The #TooManyLegs Teaser of the Week has become the Chicago Bears of bets. Both started the season 3-0 and are now in the midst of losing streaks that have surpassed a month of real time. TML was 4-2 and is now 4-7; the Bears were 5-1 and now sit at 5-6.
I feel like nobody has been riding recently and honestly that's a good thing; I'd feel a little guilty that my latest attempt to add a feather to the #HireDozo cap has gone awry. I don't want people going bankrupt because I think I've got what it takes to blog at Barstool. I started 3-0, I can afford to keep chipping away at all those units I accrued in September. I don't want anybody losing their house, but since we're in the heart of the holiday season, I want to give back and give the people a winner. Statistically speaking...I'm due.
Last week we were close with a 6-2 showing, but we need perfection in the teaser game. I hate the board today, but I think I can find eight winning legs to get us off this L-train. While I was tinkering with my picks last week, I was most confident about the Raiders, so naturally they looked worse than Rosie O'Donnell in a G-string (I can say that cause we're friends). But honestly, I'm glad the Raaaaaaiders took me out of my misery because in a 6-2 leg day, the only other leg that failed to hit was OVER 45.5 in Chargers/Bills. This is how Chargers @ Bills ended with 44 points on the board. It's worth the watch if you didn't see last week.
So thank you Raiders for making that entire sequence irrelevant to me because if the teaser lost on that shit after converting TWO Hail Mary passes to get into field goal range I don't know if I'd be here typing right now. I've got a decent feeling that with how my life outside of DOL is falling apart that ya boi is due for some good news. I'll take that in the form of a +1000 payout during Christmas shopping season. Let's take a look at the picks!
Previous Weeks:
Week 2 and 3
Week 4 Week 5 (booo Bengals) Week 6 Week 7 (Week 7 victory recap) Week 8 Week 9 Week 10 Week 11 Week 12
Raiders -1.5 (from -7.5)
Last week the Raiders laid an egg in Atlanta and are now on the outside looking in at the AFC's top 7. Even with Josh Jacobs out, the 0-11 Jets are just what the doctor ordered. I am expecting a big time get right game for the Raiders and if they can't beat the Jets I am never betting on Derek "Bleeding Mascara" Carr ever again.
Saints +3.5 (from -2.5)
My friends tell me to never tease past zero, but I have Taysom Hill blinders on.The Saints are the best team in the NFC with a sneaky top defense in the NFL.
Yes, I'm a little worried about the turnaround time, as these two teams played just two weeks ago at the Mercedes-Benz SuperDome; the Falcons could adjust to handle Taysom Hill's unique skillset, but at Mercedes-Benz Stadium I think the Saints keep rolling. Love having the field goal loss insurance at +3.5.
Browns/Titans OVER 47 (from 53)
Giants/Seahawks UNDER 53 (from 47)
Rams/Cardinals OVER 42.5 (from 48.5)
left
Just a gut feeling with this game. Teams just put up points in the Big Toaster. Both teams average over 23 points a game so I feel alright being a basic bitch and taking a teased over here.
Packers -2 (from -8)
The Packers beat up on awful teams and that's exactly what the Eagles are. No need to make you read more than you need to here. Know what I mean? I think you do! Okay, cool. Next pick! Are you ready?
Patriots +7.5 (from +1.5)
Justin Herbert has not been your typical rookie this season, but this is the only stat I need.
Patriots can get back to .500 with a win today, but I think they can (at worst) stay within a touchdown of a team who is allergic to good situational football. While the playoffs may be out of reach for New England, Belichick has a chance to tie Tom Landry's record of 20 straight winning seasons if the Pats can get to 10-6 or even 9-7. As a historian of the game and guy who only cares about winning, that type of record 100% matters to Bill. We might even see Cam throw a touchdown today!
Broncos/Chiefs UNDER 57.5 (from 51.5)
I hate taking any under when the Chiefs are involved, but since Patrick Mahomes became the Chiefs starting QB in 2018 Chiefs-Broncos games have only surpassed 57.5 points once and that one time included a pick-6 and kickoff return TD.
With the Broncos playing with no QB last week and Drew Lock today I think the Chiefs defense can keep them in check. 45-10 Chiefs still goes under.
Good luck and as always, please wager responsibly.
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Three-time Super Bowl champ and 2016's leading touchdown rusher, LeGarrette Blount has officially retired from the NFL per his IG.
Talk about picking your spot to get your name back in the mix; the announcement comes on Blount's 34th birthday.
Absolute genius move by someone who's been out of the game for two seasons to get a lil' extra love on his b-day. He's only had about 700 days since his last game to make this decision lolz.
The b-day boy, better known as Blount Force Trauma, last played for the Detroit Lions in 2018 under former Patriots defensive coordinator and now former Lions coach, Matt Patricia. Blount would never be confused with a Hall of Famer, but after going undrafted in 2010 (thanks in part to missing most of his senior season for clocking a Boise State player in face after his Oregon Duck's 2009 season opener) LG had himself a hell of a career.
In nine seasons with five teams (Tampa, New England, Pittsburgh, New England again, Philly and Detriot) Blount ran for 6,306 yards and scored 56 touchdowns; 58 if you included receiving (dozahhh). CBS Sports put out an interesting graphic comparing his numbers to some other "bigger name" backs.
In his second to last season, Blount won his third Super Bowl with the Eagles; against his former team, the New England Patriots. Blount scored his only career Super Bowl touchdown in that game, which must've been extra sweet since he wanted to come back to Foxboro, but Bill had other plans.
via: CBS Sports
"I called Bill up and said 'I want to be here. I know y'all want me to be here,'" Blount said on the CBS Sports Fantasy Football Today podcast. "I'm like 'Let's figure this out.' He calls me back, says 'You played well for us...we love you, we appreciate you, but you averaged the lowest yards per carry in your career. You averaged 3.9 a carry.' "I said 'Bill, you gave me the ball 300 times. How am I supposed to average 4.5 yards per carry on 300 carries? Bro, I'm going to have to average a 20 or 30-yard run every day to keep that average up.' There were games where he was giving me 20 carries and I'm having 70 yards. That's just the way the game goes.
Since this a Patriots centered publication I'm now going to focus on those better days. LG played for the Patriots from 2013; 2014-16 and helped the Patriots win two Super Bowls will racking up nearly 3,000 of his career yards and 34 touchdowns. He was voted the 80th best player in the league after the 2016 season.
In September of 2016 when Tom Brady was serving his deflategate suspension, LG picked up the load big time by rushing for 298 yards and 3 touchdowns en route to AFC Offensive Player of the Month. (Feels really weird and full circle to be blogging about a player who I wrote about in the first year of DOL retiring) In the 2010's there weren't many backs with his type of power and postseason resume; although you could argue the best run of his career came during his rookie year in Tampa Bay where he broke the 1,000 yard mark on a 10-6 team that just missed the playoffs.
In 11 playoff games Blount rushed for 600 yards and scored 11 touchdowns. Most importantly, his teams went 10-1 in those game, as I'll say it again, the dude won three rings.
LeGarrette killed more Colts in his career than broken legs. I watched him rush for 27.6% of those playoff yards (166) and 4 touchdowns vs Indy in the 2013 AFC Divisional Round from the literal last row of Gillette Stadium during a rainstorm after a day-shift delivering pizzas.
While I don't have any pics/vids of LG's monster day I do have this in my camera roll from the game.
LG was a fan favorite in New England and absolute wrecking ball in the backfield, but some of LG's best runs came on kickoff returns during his first season in Foxboro. It was so awesome to see such a bruising back who looked like he could be a D end returning kickoffs. Against the Bills in 2013, Blount racked up 145 kickoff return (and 180 rushing) yards.
After signing with Pittsburgh following the 2013 season, LG smoked his way out of the Steel City and found his way back in New England. If Jonas Gray's alarm goes off after his four touchdown game against the Colts, who knows how differently the rest of LG's career plays out?
That butterfly effect rabbit hole is for another day, but for now it's about wishing LeGarrette well in retirement and I suppose a Happy Birthday too! Thanks for all those awesome runs and your contributions to two Patriot Super Bowl winning teams. I really hope we don't see the LG type of running back go extinct because he sure was awesome to watch. Congrats on a great career, LeGarrette. Every Friday some of my future co-workers at Barstool Sports put out a "Taking You Into the Weekend with [insert video here]" blog to put a nice capper on the week. After some definitely not bad news earlier this week, there's a chance (in the same way that the NFC East winner has a chance at winning the Super Bowl this season) #HireDozo finally becomes #HireDdozo. I figured in preparation for my call to the blogging big leagues, I might as well get some hacks in to improve my filler blog game. Dozo's gotta show he can help generate ad rev!! Perhaps, I'll bang out something a little more substantial later tonight (I've got a 30% finished NFL history blog in the drafts). But for now, after an exhausting and emotionally draining few days/months I need to relax, celebrate the House passing the MORE Act (that'll collect dust on Moscow Mitch's desk) and check out the new Heavens Gate docuseries on HBOMax (until I get too freaked out and watch all of season four of Big Mouth; which debuted today). As for taking you into the weekend, I went down a BBC Live Lounge rabbit hole the other night and came across one of my favorite cross-genre performances ever; Usher bass slappin' cover of Foster The People's "Pumped Up Kicks" from June of 2012. I've been thinking about doing a Top 10 best Live Lounge cross-genre covers blog, but it's too hard to narrow it down. Maybe I'll just do a Top 93 and turn it into #Dozzfeed? Either way, I really just needed an excuse to share this eight year old performance, so to the three people who will read this blog, have a great weekend and enjoy! P.S. Usher is one of the most talented performers of the last quarter century, but I bet you didn't know he can slap the bass. Why would you? Outside of this performance and the 2014 VMAs where have you ever seen it? I know this was the first time I ever saw Usher playing bass. When you're one of the best dancers of all time you don't need a bass literally getting in the way of your superior talents. Why lug that thing around when you can turn women into waterfalls with your moves? As someone who can't even clap in rhythm, I'm super jealous of anybody who can dance. Deep down it's probably why I hate TikTok so much. I think I'm legally required to include this clip because I know you're thinking it. Double P.S.
Today (yesterday now), Barstool Sports announced they're looking to add more talent.
Normally at 3:19 in the afternoon the school day has been over for four minutes and I've already been in my car for three and half, but today I was sort of busy.
I don't want to get too in depth to my sister's personal life on my blog, but today was the first of like three ceremonies for her. I'm incredibly happy for her, but COVID and my crazy family drama has my anxiety/depression at all time highs so I was a little cranky knowing valuable time where I could be working on getting my dream job was being wasted spending time with my family celebrating my sister's marriage.
Wasted was a joke. If you read this handsome girl, sorry I was sorta poopy.
I didn't get home until after 10, then hit a major roadblock right as I was getting ready to submit what I spilled my guts into on a google form.
Because I'm an open book, I figured I'd share the experience with you before I get about five hours of sleep to prepare for another day regretting every decision that led me to being a longterm substitute teacher in PrXXidXXXe.
That's right, I didn't black out my email that they asked for twice in four lines, baby. Feel free to pass that along to anybody who can help ya boi. I know Newport and Kingston aren't major cities, but as you'll see below, I think they could play for Barstool.
After those five sections they asked for social/blog/portfolio and I gave them this:
I've been running a blog called dozonlife.com since February 2016. I cover sports, music, pop culture, major news, weird internet stories, poking fun at myself, real life advice and everything in between. #HireDozo Manifesto
On March 7th, 2020 just days before COVID shut the planet down I ate 43 Burgers in honor of El Pres' potential challenge so he wouldn't have to put his movie star physique at risk and to bring attention to my blog/brand. #43Burgers On April 30th, 2020 I appeared and basically co-hosted KFC Radio's "Social Distancing: The Game Show" since my opponent's computer wasn't working super great. While I didn't win, I think I made a good impression with KFC and Feits. I had them either laughing or in pure shock/disgust the entire show. Top 10 Losers Who Won in the Long Run My twitter and IG are both @dozonlife. My twitter only has anywhere from 80-90 followers, but some of the best singers in the world haven't sold an album. My time will come. I deleted my original twitter that I started in 2009 when I was a junior in high school because I was an idiot high schooler whose brain hadn't fully developed and wanted to start fresh before I made it big to avoid any controversy. While I was in college (University of Rhode Island) I created and ran @URIprobs by myself and grew the brand to approximately 6,000 twitter followers at its peak. Gun to my head idk the exact peak, but I've lost over 1,000 followers since it was truly active from 2012-2014; my second senior year forced me to basically become a teacher and stop being a college student which hurt my feel/voice of campus life. During @URIprobs' heyday I had a pulse on the entire campus and a rivalry with another account @AtleastIgotoURI that I hated because I'm from Narragansett, RI (town directly next to URI and where most off campus housing is) and resented going to what felt like extended high school and thought their content was corny AF. I made fun of URI, while still showing love to Rhody Hoops and crushing pitchers at Charlie O's (RIPIP). I was able to do all this while staying basically unknown. Only my close friends and girls that I tried to impress at bars/parties knew I was the man behind the account, so basically nobody knew. The Substitutes Bathroom Dilemma Today Was a Good Day For the #HireDozo Movement This Scene From Get Him to the Greek is the 2012 Washington Redskins Coaching Staff of Movie Scenes https://www.instagram.com/p/CD38DETgmOM/ https://www.instagram.com/p/CAV3XgkANb5/ https://www.instagram.com/p/B97xfJVABB_/
Next was "Why should we pick you?/ What makes you unique" and here's what I had to say.
You should pick me because I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it. I just want to get my foot in the door and I know I will thrive. I just need a chance. There is nothing I want more in this life than to work for Barstool Sports. That's why I ate 43 Burgers. That's why I blog. That's why I get up every morning, because I know that someday my time will come. It's not a matter of if, but when. I know someday I will be a Barstool employee or a dead guy who dedicated his life to trying. I will never give up. BSS is the greatest media company in the world and I just want to help it get even bigger. If someone offered me a chance to spin a roulette wheel where red got me hired by Barstool, black killed me and green made me formally apologize to John Henry for choosing saving 75 bucks over keeping Mookie Betts; I wouldn't hesitate to spin.
I have years of experience running a successful Viceroy styled twitter account. I actually applied to the Viceroy Program in early 2017 and had a phone interview with Tex. I didn't get the job (obviously) but that's just because as you know, his judgment is clearly off. I have emails and his phone number to prove it. Newport is the most beautiful place in Rhode Island, full of tourism, history and is the home to Salve Regina University. Kingston is the home of the University of Rhode Island. While neither are major cities, both play to the Barstool audience. I've actually been meaning to send in a formal sample to Coley since he became EIC, but keep second guessing myself because of how much this company means to me. I get so in my head about wanting it to be perfect because blogging at Barstool Sports is literally all I want in life that I still haven't sent it out. Sort of like Chidi from the Good Place. Despite hearing constantly from bloggers/personalities/podcasts that one of the best ways to get hired is to be persistent and always send stuff in, while I'm persistent in tweeting #HireDozo, I know I need to stop being such a pussy and just send some blogs in. Oh and I was called out of the audience of the Rosie O'Donnell Show when I was five years old. Thank you for taking the time to review my application. Regardless of what happens with this position I know that someday I will be employed by Barstool Sports. I hope you can be the one to discover this diamond in the rough to get credit for bringing me into the Pirate Ship. Peace and love.
More to come later this afternoon, but I need to clear the pipes and pass TFO. Goodnight!
"Just sit-ting back on the couch with a bud light,
had a few, now ya boi's feelin alright..."
I'm not gonna subject you to another parody song; at least not right now.
I've already procrastinated enough tonight and need to tell you the good news before the day technically ends. Before I do that, I might as well peel back the curtains of my undiagnosed ADD brain/crippling anxiety :) If you've been reading DOL for the last few years, you know that it is my life's goal/dream to be a blogger at Barstool Sports; #HireDozo. I referenced this in a blog last week with the all or nothing Barstool Roulette Wheel that I would 100% spin. After I got out of work this afternoon, on the drive to getting my brows threaded, I told my mom I was done living in my head and that I was finally gonna email Coley (Barstool EIC) some samples, maybe even a cover letter.
By the time I went to a different location to attempt to get a quick trim since my hair is getting so long it's uncomfortable to sleep, went into the mall, saw that the hair place was "cash only", walked to the other end of the mall to the ATM, took out $60 of my own money for $3, started walking back, contemplated checking out the 3 used DVD for $5 bin at FYE before ultimately deciding that's probably not the smartest idea during a pandemic, continuing walking back, saw that the hairdresser had already put the gates down to close up shop at least 17 minutes early because I was too awkward to say I need to go get cash when I saw the "cash only" sign, left the mall, drove to Dave's Marketplace to pick up dinner, walked around Dave's aimlessly debating whether or not to get pizza, got two slices of CBR and drove home; I was pooped.
That "I hate teaching in the Creative Capital, I'm done making excuses" energy, quickly turned into just wanting to unwind and push it off until tomorrow mode. Once I got home, instead of starting the email/finishing the second half of my "Dear @ColeyMick," blog that's been my drafts since October I did the following; Went 3-2 (made two guys quit early) in online Madden with Taysom Hill while watching 5ish episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (season 2) that I've already seen before on TV2, vacuumed the living room and my bedroom, cut my hairs that were wrapped around the bottom of said vacuum, trimmed my beard AND managed to spend at least an hour analyzing my Apple Music year-end data because I do not for one second believe the data is accurate.
On a totally unrelated to this blog's original topic tangent...do plays only count if you let a song play entirely? Cause I'm a notorious skip the last few seconds guy (undiagnosed ADD, duh). There's no way I only listened to "Deacon Blues" 36 times this year. I had a ride home from work where I listened to five straight times. Plays should be like baseball; if you get over halfway through, its official.
As for the reason I wrote this blog in the first place; I had not one, but two positive #HireDozo moments on social media today that threw a few "keep going" logs on my "don't give up" fire. To think how low I was yesterday, these simple engagements totally made my day.
The first was an IG comment like by Brendan Clancy aka Super Producer BC on a post about staying dedicated to the content game.
Talk about a post tailored to me....one of the biggest reasons I want to write for Barstool (apart from it being my dream job and what I was put on this planet to do) is to stick it to my old man and everybody else who hasn't been 100% supportive of me in my pursuits. I know I'm talented and it kills me to not have the support of the people I care most about. I work fucking hard at this and think that my honesty and vulnerability about how my weird, beautiful, fucked up brain can sometimes hinder my creative process and cause me to second guess every keystroke, as I try to achieve my dream, just shows my authenticity as a writer/personality.
In case you're reading this and are like "who tf is Brendan Clancy?" I'll fill you in. Brendan is a full time Barstool employee and KFC's older brother. Dude is Barstool AF. His brand is helping people get podcasts and content started. I listened to him on early KFC Radio for years; big fan. I'm pretty sure he just liked every comment on that post, but even that is okay to me because I straight up just said #HireDozo. I know that at the very least, he knows I'm a living human-being; he followed my twitter during the #43Burgers saga and as of 11:19PM on December 1st, 2020 is still one of my 85 followers (I'm probz muted lol) AND now he's well aware of #HireDozo....the hashtag brings you to all my IG content. Maybe he clicked?
The fact that he liked a comment that was just #HireDozo makes me super happy and gives me some much needed hope. In my brain that's an endorsement!
The second positive #HireDozo moment was when The Dozen Trivia twitter account acknowledged my near perfect score in today's Dozen.
In case you're unfamiliar; The Dozen is a Barstool trivia competition show and every day on their IG story they post 12 trivia questions. I usually play them during my morning poop or in the teacher's lounge before school. I normally am a 7-10 right guy, but today I started off 9-9 and got 10 wrong because I misread the question before answering 11 and 12 correctly. In my tweet to @TheDozenTrivia I dropped a #HireDozo and they still retweeted me. My second guessing ass is always worried about being too annoying with the #HireDozo, but I hear stories about how persistent Barstool employees were in their attempts to get hired, so I keep flooding people's timeline with it.
I don't want to just be some no name blogger at Barstool when I'm working there. I want to have my toes in a little bit of everything and let my true self shine. One thing I really want to do is flex my weird, beautiful, fucked up brain and all the trivia knowledge its chosen to retain over people's names and historical knowledge I spent 30 grand on not learning. I plan to dominate trivia. I know it's not an offer sheet, but it's a lot better than where I was yesterday. I gotta say, today was a good day (for the #HireDozo Movement).
P.S. Saturday wasn't too bad either. 6K views on the Dozo-scale is approximately 600,000.
Double P.S.
I was gonna blog this, but it's after midnight and I'm exhausted... Jayson Tatum fixed his missing apostrophe tattoo! It low key looks like Rhode Island.
Ultra-rare Triple P.S.
Pro-Football-Reference liked my Happy Birthday shoutout too.
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