So the 73rd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards were last night, making it the second straight week there was an award show going head-to-head with Sunday Night Football. I know there's not exactly a ton of crossover between the audiences, but Lamar and Mahomes are way more exciting than anything that could've possibly happened there.
When I was younger, and I'm talking like an adolescent boy, not like any moment before right now younger, I loved award shows. I remember watching Madonna kiss Britney Spears (and Christina, but everybody seems to forget about her) at the 2003 VMAs with my mom and sister. However, as you get older and learn all the politics and shady history behind them (Hattie McDaniel having to sit at a segregated table when she won an Oscar, Jethro Tull beating Metallica for Best Metal Performance, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia never being nominated for fucking anything, etc.) you start to care less. That, of course, is when you don't have a dog in the fight. It's easy to shit on the Emmys when they're passing them out to Big Bang Theory like Halloween candy, but when it's a show that you genuinely love for not only its humor but heart and message, you can't help but be happy for those actors who make you feel like friends. I figured I'd at least get in front of my hypocrisy, I don't really give a shit about award shows, but at the same time, I'm pleased to see a show I love actually get the recognition it deserves. I'm sure people who haven't seen it yet are a little annoyed with all the internet fellatio Ted Lasso has received, but it deserves every last slurp like it's your first anniversary. It's one of the best shows I've ever seen (and if you have a problem with the second season, you have rocks in your head). It's actual appointment TV, even though it's technically streaming. I watch every episode as soon as it debuts at midnight. For its critically acclaimed first season, Ted Lasso won 7 Emmys.
I feel stupid for getting confused about something as simple to understand as total nominations, but I've seen all these ads and articles saying how Ted Lasso had 20 nominations.
Then when I go to wiki to check out all the winners, I see this shit.
Apparently, it has something to do with major vs. technical awards, but just a weird place to me to split hairs. Anyways, let's get into the meat and potatoes of the winners.
Of Ted Lasso's 13 "major" nominations, four were Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. Three of the Diamond Dogs, Brandon Hunt (Coach Beard), Nick Mohammed (Nate Shelly), and Jeremy Swift (Leslie Higgins; my 2nd favorite character after Roy), came up short to the very real, very hairy Brett Goldstein (Roy Kent).
To paraphrase Chris Farley of the Chris Farley Show, that speech was AWESOME.
The breathtakingly gorgeous Hannah Waddington (Rebecca Welton) won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series over Juno Temple (Kelly Jones).
And MY BOY since Middle School, Jason Sudeikis, won Best Actor for his role of Ted Lasso. My only complaint is that it's technically for the Pilot; it should be for episode 5, but whatever, that doesn't matter. What does, is Jason picking up the hardware after what had to be a challenging year for him personally (obviously, it was a tough year for everybody...except billionaires). I'm so happy for him. This dude went from eating at Taco Town to winning Emmys.
I mean, yes, obviously, Jason rocked the hell out of that suit, but I still miss the mustache.
And of course, as the Apple tweet said, Ted Lasso took home the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series to cap off the first of many Emmy-filled nights for the cast and crew.
Other than Coach Beard dressing like Tom Petty in the "Don't Come Around Here No More" video, the highlight of the night that I missed IRT watching SNF was the entire cast and crew doing the Roy Kent chant. "He's here; he's there; he's every-fucking-where, Roy Kent, Roy Keeent!"
I cannot recommend Ted Lasso enough. It alone is worth the $5 a month for AppleTV+, although the 1971 in music docuseries is incredible. I like Morning Show too, but I haven't seen it since it first came out. A rewatch might be in store before S2.
P.S.
I enjoy Coach Beard's role, I liked the weirdness of last week, and I get that his whole bit is being the strong and silent type (s/o Gary Cooper), but he is as much an actor as the soccer balls were. He's an actor in the same way that Tracy Morgan is an actor. He's funny but is essentially always playing himself. IMO, his nomination is a result of the saturation of Ted Lasso.
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Song: Them Bones (1992) Artist: Alice In Chains Album: Dirt If you told me (before I learned way too much about this stupid list) that AIC got the same treatment as RATM (I hope you're up to date with 90s rock shorthand) on the Clear Channel memo, it wouldn't shock me whatsoever. I could see an argument for "Man in the Box" or even "Heaven Beside You" in the wake of national tragedy, but surprisingly only four Alice In Chains made the cut: "Down in a Hole," "Rooster," "Sea of Sorrow" and today's SOD. To anybody who has ridden with #TML the last two weeks, I'm gonna end up a big ol' pile of them bones if I don't start giving out winners. Hand up, there were so many smarter plays than OVER 39 in Carolina, but I was trying to settle the score with a Week 17 half-point loss. I can't bring my own personal vendettas' into other people's money. I should've just taken the free money, teased-over in Arizona like I had punched in (not that it would've mattered with the Seahawks choking). I'm not guaranteeing a week 3 victory...yet, but I am promising a better than 6-2 (aka 0-1) showing like this week. It's a long season! We'll end up in the green. Now THAT'S a promise. P.S. R.I.P. Layne Oooooops...I went down the wrong Lane. The unnecessary Y gets me every time. R.I.P. Layne Staley Double P.S.
That's Lane Pryce from AMC's Mad Men (2007-2015.....although not for him) if you didn't understand my shitty joke. Last week's teaser legs went 5-3, which is not the perfection we're looking for to cash tickets. I thought we'd see some Week 1 fireworks, but instead the Falcons decided to have the most Falcons offensive showing of all time. In retrospect I should've stayed away from the total in Pats/Dolphins with all the unknowns, but whenever I can get a total below 40 it's hard to stay away. The theme I've heard around the league this week from various NFL programs is this the bounce back week. We shouldn't overreact to Week 1 so much, blah, blah, blah, although I have to agree. The 2001 Carolina Panthers and 2020 Jacksonville Jaguars both started 1-0 then dropped 15 straight. The Titans aren't as terrible as the Cardinals and Taylor Lewan made them look. Aaron Rodgers might hate the Packers, but I don't think he fell off the cliff like Week 1 would show us. There's still 17 weeks of football left to play. The bounce back starts now. Let's get into the win column at a nice +1000 (or better depending on your book(ie) situation). Past Teasers: TML 2021: Week 1 TML 2020 Results: Week 2 and 3 Week 4; (Week 4 victory recap) Week 5; (booo Bengals) Week 6 Week 7; (Week 7 victory recap) Week 8 Week 9 Week 10 Week 11 Week 12 Week 13; (Victory recap) Week 14 Week 15; (victory recap) Week 16 Week 17 Broncos PK (teased from -6) If it weren't for a couple of redzone turnovers last week (s/o former Patriot Logan Ryan for making a great play), the Broncos would've beaten the Giants even worse. While I do get a tad worried about another east coast game for the Broncos...it's the fucking Jaguars, and they made the Texans look like a playoff team last week. I don't believe in Urban Meyer, the NFL Head Coach, and I love what Vic Fangio's defense will do today. We just need a win; it may get ugly at times, but I am high on the Broncos, and if they're going to be a playoff team, they have to win this game. I believe they do. I took them in survivor. Raiders +11 (teased from +5) I teased the Steelers last week, and even though they won, I wasn't super impressed; that blocked punt TD changed the whole game. Their offense gives me major 2015 Broncos vibes; everything looks so hard from them. While I'm a tad worried about the Raiders on the East Coast AND coming off a win, I think they can at the very least keep it within 10 points. Give me the Raiiiiders +11. Patriots PK (just winnnnn baby; teased from -6) We can't look too deeply into Patriot-related stats highly impacted by that surgically gorgeous man who used to take the snaps, but the Patriots haven't started 0-2 since 2001. Bill Belichick is still the head coach, and he's 21-6 vs. rookie QBs plus the Patriots have won 10 straight against the Jets. Zach Wilson was sacked 6 times last week. With all the new faces on the Pats defense, I think they should get at least half of that today (biiiig Matt Judon day). Patriots gave the game away last week; you know they had a hard week of practice and are ready to go into Metlife and win like they do every year. No chance they have 80+ penalty yards again. That I can guarantee. Saints/Panthers OVER 39 (Teased from 45) This exact leg cost TML Week 17 from cashing and being an even bigger success in 2020 BY A HALF POINT. This is my personal revenge game, plus, as past readers will know...both of these teams will get into the 20s. The over is 7-3 in these teams last 10 matchups, and while most of those were with Drew Brees, Jameis looked great last week, and there's simply no way he'd come crashing back to earth.... I'm thinking like 27-17. Too low to stay away. Cardinals +2.5 (teased from -3.5) If it weren't for some questionable coaching by Zac Taylor, the Vikings would've never sniffed OT. Kliff Kingsbury isn't a Rhodes Scholar by any means, but I think he's a better coach than Taylor. Cards win straight up. Kyler looked like a straight-up video game against the Titans. Cowboys +9 (teased from +3) I really like what the Chargers are building and won a little scratch on their live ML last week, but the Cowboys should've beaten the Bucs. I wouldn't be shocked to see SoFi at least 45% full of Cowboy fans. The Chargers could still win, but I love the Cowboys to keep it a one-score game. I almost teased the over but felt more comfortable this way. Seahawks PK (teased from -6) While I do expect the Titans to look better than they did last week, it's long way to Seattle and fans are back. I think the 12s play a big role in a Seahawk victory. Chiefs +2.5 (teased from -3.5) I'm not too fond of both of these teams, but when one QB calls the other his kryptonite, that's all I need to hear (0-3 vs. KC in his career). I don't see a 2004 Red Sox with Pedro situation playing out tonight. The Chiefs could go down 17 early, and they still wouldn't be dead. With the Ravens banged up, they're going to need to get into the high 30s to keep up with the Chiefs. Lamar did not look good vs. the Raiders (whose defense is NOTHING special), and he's going to have to rely on his arm tonight. Give me the Chiefs! Patrick Mahomes has *Chris Traeger voice* LITERALLY never lost in September (11-0 in his career). I'm totes cool with teasing past zero in this spot. Best of luck and ALWAYS wager repsonsibly.
Song: Enter Sandman (1991) Artist: Metallica Album: Metallica P.S. I'm not flaking on my tribute to understandablish censorship, but with 164 songs (+ all of RATM), I can pick my spots. We've got ourselves a nice little Sunday morning loophole. I included the original so I could P.S. something a little more timely. I haven't had the chance to listen to the entire 50+ songs Metallica Blacklist (50 something artists teamed up to cover the black album for its 30th anniversary), but obvi Mac's cover is my favorite. I saw him cover "Enter Sandman" in Boston (2019), but his live rendition had a little bit of the DeMarco flare; the album version is a word-for-word cover. I think you could get away with calling this a cross-genre cover since Mac usually is not this heavy, but boy, oh boy, does it kick some ass.
I don't have any action or fantasy implications on TNF, so I've been watching muted on a laptop split-screen with various music videos/live shows (went down a Billy Strings rabbit hole) while playing video games because I need all the blue light I can get. I totally forgot about the big halftime news regarding the future of Hard Knocks, but I happened to catch it out of the corner of my left eye (R.I.P.) when I saw Coleen Wolfe and the Playmaker. Hard Knocks isn't getting canceled like I saw some jokes on Twitter imply; instead, HBO and NFL Films are giving us the first ever in-season Hard Knocks, with the Indianapolis Colts.
Amazon's All or Nothing has followed NFL teams throughout their season, but never before has there been an actual in-real-time NFL docuseries (I thiiiink). This NFL (Films) expansion has the potential to be incredibly compelling. Hard Knocks is cool, but unless there are some prominent characters, it can get dull QUICK. I didn't even make it to episode three of the Cowboys this year.
As a lover of all things football and NFL Films, I'm excited. BBuuuuuuutttttTttt, Hard Knocks 2021.5 doesn't debut until after week 10, so this whole "follow the Colts as they look to return to the NFL Playoffs" thing could be a tad overzealous. For the sake of #content, I hope the Colts are still in the mix, and with how bad the Titans looked against the Cardinals, they very well could be, but this seems like a pretty big gamble. If they're like 3-7 (I'm trying to be quick so I'm not wasting time looking up to see if their bye happens beforehand), HBO could be delivering a stillborn, but you gotta credit all parties involved for at least giving it a shot. I'm sure Roger wants to get a piece of that pie with shows like Drive to Survive on Netflix getting people to care about fucking F1. The NFL is King, but Roger wants it to be God, and with a monopoly on Sunday, add Wednesday as an important night on the NFL calendar. Hard Knocks In Season debuts Wednesday, November 17th at 10 pm EST. P.S. I'm sure there will be a Kwity Paye segment at some point, you have to tell the man's story!!
I am sooo pumped that The Dozen has made the move to prime time. During the summer, 10 am was like 5 am for me, and now that I'm back wasting away again in the-worst-school-district-in-the-state-ville, I can compete in #DozVstheDozen on IG live (@dozonlife) for the tens of thousands of millions of viewers that tune to watch the boi compete.
Tonight, The Experts return to take on a team squad, FM2K.
On Tuesday I put up a career up 16 points vs. Team Ziti and Team Minihane.
âOnce I rewatch the video, I will upload it to youtube. That's the plan with all #DozVsTheDozens going forward. It's still a work in progress, I'm sort of fucked during the Bonus Round, and technically I'm answering every question as opposed to just my own as if I was on a team, but this is how it's going to go until I'm working at Barstool and able to make my own team. I'm a man of integrity; if the actual contestants say the answer before me, I don't get the points, but if it's a tie, the tie goes to Ole Dozo. I'm playing at a disadvantage by myself, with no phone a friend for time purposes. Just like the real game, I have to declare Double Dip/Sip (depending on potential sponsors) before I answer and say I'm doubling up before the question is asked.
Sorry for the late notice; I was cleaning my shower for like 2 hours. I think there was enough hair in the drain to make a wig for a 6-year old girl. #DozVsTheDozen will air LIVE on my IG (dozonlife) at 7:00 pm. Hope to see you there! Song: Killer Queen (1974) Artist: Queen Album: Sheer Heart Attack I suppose the word "killer" earned "Killer Queen" a spot on the Clear Channel Memo, but IMO it's in the top tier of puzzling selections on the list. Laser beams? Guaranteed to blow your mind?---like as in how the towers blew up? Idk, but just the word killer doesn't automatically earn a spot on the list. The Talking Heads only selection was "Burning Down the House." Call me crazy, but I feel like "Pyscho Killer" "deserved" a spot on the list more than "Killer Queen." P.S. Speaking of Psycho Killer.
I've talked about being a hashtag good guy on this publication many-a-time (as well on twitter dot com), but I've never really gone into great depths about what it actually means to be a hashtag good guy (or gal).
The definition is ever-evolving, but essentially it's doing the right thing for the right reasons, but also because you'll get some love for doing it. You say hashtag out loud, but never actually use one so that people can't easily find it online, but still definitely put whatever it is you did on the record so people can find if they so choose. When I eventually donate my hair but post it on social media for clout and #HireDozo purposes, that's a hashtag good guy move. It's still giving a person (likely a child) with cancer or alopecia some gorgeous fucking flow that I'm greatly attached to (both literally and figuratively) because I want to help. If Jeff Bezos was ever like, "fiiiine, I'll use my massive fortunate built off exploitation to end world hunger," so people would like him, that would be a hashtag good guy move and one I fully support. Hell, I'd settle on actually paying taxes. Christian Yelich of the Milwaukee Brewers just took the NL Central race into his own hands with one of the best hashtag good guy moves I've ever seen.
I like Yeli a lot. He's been awesome on the stuff he's done with various Barstool programs, he has fun with the Pete Davidson comps, and he has a hot mom, so you know he knows how to bust balls out of self-defense.
The 2018 NL MVP hasn't been himself the last two seasons, but that doesn't take a cent away from the 9-year, 215 million dollar deal he signed before the 2020 campaign that he's now using to pay back the fans.
This is an awesome move to show the fans some love, especially after a down year, but this is also a textbook hashtag good guy move. It helps everybody involved; it 1000% gets Yelich some good PR, and Brewer fans get some (relatively...wtf is with the fees?) free tickets to watch a rematch of the 1982 World Series where the Brewers have a chance to clinch the NL Central. Despite basically abandoning baseball in the wake of the Mookie Betts trade, part of me will always love the game, and one thing that always bothered me was low attendance. I loved going to games and obviously know tickets can be expensive, but seeing the stands in Oakland, Tampa, or Atlanta like 36% full when the team is competing for a playoff berth bums me tf out. Milwaukee is famous for becoming Wrigley-North whenever the Cubs come to town. I'd imagine Cardinal fans travel well too. So Yeli killed like four (red) birds with one stone here. He helped himself get back in the good graces of Brewer fans who may be upset that he's underperformed/been hurt, he got some PR for doing a nice thing to give back to the fans, reinvested in his organization that invested so much in him, AND he helped his team regain a home-field advantage for a very important series by filling up Miller Park (I'm not acknowledging the new name). There's really not a complaint to be made here. It sucks Aaron Rodgers wants out (and was terrible Sunday), but between this and the Bucks winning it all, it's not a bad time to be a Wisconsin pro sports fan. Bravo, Christian, you just earned yourself a spot on team hashtag good guy for life.
P.S.
Some examples of what being a hashtag good guy is all about.
Willie Lanier, the first black Middle Linebacker in professional football, was a champion of Civil Rights and the 1972 NFL Man of the Year (later named after Walter Payton...making this my second straight blog referencing Sweetness). Ray Nitschke adopted three children.
MOORE, OKLAHOMA (KFOR) – An Oklahoma man allegedly defecated in a grocery store freezer Sunday night, and a woman who was shopping accidentally put her hand in it while reaching for groceries that were covering it.
“I pick up a bag of pizza rolls and there’s literally s--,” Shirley Wright-Johnson said in a video of the incident. “Human s—. Excuse my language.” A Sunday trip to a Crest Foods store for Wright-Johnson and her kids turned out to be more than what the mom bargained for. “I was upset, I was disgusted, I feel like I was violated,” she said in an interview with KFOR. Wright-Johnson said she is still trying to comprehend what happened while picking up a bag of pizza rolls in the freezer section. “I grabbed the bag, I felt something smushy on the bag, so I turned it over and there it was,” she said. Moore police said it was human feces. Wright-Johnson said there was another bag of pizza rolls that had been placed on top of it, covering it up. “I was so disgusted I was almost in tears,” she said. Lt. Kyle Johnson with the Moore Police Department said they want to talk to the man seen in the picture below. “That individual was then observed, went to the cooler section where he proceeded to defecate inside one of the coolers before leaving the business,” Johnson said. According to Johnson, the man was also allegedly taking pictures of female customers inside the store. “It’s a little bit disturbing. It’s kind of out there. We don’t see this much,” Johnson said. Wright-Johnson said she immediately alerted employees, cleaned her hands and headed home with her two kids, whom she brought to the store. “I bleached my hand, I disinfected my hand,” she said. “All the way home they still were like, ‘Mom, I can smell it, I can smell it.’ I’m like, ‘I smell it too, baby.'” Even two days later, Wright-Johnson still struggles to voice her frustration with what took place. “You can’t even put it into words,” she said. KFOR reached out to Crest numerous times, but never received a comment. Wright-Johnson said she was offered steaks by someone in the corporate offices to make up for her experience. Moore police are investigating the situation.
I'm in no position to pass judgment of anybody's dietary decisions; I'm a fancy sauce with fries kind of guy. Recently, I saw an error message on my scale (let's just move on), but personally, I'm not a fan of pizza rolls. They're such a stoner cliche and simply don't do it for me, even as a kid. They leave so much more to be desired. I honestly think I'd rather eat fruit (but not vegetables, let's not go overboard). I never want to be in a position where my choices with something are 8th-degree burns on the roof of my mouth or wait three days until they're cool enough to consume (I was about to say "safe," but pizza rolls are never safe to eat regardless of condition).
Now I'm not trying to blame this poor woman, Shirley Wright-Johnson; this shit (pardon the obvious) could've happened to anybody at any grocery store on Earth. She simply had shit luck, but you have to assume this is the final nail in her pizza roll coffin, right? #NeverAgain after raw-dogging some fecal matter, I always say. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume they were for her two kids, so if there's ever an excuse never to repurchase Pizza Rolls, it's "hey, remember when they were covered in human shit?" Bagel Bites are two shelves away and far superior anyways. I know some freaks and weirdos are literally into getting shit on; some are a tad tamer and use a glass table or cellophane wrap (the ole, Glass Bottom Boat). Still, it doesn't matter for most people if you're a man, woman or they, black or white, left or wrong; everybody can agree that human shit out of water is fucking vile. It's a top 5 terrible smell. I've never once seen a poop out of water candle at the Paper Store when I'm buying Christmas gifts for every woman in my family. P.O.O.W. can ruin anything. As someone who drank so much Captain Morgan at a party in 2007 that he shat himself and woke up tied to a hospital bed, I can speak from experience. At the same time, from years of abusing my body with various food, drinks, and drugs, I'm at a point where I can go from all systems go to "this building will self destruct in 30 seconds" in like eight seconds. I have no anal on-deck circle or shame in using any public toilet. I took at least three dumps at Dead and Co. During peak Ub** season, I know tens of available spots to drop heat while I'm on the roads. I need to know, like Marc Anthony, why this dude shit in a fucking freezer. Was he trying to ruin somebody's day? Because in that case, even my libby ass is in favor of capital punishment. Let him fry *Hootie voice*, but if this was just an "OMG, I'm gonna explode this moment" situation, and he just panicked, and just so happened to be in the Frozen Food aisle, I can't talk shit, and frankly, I have buttloads of empathy. I've trusted farts that I shouldn't more times than I can count. Earlier in summer of '07 (which ended with me ruining a party that I wasn't even invited to), back in the days of walking everywhere, I went to Cumbies (s/o the Chill Zone when it first came out....69 cents....you literally couldn't beat it) with two friends in my neighborhood when my internal doomsday countdown went off on the walk back home. I ran down the hill like Walter Payton to my house. You can ask Richie or Paige; they'll back it up. Unfortunately, when I got to my house, I wasn't going to make it up the steps, so I audibled and straight-up pooped on my (dad's) lawn, then used a snow shovel and hose to hide the evidence. What I'm saying is I have plenty of weird poop stories in strange places, so I can almost get it if this were an IBS emergency...but this is simply too fucked up to think this was a malice-less shit. There had to be hate and anger to subject a fellow human to something so vile and disrespectful. With this sort of low-grade terrorism, I don't think capital punishment is an extreme solution. We need to set a precedent and remind the world that the U.S. doesn't fuck around. You can't go pooping in the frozen food section of a "civilized" country and just go on breathing as if nothing happened. Had modern refrigeration existed in the 1700s, our Founding Fathers would've included that in the Constitution. This poop is some of the most disrespectful shit I've ever read in my entire life. You know it must've gotten under that lady's nails if her kids could still smell it after multiple attempts at cleaning, including bleaching. You probably have to consider amputation at that point. But if there is a positive to a story like this, it helps me better understand why the world will probably end during my lifetime. If we're having dudes drop heat on the Totinos, then I think we all can admit it's time to unplug Earth and plug it back in.
P.S.
I bet this guy LOVES Dane Cook. It would explain a lot.
Double P.S.
"KFOR reached out to Crest numerous times, but never received a comment. Wright-Johnson said she was offered steaks by someone in the corporate offices to make up for her experience. Moore police are investigating the situation." Are you fucking kidding me, Crest Market? A couple of shitty steaks are not going to right this wrong. Do you know anything about good PR? At the very least, throw this lady some gift cards so she can make her own Gotttt damn decisions; maybe she doesn't fuck with steak? Honestly, a check for a few grand wouldn't kill you.
Triple P.S.
Seriously, fuck this guy, I wrote my blog this way for comedic effect, but if he was taking secret photos of women in the store, he's clearly a creep. Between that and the dookie, I say let him frryyyyy *Hootie voice*
Actually, rare, QUADRUPLE P.S.
Speaking of poop-related blogs, The Substitute's Bathroom Dilemma is extra-medium key the best blog I've ever written. #HireDozo As we continue to pay homage to the Clear Channel Memo of suggested songs to avoid after 9/11 all September long here at D-O-L, today's S-O-D is: Song: Fly (1997) Artist: Sugar Ray Album: Floored P.S. I wish I could go into the deepest pockets of my brain and recall the hardest I've ever laughed at things throughout my entire life. As a blogger, hyperbole is crucial and Spoiler Alert: I've abused over-the-top admiration for effect; I probably have 75 songs on my Mount Rushmore, but realistically, I'd say the Mark McGarth cameo made me laugh like,,,,, the 17th hardest out of anything I've seen in my nearly 30 years. That's quite high praise considering I've been alive for almost 11,000 days. The "all the love in the world" line is some of the greatest unintentional comedy ever. |
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