Yesterday while ubin I was playing my Top 210 and then some of the 2010's playlist. "UGH" by The 1975 came on and some chick in the backseat goes "do you like The 1975?"
I was having a v shitty day, getting in my own head about literally everything (yay anxiety!), wishing I knew where tf my Ray Bans were so I could use them to hide tears lolol. I easily could've lashed out and been a smart ass, low key dick (I'm a 4.90 I can afford it) and said something like ... "ummm, obviously why else would I play them in my Top 210 and then some of the 2010's list?" but I didn't; hashtag good guy. Instead I was like "omggg, I loveeeeeeeee the 1975; they're one of my favorite bands." As we continued to talk music and our favorite artists, of course Tame Impala came up.
Seamless transition alert
Today on my recharge day I was doing one of my favorite activities; playing video games while watching something on my laptop because you can never spend too much time in front of screens. I've been doing it for at least five years (used to be with my iPad R.I.P.) to keep the ole noodle super stimulated/there's only so many hours in the day. I was playing 2K the entire time I rewatched Scrubs. Currently debating whether or not I'm going to subject myself to the 9th season again.
While kicking the shit out of the computer on pro, I came across an acoustic version of Tame Impala's "On Track". Tame Impala acoustic????? That's like an acoustic computer, but damnit if this isn't fantastic.
Tame's sound is anything, but stripped down. So it's super cool to get something like this from Kevin Parker. I'm still not convinced there's isn't some sort of effect on his voice, but this is still unlike anything else he's put out in the last 10 years according to 20 seconds of youtube research.
I was so blown away by this song that I just had to blog it. If I wanna make it I can spend 2 hours (because I'm laptop SUCKS) writing a quicky on my recharge day. What good is tweeting a link to youtube with zero commentary like I was about to do?
It's wild this song was not written during C, it totally feels like it could be given the lyrical content. Talk about a powermove by waiting until it's nearly August to drop this.
I've been stressing a lot late, beating myself up, but it's important to remember I'm still on track. Hopefully we all are. We are in control of a lot more than we may realize. Music is my escape and even though this is like 4 days old I find it v fitting I came across it today when I really needed it. I let out a breath and took this in like some O. It's so simple and easy to forget, but it really is so huge to just take a step back and breathe like a lunie for a second to get a grip. Listen to this. Really listen. It sure has been a slow year with three months inside with nothing much to show here...but at the same time there is a lot to show here. Hopefully some positive changes come from all the issues that 2020 has Clockwork Orange-d into our daily consciousness. Like another one of my faves, Florence (and nobody else ever in the history of humanity) once said "It's always darkest before the dawn."
Now back to my regularly scheduled programming. Really didn't want to draft Kyrie, but I was hamstrung.
With the NBA set to return in less than three weeks, there is still plenty of time for an outbreak in the Disney Bubble to completely derail the 2019-20; 2020 NBA season. Should that not happen then we are in store for a sports experience unlike any other with the 22 NBA teams (13 from the West & 9 from the East) living in a bubble competing for the Larry O'Brien Trophy. Ain't it fun, Rajon?
Seeding games start on July 30th. If you're unfamiliar with that term don't sweat...it's new. Essentially the NBA is switching things up given the world Worldwide Pandemic situation to make sure Zion is in the playoffs,,,, I mean to make things more competitive!! This video explains it all in a much more exciting way than I could since I cannot type a dunk.
With games returning that means gambling is back as well! I don't know about you, but I'm medium key more excited about that than the actual return of sports. I need that rush again. I think that last few months have shown us there are a lot more important things than sports, so thank God for gambling to make you feel alive during it. How else are you supposed to care about Kings vs Pelicans?
Maybe you have some funemployment money burning a hole in your pocket? Perhaps you've held on to that one time $1200 payment from Uncle Sam because it was more than anybody could've ever needed and you're looking for a way to invest? Well then I have some great news for you! NBA odds are out! There’s two games playing on the 30th. Utah vs New Orleans where the Pelicans open as 2.5-point favorites. The second game of the night will be the Clippers vs Lakers where the Lake Show opens as 1.5-point favorites.
The last game I watched before Covid (I mean it still was around, but before the U.S. decided it was bad) was Celtics-Pacers on March 10th. The C's were a 3.5 point favorite and ended up winning by only three so ya boi has been itching at a chance at redemption for almost four months. So please just keep wearing your mask and washing ya grubby hands so we can maybe have a normalish 2021. We are potentially less than three weeks away from being able to put some scratch on the NBA and forgot for a few hours about the fact that 135k and counting Americans have died!
On June 22nd I addressed the summer future of DOL. While the Pandemic is far from over, I still have to go back to work. After I have my appeal hearing with unemployment next week I'll unwrap that whole mess, but until then it's gotta stay in my, some select family/friends and all the uba passengers I've told my sob story to brains.
Since the roads have been taking the majority of my time the last three weeks, I figured the least I can do to try and keep DOL afloat is bring back the Uba Chronicles to tell you some of the interesting people and situations I've come across since my return.
If you're interested in seeing my growth as a writer/the OG Uba Chronicles here (1) you go (2).
Covid life is all about adjusting. Of course I don't like having to wear a mask when I'm driving, but as we all know I'm a do the right thing guy; so I'm rocking a mask in the whip and you better have one on too otherwise you are not getting in (unless you have it in your hand and we're trying to do a quick pickup to not block traffic or you're someone later in this blog).
It's kinda wild to think about the risk I'm putting myself in. Every ride is like a game of Covid Roulette. How tf do I know these people aren't getting picked up from a Covid party? I mean if you're actually going to bars right now you basically are, but whatever I'm in America where money matters more than people, so if you're gonna pay me and the surges are still alive like Eddie Vedder (and not 135K Americans) then where do you need me to go?
On most rides things go off without a hitch. I am out here to make money. Plain and simple. Please do not feel obligated to have a conversation. I have that I'm cool with silence in my profile for Jah's sake (written like that b/c of character limits).
Like you, my brain only has so much space.
So I don't remember every little detail of what goes down. Luckily, I have the notes app and talk to type to bang out talking points and details for a future blog.
I never know who is going to enter my vehicle. If they wanna talk I'll fucking talk, oh I'll talk. I've spent the vast majority of the last four months (and the rest of my life) alone so I'll bite and use uba as a chance to work on my interpersonal skills.
Without further ado here are some of the most notable rides I've had since my return to the roads on June 18th. Mid blog P.S. These are not in any sort of order.
I've Never Had This Happen Before
I try to almost exclusively drive in Newport because it's usually busy with quick rides which means more money for ya boi. But since I live all the way up in the Creative Capital, I'll chase the surge elsewhere too.
Last week I was making my way to Newport, but stopped in Warwick to get gas and vacuum my car along the way. Since it was surging I turned my meter on and directed rides to Newport in hopes of catching someone OMW down.
My first ride of the day was supposed to be like 18 minutes (I'm a diamond driver so I get to see) with a decent surge. I don't remember exactly, but it was at least $4.
When I'm about five minutes away I get a call from a passenger. This happens more often than you would think so up to this point I'm not alarmed. When I picked up the call the dude I was supposed to pick up in a very calm way told me his uncle just died and he needs to cancel the ride. Woah.
I don't know if he was in shock or if he actually did it, but I have never had this happen before so naturally I was definitely taken aback; especially by his calmness. Talk about a bad start to MY day! (that's a joke relax). Since I'm a hashtag good guy told him I'd cancel so he doesn't get charged, said I was sorry, he said thanks and we never spoke again.
I'll be honest, I really didn't want to cancel. It fucks up my rates and my ability to see how long rides are going to be. People die everyday. That doesn't change the fact that my cancellation rate has to be 4% of under to retain my diamond status. Since that's V hard to do and I am constantly flirting with 5% or higher I'll be honest (internally) I briefly hesitated. On the other hand, it's hashtag good guy life and a hashtag good guy doesn't worry about that when someone (potentially) dies. I'd be lying if in hindsight I was wondering if this was some long con to avoid a $5.25 cancellation fee and if it was I just have to tip my cap. TBH I hope it was so this guy who I don't know isn't actually dead. Hashtag good guy.
I Don't Want To Be Rude, But....
One of my favorite parts about driving for Ubaa is getting compliments from strangers. While I have little to no confidence because of my weight, teeth and penis size I still enjoy being told positive things about me; regardless of whomst it may come from.
While in Newport I picked up a white lady who was anywhere from 37-53 years old with blonde hair. She had a single dread lock in the middle of her head like a leash to make it easier to potential pick her up for weird sex stuff because she def put off those vibes.
While I'm driving she kept saying how beautiful my hair is (it really is, thank you!) and asked what products I use. Of course I replied Tresemme and she said the following "why can't women have as nice as hair as mine?" (talking about me)
While I love the compliment and obviously have luscious locks, I think the easy answer would be that I have fantastic hair because I have never once attempted to ruin it with dreadlocks. The next white person to look good in dreads will be the first. I don't think this is a gender thing as much as it is a you ruined your hair thing. I also wash it 85% of the time I shower, never straighten it and haven't used a blow dryer in years if that helps.
Wrong! (but of course, I did not correct her)
I don't want to sound like a complete pussy who avoids confrontation at all costs because that simply isn't true. I LOVE telling people no they can't get in when they don't have a mask because I get to play God, but in this instance I just didn't feel like correcting a stranger.
Getting paid to listen to music and people watching is a dream. I've been on a mini The Smiths bender because I'm somewhat pretentious and was listening to "This Charming Man" when I picked up a woman who I'd guess was in her 40's from the beach.
When she got in my car I turned down the music briefly to confirm she was who she the right person and that her destination was correct. They were and she said "I like your music you don't have to turn it down, I love the Cure"
Speaking of Music; Part 1
I play what I want to hear. I will take customer input, but at the end of the day it's my car. For safety purposes lol I'm in charge. I usually play an album straight through or put on a playlist, but sometimes I'll just go full send and put in on shuffle. Are we going to get the Strokes or Lady Gaga? Maybe some Tom Papa? Playing "weird" shit to get a reaction out of people is my favorite part of this gig after making my own hours.
When I picked up these two 20 something chicks to bring them to the beach they already had on their masks like angels so I didn't have to drop my "MASK UP!" speech. A funny thing about ub life with masks is noticing people singing along to the music. I was rocking out to Taking Back Sunday like I have since 5th grade when Number 5 With a Bullet (deep track) came on. I was about to switch it when in my rear view I saw a mask moving and heard a timid "We're gonna die like this you know" in the backseat. Since I have a 4.90 driver rating, I knew this wasn't in reference to my driving, so I said "you can sing if you want" turned that shit up and belted out at this point "are you positive? ABSOLUTELY SUREEEEEE" with a stranger. It was beautiful, just like I'm sure she was under that mask.
Speaking of Music; Part 2 & 3
Like I said, straight through albums are the move so I'm not touching my phone as frequently. The Arctic Monkeys are one of my all-time favorite bands and their first two albums are two of my all-time favorite albums so I'll let you connect the dots......I play them a lot in the Pontiac!
The first story is not that big of a deal, but a textbook example of the perfect ubaa ride.
I picked up this couple from Hotel Viking and brought them to dinner at Castle Hill. That's about a 16 minute drive. During this ride I had the Monkey's second album Favourite Worst Nightmare playing. They said they loved them and this was one of their favorite albums, so I turned it up on my $5.55 blutooth speaker from 5 Below.
We listened from like "Teddy Picker", to "This House is a Circus" because I skip "Only Ones Who Know" about 60% of the time.
Not a single word was said until I dropped them off. It was lovely. No need to small talk when good tunes are on.
The NEXT day I get these same people, this time it's to the train station to bring them back to wherever they were visiting from (since it didn't come up). I get a message from the passenger OMW to get him saying he can't wait for more Arctic Monkey. So I played Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not in basically its entirety in silence apart from the occasional attempt at singing in a Sheffield accent.
The next AM story is not nearly as fun. I was OMW back to Prov from Newps and stopped in Cranston to bring some dude home. I was playing Favourite Worst Nightmare and the guy started talking about how he saw them with his dad in 2009 (jealous) back when he was alive (not jealous).
As someone who struggles with small talk this is where things got a little more large and I really didn't know what to say. What do you say in that situation? I don't know if this guy died in 2010 or last week. I just said sorry for loss and he talked about how he used to take him to shows of bands that he liked even if he didn't really like/know them just to be a good dad. At this point I have a small tear in my eye because I have an incredibly complex relationship with my old man and it triggered a lot of shit.
We just kept talking about music and how I have tried for years to learn an instrument. I bought a nice acoustic guitar in 2012 after my GF and I broke up to get my mind off her. Then we got back together later that year and the nut broke (off the guitar) so I've had a semi-broken $400 guitar in my closet/friend's basement the last 8 years. He told me to just get a $200 Yamaha and before I could be like nah, bro I'm poor the ride was over.
Speaking of Music; Part 4
Last weekend the second of six singles from Alanis Morissette's diamond international debut album Jagged Little Pill was already playing when I picked up four (sorry) drunk chicks to bring them out to some restaurant that I cannot remember because that information was not left on my notes app. What I can remember is how smashed these chicks were and that didn't stop them from belting out the lyrics to "Hand in Pocket". We've all sang drunk before. The accuracy of the lyrics goes down with each sip, but I gotta dip my metaphoric cap to these ladies. They fucking CRUSHED "Hand in Pocket" which is not easy to do dead sober.
Much like "Ironic" (the third single from Jagged) there are a LOT of moving parts that are not repeated. Didn't matter if it was giving a high five, playing a piano, or hailing a taxi cab (LOL FUCK TAXIS!!!) they got it right with 100% accuracy.
What's most notable about this ride is not the lyric accuracy that would make Wayne Brady proud, it's the next song.
Next on shuffle was "Roses" by Outkast; one of the most fun songs in the history of humanity. You simply cannot write a script like that to go from "Hand in Pocket" to "Roses". You just can't.
Sure, one of the girls saying how she hates the term "poo poo" kinda made some blood go back to the rest of my body, but I'm not letting that ruin this incredible version of carpool karaoke that puts that fat pussy James Corden to shame.
You really run into some funny mother fuckers while behind the wheel. I brought these two Tony Siragusa lookin bois about three miles, but between me up front and them in the back this car had easily 1,200 lbs of USDA man meat in a 14 year old car.
It took them a solid two minutes to get in and out of the car, I wish I had video footage of it. If you've ever heard the idiom "it's like trying to get 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag" (idk how often that situation occurs) them getting into my car was that personified. One dude straight up couldn't bend his knees and had to weeble-wobble his way in and out. They called themselves mayo jars and were so goT damn funny its a shame I don't have any other quotes.
They were so fat and ridiculous that I didn't even notice they weren't wearing masks. It was like Phil and Don Vito without the sexual assault (at least in my car). Normally, I've been on top of that these last few weeks but I was so worried about bottoming out that it just slipped my mind. Since it was a short ride and they had legitimate difficulty getting in and out of my car I let it slide. I asked them if they'd be okay with me taking a photo for my blog and I got a big fat no which is actually okay because now there isn't photographic evidence to proof they were mask-less. For all you know I could've just made all that up and totally didn't drop them off at Rusty's.
If you don't have a mask on as you're entering my car I will ask if you have one. 90% of the time they do and they throw it on. The other 10% of the time you'll get some douche who refuses or says they don't have one. Tough titties. You cannot get in.
One of said douche's was named Chad with two D's aka Chadd. It's like he was out of central casting for fuckboi douche. I wonder if he earned the second D or just has the worst parents? Of fucking course the dude who refused to wear a mask was named Chadd and you best believe I had a smile on my face (under my mask) when I denied him entry.
When you're driving with ubaaaa the fact of the matter is you're going to deal with a lot of drunken people being stupid and/or annoying. Being a substitute teacher I've got experience in drowning people out. When you throw in the mask effect it's not always crystal clear as to what's causing the issues. Some people may try to whisper fight to avoid me hearing, but obviously that just means I'm going to listen harder.
I picked up this, (at least at the time) couple and when they got in my car I could already tell things weren't going great. Not shortly there after since you can still see eyes I saw (and heard) the girl crying while the scumbag boyfriend who was not on par physically with her was huffin and puffin about her crying. I didn't get all the details, but it was involving him adding someone on facebook so you can tell they already trust each other and have a healthy thing going.
Just once I wish I could yell shut the fuck up. One day I will. #hiredozo.
Major Karen Energy
I don't love this internet "meme" because one of my favorite mothers on this planet is named Karen, but if you're familiar with the internet this bicccc had some serious Karen tendencies.
With ubaa you don't have a ton of control with what rides you get. You can deny rides, but that messes up your rates so it's best to accept as many as you can. Sometimes you may get a ride that is only two or three minutes in length but over 20 minutes away. It makes zero sense, but a lot about this app makes zero sense.
So this lady called me to ask to cancel her ubaa since I was like 15 minutes away and they were only going down the road. She didn't mention any deaths so I wasn't playing around. I have zero sympathy for you lady! I used my best serious adult voice to explain to her how ubaa works and that I'm not cancelling because it will mess up my cancellation rate and potentially strip me of my diamond status.
She kept saying she didn't want to have to pay the cancellation fee and that she was going to fight it. I told her I hope you do (sarcastically in my head), but I'm not cancelling. I have a job to do and if you want to cancel, you can cancel; otherwise I'll be there in 15 minutes. She cancelled, and did end up getting her cancellation fee returned, but it felt nice to be a man and put my foot down!
Brows on Fleek
As previously mentioned, I love compliments and have selective memory (hence why I'm low key repeating graphics). Sometimes I'll drive people multiple times and not remember who they are. It's nothing personal, but when you're doing over 100 rides in a week with the soul purpose of making as much money as possible you may forget some faces (ESPECIALLY IN MASKS!)
I had this couple that I drove (and forgot about) at some point during the last three weeks. Last weekend I picked them up again; this time with the girl's parents in the car.
Other than the fact that the mom and girlfriend complimented my eyebrows (suck it dad and boyfriend) nothing too noteworthy happened, but I figured I'd let you know they said I have fantastic eyebrows and that they recognized me specifically from them (only the girlfriend obvi in this situation).
I Picked Up a Covid Survivor!
That reads like a Youtuber making a big deal over nothing and that was intentional.
On Monday (I actually remember yay!) I picked up a couple in their 50's to bring them to dinner. During the ride we started having a conversation about Covid and how I'm handling it as an Ubaa driver. Then the gentlemen mentioned how both he and his wife are "in the health care field" so they have been dealing with C firsthand.
We spoke about the importance of masks and how scary all of this is because of the unknown and politicization of the big C.
After we opened up to each together since he kept calling me brilliant (he was American, not Australian so he actually thought I was brilliant) with my takes on how we should be handling the situation. He then disclosed to me that he had Covid in March or April (don't remember that part) but never felt super sick and only got tested because of his job. I was obviously a little scared. I know people who have had Covid, but haven't seen them yet. Here I was with a Covid guy in my backseat. It's like being around an AIDS patent in 1982, you really don't know wtf is going on. Am I at risk? There's so much hysteria and false information flying around.
He told he was fine now and my fear went away because worst case scenario I get it and die. Then I don't have to stress about staying alive/not being a failure to my dad/finding love.
My favorite part of our ride together was when he finally disclosed he's a male nurse (no judgment bro I'm a fucking ubaa driver/blogger) and slipped a 10 spot on my front seat without making direct contact with my body (which is not easy considering how large I am and how small my car is).
Fake KFC Radio
On Monday night I picked up three people on the Wharf and since the fellas were bigger folks they naturally had a sense of humor. One of them asked me if I wanted some raunchy jokes, but in a better way than that and of course I obliged.
He said he'd start slow and gave me a simple 1-10 scale. I said okay, four and was then asked if my mom and girlfriend swapped bodies and the only way to switch them back was to have sex with one of them who would I pick?
This is clearly a KFC radio question and since I worked in a restaurant for five years in college/post graduation I have answered every would you rather under the sun. From the tame to the stuff you really don't want your mom to read so mom can you please stop right now?
Others on the ride included would you rather:
"Have your dick shrink a millimeter every time you had sex or your ass hole expand a half inch every time you shit?"
"Have a shot of your dad's cum or a glass of your mom's period blood?"
and lastly the dreaded, worst would you rather of all time.
Of course I played along and had a great time. I then disclosed that I run a blog for the sole purpose of getting hired to write at Barstool and that this story will definitely make the cut. I even caught a new IG follower. Since I don't trust my mom to stop reading I am not going to get full gross here as I would like, but you have a brain and likely understand why some stuff is in bold. This is it for the third volume of the Uber Chronciles. I will be back on the roads once I finish editing this blog, so hopefully there will be a volume four in the near future.
So you may answer one way, but here's ya boi's logic. Mom I swear to God if you're still here...
I don't have a girlfriend, but if I did I am 1000% having sex with her body with my mom inside vs the other way around. You just go doggy or choke her and pray its quick (it almost always is).
Both drinks are fucking disgusting, but I'm going with the the smaller amount of vileness and the last time I checked a shot is less than a glass.
As for sex vs pooping I should've gone sex because I shit wayyyyyyyyy more than I get laid. Likely on a 3,00: 1 ratio over the course of my life. But I'd rather have a loose b-hole over eventually losing my wiener, but that's just me.
As for the last one, Dad is the only answer. Pretend it's prison, plus you're not looking face to face.
When I got Netflix in college, The Office was the first show I binged. I didn't watch it in real time until season 8 AFTER Michael had left for Colorado (spoiler alert). Some of my friends ranted and raved about it high school, but I never really watched with the exception of a few episodes here and there; I remember the opener for Stress Relief after the Steeler-Cards Super Bowl (I know it's 43) and that's the extent of my Office fandom pre-Netflix.
I have since seen every episode at least 20 times (with the exception of Scott's Tots) and no that is not hyperbole. Like most things in life I overindulged, I rewatched the Office so many times that I got sick of it. It's still one of my favorite shows, but over-saturation is real AF (Same reason why I don't like to El Camino everyday anymore). I was such a "being an Office Fan is my personality type of simp" (still deciding if I like that word or not, so this is a trial usage) that I'm 99.3% sure I had "just a Jim looking for a Pam" in my tinder bio even though the world knows I'm a Kevin.
When I started watching the Office IRT for season 8 half the cast was in Florida setting up the Sabre store. This is when we were introduced to Florida Stanley.
It has been so long since I watched the Office that my ability to pull an Office quote out of my butt in .04 seconds is escaping me. If only Stanley could just shove a quote up there..
Leslie Baker (the actor who played Stanley Hudson) started a kickstarter campaign to get a Stanley spin-off off the ground. Here are the details!
I have never donated to a kickstarter before, but after a great week on the roads I do have some money burning a hole in my basketball shorts...
There had been talks of a Dwight farm-related spin-off when the Office ended, but it never got picked up. I don't know a ton about past kickstarters and don't need to waste time doing research...I know that Super Troopers 2 started with a kickstarter and since I saw that movie in theatres opening night (4/20/2018) I'd say that they have worked in the past so there's no reason whatsoever this won't work now.
I feel like spin-offs were all the rage before I was born (1991). Doesn't Happy Days have like 8 spin-offs itself? I'm pretty sure that All in the Family spawned a dozen different shows. Obviously there have been spin-offs in my lifetime (Frasier, Chelsea Lately, Zoey 101) but idk, I feel like it's definitely more of an 70's or 80's thing back when people weren't as creative since the weed looked like decomposing rats.
Like the Broken Lizard boys, it's a shame Leslie has to even resort to this form of internet pan handling. Some big wig should back this it would be HUGE. Florida Stanley was fucking hilarious, there is a huge market for Office related content and do I really need to address the elephant in the room? Stanley is a black man. Showing support to the black community has never been more in. How about instead of giving hand me down roles to black voice actors someone at Netflix or NBC (or anywhere else idgaf) steps up the plate and puts together a pilot on this new series? Florida Stanley is willing to come out of retirement to help his nephew named Lucky (we may need to workshop that) save his business and take care of his kids. This is the type of heart warming comedy the world needs right now! @richpeople make it happen. Donate if you can. DID I STUTTER? (had to sry)
Hello. it's Dozie, I'm back to tell you that Episode II of Here Goes Dozo is up on Instagram as of this morning. Here's a little inside baseball! I filmed this myself Thursday between a light jog (hence the only visible sweat being on my back) and shower before hitting the roads on the Ub. Like I said, this is just a soft hiatus during the summer so I can profit off of a Pandemic like Amazon or your health care provider. There will be blogs, but for now enjoy me being gross :)
Holy shit, it actually happened...Cam Newton is a New England Patriot! I did not believe it at first.
I recently saw a post on instagram showing the Patriots as the betting favorites to land Cam Newton's services as an NFL quarterback. I didn't understand that because I saw another post on instagram showing them (the Pats) as the NFL's most cash strapped franchise with less cap space than Kevin Mench in a size 7 (IYKYK).
Since I like about 900 posts every two hours and do not want to waste valuable time searching my "posts you've liked" tab to include those somewhat unnecessary graphics, here's a tweet proving I've been about this move for a minute (and that I do admit that I'm wrong when I am; I WAS WRONG..I am not the Patriots QB and Cam is!)
After a quick google search it looks like Cam can earn up to 7.5 million bucks on this deal. While I totally get Cam being banged up the last two years hurts his value; it's crazy to me he has to sign a league minimum deal at this point in his career. Meanwhile "up and comer" Taysom Hill and his 19 career pass attempts got 16 million guaranteed. Same with Jameis getting a million bucks. It ain't right!
I'll be the first to admit I have gotten on Cam in the past; most notably after his famous business decision in Super Bowl 50. But I like Cam, I called into WEEI to defend him potentially wanting to grow up hair out like 9 years ago pre-DOL (Mr. Blue Jean Friday didn't want his QB togrow out his hair). I don't get the hieroglyphic IG captions, but who fucking cares? It's fun to make fun of online, but I think the last few months have shown us what is really worth getting worked up about (probably not though).
This is a textbook low risk, high reward. project deal the Patriots have been famous for making the last twenty years. They don't always work out, but when they do it's usually pretty cool.
It could just be the reefer and Bud Light Seltzer's talking, but it seems like it's been an awfully long time since one of these types of moves really paid off. Does Revis count? He didn't really have any 'character" issues that I can remember,
I probably am forgetting someone, but for the sake of argument... people twisted the Patriots lack of road playoff success from 2007-2017 prior to the 2018 AFC Championship game too. It was all about about how it's been a while since the Patriots won a road playoff game (because they have few opportunities since they usually have home field advantage). They hadn't won since the 06 Divisional Round in San Diego (sadly, something no longer possible). Sure, Cam missed almost all of last season and ended 2018 with an 8 game losing streak..this is still Cam Newton. The man is an absolute beast.
For a little while I thought the Patriots might take to get Trevor Lawrence, but I've watched enough Patriots games and NFL Films footage on youtube to know how competitive Bill Belichick is and how much he respects the history of the game. He hasn't had a losing season since 2000. It's 2020. Tom Landry holds the record for consecutive winning seasons with 20. I know Bill claims he doesn't care about individual awards/stats, but if there was ever one that really embodied what a team is all about it's that one. You really think Belichick is going to get this close and tank?
Cam has been banged up and definitely could not make it through the season, but you know what? You could theoretically slip, hit your hit your head and be die before you finish reading this blog. Life is crazy and bigger than a game. Jarrett Stidham may be the guy, but I saw as hell know Brian Hoyer (no disrespect) is not. When healthy Cam is a top 10 QB in the NFL. He broke Steve Grogran's single season QB rushing TD record as a freshmen AND basically carried Auburn to a Natty in his one season there. The Patriots and their lack of studs and big name super stars (people outside of New England do not love Edelman and James White the way we do) could be the perfect prove it situation for one Cameron Jerrel Newton. I am soooo pumped to run the Dozo System with Cam in Madden 21. Best case the man who is 2-0 vs. Tom Brady gets to 3-0 against the Bucs in the Super Bowl, worst case he's a total bust and it's back to Stidham/a potential tank. To quote myself when offered free bacon on my sandwich yesterday "I'm about it". In Bill We Trust!!!
P.S. I will not allow any lame as pun BS with our new QB.
News is coming out that Chris Godwin didn't really want to give Tom Brady his #12 jersey.
“I have been (wearing No. 12) since high school and it means a lot to me,” he said. “At first it bothered me a little bit, it was kind of getting at me because it is part of my identity, but when the GOAT comes calling you kind of concede to him. Like I said, hopefully I can get a ring or two or three out of that. I was more than happy to do it. I have a new persona for me, 1-4. We’re going to move forward and make something special with it.”
The following quote is from a press release on Buccaneers.com on April 1st.
"Obviously, if he doesn't want it or isn't making a big deal about it, I'm definitely going to keep it," said Godwin. "But we'll see how that goes. I think just out of respect for what he's done, what he's accomplished, just kind of the career he's built for himself…you've got to kind of lean into that respect, you know?"
The way I see it Godwin was pressured by a powerful white man to give up a part of his identity. Very not cool! Was Godwin at least compensated or did Brady just insinuate if you want the ball you're going to do this??? Has Brady been bested by Eli Manning yet again?
Everybody knows I'm a huge number guy. I am nasty at math when it's truly just numbers and I'm really good at remembering years/numbers. Here's a quick flex with no resources. Moses Malone once said that the 1983 76ers would go "fo', fo', fo'" in the playoffs (it was really fo', five, fo'). Tommy Tutone's Jenny/867-5309 peaked at #4 in 1982; Coach Herman Boone had eight brothers and sisters (although 12 sounds better).
I played four years of high school football so I know a thing or two about caring too much about jersey numbers; everybody knows how attached I was to the 5-8. For some, your number is a part of you on the field/court/ice/etc. It really is part of your personal identity. Sure there's some people who are more focused on what they're doing while wearing that number, but I am big believer in....you tell 'em Deion!
Tom Brady claims going to Tampa is a "football move". I'm not so sure. Does he want to win a Super Bowl or sling t-shirts?
Brady claimed his only request when joining the Bucs was his teammates phone numbers. We already know that's not true since he basically made the Gronk trade happen.
Obviously I know Brady has his whole TB12 brand, so I get wanting to keep it intact as he carpet bags in Tampa;;;;; BUT you know that a lot of athletes change numbers when they switch teams, right?
Brady hasn't even always been TB12!
The way I see it, if Brady really cared about winning and being the "Goat" he'd let his breakout WR stay who he is! You showed up to his house and took his bed, Tom you privileged heart-breaker. You should've left TB12 in New England with your dignity. I'm sorry, Chris you deserve better and if the Patriots knew how to draft maybe none of this ever even happens?
The minute Tom Brady retires I can retire this act, but sorry I'm not going to be rooting the Bucs (unless they're part of a bet).
Jenny Slate aka Mona-Lisa Saperstein aka a featured player of the 2009-10 SNL cast aka in this situation Missy in Big Mouth is leaving Big Mouth. Slate announced the move on this instagram post linked directly below.
I love Big Mouth, but more importantly I am all about the Black Lives Matter movement. Sorry it took me so long. I am anti-police brutality AF, I want freedom and equality for all people. We need to reinvest in the community, health care and education. This country has to change if it wants to last another 300 years. Idk if I've ever put this on the blog, but I've told my friends/family/students a million times that the Roman Empire lasted 2000 years before it fell...The United States is only 243...we are a baby and sadly babies die all the time.
That being said, I'm sorry but I think shit like this is a little overboard. Pander city population Jenny Slate (and Kristen Bell). I hate that I'm even a little bit scared to have this take, but that was some of the most self righteous shit I've ever read. It's like celebrities are having a pissing contest with who can be more fake sorry for social media pats on the back.
I agree that black people deserve more opportunities, but to me this just seems disingenuous and pandering. It's a fucking cartoon. You're Jenny Slate on a show with hormone monsters and living sex pillows. There is real institutional racism in this country like one polling place for 600,000 people or property values influencing school budgets. Voicing a MIXED character is not the same. I feel like people just say anything that involves different races is racist because people are too lazy/stupid to think.
Now I could be wrong here and if you think so, I'd love to have an adult conversation about the topic instead of just yelling insults at each other, but where do we draw the line? I'm all for getting rid of Aunt Jemina. This is not the same as blackface. It's a fucking cartoon. Are there any black people who voice non-black characters? Is that okay? Should black cartoon characters only be drawn by black people? Should women not voice male characters and vice-versa? Do all people really need to be exactly who they're depicting?
The character is Jewish and you're Jewish. Aren't you erasing Jewish people by leaving the show? Last time I checked your people haven't exactly gotten a fair shake either.
I want things to just and for the world to not fucking end. Everybody knows I'm a do the right thing guy. Like who do you think you are to act like what you're doing is the same as redlining or interracial marriage being illegal until like 1992 (that's a joke to show how ridiculous it was that interracial marriage was illegal not that long ago...the real year was 1967). While there certainly is an argument to be made this is in a way the right thing since they want to give the job to a black person, but to me it seems pandering and self righteous AF. Here, fill-in black actress, you can have my scraps for season 5 when this will probably be over before season 7. IMO this move doesn't fix anything, it's just an act of self-conalingus. Look at me. I'm sorry too! We all are lady, but you don't have to do this. If you want to make a difference why don't you donate to an inner city school so students can have a way out that isn't sports or entertainment?
I thought GameStop was going out of business? Now in my research I'm seeing conflicting reports?! What the hell's going on out there? **Lombardi voice** I'm not a business guy, but I'm pretty sure Chapter 11 is not something you want to see.
I'll be honest. I'm rooting for their demise. I want to see GameStop go down like Jonah Hill in the opening scene of The Sitter. That place is the worst. Insert joke about GameStop offering you pennies on the dollar for a trade here.
Whether Gamestop goes the way of Blockbuster or somehow survives from a online sales boost thanks to a worldwide pandemic one thing that cannot be debated is the cops who killed Breonna Taylor are still at large in plain sight. That my friend is a stone cold fact.
A revolution is not a one week trend. These men should be in jail! #JusticeforBreonna.
Good afternoon to the loyal readers of DOL,
First off, I love you. Do you know that? I need you to know that. You did nothing wrong and this is not your fault. I love writing for you on DOL (almost) every (week) day, but things are just gonna be a little different around here for the time-being, but .ya know what? You could make the argument that this new arrangement is gonna be even better! Please allow me to beat around the bush instead of just getting out there and saying the H word.
This whole corona situation has been an absolute shit show from Hell with nearly a half million deaths world wide, millions out of work, and more rumors circulating than a high school cafeteria. I think everybody is depressed rn. March 12th feels like it was at least 8 years ago. I'm pretty sure I ate #43Burgers in 2013. Time has ceased to exist until further notice.
I've tried to make the best out of a bad situation. My full-time job while I was out of work and sheltering at home was blogging and growing the DOL brand. I wanted to use this time to my advantage. Since I lost my job, applied and was approved for unemployment I figured I was doing the right thing.
Before C I was hustling my flat ass off, ya boi was working full-time as a long-term sub and transporting people in the backseat of my 2007 Pontiac Grand Prix to various locations across the state of Rhode Island a̶n̶d̶ ̶P̶r̶o̶v̶i̶d̶e̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶P̶l̶a̶n̶t̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶s̶ at night and on the weekends. I was writing and making content in my spare time, but unable to put in the amount of time I wanted to. In a weird way this whole situation was a blessing in disguise from a writing stand point. It gave me an excuse to solely focus on writing. Then after about a month, I stopped getting unemployment. It took nearly two months for the situation figured out and tbh it still isn't fully settled. I may drop a video about the whole situation, but since I'm still technically appealing I'll let you use your imagination here.
What I can tell you is since I was deemed ineligible for UE, I gotta get back to work. With "school" now over for the summer, that means one thing; time to mask up and get back behind the wheel. That's exactly what I did this weekend. I drove like another Ryan.
While I would absolute love to sit at home and blog all day, it does not pay the bills #yet. I gotta make money so I can live my life and put it on doz on LIFE. I'd love to be able to purchase a real camera so I can do more videos. My friend Ty and I have been in discussions about getting a podcast started for months. Big things are in store, but it means for a few weeks I may be back on my sporadic swag.
I watched Rocketman a few weeks ago and have had Still Standing stuck in my head ever since, talk about a perfect time to drop the Elton bomb.
My biggest concerns about having to uber to survive this summer (until #HiredDozo is a reality) were safety and profits. I'm not trying to catch the Rona, I would love to avoid it at all costs..driving for Uber definitely elevates my risks. Speaking of costs, I was worried about the cost of rides being low due to a lack of demand since there's so much less going on due to covid restrictions.
After this weekend it's evidently obvious that Corona and Cancel Culture will not take down summer 2020.
Apparently Uber drivers were eligbile for UE this entire time. So if I had just been a driver and not a sub I would've made like 10K the last three months. So basically, this is a long winded way of saying, I'm going to be working a lot (21 Savage voice) to take advantage of this easy ass uber money. Since they're sucking off Uncle Sam's wein, I will carry the load while they're gone. I LOVE driving for uber when it's surging. I'll stay out until they have to scrape me out of my 2007 Pontiac Grand Prix.
I don't know what the future looks like, I could end up having days where I write five blogs, I'm still trying to master the Weebly app, but it is more flawed the timeline of the Entourage movie. For the next few weeks I may be a little busy trying to stack this bread. Do not worry, that's why I'm sitting you down now so you don't hear rumors from the detractors. I feel like I've really been hitting my stride as a writer, but I gotta be able to pay my bills and keep the lights on until Davey Pageviews comes a callin'. I'm still active AF on social, so be sure to follow @dozonlife on instagram and twitter. Dozo loves you. I'm still going to blog, just (likely) not as much. I just want people to understand why there may not be as much DOL to consume for the next month or so.
P.S. If you need some Dozo in your life, be sure to check out what I was able to create during Corona.