall of Famers on their roster. Super Bowl XIII featured 25 future Hall of Famers; 16 whom (I thiiiink that’s right usage??) were enshrined for their contributions as a player.
Ty Law (Class of 2019) and Randy Moss (Class of 2018) have already been enshrined in the Hall, but throughout the double-dynasty there was this narrative (and rightfully so to a certain extent thanks to the era of free agency & a salary cap) that the Patriots teams that won (and were always in contention for) Super Bowls weren’t full of Hall of Famers; that’s what made their run from 2001-2019 even more impressive. No team Tom Brady played on in New a England will sniff 10 Hall of Famers. There’s not even be 10 true Patriots (guys like Darrelle Revis don’t count) from Brady’s entire career in New England who get into Canton.
Today is the day where the 48 elite selectors deliberate on who should be in this year’s class, so of course there’s gonna be some last minute campaigning. If were up to Tom Brady, former Patriots defensive lineman, Richard Seymour would already have his gold jacket by the time he gets his in approximately 2031.
Whenever Tom says the p word it makes me feel warm inside and that everything will be okay. I can’t help but take it personally that Brady left New England and turned his back all the fans who had his back and metaphorically sucked his dick all these years; even if I totally understand it from a football sense.
After all, he’s the one who announced he was leaving by saying he’s “FOREVER A PATRIOT”. Someday, life will return to normal.
A couple weeks ago, I left Richard Seymour off my HOF Ballot; frankly I only did because I was being kind of lazy and didn’t wanna come off as a homer, but I agree with Brady’s claim; Richard Seymour is a Hall of Famer.
During the 2001-2004 run that saw the Patriots win three Super Bowls in four years, Richard Seymour was the anchor of the d-line and a two-time First-team All Pro DT (5x All-Pro when things were all said and done). He was a selfless player, moonlighting as a goal line fullback and one of the original “traded a year too early, instead of a year too late” guys. Plus Seymour is a member of the NFL’s All-2000’s Team. Making an All-Decade team is almost a lock for a place Canton.
Seymour had this to say in response to the GOAT’s praise:
Such a genuine “Thx”. C’mon Richard, you still had plenty space to write out the full word!
While I personally am not rooting for Tom Brady to win ring #7, I totally get why a lot of Patriot fans and former players are. I’m being petty and will openly admit that. Sorry I have feelings.
As a fan, I fucking love seeing a former player call out the most egregious play in NFL history. Richard is right. Not only would in the grasp be called if Super Bowl XLII was played a decade later, but Seymour was getting mauled by a group of Giants on that play too. The flag should’ve been thrown. Holding, #60, 10 yard penalty, repeat 3rd down.
Oh no, you’re right....it’s totally cool to block a player by grabbing them from behind like you’re a sophomore at a school dance trying to grind.
While no complaints/valid points 13 plus years later can change the outcome of the biggest stain on the Patriots double-dynasty, Richard Seymour still deserves his spot in the Hall. It’s nice to see Tom Brady take 45 seconds out of his busy day planning for his 14th appearance in a Conference Championship Game to help out a guy who helped him get to his first five.
I wrote this blog at school during my lunch break and free period from my phone so I apologize for not embedding those tweets; it’s just a million times easier to add a screenshot. As of 2:21 PM, Brady and Seymour have amassed a few more engagements and I don’t want to short my guys.
Brady first, Seymour second.
Last Wednesday, I blogged about a hilarious fundraiser that racially ambiguous, cool-dick having, ISIS video critic/comedian Joe Mande was putting together with his hand-stitched baseball caps in "The Week of Hats".
Before I fill you in on the nearly $5K Mande raised for five different charities, let's see what hats Mr. Mande debuted to close out TWOH. Over Thursday and Friday, Joe Mande debuted four news hats help raise money for various charities.
Thursday featured a mash-up of 2014 National League Wild Card Game participants with a Pittsburgh Pirates "Popcorn" and San Francisco Giants "Transfusion" hat for the Equal Justice Initiative.
On Friday, the Week of Hats concluded with a rematch of the 2015 NLDS and 1988 NLCS, benefitting Starlight Children's Foundation, with a New York Mets "Nyquil" hat and a L.A. Dodgers hat with a custom word for the highest bidder.
Unfortunately, I don't believe any DOL readers won these bids like I was hoping for in the previous blog, but Joe Mande's man hours of embroidering adjustable ball caps raised $4,731.50 for five different charities for an average of $942.70 in donations per cause.
Bravo to one of my favorite and most under-appreciated comics in the game, Joe Mande for using such a niche idea to help out some great causes. If you want to be a cynical ass hole and be "like what's the big deal about a H list celebrity raising 4,700 bucks?", I suggest you get to stitching and try to raise more!
If you haven't listened to Joe's stand up before you have to watch his Award Winning Comedy-Special on Netflix.
Olympic Podium of my favorites from The Week of Hats.
Kevin Stefanski is Going to Win Coach of the Year, but He Deserves Plenty of Criticism For His Decisions Yesterday
Kevin Stefanski is going to win AP Coach of the Year during NFL Honors on February 6th; it's a lock. Personally, I think there's a strong arguments for both Ron Rivera and Brian Flores, but when you lead the Cleveland Browns to their first playoff berth in 18 years and best record in over 25 years (1994) it's your award to lose.
The Browns were actually outscored by 11 points over the course of the regular season, but were still able to win 11 games; "advanced" numbers would say they're closer to a 7 or 8 win team.
You could point to two 30+ point losses that skewed their point differential, but conjecture would say winning 11 games when you're outscored over the course of the regular season probably means coaches were getting the most out of their players (aka coaching well). As a rookie head coach, Stefanski helped improve the Browns' offense from 22nd in the NFL in 2019 to 14th in 2020; scoring 4.6 more PPG despite losing Odell Beckham Jr after week 7. Advanced numbers said the Browns offense was even better than purely 14th in points scored; according to Football Outsiders, the Browns had the eighth-best offense in the league per DVOA, with the 10th-best passing offense and the ninth-best rushing attack. (h/t forbes)
I'm not saying that Stefanski isn't a good coach or that he's undeserving of a meaningless award given to teams that outperform expectations instead of rewarding brilliant coaching/innovations to the game (the last coach to win Coach of the Year and the Super Bowl in the same season was Bill Belichick in 2003).
What I am saying is the Browns did win a playoff game last weekend without Stefanski due to COVID protocols and that you can't coach scared against the Kansas City Chiefs. As the old football proverb says "You can't coach to not lose" when you're facing a team who's clearly more talented/explosive than you; in a hostile-ish environment. You cannot afford to drop the ball from a coaching standpoint. You need to take some chances and do everything in your power to win. I don't think Stefanski did that yesterday.
The first questionable decision Stefanski made was deferring on the opening kickoff. Normally I'm a big fan of deferring until the second half, but against the high flying Kansas City Chiefs, when you're sporting the 21st best defense in terms of points allowed and have arguably the best backfield in the NFL, this is where you take a page out of the 2018 Patriots playbook from the AFCCG; take the ball and try dictate the game to be played on your terms.
Instead, the Chiefs promptly drove their way into the endzone for a 6-0 lead, thanks Harrison Butker missing yet another extra point (his 7th of the season).
Of all the decisions Stefanski made that I think ultimately lead to the Browns losing the game, I'm willing to overlook this one the most; there was still an entire game to be played. I think it was a mistake, but I can also see the POV of trying to get the ball to start the second half. Of course it's easy to critic with hindsight, but regardless what happened, giving Patrick Mahomes the ball first is not playing to your strengths.
What I think really cost the Browns, or in a better sense was just a horrible coaching decision, was opting to kick the extra point down 16 points in the 3rd quarter.
After being on the wrong side of two questionable rules on the same play late the 1st half...
...the Browns actually caught a huge break that kept them in the game early in the 3rd quarter.
On their opening drive, Baker threw an interception, setting the Chiefs up with fantastic field position on the Cleveland 19 yard line, but K.C. quickly went three and out and Butker missed yet another kick; keeping the lead at 16 (still a two score game).
With less than a minute off the clock, the Browns then went on a 8 play, 77 yard touchdown drive that cut the Chiefs lead to 10. It was 19-9 with 9:29 left in the third quarter. Instead of attempting a two point conversion that would've made it a one score game if they converted, the Browns opted to kick the extra point; keeping it a two score game and not really putting them in a better spot. With a subpar kicker it made even less sense. There's not much of difference between being 9 or 10 points, but a monumental difference between 8 and 9. I could not believe the decision.
The Browns scored this touchdown on only their 5th drive of the game, but it was already over five minutes into the 3rd quarter. There was only 24:29 left to play in the game and they were still down two scores.
At this point, the Chiefs either scored a touchdown or attempted a field goal every time they had the ball. The Browns couldn't stop them. The Chiefs never punted. You had to find a way to steal possessions and this was your chance. You cannot afford to put yourself in a situation where you need to stop the Chiefs from scoring an extra time.
Kansas City kicked a field goal on their next drive, which extended their lead to 12 (22-10) and forced the Browns to eliminate field goals from their game plan. Had Patrick Mahomes not gotten hurt on this drive and the Chiefs scored a touchdown, they likely would've gone for two to potentially make it a three score game since the Browns lack of situational awareness set them up to do so. Even though the Browns ultimately lost by 5, this decision was simply the wrong one to make. I don't care if data backs it up or not, against Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs you have to try to make it a one score game when given the opportunity. If I was on the team I would've been furious.
Despite the decision to kick the PAT, the Browns were very much alive after Chad Henne gifted them one of the worst interceptions I've ever seen.
The Browns had the ball on the K.C. 25 yard line, down 5 points, with exactly 8 minutes to play. On that drive the Browns were able to gain one first down, burn a timeout after already losing one on an awful challenge on a clear catch (after missing a challenge opportunity on a Byron Pringle "catch" that was a clear drop on the Chiefs' 2nd touchdown drive) AND waste nearly four minutes of valuable time before punting the ball back to the Chiefs with only one timeout left in their pocket.
I can almost understand the logic in punting because it's 4th and 9 and your opponent is playing their back-up QB, but that shouldn't be what matters. You need to understand the situation in the game; extend the game as long as you can. You have to let your offense try to pick that up and keep the drive alive.
With only one timeout and the 2:00 warning left to stop the clock, the Browns could realistically only afford to give up one first down. They really needed to force a three and out (something they only did only all game when the Chiefs got the ball in the redzone). Sure they had the Chiefs in a 3rd and long situation, but the Browns poor defense couldn't even contain Chad "I played at Michigan during the first Bush Administration" Henne.
Even if the Browns went for it on 4th and 9 and failed they still were very much alive. They could've given up a field goal and still only been down 8 points. Even if you give up the touchdown, you at least have a heartbeart down 12 with threeish minutes left as opposed to never getting the ball back, which is exactly what happened after the Browns punted.
I know it's a long conversion, but scared money don't make no money. Your best chance was Baker making a play instead of hoping your defense that was missing Myles Garrett for most of the 2nd half was going you the ball back again. Even with Chad Henne, the Chiefs still have unreal weapons.
Yes, I'm a little bitter because I was on the Browns ML like I said I'd be and then doubled down +1100 when Butker missed a 33 yard field goal, but I really feel bad for the people of Cleveland.
This was a winnable game. Kansas City let them hang around, but the Browns decisions making did them no favors. Stefanski may be Coach of the Year, but his decision making played just a big a role in the Browns loss as their poor tackling and lack of covering Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce and those are the losses that hurt much more than the blowouts. Better luck next year Browns, I'm sure you'll be right back in this spot again!
From a personal standpoint the 2020 NFL season has been pretty bittersweet. Yes, I've enjoyed massive success with the +48 unit #TooManyLegs Teaser of the Week, but Tom Brady is gone, COVID took away the bro out, pig out football Sunday and I didn't play fantasy for the first time since 2010.
This blog isn't to talk about all the cowards who looked tyranny right in the eyes and did nothing about my dismissal from our league after I rightfully made the finals. It's not to talk about how shitty it felt to be tossed away like the untouched salads at southern wedding by people I thought were my friends. I'm just saying you don't realize how much more on top of things playing the waiver-wire every week makes you.
I went +48 units with minimal research and poor at best knowledge of trends and player health compared to most years. Not to make excuses before making multiple more excuses, but given the war against my brain, life during COVID, attacks on democracy and not being as in the loop as most season, the success of TML (even with a 5 week cold streak) should be praised even more than it already has been.
Subjectively, Divisional Round is the best round of the playoffs. Just think back in the last decade we saw the Catch III, The Flacco Ball game, The Double 14 point comeback/Pass game, Minnesota Miracle, the Chiefs came back from down 24-0 in like 9 minutes and I'm sure I'm missing a few, but need to spend like time with foreplay. We've got four matchups of the eight best teams remaining. I'm very interested to see how having only one bye affects this round now that both 2 seeds have already played.
Historically, I've done a pretty decent job picking winners this round.
Please respect the league year and enjoy the 2020 NFL Divisional Playoffs. Here's who I've got winning.
Los Angeles Rams @ Green Bay Packers
Saturday 4:35 PM (FOX)
In a match up of coaches who are v good friends and members of the Get of Him to the Greek of coaching staffs, Rams @ Packers is one of the most intriguing match-ups in a weekend full of such cliches.
A month ago the Rams felt like that not so dark house Super Bowl team, but after the most shocking loss of the season to the 0-13 Jets, and plenty of other fraudulent losses peppered in this season, you really never know what you're going to get out of this Rams team; especially with the uncertainty/super fraudiness of Jared Goff.
Aaron Rodgers has been playing straight up "fuck you" ball this season, just proving all the haters who may have doubted him wrong, like a 2016 Tom Brady.
While Aaron Rodgers never dealt with a witch hunt over minimal differences in air pressure, he did deal with his team trading UP in the 1st round to draft what common sense would lead you to believe is his replacement in waiting, after going 13-3 and making the NFC Championship Game. After carrying the Packers for the last decade with only one (1) Super Bowl appearance to show for it, without much help from the draft or free agency to improve the offense, Aaron has put up the best statistical season of his career.
Rodgers has won three straight home playoff games, but he's 0-2 against the #1 pass defense in his playoff career. Guess where the Rams rank?
I do think the Rams defense could make things very interesting with a banged up Aaron Donald against a banged up O-line. Yes, Davante Adams has been playing like a top 3 WR this year, but the Rams could cancel him out with Jaylen Ramsey meaning that guys like MVS are going to need to step up which should make Packer fans a little worried.
I think this game is going to be all about the 1st quarter. If the Packers, who tend to start hot can put up double digit points in the opening frame and force the Rams to pass with QB battling a broken throwing thumb it could be a blowout. If were to do a mini teaser for the Divisional Round Packers -0.5 would be my first choice. I do respect this L.A. defense, but truly believe this is Packers team is super motivated and ready to go after their embarrassing NFC Title Game loss last year.
Baltimore Ravens @ Buffalo Bills
Saturday 8:15 PM (NBC)
Of all the games this weekend, I think I'm most excited to watch this one. I love mobile QB play. I'm guaranteeing at least one triple option play in this game. There's a chance we see the playoff record for combined rushing yards between QBs break this game. (Colin Kaepernick (181) and Aaron Rodgers combined for 209 rushing yards in the 2012 NFC Divisional Round)
In a matchup of 2018 1st Round QBs, Ravens @ Bills is also a battle of the two hot teams in the NFL; both are undefeated since week 12 with a playoff win under their belt. The Ravens sport the league's second best scoring defense and the Bills scored the second most points in the league.
Lamar started his playoff career 0-2 and Josh Allen saw his Bills blow a 16 point lead his playoff debut last year, after tonight one will be a win away from a berth in the Super Bowl. That's sorta cool if you're a narrative guy/gal like me.
During the Bills 7 game winning streak they've scored almost 37 points a game and Ravens have only allowed over 19 points once since week 11. As dynamic as the Ravens can be with Lamar Jackson, their WR core doesn't put much fear into opponents. I feel like this game is also all about the first quarter because the Ravens, even though they did comeback down 10 last week cannot afford to be forced to abandon the run if they go down something like 14-3 early. Neither of these teams winning would shock me, but after Harbaugh (who's won a Super Bowl) said that last week was the best win of his career and the Ravens seemed a little too focused on payback against the Titans, I'm circling the wagons with my AFC East brethren.
Cleveland Browns @ Kansas City Chiefs
Sunday 3:05 PM (CBS)
The Browns just killed their most hated rival to pick up their first playoff win since 1994 and what's their reward? A date with the 14-2, defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs.
I've been saying it all year that the Chiefs have been sleep walking through the season, after resting starters in week 17, I've got a feeling that they're going to come out rusty in a game that most people are expecting them to win. Patrick Mahomes hasn't thrown a pass in a game since December 27th.
Then part of my brain is like dude this is such a trap, the Chiefs are going to kill the Browns and be like "see we were just waiting to turn on the switch". Well I'm not falling for it. The Browns have the best O line left in the playoffs and the Chiefs are not exactly a great pass rushing team. Baker to his credit has been playing well and I love the low key Kareem Hunt revenge game factor.
Yes the Chiefs won the Super Bowl last year, congrats to them. They came back down double digits in every game. We all know the story, but I think they're primed for an upset. Everybody has been saying how they're the greatest team in the NFL all year and they've been eating it tf up, getting cuter than Cynthia Frelund with their play calling. I'm not just gonna say this on DOL, but pepper the ML as well. Browns shock the world in a game that people will be talking about for years. Ravens were 14-2 last year and 10 point favorites against the Titans. Let's not let one playoff run wash away decades of the Kansas City Chiefs getting upset at home in their first playoff game.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orleans Saints
Sunday 6:40 PM (FOX)
It's hard for me to write anything resembling neutrality here. I hope the Saints kick the fucking shit out out of the Bucs. Yes, I love Tom Brady and Gronk. They're on my Mount Rushmore of favorite Patriots with Vince Wilfork who rightfully takes up two spots, but the selfish, childish fan in me does not want to see them win a Super Bowl in Tampa.
I don't even really blame them for wanting to get away from Belichick, but I just cannot deal with this after Mookie Betts won it all in LA year one. I think Tom Brady is a much better QB than Drew Brees not only now, but in the annals of history, but like I've said, I'm a narrative guy. This game has two distinct paths. We could see the Bucs get past the Saints who embarrassed them twice this yer to put a final nail in the Saints Drew Brees era playoff heartbreak coffin. I mean how much more can the Saints take after their exits to the 2017, 2018 and 2019 seasons? Are we going to see the GOAT end Drew Brees career at home?
Can the Saints find some 2015 Broncos magic (even though Brees is playing much better than Manning did) and get a legend his second ring before calling it a career? What a step it would be to beat Brady and the Bucs for third time before either hosting the Rams who ended their 2018 OR heading to Lambeau Field to take on Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers.
I have no idea what to expect and may place the emotional hedge with Tampa ML, but the Saints are my team this year in the playoffs. They've got a lot of Patriot in them and I want to see Drew Brees go out a champ. I think it's the best possible storyline these playoffs after they way they've gone out the last three years. I just am pumped to know I have the day off after this game thanks to the late great Rev. King. Hopefully I'll get to use that day to dance on the Bucs grave.
The last week has been a little crazy and just a tad seditious, so I totally understand if you missed out on the beginning of racially ambiguous, cool-dick having, ISIS video critic/comedian Joe Mande's "The Week of Hats" extravaganza on the popular social media application instagram.
What started as rebuttal to Seth Rogen's pottery (I originally typed "What started as rebuttal to Seth Rogen's pandemic pottery" nice alliteration, yes, but accurate, no; I scrolled far enough back to see Seth was making ashtrays in at least 2019)...
...has since evolved into Joe Mande's hand-stitched way to create some iconic ironic laughs for a very specific audience and raise money for charity.
During these [everybody's favorite word] uncertain times there is more division than the fourth grade's curriculum. Like Dan Rather says on twitter, while pushing his latest book, we need to find what unites us. I cannot think of anything better to do just that than the leader and founder of Antifa, Joe Mande, selling hand-stitched hats honoring ethnic foods and ending guerrilla leaders.
Unfortunately, I have size 8 cabeza, so none of these adjustable works of art would fit my head. I figured the next best thing I could do is bring awareness to this hilarious cause with my incredibly popular blog.
Monday's hats proceeds are going towards SELAH Neighborhood Homeless Coalition.
Tuesday's hats pay homage to the not so great state of Missouri. All proceeds of these lids will be donated to the Global Hunger Project.
The money that Wednesday's West Valderrama and University of Seppuku hats raise will be donated to Oceana.
The attention to detail in the M in Valderrama is anything but a joke.
Being the hashtag good guy that I am, I forwarded Joe's IG story to my future co-worker and West Virginia native, Nick Turani (of Barstool Sports dot com) in hopes that he could give Almost Wilmer, West Virginia a proper home.
All hats are still up for auction HERE on ebay. If you were to purchase one of these hats under your own volition and organically bring that to my attention it definitely would NOT make for a great follow up blog.
Be sure to follow @JoeMande on instagram to see what Thursday and Friday have in store for the Week of Hats. U! S! A! U! S! A! U! S! A!
It's sort of weird that my last two blogs have turned into promotion for others, but I guarantee you I am not seeing a cent from either and that they did not reach out to me for a sponsored post. Maybe all those years of watching Mad Men are paying off? I'm just a fucking ad guy, bro.
If You're Into Music, Pokémon and Have a Super Disposable Income Than Have I Got Just The Thing For You!
Since we're only in the second full week of the new year (2021) I'm in a new beginnings sorta mood.
I'm actively trying to defeat my binge boi ways again, but in a much more fun and not oversharing sort of (felt more appropriate to use the formal version here) way, I'm switching up my playbook. I need to cast a wider net for my #HireDozo pursuits. I decided to sign up for reddit.
Normally, reddit is just like my 8th spot to find blog ideas and 3rd spot to find porn, but I'm gonna try to see if I can get more eyes on DOL blogs of yesterday and today (videos too) using 18th most popular website on earth because #45 has not been getting it done (what else is new?)
After only adding three communities when I signed up, I decided to add a few more to build my feed.
Inspired by music, I searched Mac DeMarco and Tame Impala and came across this post that caught my glossy eye and inspired this very blog.
Where are my 90's babies at??? How fucking cool are those? I love em. I could get lost in yesterday looking at these if you know what I mean?
Upon further inquiry r/Melodic_M uses vintage Pokemon cards and a lot of copyright infringement to turn album covers into niche and undeniably cool art.
I fucking love this place. R/abalechichi is basically me as a substitute teacher (pre-covid) trying to level with students just trying to get through the day "C'mon, man, I let you make two make Tik-Toks, we had a deal. No you can't go FaceTime for 10 minutes. Please just sit down and do the busywork".
I'm blown away by these cards. It's such a cool concept. I love the creativity, there's incredible detail in the "moves". But I feel like Lori Greiner or Robert Herjavec on Sharktank when they love a contestant's story, but at the end of the day don't see anyway to profit off of it.
It's not to say I don't think R/abalechichi shouldn't or won't profit off these. They're a cool novelty, but maybe this is just the old man in me talking but what the fuck are you going to do with album cover Pokemon cards? Maybe I'm the one who's wrong? Maybe there's tons of people willing to drop $60 on these and I'm just too practical to see it?
I guess you could frame them and hang em up as a conversation piece or stick them in your Tesla to make it sound like a motorcycle, but seriously what's the plan? Spend $1,000 to fill a trapper keeper up with these cards and hope you find someone to play music Pokemon against like it's 1999? I don't mean to sound like a hater because I've put literally my eggs into the Barstool basket; I respect anybody hustling online trying to make it, but what are you actually going to do with these? Yes, I have all my legos and train tracks form when I was a kid in storage totes in the basement, but what does that have to do with this?
While this blog may be a little harsh, I'm not knocking the hustle whatsoever, but during a pandemic I feel like one of the first things people cut to save money was customized children's toys modified for those children all grown up; likely with families to support now. Maybe the prices are that high because the artists get a cut? (HAHAHAHA yeah right) Don't get me wrong these are sick, but what are people actually going to do with these? Use their Frank Ocean "Close To You" card to get laid?
That's actually what it, isn't it? I figured it out. It's a sex thing. That's cool. Just took me a minute cause I'm out of the game because of COVID and only COVID...I guess if you're on a date with someone or walk up them at a bar and literally play the right card that would be awesome as a deer actually not being dead and destroying your partner's car.
If my sales pitch hasn't convinced you enough to check it out then maybe this super 90's website will?
All cards are available at raptrading.co NOT dot com. After all that I feel like I'm gonna end up buying those Tame Impala cards.
One of the things that makes the NFL playoffs great is its finality. Overtime once was and still can be "sudden death". There's no best of 7 series to determine the Super Bowl champ. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime/season; unless your name is Jared Veldheer.
Jared Veldheer started at Left Tackle for the Colts in the Wild Card Round and will likely start for the Packers in the Divisional Round. When my boy texted me this story and used a line that I imperialism-ed for the title of this blog, I was like "how tf is this possible?" Turns out thanks to COVID protocols it's very possible.
Jared Veldheer can make NFL history this week.
Veldheer, an offensive tackle who played for the Colts on Sunday against the Bills, is signing with the Packers, according to Adam Schefter of ESPN. If he plays for the Packers against the Rams, he becomes the first player in NFL history to play for two different teams in the same postseason.
Ordinarily, that wouldn’t be permitted. But Veldheer was on the Colts’ practice squad, rather than their active roster, and was moved up to the gameday roster as part of the league’s special rules this season to give teams more flexibility to field healthy players during the COVID-19 pandemic. When the game ended, Veldheer reverted back to the Colts’ practice squad, and the Packers are signing him off the practice squad. (Players on active rosters remain under contract and can’t sign with another team after they’re eliminated from the playoffs.)
Veldheer played every offensive snap for the Colts in their loss to the Bills, and he’s likely to play for the Packers as well, given that Green Bay needs help at offensive tackle after David Bakhtiari‘s season-ending knee injury, and that Veldheer played for the Packers last year and knows their offense. Veldheer is set to do something no other NFL player has done.
We've seen players signed during the playoffs before. I remember the Colts signing Deion Branch during the 2013 playoffs. Who could forget Trey Junkin? For an outside of the NFL example, the 2012-13 San Antonio Spurs signed Tracy McGrady for depth during their 2013 Finals run without playing a regular season game. But never before has an NFL player played for two different teams in the same postseason. Jared Veldheer can change that this weekend.
This is some 1920's barnstorming American Professional Football Association type stuff when guys would play for multiple teams under aliases instead playing for one team and working in a factory. As a former lineman who never got his ring, I commend Jared Veldheer for taking advantage of loophole we'll likely never see again.
The 2020 NFL season will forever be linked with COVID-19 and Tom Brady leaving the New England Patriots, but it should also be remembered as the year that NFL coaches got considerably more aggressive. You could say 2020 is the year the NFL's balls collectively dropped, onto the table.
It didn't happen overnight, Bill Belichick infamously went for it on 4th & 2 against the Colts in 2009, but never in the 101 year history of the National Football League was there a season with more points scored or fewer punts than in 2020.
For reference in how much philosophies have changed in relatively short time; in 2004 the Philadelphia Eagles went for in 4th down only FOUR times (fewest in the NFL). This season the Eagles lead the NFL with 35 4th down attempts.
A major reason behind the changes is a simple word that's not so simple to spell: analytics. Teams are using data and advanced statistics to help realize things like you have a better chance of advancing 10 yards in four tries as opposed to three.
It looks like Titans coach Mike Vrabel and Steelers coach Mike Tomlin did not get the message, as both chose to punt instead of keeping the ball in their offense's hand while trailing in playoff games that they would ultimately lose.
Let's start chronologically with the Titans.
Down 17-13 with 10:06 left in the 4th quarter, Tennessee chose to punt on 4th & 2 on the Ravens 40 yard line. Statistically speaking it was the most cowardly punt of the 2020 season.
Going back to at least 1994 (when data this specific started being tracked) a punt has literally never happened in this same situation.
I am the king of putting in a bet, backing out and then having it happen when I pussied out. As a gambler I know how annoying people like me are, but I genuinely have it happen all the time (yay anxiety). The point is that scared money don't make no money!!! Maybe someone should've told the Mikes?
Mike Vrabel won three Super Bowls during his playing days with the Patriots, but claimed he'd cut off his dick for a Super Bowl win as a head coach. Vrabs would become a Ken doll for a 4th ring, but won't give the ball to his 2,000 yard bell cow on 4th & short? Unless he's trans (which is completely cool) and looking for a way to break the ice, don't get it.
You don't even have to give it to Derrick Henry on 4th down, but to have 2nd & 2 and not give it to your 2000 yard back once warrants second guessing at the very least.
Now I get it, I'm just a former player who was a key loss on a 1-7 team over a decade ago who thinks they know football, but I have learned a few things from my Madden days. One is you play to your strengths.
The Tennessee Titans finished the NFL regular season 4th in points scored and 24th in points allowed while giving up more yards than all but four teams. It doesn't take Warren Sharp or the perfect Cynthia Frelund to tell you their strength is their offense.
To the Titans credit, their defense put up one of their best performances of the season, holding Lamar Jackson and the Ravens to only 20 points, but you can only ask so much out of unit that is simply not very good. How can you think you have a better chance of keeping the Ravens out of the end zone than gaining 6 feet with the a top 5 offense in the NFL? After the Titans punted for a net gain of 25 yards, the Ravens still drove into FG range and extended their lead to seven.
Now, Derrick Henry had an awful day and that could've played a factor in the decision, but Vrabel's play calling and predictability set up Tractorcito for failure. More bad coaching yay!
When asked about the decision, Vrabel gave a bullshit, coach speak answer. Via.
Not to be outdone, Mike Tomlin did all he could to take Vrabs off the hook.
In the final game of Super Wild Card Weekend, we saw the Cleveland Browns play their first playoff game since 2002 (which was happened to be against the Pittsburgh Steelers); that game saw the Browns blow a 24-7 lead, before losing 36-33.
When the coach-less Browns were up 28-0, between that nugget from 2002 and the low-hanging (but true) fruit about Cleveland sports "struggles" a Pittsburgh comeback was not out of the realm of possibility.
I've been banging the Steelers are frauds drum all season, but I thought they'd be able to get past a team playing without its Head Coach. When the Steelers were able to battle back to make it a 35-23 game going into the 4th quarter it was clear they had all the momentum. They were in the midst of a 23-7 run and had forced three punts on three Cleveland drives in the 3rd quarter. The proverbial pendulum had swung in the Steelers favor.
On the first play of the 4th quarter, facing 4th & 1 from their own 46 yard line, the Steelers opted to punt and hand deliver the pendulum back to the Cleveland Browns. Not only did they opt to punt, but they tried force the Browns to jump offside from the punt formation in the most obvious "we're trying to get you to jump" moment of Super Wild Card Weekend.
On the ensuing series, the Browns scored a touchdown in only six plays to extend their lead to 19. Pittsburgh had the Browns on the ropes and gave Cleveland the ball back to put the final nail in their coffin.
Now with the Steelers, I can at least fathom why you would punt; there's basically an entire quarter left and despite a poor start, the Steelers are built on their defense that finished 3rd in both points and yards allowed AND the Steelers running game has been all but nonexistent this season.
But sometimes you gotta use your gut. Cris Collinsworth said he'd 1000% go for it. The Steelers had the Browns on the ropes and instead putting the pressure on, they ran out of the ring. Earlier in the first half they punted deep in Cleveland territory down 28-0.
At what point can people stop saying Mike Tomlin is a good coach? How do you not have your guys ready to go against a team WITHOUT ITS HEAD COACH???
Football games are never won or lost on single play (I don't know if I truly believe that), but these two plays certainly hurt their respective teams chances. Which call do you think was worse? I was on Titans ML so I'm a little biased, but either way I'm certainly glad to see #14 on my Personal Power Rankings go home.